The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has gone to the movies. Just some mad fluff running through my tiny mind!
Movies With AJ
"So basically our plan for the day is to simply watch a movie?" Pam asked as the entire Figgis Agency settled into the bullpen.
"Yes," Lana said as she held AJ. "AJ's daycare is shut down for the day for a yearly inspectional cleaning. I don't know all the details I just know some kind of germ killing florescent lights are involved."
"So we're watching a kid's movie," Pam realized.
"Yes because AJ is too young to watch porn," Lana said wryly.
"And you actually agreed to this?" Pam asked Archer. "Why?"
"Well for one thing my wounds from the biker gang fight to the death are still pretty fresh," Archer winced in pain as he sat down on the couch. "Ow…Yeah, need to take it easy for a bit."
"So why did you agree to this?" Pam asked Mallory.
"Because I agreed to do more 'family bonding' with Abbiejean," Mallory sighed.
"And I agreed that it was best for us to do it all together to keep an eye on her," Archer said.
"That I get," Pam said. "But why are we all watching the movie too?"
"Because we also need to do some team building exercises and this will kill two birds with one stone," Mallory said. "And since I can't kill any of you with a stone…"
"Or get stoned," Cyril added.
"Touché," Mallory admitted. "Anyway think of this as multitasking."
"And I'm assuming that scotch you're drinking is part of the multitasking?" Ray asked as Mallory poured herself a drink.
"Why do you always ask questions you always know the answers to?" Mallory gave him a look.
"So what movie are we seeing?" Archer asked.
"Princess Pinkarella and the Lost Unicorn," Lana said.
"Good one," Archer laughed. "No seriously what are we seeing?"
"I'm serious," Lana gave him a look.
"WHAT?" Archer did a double take.
"It's a direct to video series about an African-American princess in a magical kingdom that teaches sharing, kindness and acceptance," Lana said.
"Are you telling me we have to sit through some multicultural friendship is wonderful crap?" Mallory groaned. "Where's the absinthe when I need it?"
"And it's a sing along!" Krieger cheerfully added. "With the words at the bottom so everyone can join in!"
"Dear God I'd rather be water boarded," Mallory shuddered. "I suppose Miss Gillette is delighted we're watching one of his favorite genres?"
"I never watched a princess movie," Ray told her. "I wanted to see Snow White when I was a kid but Daddy said no. He made me watch Rock Hudson in a gladiator movie marathon instead."
"Jesus Ray," Archer groaned. "Was your father trying to make you gay?"
"Mission accomplished," Mallory groaned.
"You know…?" Ray glared.
"Maybe Princess Pinkarella's lessons on kindness and tolerance might sink in to the rest of you people?" Cyril groaned. He picked up the DVD jacket. "Huh this has an impressive voice cast. Including H. Jon Benjamin."
"Never heard of him," Archer remarked.
"Even Alistair Burketon is in this," Cyril realized. "As the Wizard King."
"You're kidding!" Ray was stunned.
"According to this, it was one of his last roles before he died," Cyril looked at the jacket for the movie.
"God Alistair Burketon," Ray let out a breath. "He was my idol."
"He was?" Pam asked.
"When I was a kid, our family was so poor that half the trailer park thought we were white trash," Ray explained. "Mama always said that it didn't matter what other people thought but…As a kid it hurt."
"Then one day my family went to the movies," Ray went on. "My Daddy's cousin started working there so from then on we could go for free and only pay half price for popcorn. I'll never forget that first film I saw…It was The Scoundrel in New York. Alistair Burketon's first picture in his most famous role. A smooth talking sophisticate from Georgia who cons the criminals of New York while solving a murder case."
"I remember that movie," Archer said. "That was a really good one."
"Yes I have the entire Scoundrel series on DVD," Mallory said.
"Well for me it opened up a whole new world," Ray sighed. "Watching Alistair Burketon be suave and sophisticated and clever…I wanted nothing more than to be just like him. And I promised myself that when I grew up I would be just like my hero."
"Alistair Burketon was as gay as a St. Patrick's day parade in San Francisco," Mallory scoffed. "Mission accomplished."
"It wasn't about that!" Ray spat. "I admit that's a happy coincidence but…Ugh. Why do I bother? You wouldn't understand."
"I do," Archer said. "I always wanted to be like Burt Reynolds or Sean Connery. I loved those kind of movies. Super bad ass who got all the girls doing the coolest stuff. So yeah Ray I get where you're coming from."
"I used to secretly want to be a clone of Abraham Lincoln," Krieger sighed. "That's why I have a beard. That and so people won't think I'm original Hitler."
"But you're not a Hitler clone," Cheryl said. "Just a Nazi clone."
"Yeah but still…" Krieger shrugged. "There's still a stigma."
"I always wanted to be like the actor Blake Allen, you know the guy in all those cowboy movies," Cyril spoke up.
"Cyril you are nothing like Blake Allen. Steve Allen maybe but no way you're a Blake Allen," Archer scoffed.
"Yeah well you're not exactly a Burt Reynolds yourself!" Cyril snapped.
"Let's just watch the movie before this devolves into a fistfight," Lana said as she put AJ down.
"Good idea," Cyril said as he put the movie in.
"Awww…" Cheryl frowned. "I'd rather see the fistfight."
"Look AJ!" Archer put AJ on his lap. "We're gonna watch a movie instead of doing work! Yay!"
AJ giggled with delight. "Ow!" Archer winced. "AJ don't fidget so much. Daddy's wounds are still healing."
Soon the screen was filled with a beautiful African American princess in pink singing and dancing around with cute talking animals.
"I fought the Nazis for this?" Mallory groaned.
"Bunny Bun Bun has lost his magic carrot!" Princess Pinkarella twittered. "Can you find it?"
"It's right behind you!" Cheryl shouted out. "No, stupid rabbit! Over there! Over there!"
"If Snow White is anything like this I'm guessing I didn't miss out," Ray remarked.
"No, you stupid bunny rabbit!" Cheryl shouted. "It's over there! OVER THERE! OH MY GOD HOW DUMB ARE YOU?"
"Interesting person to ask that question," Krieger remarked.
"I know, right?" Pam snorted.
"Turn around you stupid rabbit!" Cheryl shouted.
"You know Bunny Bun Bun can't hear you right?" Pam asked with a sigh.
"Obviously!" Cheryl snapped. "You dumb buck!"
"What the…?" Ray did a double take.
"That's what a male rabbit is called!" Cheryl snapped. "A buck! And a female is a doe!"
"I thought that was a female deer?" Pam asked.
"That too," Cheryl said.
"So doe is also a rabbit," Pam said. "A female rabbit…"
"Ray…" Lana began.
"A drop of golden sun!" Krieger called out.
"No!" Lana barked. "I was going to ask him to turn up the volume! I can't hear the movie over Cheryl's shouting!"
"And that's a problem why?" Mallory groaned as she took a drink.
"YOU ARE THE STUPIDEST RABBIT EVER!" Cheryl shouted at the screen. "HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?"
"How are you still alive?" Pam asked her.
"When will Abbiejean be old enough to go to a bar?" Mallory asked. "Just checking…"
"Yeah I'd like to know that too," Archer said.
"You had to pick Archer to be the father of your child didn't you?" Lana groaned to herself.
Not long later into the movie AJ had moved to Lana's lap and was currently sound asleep. "Guess she's tired," Lana sighed.
"Tired of this dumb movie," Ray said. "Daddy was right. Those Rock Hudson gladiator movies are better."
"I think it proves that my granddaughter actually has taste," Mallory admitted. "Not even a toddler would buy this prepackaged liberal pabulum!"
"Uh…" Ray pointed at the others.
Archer, Cheryl, Pam, Krieger and Cyril had a glazed look in their eyes as they watched the movie. They were singing along to the movie. "Happy day in unicorn town! Happy day don't wear a frown!"
"And they say alcohol kills brain cells," Mallory grumbled as she took a drink.