Elusive Innocence

Noir fanfiction by LeeT911

It is evening in Paris. The sun wanes slowly overhead, deepening the shadows to a ruddy orange. The streets are packed, especially at this hour. Late summer no less. I'm standing at the corner of a busy intersection, waiting for the light to change. The bag containing our dinner weighs heavily against my hand. I don't see why I had to go pick it up. The restaurant delivers.

Lazily, I scratch at the back of my neck, chasing away an errant insect. The bugs are out in full force this year. Or so you keep saying. I wouldn't know, I haven't spent many summers in France, but I'm inclined to trust you. Still, I find the creatures to be more of a nuisance than the needle-wielding maniacs you make them out to be.

The thought brings a small smile to my face. I remember, just yesterday, the look of pure disgust you wore as you gaped at the gigantic fly floating in the toilet. In fact, you were so consumed with being revolted, that you actually forgot to thank me for getting rid of the thing. Which, in retrospect, is probably better. After all, I hate to kill things I don't have to, even if they are just flies or spiders. I only do it because I know you can't stand leaving them around. You're such a girl. Even if sometimes you act like you're not.

This light is taking forever. I'm impatient to get home now. I want to get out of this sweltering heat and into the climate controlled bliss of our apartment. I want to see you again, even if it's barely been fifteen minutes. I want to touch your soft blonde hair and inhale the scent of your shampoo.

I glance up to find that the light has finally turned green and people are starting to push past me. Just as I step onto the street, two teenage girls on a single bicycle rush by, laughing as they roar ahead. One of them is sitting on the seat, her hands on the waist of the other, who is standing up and pedaling wildly. They're only a few years younger than I am, and I don't know what they're laughing about, but they seem so happy. And all of sudden, I wish we could have that. I wish we could have that same innocent joy, even if I know it will probably never be possible.

I'm reminded of that yellow scooter you used to have. I wonder what happened to it. I wonder what it would be like to ride that with you now. I think it'd be a lot of fun. My pace quickens.

Within minutes, I'm climbing the stairs to our apartment, the bag of food banging unceremoniously against my leg. Sweat is running off my forehead now, but I refuse to slow down. The key is hastily pulled from my pocket, and I open the door to be greeted by clean cool air.

The lights are out, leaving the apartment bathed in the soft glow of the setting sun. Slanting rays of red and orange highlight the furniture, revealing dust motes floating in the air. There is soft music playing, a quiet rhythmic tune, devoid of vocals, but filled with sounds of instruments I don't recognize. A classical piece perhaps? It's not the sort of thing you usually listen to.

The bathroom door is ajar, light flickering from the inside. The water isn't running, but I can hear small splashing sounds inside. Silently, I close the apartment door behind me and make my way to the kitchen. Candles are standing on the table, tall and white, but these aren't the ones giving off that scent your so fond of, the one that permeates the apartment right now. In fact, these candles on the table aren't even lit yet. I place the food on the table, not bothering to unwrap it. My feet follow my nose to the bathroom door. The scented candles are indeed in here. Gently, I push the door open.

You smile as I step lightly into the room. Even though your eyes are closed, you know it's me.

Cream-coloured candles are burning in the sink, the smell of herbs and citrus blending with that of your lilac-scented bath oil. Flickering light dances across walls, casting wavy shadows over the water in the bathtub. Your hands rise out of the water, brushing your long hair back as you open your eyes.

"Hi." You greet me as though it were perfectly normal for me to barge in on your bath.

I smile when I see you, when I look into the hidden depths of those perfect sapphire orbs that define who you are. Your eyes are telling me, that in the short time I was gone, you missed me as much as I did you. I don't know when I learned to read so much into a look, a simple gaze, but I can't imagine not being able to do it anymore. If your eyes ever lost that sparkle, if you ever closed that off to me, I think I would lose myself.

"Hi." The distance between us closes somehow, and I'm kneeling next to the tub when I return your greeting. "Dinner's waiting."

"That was fast."

"I... umm... ran home on the way back." I admit, knowing that this will only get me teased.

"Missed me already?"

I look away, thinking of nodding, but before I can decide, your hands are on me, under my arms, pulling me into the tub. I land in your lap with a great splash, spilling a good deal of the water. What's left though, soaks through my light clothes immediately, plastering them to my skin. I'm trying to thrash around, but your arms are around me, holding me tightly, and besides, I kind of like it here. I'm all too aware of your lips on my neck, your hands on my belly, your naked body pressing against my back.

"What was that for?" I ask indignantly when we've finally calmed enough to speak again.

"You looked like you needed a bath."

I can't argue that. I probably did look like I needed a bath. So instead, I just close my eyes and lean back against you. It's strangely erotic, sitting in the bathtub with my clothes on, being able to feel your naked body around me. Your hands are wandering, undressing me, and I don't mind that one bit either.

I love you, Mireille. I know we haven't come out to each other and said it like that, but that won't change how I feel. I've even convinced myself that I don't really need to hear it from you. I know we can't ever have that innocent love I crave sometimes. I know I remind you of something you can't ever have back. And I know that, sometimes, you're not sure you're doing the right thing, staying here with me, and that's holding you back. But I just want to make you happy again, I just want to kiss you again.

Maybe it's not innocence that I need. Maybe all I want is that carefree selfless abandon that you keep showing me. Maybe everything I need is already here with me, right now.

END