My name is Eric Cartman. I'm big boned and curvy, and I refuse to be ashamed of that fact. I am an example of what real men look like. Men who actually eat 3+ meals a day, and don't starve or throw up in the bathroom. Not unlike a certain Jinger Jersey Jew, who has been fat shaming me for years.

Well I'm going to get even with him on this once and for all! He always feels the need to call me fat insults, and I've recently realized why. It's because his perception is extremely warped. He doesn't realize that I'm the healthy looking one, and he is the one who looks like an emaciated twig. It's quite sad. The media has fed him this insane idea that you mustn't have a BMI over 35 to be healthy, and that food should be eaten in moderation to stay fit. That's bull crap! If you feel hungry, it means you need to eat. It's not good to deprive your stomach of what it craves.

For the next week, I'm going to be spying on Kyle's sickening anorexic habits, and keeping a personal journal of my observations.

Day 1

It's morning. We just arrived at school and the cafeteria is open for breakfast until the bell rings. I asked Kyle if he wants to come with me to get waffles or something, and he got very defensive. He insisted that he had already eaten. I'm positive that he's lying, and even if not, what's a few extra waffles? But he declines. Sad. This is what eating disorders do to people.

Later at lunch, I see him eating a chicken sandwich. It's not very big. He could be eating two, but he's just eating one. How depressing. His plate also contains peaches and green beans, a common low calorie choice for anorexics. And what's that he's drinking? Low fat milk. Why not whole fat milk? It's heartbreaking to see. After lunch he will probably go to the bathroom and vomit, I'm sure.

I follow him after lunch but he doesn't enter the bathroom, he just goes to his next class. Hmm. He might be waiting until he goes home to throw up privately. If only people knew that his tight stomach and perky nipples were the result of such dangerous and self destructive habits.

Day 2

I brought a candy bar with me to school. A Three Musketeers bar, which I know is one of Kyle's favorites. Before class starts, I offer it to Kyle. He looks at me suspiciously.

"Here, take it Jew!" I yell. "Go ahead, eat it!"

"What'd you do to it?" he asks.

"Nothing! I'm just being a nice friend, OK? I had an extra one and thought you would like it," I reply defensively.

"Oho, I'm not falling for this again. I bet you wiped your ass on it or something," he sneers, and walks away.

God dammit. Well, his mistrust is obviously just an excuse to avoid putting any extra calories into his dangerously slim stomach. He clearly needs professional help.

Day 3

This is it. I now have undeniable evidence that Kyle is bulimic. I saw a toothbrush in his locker. Who would bring a toothbrush to school? He must be using it to make himself throw up in the toilets when nobody is watching. I decided as a caring friend to confront him about it. I walk up to him while he's at his locker.

"Oh hey Kyle, so what are you planning to use that toothbrush for?" I ask. I gotta approach this carefully, since he probably doesn't want anyone to know about his secret.

"I brush my teeth with it sometimes. What else would I use it for?" He rolls his eyes.

Yeah, I knew he wouldn't admit the truth so easily. "Do you ever, like, maybe accidentally, stick it too far in the back of your throat while brushing your teeth? And then like, accidentally gag and barf? Into a toilet? By any chance?" I try to hint at the truth.

But he just stares at me oddly. "No, I never do that."

"You sure, Kyle? You know you can tell me the truth, I won't tell anyone else," I whisper, trying my best to sound sympathetic. Although, it's difficult to play nice towards a skinny bitch asshole who thinks he's the shit, and acts like he's so hot and stuff, with his stupid perfect Abercrombie body and his underwear magazine covers. Ugh, it almost makes me want to throw up.

He eyes me suspiciously. "I'm sure. What are you trying to get at?"

Well, I knew that coaxing the truth out of him wouldn't be easy. "Oh nothing. Nothing at all. Welp, gotta get go class, seeya Kyle!" I say before waving and walking away. He gives me a weird look. I think he knows that I'm onto him and his little secret.