iOh My Gay!
A/N: I've never had two stories going at the same time before, but after viewing the travesty of an iCarly episode that aired on April 9th, I feel compelled to make an exception by begining this new fic...
...to give you the real version of what's actually going on.
There are so many things wrong with iOMG that if I listed them all, this preface would become a twenty page manifesto, and let's face it, we all have better things to do; so I'll sum it up as best I can in just one concise observation: The episode's outcome seemed rushed, forced, and completely ridiculous/implausible. After more than four years of non-stop/vicious physical, mental, and emotional abuse (which continued into the first scene of this episode) Sam suddenly does a does a complete 180 and, seconds later, she's completely in love with Freddie? Come on! Especially when we know for a fact that she loves Carly. And vice versa.
Okay, I lied...two observations: Now that Sam is acting 'in love', Carly's actions were also completely OOC. Her sadistic treatment of Spencer in the controlled sensory chamber, accompanied by complete lack of conscience or compassion on her part (during and after) are a sad reflection on the show's writers and producers; not just in iOMG, but for most of Season Four's episodes. They obviously think we are willing to accept any lame, ill-contrived garbage, no matter how absurd...while they reveal what Ratings Whores they are(!)
CAM fans...you deserve better!
So, to those of you who were appalled by the iOMG Abomination, fear not. No matter what atrocities the show's incompetent, knuckle-dragging writers and producers subject you to, I'll be publishing the correct, CAM version of each tainted episode (usually within a week after each one airs)...so please check back regularly, for the true story...
...which will be updated as the TV show's current, ridiculous plot unfolds...
Synopsis: What really happened...
Pairing: Carly/Sam
Disclaimer: I don't own iCarly...but after seeing iOMG, I'm working on it!
Rated: "M"
Genre: Romance, Angst, Drama, Hurt, Comfort
Feedback: Intelligent reviews are welcome and appreciated.
Current Muse: She Runs Away (Duncan Sheik)
CARLY:
Everyone has their own personal breaking point.
The point where they regretfully turn their backs on every facet of their rock-solid, personal moral code; and do what they swore they'd never do, even if they lived to be one hundred.
Mine came when I realized I was in love with Sam.
Madly in love.
And, due to a staggering amount of evidence, I believed that she felt the same way about me.
But she never would admit it...
...even though I hinted around repeatedly.
And so I did what I did...
...not out of greed...
...not out of selfishness...
...but purely out of love.
I thought that by pushing her (hard) to have a boyfriend...
...she would freak out...
...and eventually crack...
...and as a result...
...she would come hurtling out of the closet...
...and into my arms...
...where she belongs.
SAM:
Everyone has their own personal breaking point.
The point where they completely turn their backs on the few remaining facets of their already-shaky, personal moral code and do what they swear they would never do to the one person in the world who they truly care about.
Mine came when I realized that I was in love with Carly.
Completely, madly, hopelessly in love with her.
But I was pretty sure that she didn't feel the same way about me.
Even worse, from the way she was hinting around, I felt she was catching onto the fact that I'm gay...
...and, hoping that she was wrong about it, she was pushing me (hard) to have a boyfriend.
And from what I've seen, as well as what I haven't, I'm pretty sure that Carly Shay is uncomfortable around gay people.
And so I did what I did...
...not out of spitefulness...
...not out of selfishness...
...but purely out of self-preservation.
I thought that by having a 'boyfriend'...
...I could hide in the closet...
...and continue to have Carly in my life, even though she wouldn't be in the way I wanted her to be...
...because, after all, half a pie is better than no pie.
Eight years ago, after what I will refer to as the 'tuna salad sandwich incident', Carly and I became best friends. And two years ago, after a major argument between us, we had promised each other that we would have No More Secrets from each other...ever.
And ever since that night, I tried hard to keep up my end of the promise.
But there's one thing I felt I never could tell her.
Because I'm scared of losing her.
Forever.
CARLY:
I hinted around.
My entire family has always frowned on homosexuality. On the few occasions when it was mentioned, it was never in a positive context.
When I was about fourteen, after several disastrous make-out sessions with guys...and the empty, unfulfilled feeling that always accompanied having a boyfriend...I began to question what was wrong with me...
..and to question the feelings I was beginning to have on the rare occasions when Sam would be affectionate...
...and to question why I kept manipulating a lot of situations...so she'd do it again.
After maybe six months of confusion...and another six months of fearful, I-don't-want-to-burn-in-hell denial...I had to admit it to myself: I'm gay.
And I'm in love with Sam.
But I also hate the thought of losing my family; and so, I've always hidden how I feel from them (and from the world at large).
I have no idea what would happen if they found out.
And so, up until now, even though I promised to tell her everything I've hidden it from Sam...
...but I just can't do it any longer.
I want us to be together.
More than anything.
Still, I'm too scared to come out to her. What if she doesn't really feel the same way about me? I don't want to lose her.
And so, I decided that if I could get Sam to admit it first, then it would be easier for me to tell her how I feel...
...and then, maybe with her to support me, I'd be strong enough to stand up to my dad and grandad's extreme disapproval.
In the past, Sam actually had mentioned gay-related subjects a few times...
...but during that period I was still questioning my sexuality...
...and, not wanting to 'get into it' before I was absolutely sure how I felt...
...about gays in general and about her in particular...
...I had always changed the subject.
And I had missed my chance.
She never brings it up anymore.
But now, after having struggled with this issue for such a long time...
...and finally admitting it to myself...
...and commiting to what I want...
...I set about getting it.
And so, the hinting around began.
Two years ago, as a Christmas gift, I gave Sam a rainbow ring...
...hoping that - thinking I was naive - she'd point out what it stands for; and then I could ask her how she knows that...
...and, once the conversation turned in that direction, to possibly get her to admit to being gay...
...but I failed.
Either she doesn't realize what it symbolizes...
...which might mean that she isn't gay...
...or maybe she really is gay, even though she won't say so...
...because, even though she had a weird look on her face when I gave it to her, she wears it.
Frequently.
Wanting to be a little more direct, I had a mustache necklace specially made for her as last year's Christmas gift...
...hoping that it would get the 'gay conversation' going...
...because there's no misunderstanding what a mustache symbolizes...
...but now she's started wearing that, too...
...and I don't know what to think...
...or what to say to her.
Anyway, what I did know was that it was now time to move on to 'Plan C'; and so, even though I haven't really dated anyone in almost two years, I started accepting invitations to go out, from some of the many guys who ask me...
...usually going for the hot-looking, gigolo types...
...so I'll have an easy way of breaking up with them: Acting offended when they try to push me to 'put out'...
...and then, finally (and hopefully)...
...out of extreme jealousy...
...Sam will out herself...
...and ask me to be her girlfriend.
But, much to my disappointment, it wasn't working. She's always shown only a benign interest in my dating life...
...so, now growing desperate, I realized that I had to crank things up a notch...
...and push her to have a boyfriend.
Hard.
Hoping that it will be the last straw, and that she'll finally crack.
To avoid arousing suspicion, I started slowly. For example, from time to time, I would ask her what she was looking for in a guy, but she always said only one thing: He has to be a good cook.
Whatever.
And then, slowly at first, and then more assertively, I began encouraging her to start dating.
But unfortunately, she started liking the most atrocious guys: Disgusting, heavily tattooed, and on parole.
Not what I had in mind.
So, not wanting her to get into even more trouble than she usually does...and even though it wasn't easy...I managed to talk her out of dating most of them; and thankfully, the few she did go out with didn't last...
...much to my relief...
...because I can't hug her if she's behind prison glass.
SAM:
The more she hinted around and pushed, the more scared I became.
Scared that she was trying to out me...
...and scared at what she would do once she had.
I hate to call Carly names, but I'm pretty sure she's a homophobe. After all, she never talks about gays or gay-related topics. On the few occasions when I would casually bring the subject up, she'd always change it.
That's what makes me think she's not gay-friendly. Her mom (God rest her soul) was a Sunday School teacher, and I guess that homosexuality is a subject that the entire family just pretends doesn't exist, because Spencer never mentions it either.
Even worse, their Grandad Shay actually did comment on it once...last year...when we were all watching the news, and they were showing coverage of the New York City Gay Pride Parade.
Grandad Shay snorted in disgust...
...and then said something that I won't repeat here...
...and then he condemned them all as "sick, twisted perverts"...
...while shooting what I swear was a hostile, accusing glare at me.
Nervously, I sneaked a peek at Spencer, and he was biting his lip.
Carly stared at the floor and said nothing.
And, that's when I became convinced that Carly finding out that I'm gay would end in disaster.
And that's when the downward spiral really began.
Enter Pete.
He was a nice enough guy, one who Carly wouldn't try to talk me out of dating; and therefore, he was an acceptable cover.
But still, I didn't think it was going to be enough. She was really pushing me to date him...
...and that made me extremely nervous.
And so, sacrificing all that I hold dear, I suffered through the humiliation of letting Carly turn me into a girly girl.
It was hell.
Girl's underpants.
Dresses.
Good table manners (eating like a lady, instead of with my usual gusto, not talking with my mouth full, etc.)
No more fist fights.
In other words, I completely and utterly deprived myself of everything that made life worth living...
...except for the one thing that I absolutely could not live without: Carly Shay.
Even though the entire 'Pete facade' only lasted for two and a half weeks, I'm pretty sure she bought that I'm straight.
But then again, I don't think she has any idea what gay culture is all about, because two years ago at Christmas, she gave me a rainbow ring.
She usually gives me jewelry as a gift, so that wasn't surprising; but I guess she doesn't realize what rainbows symbolize...
...and I didn't want to embarrass her by explaining...
...so I wear it.
Frequently.
But mostly on my left hand...
...because I know that in her own way, Carly cares about me...
...and I don't want her to find out that it's really a gay symbol...
...because that would be awkward.
For both of us.
This year's Christmas gift from her was better: It was a custom-made mustache necklace...
...which I love...
...because it represents the character I play (Cowboy with a Mustache) in our Idiot Farmgirl Skit...one of iCarly's most popular short plays...
...so now I wear it.
Frequently.
Anyway, back to what I was saying.
I realize that Carly could never love me the way I love her.
Carly likes guys.
I know this for a fact because she dates so damn many of them. Although I don't really understand her taste. She keeps going for these self-centered, pretty-boy, gigolo types...
...and they don't last.
When I ask her why she broke up with the latest one, the answer is almost always the same: They were only after 'one thing'.
Every time she says this, I want to yell that everything she's looking for is right here...
...and that I would treat her so well...
...and that I would never push her to do something she's not ready for...
...and that I'd love her so deeply (I already do)...
...forever...
...but I know that I don't dare.
And so, knowing that I can never have her love...and in order to maintain my sanity...I often escape into my own little fantasy world.
After Carly smiles at me a certain way, or puts her arm around me (online – for the world to see(!), I often go off somewhere by myself, sit down, and stare blankly; and while I do, I embellish what just happened with my own personal version of events...
...where her smile is always be followed by a loving, lingering kiss...
...or when the web cast ends and Freddie leaves, she takes me by the hand and leads me down the hall...
...to her bedroom.
I've been doing this for years, and I'll admit, sometimes when I'm doing it and I'm all alone, I cry from frustration and longing...
...when I'm forced back to reality, and realize that it was just a beautiful dream...
...but even though it never can be real, I can't ever stop dreaming...
...because if I do, I'll die.
During the past year, things have gotten even more difficult, and I think that Carly is beginning to question my sexuality again, because she's been pushing me to have a boyfriend.
Hard.
She used to let me be myself...not caring that I rarely ever date...and not asking a thousand questions about what I'm looking for in a guy.
How can I possibly answer that question?
I know that once you begin lying, it results in an eventual avalanche, and so I keep things simple. I just tell her that he has to be a good cook; mainly because the hell-raiser guys I now pretend to like tend to spend very little time in the kitchen. And even in the case of the rare ones who do, I can always say that their cuisine isn't to my taste...giving me an excellent excuse to dump them.
But so far...I've rarely had to go to the trouble of dumping anyone, because now that Carly has been pushing me (hard) to have a boyfriend, I've been telling her I like guys who I'm sure will horrify her: Disgusting, heavily tattooed, on parole...
And I was right: She was always horrified.
And even though I most definitely didn't let her 'persuade' me easily, I would usually let her talk me out of it...and so I rarely ever had to date any of those losers. The few I did see, on the few occasions when I felt a cover was necessary, never lasted longer than one or two dates...just enough to scare her into begging me to break up with them.
Which she always did.
Eventually, this apparently wore her down...
...because each guy I brought to her attention was worse than the last...
...and I think she was afraid that I'd eventually bring home Jack the Ripper...
...so, her frequent suggestions that I date dwindled to only occasional ones...
...and I thought I was in the clear.
I was wrong.
CARLY:
Things came to a head one Saturday, when the entire student body of Ridgeway High had to stay at school all night and complete their semester projects.
Most of you probably don't believe me...
...an entire high school full of students...
...locked in all night...
...with absolutely no faculty members on the premises to supervise us (with the exception of Principal Franklin who apparently, spent most of the night in his office)...
...yet it happened...
...because of what had happened during last year's lock-in night.
To this day, no one knows who blindfolded the six teachers who were supervising us...
...let alone who locked them in the broom closet...
...where they were found nine hours later...
...huddled together and babbling incoherently
Anyway, this year not a single staff member would agree to be present...
...even though they were offered to be paid triple time for the evening.
But I'm getting a little ahead of myself.
The previous Wednesday, right after classes ended for the day, Freddie challenged Sam to an arm wrestling match. You can guess what happened, so I won't bore you with the details; but just as it ended, Brad, a former iCarly intern applicant, and a recently-transferred Ridgeway student walked into the classroom.
We had seriously considered him for the intern position, before we decided to hire Cort.
Personally, I had pushed hard to hire Cort, because I was planning to hang all over him, hoping to make Sam jealous...
...and, as an added bonus, hoping to discourage Freddie from chasing me.
Unfortunately, things didn't work out at all as I had planned, but that's another story for another day.
Back to the present.
When Brad heard that we'd fired Cort, he volunteered to be our intern again and I saw - and grabbed - the perfect window of opportunity it presented.
He would be the perfect guy for me push onto Sam.
For starters, he's a good cook, so she can't complain when I tell her that he's everything she's looking for...after all, that's her only prerequisite for a 'boyfriend'. Also, he'll be spending so much time with us that I can keep pushing the two of them together...and she won't be able to escape/stop me...
...and hopefully, after only a few weeks, she'll cave in completely.
SAM:
A few days before our all-night, semester project lock-in, right after I'd completely humiliated Fredwina in front of a class full of students (unfortunately, he was too stupid to realize it), who should walk into the room but Brad, who we had recently considered as an intern before hiring Cort.
Personally, I had pushed hard to hire Cort, for two reasons: 1) Even though Carly seemed to like him, he was so stupid that anything she might start with him (romantically) would never amount to anything. 2) It would make Fredweird insanely jealous, which would give me further opportunities to bully/manipulate him...
...and, as an added bonus, it might finally convince him to give up longing for/drooling over Carly.
You know the rest of that story.
Anyway, Carly's been acting suspicious again and I needed a cover, and so when Brad volunteered to be our intern, I saw and grabbed the perfect window of opportunity that it presented.
He would be the perfect guy for me to hide behind.
For starters, he's a good cook, so I can convince Carly that I like him...after all, that's my only 'prerequisite' for a 'boyfriend'. Also, he'll be spending so much time with us that I can 'date him' without actually having to spend much, if any, time alone with him.
Best of all, he's a geek..so it's that much less 'lovey-dovey drama' I'll have to deal with.
Before Brad entered the picture, I had agreed to work with Carly and Gibby on their 'Controlled Sensory Chamber' project (okay, I was planning to let them do 99% of the work(!); but when Freddie and Brad teamed up to do their 'Mood Face' project, I jumped right in...
...so I could begin spending time with Brad, with the luxury of a built-in chaperone...
...effectively delaying the need to fight off any romantic advances.
It took Carly a little while to figure out what I was up to.
CARLY:
Three days later, Brad helped us with our first webcast...
...but I paid very little attention to him.
As usual, I had my arm around Sam for most of the show, but not just for the usual reason (which is that I love pulling her close and letting her lean up against me). More importantly, I wanted Brad to witness it; because when most guys see two girls touching or being otherwise affectionate, it sends their mind off in a Very Specific Direction.
I'm not sure if he got the hint, because minutes later, and much to my surprise, Sam offered to help Brad and Freddie with their 'Mood Face' project.
Although I had no idea why she switched projects, and I felt disappointed that she would be working with them instead of with me, I realized that this was going to be easier than I thought; because now they'd automatically have to spend time together. And, after a few private conversations with Brad...while dropping subtle hints about how beautiful Sam is and how no one in their right mind could possibly resist her...he'll be all over her like a cheap suit!
And then, he'll be following her around like a love-sick puppy.
After that, it will only be a matter of time before she caves in completely and comes running to me!
Once she's been a good girl and declared her undying love for me, I'll even show my appreciation by helping her get rid of him. I'll just casually mention her countless faults to Brad, and he'll run for the hills.
Immediately.
But back to business.
As soon as Sam volunteered to 'work', Freddie prodded her shoulder in disbelief, and I immediately recognized the perfect opportunity to show a little more affection.
Closing my eyes, I leaned in close to the back of her neck and smelled her...
...intensely.
And, as I did, I swear I felt her body trembling.
XXXXX
The following evening, I found myself alone with Spencer. Sam and I had planned to spend the evening together, but right before our last class had let out, she blew me off to go to the movies with Freddie and Brad. As upsetting as this was, I realized that sacrifices have to be made; and so I hid my disappointment from the three of them.
Anyway, Spencer and I had rotisserie chicken delivered from Cluck You!; and right after dinner, I declined Spencer's invitation to watch 'Politicians Under Water' (which, for the record, is a great show, even though, so far, there have – unfortunately - been no fatalities).
Mumbling something about a 'mountain of homework', I excused myself and went to my room.
Lonely and bored, I sat down on the edge of the bed. I missed her. What was she doing right now? Was Brad putting his arm around her in the dark movie theater? No...probably not in front of Freddie.
This might take a bit longer than I thought.
Oh well, it's all about the big picture now.
Because I can't live without her.
I got up and walked across my bedroom, and then stared at my reflection in the mirror.
"Eyes on the prize."
SAM:
Fortunately, Brad and Fred-dumb are such geeks that they barely noticed that I was hardly contributing anything to their project. When they did instruct me to help, I handled their computer equipment so roughly and 'ineptly', that, after a short-but-intense, private conference between themselves, they informed me that the only thing I had to do was to be their test subject #3.
Aah...Easy Street!
The following evening, wanting Carly to begin suspecting that I actually liked Brad, I condescended to go to the movies with him.
And with Fred-douche the chaperone.
Afterward, I let Brad walk me home.
Alone.
As we sauntered through the nearly deserted, lamplit streets, en route to where I live, he babbled on excitedly about our school project; and how he was sure we were going to get an "A".
I pretended to be interested and asked a fair number of open-ended questions (so he did most of the talking).
Finally, as we reached the entrance to my apartment building, I turned to him and flashed my most gag*adorable*gag smile; as I actually paid him a compliment, "Brad, with someone as intelligent as you helping us, we're sure to ace this project!"
I'm not sure if he would have tried to kiss me goodnight...
...because I never gave him a chance.
Not waiting for a response of any kind, I hurried up my steps and into my building.
Once inside, I walked across the wide foyer, and over to a side window. Peeking out, I saw him staring up the stairs, for almost a minute...
...apparently lost in thought.
Finally, he turned away and walked off into the night...
...and I walked up three flights of stairs and into my apartment.
Well, at least the evening wasn't a total disaster, I thought as I kicked off my checkered Van sneakers and sat down on the edge of my bed...
...thinking of Carly. I missed her. What was she doing now? If I were there with her...
Suddenly, I stopped myself. It was no good regretting that we were going to be spending less time together.
It was all about the big picture now.
Because I can't live without her.
I got up and walked across my bedroom, and then stared at my reflection in the mirror.
"Eyes on the disguise."
XXXXX
Saturday night, I showed up at school only twenty minutes late (instead of my usual hour), bringing among other things, tortilla chips and homemade guacamole...(gotta keep up appearances for Carly).
And at first, even though she didn't actually ask me if I liked Brad, she seemed to be buying it.
Fred-tard, however, was onto me.
Dragging me aside I cringed in humiliation as he accused me of being, "nice helpful and considerate"...
...while fighting back the compelling urges to vomit and to deny it.
Taking a calm, steadying breath, I suggested that we get to work on our project.
His first direction to me was to sit and stare into the Pear Pad...
...which was easy.
As I took my seat, I assured him that, "I do like sittin' and starin'.
What I don't like is someone else telling me to do it...
...especially when they are so incompetent that they can't get their stupid computer to work.
And so, I stared...
...and stared...
...and stared...
...while Fred-dog fiddled with his controls.
Finally, bored and restless, I decided to make the best of a crappy situation and to do what I enjoy most...
...escape into my own little fantasy world.
And so, while waiting for Fred-freak to figure out what the hell he was doing...
I deliberately (and gladly) shifted my thoughts from the 'Mood Face' scanner recognition software app...
...to Carly...
...to how great she looked this evening, in her black jeans, v-neck shirt, and boots...
...to how she had her arm around me for most of our last webcast...
...to how she had leaned close to me and smelled the back of my neck...
...and to the way it had made me tremble...
...the same way I was trembling right now.
Oh, God...I love her so much! I wish it was Friday now, so I could feel her arm around my shoulders again...
...and let her pull me close to her...
...and feel her body pressed up against mine...
...and why is Freddie looking at me that way?
Puzzled, I hopped down off my chair, and walked over to find out what was wrong...
...but after a highly unsatisfying and completely unrevealing answer, he grabbed his laptop and ran out of the classroom.
CARLY:
Even though I pretended to be surprised when Freddie insisted that his new program proved that Sam was in love, I really wasn't...
...because he's been having trouble with that app ever since it became available. During a press conference last week, the manufacturer had actually admitted that they had released the software without working all the bugs out of it first.
However, I immediately realized that I could use this information to my advantage.
Telling Sam that I 'knew she loved Brad' could only help accelerate the process of her outing herself.
And so, I did tell her.
Of course, she denied it.
But despite her belligerant rantings that the app doesn't work and that she doesn't feel that way about him, I poked her, and teased her, and insisted that she did.
I had a much easier time convincing Freddie.
He probably thought (and hoped) that if Sam gets laid it actually might make her less aggressive.
At any rate, after a sincere speech that Sam is "a little awkward about liking guys"...
...he bought it.
Completely.
And then, after a thinly-veiled metaphor about how horses mate..
...he was only too happy to help me push those two together.
SAM:
I hate working!
Even though I was well aware that I was sacrificing my time, patience and sanity for a specific reason; I still Hate-Hate-Hate-Hate-HATE IT!
Which means that I was thrilled to hear Fred-schmuck's invitation to check out the two-headed frog in the school courtyard.
Anything to break up the endless, soul-crushing monotony of being with these two geeks!
However, my hopes of mindless entertainment and temporary escape were soon destroyed when Carly blocked Brad and me from leaving the classroom...
...and then turned off the lights...
...and then announced that she wasn't coming back.
Not sure how to feel about this.
On the one hand, she believed...due in part to Fred-lewd's (unfortunately accurate) app...that I was in love...
...with Brad, (and not, Thank God(!) with her...
...but now, here we are...all alone; and knowing all too well what horny, adolescent boys are like, I have the feeling that he's going to want to make out with me.
With a resigned sigh I turned to him.
He just stood there, looking at me expectantly...and I realized that he was waiting for me to give him a hint (or some encouragement).
Unsure how to handle this unforeseen (and therefore unplanned-for) situation, I decided to just 'wing it' as best I could; and so, after an awkward silence, I said, "Uh, I'm really glad you're our intern."
"I like it," he replied.
Damn. Now what do I say?
"So, did Fred-drag tell you that we broadcast all year round...including in the summertime?" I continued.
"Yeah," he replied. "Unfortunately though, I'm not sure how long I'm going to be in Seattle. My dad is an in-house ad exec for Meridian Dynamics. They have divisions in twelve different cities, and last month he found out that might be transferred to the company's Philadelphia office. I don't have any other family here, so if he does transfer, I'm going to have to move with him and switch schools again."
Damn!
I immediately realized that, if his time with us might be limited...
...then it's pointless to cultivate a 'relationship' with him...
...only to have to start all over again when he leaves.
In addition, our next intern might be completely unacceptable (translation: revolting), for any number of reasons.
Yet, I still need a 'front' to keep Carly off my back.
Now what? I asked myself...
...already knowing the answer.
And not liking it one bit.
And so, while fighting the overwhelming urge to slam my head (repeatedly) into the nearest wall, I admitted to myself...
...with stabbing pangs of despair and disgust...
...that I'm going to have to use Fredweird for a front.
Realizing that I was coming dangerously close to having an all-out panic attack, I forced myself to try to see brighter side to the situation...
...but I couldn't find one!
Finally, after wracking my brains, it came to me: At least he's such a tech geek, I won't have to fight off sexual advances every five minutes. Everytime he gets 'in the mood', I'll just bring up the subject of the latest Pear app, and his attention should be immediately and completely diverted.
Still, this whole scenario is going to be hell.
For all three of us.
But there's no turning back now...
...not if I want to keep Carly in my life.
First things first though: I had to call her on her crap.
And second things second: Now that I can't use Brad to hide behind, I'm going to have to get her to stop pushing him on me.
Making a lame excuse about needing to use the bathroom, and promising that I'd be back in a few minutes, I turned the classroom lights back on and left Brad alone...
...and then, dragging my feet, I headed to the classroom where Carly was working with Spencer and Gibby; trying to figure out how to break the news.
Seconds after I entered the room, she looked up...
...obviously surprised to see me...
...and even more surprised when I pulled her aside.
After criticizing her for leaving me alone with Brad, I began distancing myself from him, blaming Fred-drunk's stupid computer app for not working.
She wasn't buying it.
As much I protested, swearing that I wasn't in love, she accused me of 'acting different'...
...not believing me when I denied it...
...maybe due to the fact that I looked away from her as I did.
And then, from out of nowhere, she broke my heart.
"Sam, I just want you to be happy."
At that moment, I wanted to throw my arms around her...
...not caring that there were ten other students in the room...
...dying to tell her that she makes me happy...
...and that I can make her deliriously happy, if only she'll let me...
...but I forced my feelings back down into the deepest, most secretive part of myself...
...and instead, I answered, "Then bake me a pie."
Her reply severely tested my already-fragile sense of restraint.
"Make a move."
And I did make a move.
I took a step toward her.
And then, while I fought the sudden, humiliating urge to cry, she delivered the final blow. "Don't you want a nice boyfriend?"
Completely destroyed, I stared at floor...
...scared that my eyes would give me away.
Ten minutes later, I found myself outside...
...sitting slumped against the courtyard wall...
...dreading the direction that my relationship with Carly was about to take...
...dreading that I was going to have to live a complete lie...
...with the most annoying person I know.
As I heard the door close behind him...
..I looked up.
And over his shoulder, I saw her looking out the window behind him.
At me.
I'm not sure if she realized that I saw her standing there...
...but seconds later, she darted to one side and out of view.
And then, I got to my feet...
...leaving my heart on the ground behind me.
The last thing I wanted to do was to let either of them think that I was in love with Freddie.
The next-to-last thing I wanted to do was to listen to his lame speech about not knowing if the person you like is going to like you back.
I already knew the answer to that question.
And it hurts more than words can ever describe.
But he wouldn't shut up...
...not even after I threatened to do my 'double fist dance' on his face.
I didn't have to look. I could feel her eyes on me again.
And I knew that the time had come.
The time to lie to Carly...
...and to Freddie...
...and even to myself...
...and so, with my abandoned heart bleeding all over the sidewalk...
...and doing my best to ignore the excruciating, agonizing ache for what I knew I could never have...
...I threw the last traces of my self-respect out the window...
...and I kissed the dork...
...for at least ten seconds (had to make it look convincing to him - and more importantly - to her).
Pulling back, my eyes quickly darted to the right.
Yep, she was looking again.
I'm not sure if she was aware that I saw her, but if she ever asks me, I'm going to deny it.
I shifted my gaze to Freddie's face.
He looked properly stunned.
I took a deep breath.
"Sorry."
I knew I had to apologize to him...
...for what I just did...
...and, more importantly, for what was about to follow...