The Oprah Project
Written and Presented by AthenaPersephone14, enigma77, BlueJude, and Kaitlyn.
Billy: Voiced by our teacher
Oprah: enigma77
Ralph: BlueJude
Roger: AthenaPersephone14
Dr. Phil: Kaitlyn
We do not own Lord of the Flies or anything mentioned in it. Oprah and Dr. Phil are real people and we certainly do not own them.
Billy (announcer): And now we bring you Castaway with Oprah Winfrey our egotistical, spanx-wearing talk show host to whom you can bleed your heart out for entertainment. (This is called Oprahfication.) Our guests today are Ralph and Roger, two of the boys who were stranded on an island in the Caribbean. Also with us is world renowned psychologist Dr. Phil McGraw.
Oprah:Thanks, Billy. So, as everybody knows, as they should because the chronicle of your story-Lord of the Flies-is part of my book club, you were stranded on an island for three months. How did you get there?
Ralph: Well, we're kind of unsure, but we think something went wrong with the engine. And then it crashed.
Roger: According to Jack Philosophy, you messed with the engine and caused the plane to crash onto the island because you wanted to control us!
Ralph: Liar liar plants for hire!
Roger: (pokes finger at Ralph.) To bad I don't have any plant! The mental hospital doesn't allow me to care for any living thing.
Everyone backs away a little from Roger.
Oprah: Settle down we don't want another Tom Cruise incident! (rubs shoulders/shudders.)
Dr. Phil: And how do you feel about that, Oprah?
Oprah: Oh stuff it, Phil!
Dr. Phil looks at ground in shame.
Oprah: So now that we have this unpleasantness out of the way, Ralph and Roger, how did you feel when you realized you were all alone on the island?
Ralph: Well, I kinda just wanted to go home. But-
Roger: Jack was so excited! We assembled all the Choir Boys together and Jack led us in a song of praise. Would you like to here how it goes? WE THANK-
Oprah: I SAID NO TOM CRUISE!
Silence.
Ralph: Anyway, it was pretty scary. I mean how would you feel if you were trapped all alone on an island with only bloodthirsty pig hunters?
Roger: Bloodthirsty pig hunters! You mean courageous, bold, cunning Jackians!
Ralph: Oh, puh-leeze! What is this pish posh I'm hearing!
Roger: The truth!
Dr. Phil: Will set you free!
Oprah: Shut up, Phil! Now, what did you do to occupy your time? Talking, games, killing pigs?
Roger: The latter! The latter!
Ralph: Well, we had this signal fire we tried to keep up. And I was busy with the whole leader thing…
Oprah: Leader? So you had a political system? Tell me, how did it work?
Ralph: Basically-
Roger: Don't even try to take credit, Ralph! Jack was the REAL leader! Under your dictatorship, all of the Jackians were abused! You're a no-good, thieving tyrant!
Ralph: Tyrant! I was the one who-
Oprah: The yelling? Not again!
Dr. Phil: Stop yelling all of you! You're acting like a bunch of savages! Sits back in chair/smoothes suit. A few months ago, I had the privilege to talk to one of the other boys who was the island. He said-
Roger: Was is Maurice? Was he the squealer? I bet he was! He always was a slimy, little-
Dr. Phil: No it wasn't! I'm not permitted to say who it was.
Oprah: Oh but Phil, everything you say here is kept confidential. Winks at audience. We never, say, release it onto national television.
Dr. Phil: I am a psychologist and under the-
Ralph: Was it Sam'n'Eric?
Dr. Phil: Squirms uncomfortably in chair while looking at the ground. Sam'n'Eric? Why…uh…no. It wasn't them.
Oprah: Yeah and we all know Santa Clause is real too. Just go on with your story, old man.
Dr. Phil: As I was saying before: I met with some castaways-WHO WERE NOT SAM'N'ERIC-and they told me that on the first day they were there, Ralph found a conch shell and blew it like a horn, thus calling all the boys together. They then held an election in which he was elected leader. He then gave people specific job. For example, he delegated the task of finding out how many boys there were and what their names were to Piggy. And he also-
Roger: Put the Choir Boys in charge of hunting pigs!
Dr. Phil: Yes, there was that. But-
Roger: We were the best hunter you ever did see! No pig could ever escape the clutches of Ja-
Dr. Phil: Enough with the pigs! We understand that you are infatuated with them, but please be infatuated at a different time!
Oprah: I want some pork.
Ralph: This was why I was leader! All Jack wanted to do was hunt! He didn't care about being rescued. All that mattered was the thrill of the chase. He's exactly like that guy from that one story. What was it called again? 'The Most Deadly…?' No, 'The Most Dastardly…?'
Dr. Phil: Do you mean Zaroff from 'The Most Dangerous Game'?
Ralph: Yeah!
Oprah: Another story in my book club.
Roger: Are you saying Jack liked to beat people with sticks?
Ralph: No. You're thinking of Richard Wright from 'Black Boy.' We're talking about Zaroff from 'The Most Dangerous Game.' You know the one where that guy gets-
Roger: Oh yeah. That is a pretty accurate description of him.
Ralph: See? Even Roger agrees with me! Jack was a terrible leader!
Roger: Yeah! Wait, what?
Ralph: I put Jack in charge of the signal fire and he couldn't even keep it lit!
Oprah: Gasp! Not the signal fire!
Dr. Phil: That's nothing compared to what happened with Simon.
Oprah: And what happened with Simon?
Ralph: You don't wanna know.
Roger: My psychologist says not to talk about.
Dr. Phil: You idiot! I'm your psychologist and I'm telling you to talk about it!
Oprah: Is SOMEONE going to tell us what happened?
Roger: CAME RUNNING...THOUGHT HE WAS THE BEAST...JUMPED...STABBED...FELL OFF CLIFF..
All stare at Roger.
Ralph: I think what Roger is trying to say is that-
Roger: WE KILLED HIM! WE KILLED SIMON! We didn't mean to! It just kinda happened! We killed Simon. Oh gosh we killed Simon…
Oprah: I think this would be a good time for a commercial break. Plus, I have to go get some pork and adjust my Spanx.
Dr. Phil: And I have to consult my Psychologist 101 handbook.
5 min later. (If you are performing this, I suggest you make a sign that says '5 Minutes Later' on it to hold up at this point.)
Oprah: Welcome back everyone! In case you just turned on your TV, let me fill you in on today's happenings. With us, we have Ralph and Roger-two of the castaways that were that the basis for Lord of the Flies-and world renowned psychologist, Dr. Phil McGraw. So far, we've learned about the boys' horrific crash on the desert isle and how their hierarchy was set up. We also-shockingly-learned that pigs weren't the only things killed on the island! A young boy named Simon was brutally murdered by everyone! What caused upstanding English schoolboys to commit this heinous crime? Dr. Phil, can you tell us?
Dr. Phil: Of course I can Oprah; What do you take me for? One of those people on TV who other people tell their problems to? Please!
Oprah: Do you have a theory or not? Cause if you don't-
Dr. Phil: I do! I do! Basically, all of the boys fright manifested into a 'Beast.' Everyone thought they had seen it. Well a while later, Simon was in the woods when he witnessed one of Jack's rather brutal pig hunts. Something in his brain snapped and he ran to the top of the mountain where he saw a fighter pilot who had failed to open his parachute and crashed. He of course thought it was the beast and ran screaming into the middle of Jack's feast. Because it was dark, the boys mistook Simon for the beast and slew him.
Oprah: I can see that happening.
Ralph: I wish I hadn't seen it.
Oprah: Dr. Phil, you said, the 'Beast' was the boys' fear. Can you elaborate?
Dr. Phil: Sure. Being alone on that island with no authority subconsciously scared the boys. They weren't ready to live on their own. Some were only six years old and still afraid of the dark! Of course, they tried to squelch these fears and act like nothing was wrong, but it didn't work. Their fear just manifested itself into the beast. They each saw what they were most afraid of. And coupled with the fact they've been isolated from civilization and are out of touch with reality? Well that's a recipe for one frightening beast.
Oprah: So they each had a personal beast, but at the same time they were all one and the same?
Dr. Phil: Pretty much.
Oprah: Wow. And I thought my nightmares about Tom Cruise were complex.
Roger: Uh…okay.
Oprah: So, did this 'Beast' somehow lead to the splitting up of the group?
Roger: Definitely! All Ralph was focusing on was getting rescued. Other things are important as well.
Ralph: Yeah, but will they stay as important if we're not rescued? Jack didn't think so; He broke away so he could focus on the Beast. But even that wasn't enough for him.
Oprah and Dr. Phil lean in towards Ralph.
Oprah: What do you mean, Ralph?
Ralph: You see, Jack didn't think it was enough just to break away; he had to take away our chance of rescue. Shortly after he broke away, Jack led a group of boys and stormed our camp. At first I thought he was after the conch, but it turned out he wanted Piggy's specs.
Oprah: And what's important about Piggy's…ah…specs?
Ralph: Sighs. Fire, Oprah, fire. When the sunlight hits the specs just right, it can light things on fire. And the signal fire is the only way a ship or plane would notice us!
Dr. Phil: Ralph, Ralph. There's no need to get so worked-
Ralph: Yes there is! Piggy died because of what they did! They stole his specs and he went to go to Jack to try to get them back! And what do they do? They hit him with a rock and knock him into the ocean where his split open! They killed him! THEY KILLED HIM! And over some specs! He wasn't even a teenager…
There is silence for a few seconds.
Oprah: Shortly after, you were rescued, right?
Roger: Yeah.
Oprah: So what are you doing now and what's in your future?
Dr. Phil: Well, I'm thinking about-
Oprah: I'm not talking to you, you old fart!
Ralph: Right now, I'm living at my family's country house. I have lessons with my tutor, I read, I do most of what I used to do before…except hunt. I don't hunt anymore. Oh, and I don't eat pig anymore either.
Roger: Sarcastically. Yeah, that's real great. Anyway, during all my free time at the mental hospital, I've been doing a lot of thinking and I think I'm going to write a book. A book about what really happened on the island. I think I'll call it 'Survival: The Roger and Jack Story.'
Ralph: You have GOT to be kidding me! 'The Roger and Jack Story'! More like 'How I Survived Being Hunted By Sadistic Spawns of Satan Himself!'
Roger: You're just jealous that I have a book deal and you don't! Sticks tongue out at Ralph.
Ralph: You have a book deal?
Roger: Yep!
Ralph: But who would want to publish your book?
Oprah: I do! It's going to part of my book club and everyone who was here today will receive a free copy of 'Survival: The Roger and Jack Story' when it's published! Be sure to tune in tomorrow when when we bring in Man and Boy to tell us all about thier post-apocolyptic adventure! Until then, this is Oprah, signing off.