Downhearted
Summary: When Kakashi stops into the academy late one night with a white scroll marked only with his surname, Iruka feels his heart sink with realization. The man he treasures is being deployed to the frontlines, and he doesn't even know that he's loved.
A/N: I'm not sure If I want to make this a multi-chapter story or not, 'tis my first attempt at yaoi, so I'm a little wary. I'd appreciate it if you'd let me know what you think, and if you think I should continue it or not. If I do continue, title is subject to change (because I just didn't know what to call this, really.)
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"See the panic in my eyes, kiss me only when I cry…" – Bittersweet by Ellie Goulding
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"So… you leave tonight?" Iruka asked quietly, the ungraded tests in his hands forgotten- his attentions now focused on the man standing before his desk, donning mostly black with but a white vest and a red scarf that touched the floor to color the outfit. The white scroll in his hand marked with a bold, black Hatakealmost hurt to look at.
A War Order.
Relations with neighboring villages had become strained, and in the case of Iwa, war had been declared. It was only a matter of time before the others started as well, either taking the Leaf's side, or their enemies'. The most expendable of Shinobi were being sent to the front lines now; ANBU was leading the formation, ex-members included and along side them, newly graduated Chunin and Jounin with barely any experience in real battles.
Kakashi was being deployed, and Iruka could feel his stomach twisting at the thought.
Kakashi cleared his throat, "Yes. I'm not sure where or how long. The operation is need-to-know." Downcast blue and red eyes lifted to meet brown ones. "Both Sakura and Sai will be leaving with me, Tenzou will follow with the next platoon."
Iruka frowned and set the papers down, covering his face with his hands. "I wish I was going, to help. I feel useless here."
It was true. They'd requested he stay behind, and keep the children in check. That was hard though, when they watched friends and family leave and not come back. They were scared and couldn't focus- test scores were dropping rapidly.
He wanted to leave, to help and stand by his comrades on the battlefield. He was a Jounin for Kami's sake and he was useless. His friends were dying left and right while he sat in the comfort of the village, babysitting students. While his job was important, standing by his friends seemed more so.
"Don't say that. Someone needs to instill proper knowledge in the children. Someone needs to show them that being a Shinobi does not always mean dying in a war caused by the ill judgment of a government bureaucrat." Kakashi told him softly, though with a light conviction to his voice. "I don't mind going, but I don't want to die."
Iruka could feel his eyes watering at Kakashi's words, at his admission. He didn't want him to die either, but with the way things were right now… He closed his eyes tightly.
"Don't cry…" Kakashi warned, stepping closer to the desk, "Don't cry for us. It's our duty to protect the village and it's people, and we'll happily do so."
"I'm not crying for them, I'm crying for you, Kakashi." Iruka whispered, looking back up at the Copy Ninja with tear filled eyes. He could feel his throat tightening before the first sob. He slumped against his desk, covering his face once again with his hands.
He didn't want him to go. The thought made his heart ache made it jump and lurch into his throat; it wanted to spill everything it felt out into the air, it wanted to make the words come out that the tongue was too afraid to say.
Kakashi dropped his head momentarily, before rounding the desk and crouching next to Iruka's chair. He tentatively put his hand on his shoulder, and squeezed it lightly. "Iruka…"
He shook his head before turning to meet Kakashi's gaze, "I'm sorry." He wiped his cheeks with his sleeve and straightened, sitting up more like he had been. He tried stifling his cries, but did so poorly. "I'm sorry, Shinobi don't let emotions get in the way."
"It means a lot to know you care."
Iruka scoffed, "Care? If only you knew, Kakashi."
"Then enlighten me, but I've not much time left."
He could feel his lip tremble, but mustered enough resolve to whisper, "I think I…Kakashi…" he closed his eyes, and hung his head. The words were caught in his throat. His chin pressed lightly against his chest as he and Kakashi sat in silence. I love you, Kakashi.
Cautiously, Kakashi reached out, his fingers brushing Iruka's chin, lifting it so their faces were level. "Look at me."
Iruka opened his eyes, staring into the enigmatic depths of Kakashi's mismatched eyes. Slowly, Kakashi leaned forward, his other hand slipping his mask down before slanting his lips against Iruka's in a soft, sensuous kiss. Either of his hands held his face as he closed his eyes, pressing his lips to his again.
Iruka's heart fluttered, pounding against his ribs hard enough that he was sure Kakashi could hear it. If he could, Kakashi gave no sign- he just continued to kiss him, making his insides melt. Meeting each feather-light touch with his own, he prayed this moment never ended.
Then Kakashi pulled away, pulling his mask back up into its place. Iruka could feel his pounding heart sink into his stomach. Kakashi had to leave. He opened his mouth to say something but closed when he realized his words would be "don't go".
"I'll see you when we get back." Kakashi told him, standing up. He nodded to him before disappearing in a billowing cloud of smoke.
Iruka touched his fingers to his lips, whispering a near silent. "Good luck."
He looked down at the papers scattered about his desk, but turned away with a pained expression. Why couldn't I just get the words out? Kakashi, I love you!
"Because I'm a coward." He muttered.
What did that kiss mean? Was he loved in return? Did Kakashi know what he was trying to say, or was it battle lust?
"Too late to find out, Coward, he's going to war and doesn't even know he's loved." Iruka scolded, tears rolling down his cheeks. He leaned forward against the desk and cried, holding his head in his hands.
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