A/N: The idea behind this fic came from Librarybook many, many months ago. She said she wondered how Alex and Piper would cope to being accidentally married. While I've tried to make this as Vauseman as possible, it pretty much follows the structure and script of the movie. Creative? Maybe, maybe not. I'll let the readers decide.

Prepare yourself for an intense amount of ridiculousness since we know that our Alex is nowhere the massive dork that is Ashton Kutcher, or is she?

To reiterate from the summary: [Follows the structure and script of the movie with the same name.], especially Ch 1

A blonde woman who was the definition of perfection, wearing a short, tight skirt trotted out of the residential complex with a man with close cropped but curly dark brown hair, brown eyes, a well-defined nose and pale skin. His tie was tucked under his sweater vest which was pulled over a button down. There hardly seemed to be any room under his suit jacket with all of his jackass layers.

"Here you go, sweetie." She handed the man a smoothie as they both headed out of the complex for work. She took a sip from her straw protruding from her own cup. The matching hard plastic cups with matching plastic straws were the usual. "I tried banana nut sprout this morning. Thought, you know, a little change of pace, thought somebody deserves something special for his birthday, Larry," the blonde chirped. Her voice was a little on the too sweet sing-songy side.

The dour look on Larry's face did not even begin to hide his disgust. Larry took a sip and fought his gag reflex. "Yeah. It's good Piper," he said, quickly looking away so she wouldn't see.

Without noticing her fiancé's reaction, Piper continued to babble as she beamed at him. "Okay, so I made reservations tonight at Babbo at 8:30. I thought maybe we could talk about, you know, setting a date?"

Grumbling out loud, Larry questioned the blonde. "Did you just make a plan to make a plan?"

"Did I just do that again?" Piper put a little pouty face on that normally got her what she wanted.

"Yeah, you did." The man was frowning as he glanced up to check the intersection.

"Sorry."

"It's all right." Not really. In fact, Larry was quite fed up with the type A personality antics of the woman he had asked to marry him.

"All right, I'll see you later, okay?" Larry turned to cross the corner towards his job.

Piper called out after him, grabbing his elbow. "Hey, hey, hey! Love you."

He winced, turning back to his fiancé. She leaned in for a kiss, and he leaned up to kiss her on the forehead. "Love you, too. Bye."

"Happy birthday!" She called across to Larry.

"You, too!" He absent-mindedly called back over the shoulder, completely missing the befuddled look on Piper's face.

The tall, lanky black-haired woman opened the door to her apartment wearing a raggedy t-shirt and cut off sweats. She eyed the woman standing in front of her before pushing her black-rimmed glasses up to the top of her head.

A long-legged woman stood there, dressed in an adult scout uniform with an extremely short skirt. The newcomer kicked a heel back, pushed her ample breasts forward, and cheerfully said, "Hello ma'am. Would you like to buy some cookies?"

The resident looked the visitor up and down before stuttering, "I would. I really would. I just... Unfortunately, I don't have any money."

The woman giggled as she pushed her way into the apartment. "That's okay. I don't have any cookies."

After a few solid rounds of adult activities in the apartment, the two women lay spent on the floor of the apartment. The "scout" traced patterns on the woman's chest. "Alex. I need a key." She then got up to put on her clothes.

A panicked look crossed Alex's face. "Wow. Wow. That..." she stammered. "What?"

The woman was pulling on her shoes as she spoke. Alex pushed herself up on her elbows but still laying on the floor where their sexual escapades had occurred.

"No! I want a key. Like an actual key to your apartment," the woman demanded, "so I don't have to wait outside when I'm dressed in these little slutty outfits." At that comment, Alex grinned a Cheshire Cat grin. The woman continued. "I don't want to live with you. No offense. And you know I mean this in the nicest possible way. You're not exactly serious girlfriend/marriage material."

Alex rolled to one side and pulled a blanket off the couch to cover her torso. "And I pride myself on that." She found a partially full beer bottle beside the couch and took a long swig.

The woman finished getting dressed and headed to the door. "I gotta go. I'll see you next week." She waved over her shoulder as she headed out. "What're we doing? Mother of the baby saved from the fire and the sexy, shirtless fire fighter?"

Piper walked into the doors of the New York Stock Exchange and swiped her way through the security turnstile. At the coat closet, she exchanged her outerwear for a maroon traders jacket and made her way to the trading floor.

An Asian woman looked up at her, acknowledging her. "Chapman."

Piper nodded back and glared. "Soso."

Then the opening bell of the New York Stock Exchange rang to a flurry of furious trading.

Alex and several men were crowded around a television on the shop floor, watching a basketball game and cheering. "Hey! Hey! Hey, hey! Here we go! Yeah!" Money exchanged hands from all the bets that had been made. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a round woman with a full head of dyed red hair forcefully walking in her direction. The crowd of men scattered, leaving Alex spinning to turn off the game.

Alex frantically turned like she was directing the men's work. "That's looking good!" She checked a piece of wood for straightness. "All right! That's good form right there. Let's keep that up, huh?" Running her hands across the finish of another piece, she exclaimed, "that's a beautiful veneer. Just throw that on the edge-band and we're set." She was calling out nonsensical instructions which did nothing but to make her look even more guilty of being caught not working. Again.

"Hey, Alex?" Alex turned, trying to look shocked at seeing Red there. "You're fired!"

Ignoring the words, Alex turned to the man standing next to her working on a table saw. "What? I can't hear you over the saw. We're in the zone over here. I don't want to lose focus." She waved her hand around. "That's how people lose fingers, huh?"

Red repeated herself. "You're fired."

Still ignoring the words, Alex shouted motivation to the men. "All right. We are fired up, boys!"

Finally, Red yelled. "You are fired!" All the commotion on the shop floor faded away.

Still grinning, Alex pulled a quarter out of her pocket. "Funny, funny. All right. I have an idea. I'll flip you for it. You win, I'm out. I win. I get a second chance."

Red put her hands on her hips and scowled. "It's not a second chance when you've had a hundred of them."

Alex bounced on the balls of her feet. "Best of five?" She questioned.

Red relented and grabbed the quarter from Alex.

After a few flips, Alex was smirking. "Oh! Two-one! Keeping my job! Yeah! Okay. All right."

Red calmly spoke. "Do you know what? You're supposed to be the future boss, my adopted daughter. But you're too busy being the life of the party. At some point, you're gonna have to grow up." Red flipped again. "Two-two. Getting closer to unemployment!"

"Okay, old lady. You want to play? The boss got game, the boss got game. This is it. Drumroll boys."

She flipped one last time. When the coin landed as Red had called it, Alex looked as though she had been slapped. She looked disgusted. "You know what? This is ridiculous. Flipping for a job." Alex threw the quarter down in disgust and turned to walk away.

"You know what? That's your problem." Red quickly retorted. "You can't handle the pressure. As soon

as you think you're going to lose, you quit. Game over, Alex. Don't get me wrong. You're like family to me."

"Red, I am your niece. We ARE family." Alex's voice showed her disgust.

"Yeah, and it's time to cut the cord. Let's go clean out your desk."

Piper ran to the apartment door to demonstrate for her friends gathered in hers and Larry's apartment what she wanted done. "Okay everyone, listen!" She motioned to the door. "I'm going to bring him in," then she moved to the light switch. "I'm gonna turn on the lights, and that's when you yell, "Surprise!"

"Oh, that's how a surprise party works! I'm totally gonna write that down." Piper's friend, Polly, could barely hide her sarcastic comments. "Can we drink yet?"

Upon hearing the elevator ding, Piper whispered, "Okay. Everyone, hide! Hide, hide, hide!" She went out to meet Larry as the friends scattered to the left and right of the open apartment door.

"Hi, sweetie!" Piper gave Larry a cheeky kiss.

"Hey." Larry barely looked at her while he thumbed through his mail.

"Welcome home. Happy birthday. Okay, come inside..." She tugged on Larry's elbow trying to guide him to the waiting friends.

Larry stopped just short of the door. "Listen, Piper. We need to talk."

"Okay. Well, let's do it inside. Okay?" Piper was excited for him to see his friends who had come to celebrate his birthday.

"No, no, no. I can't, or I'll never do this." Larry was frustrated. "Look, there's no easy way to say this."

Piper was cheery and bent on the one thing she needed to get accomplished – her fiancé through the door to start the party. "Okay, then don't. Okay? Just think it, and then later, I'll try to figure out what it was you were thinking." Piper's high-pitched voice was grating on Larry's nerves. "Okay? Let's just go inside." She grabbed his hand to pull him through the open door to the guests who were waiting in the dark apartment.

"No, no, no, no, no, no!" Larry pulled back. "This can't wait, Piper. You know I have a really, really, REALLY important job. And when I come home, I want this place to be an escape. But as of late, it's not. Yes, the sex is great, okay?" Polly was crouched on the opposite side of the couch. Her eyes grew wide at this admission. Larry seemed so straight-laced.

"I mean, that's fantastic, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate all the things you've been trying. But the rest is so exhausting. You're so on all the time," Larry snapped his fingers for emphasis, "with all the scheduling and planning, it's just..." Larry took a deep breath before continuing. "I don't want to marry you, Piper." A quiet collective gasp came from the guests waiting in the apartment as they listened to this admission.

Larry went on. "I'm leaving you. Well, I mean, this is my place, so technically, you would be the one that has to leave, but..." Piper stood there, eyes starting to well up. Larry looked at her. "Are you crying?" He reached around and flipped on the light to get a better look at Piper's face.

His friends started to mill about the apartment, some uttering an unenthusiastic "Surprise…"

Larry saw the decorated apartment and his friends. "Oh, shitballs." He reached down to grab Piper's hand, but she jerked it away and stomped off.

Alex sat in a bar across from a wild haired woman. They both slammed down their empty beer glasses and Alex ordered another round as the other woman belched.

"Yeah, what you said. Hey! Here..." Alex slid a fresh beer to her friend. "Do you have any idea how much money I've made her Nicky? You're my lawyer. Can I sue her for something?"

"Well, the problem with suing your aunt is that … she's your aunt."

Alex waved her off. "She'd probably love it, me giving an effort at something. You don't know." Alex groaned, "what am I gonna do about money?"

Nicky raised her eyebrows and laughed. "Wow. You're just realizing that right now? Fascinating."

"I could do a lot of things for money. I'm good at stuff. Like… I'll bet you $5 I can finish this beer faster than you." Alex plastered her trademark 'I'm drunk' grin on her face.

"Really? You're on." Nicky grabbed her beer and turned it bottoms up.

Meanwhile, in the same bar, Piper and Polly were commiserating over Larry dumping Piper. "He doesn't even deserve me. Okay, looky! I can be spontaneous. I can." Piper pulls out some airline tickets with a bow stuck on top from her purse and waves them in front of her friend's face. "These are a gift for Larry."

"What's that?" Polly plucks them from her hand and looks at the destination. "Vegas? I thought you hated Vegas Piper."

"I do, but, you know, that's why they call it a gift Pol, because it truly is selfless." Piper took another sip of her margarita.

"Here's my thought on what we should do with this whole Larry thing." Polly was conniving since she never really liked Larry all that much in the first place. Now that he had hurt her friend, she despised him even more.

"Okay. Once a week, we get some of my brother's loser-ass friends to go over to Larry's house,

ring his doorbell, and leaving a burning bag of dog shit on his doorstep. When he answers it, of course he's going to stomp out the fire and get poo all over his shoes."

"Then he's going to start screaming, 'Why?'" Polly had her fists clenched with an exasperated look on her face. My brother's friends will jump out from around the corner and shout, "you know why! Then I'll kick him in the balls and run off."

Piper finished off her margarita and looked at her friend questioningly. "Wow! Did you just think of that?"

"No, I was thinking about it a lot on the way over." Polly nonchalantly said. She pointed at her friend's hand. "Piper, you're gonna need to take off this ring."

Piper looked at the huge rock wistfully and twisted it off her hand. "No, I... I'm just... I'm just gonna... I'm just going to wear it on the other hand." She slid the engagement ring to her right hand.

Nicky slammed down her empty beer glass. Pointing at Alex's whose was still half full, she shouted teasingly. "You are a child! What is that? What is that?"

Alex grinned, motioning for another round, and said. "Double or nothing."

After getting beat a second time, Alex started howling. "You're on fire. Kid, you are on fire.

This is like... I mean, you're lucky."

Nicky put her head down on the bar feeling nauseated after chugging the two beers. "I don't feel so good."

Alex was super excited. "We need to capitalize on this. You are on a roll. You know what's gonna make you feel better? Where's the one place where you can step up?"

"Uhhhh, community college?"

Across the bar, Polly picks up the tickets and waves them in Piper's face. "Where can you go where you can forget all your troubles and act like a total idiot? I am talking about one place and one place only, my friend."

Piper groans. "Do not say Vegas."

Nicky leans forward towards Alex. "Please say Vegas."

Alex begins to howl, "Vegas, baby."

Polly hops off her barstool and begins to shimmy. "Vegas… Las Vegas!"

Soon the whole bar is chanting, "Vegas! Vegas! Vegas! Vegas!"