Song - 9 Crimes by Damien Rice.
Excellent song.
I really love reviews. 3
Leave me out with the waste, this is not what I do…
What was I doing? This boy…this person that I'd only know for mere days had pulled me into a trap, luring me with his seductive eyes, tricking me with his loving and trusting smile. But it wasn't anything more, it was a trap…a diabolical scheme to pull me away from Matt.
But I couldn't stop. This boy…this man; was how I survived the fights with Matt. The cold nights where his back had been turned to me, and his cold blue eyes hadn't warmed when I had walked through the door. I could only handle it because of him.
It's the wrong kind of place to be thinking of you…
But when I kissed him…all I could think of was Matt. His gloved hands sliding down my side, his long fingers tangling in my hair. His goggles lying limp around his neck, his whisper a warm serenade in my ears.
I couldn't see silver hair, I could only see red.
I couldn't see light blue eyes, I only saw dark.
White shirts became striped, and toys became video games.
What was even the point?
It's the wrong time, for somebody new…
When I was in his arms…I only wanted Matt. But I hungered for a connection so badly I would stay with this boy…because he loved me. He loved me more than Matt could ever come close to. Murmurs of I love you were meaningless without proof, and Matt couldn't offer that proof.
So, I had Near.
It's a small crime, and I've got no excuse…
I don't even think Matt would care if he found out. He may pretend to be mad, but he couldn't pretend that he wasn't seeing other boys on the side. I knew he was, He could only hide so many hickeys, so many sets of bruised lips that didn't come from me.
It tore me apart, more than he would ever know.
My stoic façade of blank indifference was wearing thin…but I would leave before I would let him see completely under it.
And is that alright with you?
I would leave at night…and I know he would hear me. If he cared he didn't let on, he would just roll over, his back turned coldly to me. I wanted to scream at him, "Maybe if you would look at me! Maybe if you would love me I wouldn't have to get someone else to!"
But I wouldn't.
I was supposed to be the strong one.
Mello didn't need love to function.
Or so everyone thought.
Give my gun away when it's loaded…
Matt were killing me…and Near was my lifeline, without him, I don't think I would be able to make it. Sometimes I would watch Matt sleep and weep silently, wanting only to hold him through his dreams, all the good ones, and the nightmares as well.
I only ever had nightmares anymore.
But Near was the only one that would hold me.
The only one that would stroke my hair and tell me it was alright.
If you don't shoot it, how am supposed to hold it?
But it wasn't alright.
I didn't love him, I loved Matt, that jerk.
But isn't this how it is? You're always loved by someone who you don't love, and love someone that doesn't love you back.
Maybe I should've learned that by now.
But you can never get past how badly it hurts…how a person can make you feel like you would rather die than face another day without their attention.
Leave me out with the waste, this is not what I do…
Cradled in Near's arms, he wouldn't see the tears dripping down my cheeks. But I knew he could taste them in my kiss, and feel them shaking me…I felt like they were shaking my soul.
I would go home, feeling miserable, wondering if I would feel much worse if I was loyal.
It didn't matter, I would always go back to him. He was like a drug to me.
So was Matt…but Matt was too hard to acquire, Near was easy.
It's the wrong kind of place to be cheating on you…
I knew I shouldn't feel bad about it…this tryst. I left and then Matt left, I knew that's how it was.
Kissing Near I tried not to imagine Matt doing the same to someone else. I couldn't take it. I just wanted him to catch me in the act…just to see if the ghost of jealousy would run across his face, or if he wouldn't care and shrug it off.
Matt didn't seem to notice the hickies and bruised lips as I did.
And if he did he didn't let on.
It's the wrong time, he's pulling me through…
Matt…Matt…Matt…
I love you, Matt.
I love you.
Can't he see my heart is breaking?
Can't he hear it when I talk?
Can't he feel it when we kiss?
It's a small crime, and I've got no excuse…
I wanted to try to talk to him…but I couldn't.
I was too afraid, afraid that he would say I was being overdramatic, that I was being a child. Matt's the only one that ever made me feel fear; the only one I cared enough about to care about a petty thought or a useless word.
But one word from his lips was enough to send my whole world crashing down.
Is that alright with you?
He'd say caring was overrated.
Give my gun away when it's loaded…
He'd say love was overrated.
Is that alright with you?
He'd kiss me and tell me he loved me.
If you don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it?
I would say I love him too.
Is that alright…is that alright?
I would mean it.
If I give my gun away when it's loaded?
He wouldn't.
Is that alright?
And my heart would break a little more.
Is that alright with you…