The State of Affairs
Chapter 1: Laughter is a Hell of a Drug

I rolled my eyes as our leader looked over us all in that stoic way of his. It was the first time in a few years that we, the entire Akatsuki, had gathered together in one place. It was fitting we were in the Village Hidden in the Rain, as our leader apparently ruled over the entire populace as their so-called one true god. Notice my skepticism. If he truly were a "God", and not merely a "god", he wouldn't need us at all. But I digress.

"Due to certain grievances filed by almost every single one of you, I apologize to Kisame and Itachi, I am going to be changing up teammates."

He glanced over to his S-ranked assistant, Konan. She was quite the beauty, something I would only reveal under threat of death. Because while the origami flower resting in her blue hair was as striking as her lifeless auburn eyes, if word ever got out we mere peons were talking about her in such a way we would become dead men walking. Probably. Maybe she would smile for once if someone gave her a compliment once in a while.

Part of her cloak parted and promptly flew into his hand. I forgot to mention that she had the complete control of paper. I still shudder when I think of the first time I met her. First there was nothing. Then there was paper. Everywhere. Then there was Konan.

"…you will be partnered with Hidan for our more extravagant missions." Deidara loudly let out his patented yeah before he was quickly silenced by a cold gaze from our leader. "Kisame, you will be partnered with Kakuzu. Orochimaru, you will be partnered with Sasori once again. It'll be interesting to have you back after your… Sabbatical by the way. Itachi, you will be with Inobu. Zetsu will remain with himself. Konan and I will also remain together. Konan or Zetsu will alert you with your new targets in time. For now, do what you like. Dismissed."

Pein poofed away, and Konan followed immediately after in a stream of paper. Everyone visibly relaxed. Even S-ranked shinobi like us knew when we were utterly outclassed. Separately at least.

"Hey Deidara I bet I can please Jashin-sama more than you can create your so called art before we get our assignments." Hidan, unsurprisingly, already was getting his new partner riled up. While Kakuzu's ancient self could handle it…

"Oh yeah? Well we'll see about that. Newsflash, idiot, I can fly. See ya when I see ya, yeah."

Amidst the frothy yelling and screaming of Hidan, Deidara created an owl and promptly flew away. Hidan bounded after him once he realized Deidara was out of earshot. Everyone, after shaking their heads at the predictability of it all, starting milling about into their new groups. I decided to listen in on a few conversations before going to Itachi, who had disappeared after quickly talking to Kisame, probably into his room.

"Ssasori, I have much to tell you. Good newsss," Orochimaru said.

"As much as I would love to listen to the latest little boy that you've deflowered, which I would not like in the slightest actually, I have places to be, things to do, and people to turn into art. You know how to reach me." And just like that, Sasori walked away. Orochimaru, with a frown turned away. He caught my eye, gave me a weird smile where he licked his lips, and walked away. Can I say ew? Or would that be too feminine? Damn weird Sannin.

Next conversation: "You know, I really enjoyed partnering up with Itachi. Why'd you have to make such a fuss about Hidan?" Kisame, obviously disgruntled, almost whined to Kakuzu.

"You should know, Kisame, better than anyone, my values. Money and efficiency. While you do take pleasure in battle, which I did in my youth as well, you are the third best choice in terms of compatibility with me. The other two are now partners. I trust that regardless of your preferences you will take my values into consideration during our time together. I won't ask for much."

Kakuzu was so no nonsense to the point that his elderly self was no fun to pester. Unlike Itachi. I could understand where Kisame was coming from, but to think that Kakuzu thought so highly of me (that's the way I'm putting it I don't care) was a little comforting. At least I hope it was Itachi and I he was referring to, not Sasori and Orochimaru. On second thought... damn.

Satisfied with my snooping for the time being, I decided to search out Itachi. We weren't exactly allowed to be in the Hidden Rain Village, so we had this sprawling underground bunker to stay in. There were training rooms in each cardinal direction at the end of the halls, a single entrance that went straight up smack in the middle of the complex, and along the walls were modest rooms big enough to fit everything an S-ranked missing-nin needed. There was also a full bathroom attached to each room. It was very thoughtful. We all had a room along the sides of the hallways leading to each training ground.

The training grounds were quite interesting. I figured it we were assigned rooms that were in a corridor that corresponded to whomever we would share volatility of techniques with. Each training ground was open to everyone, but their operation was quite interesting. Not only did we have to keep the training ground along our corridor in order but if we wanted specific things we would have to request them. There was an unspoken lock your ground before you lay down rule, otherwise you would walk in one day to an utterly destroyed training ground, just because each of us could. Don't ever say us S-ranked missing-nin didn't know how to have a good time.

Itachi happened to be in his room. But of course, he wasn't alone. I make it a point not to knock when I enter a room. Or alert my presence in any way. Truth be told, I purposefully open and close the door with as little noise as possible every time I enter a room. It was a habit I grew up with. So imagine my surprise when I turn around after closing the door to see a cloakless Konan and a similarly dressed Itachi. Another fact about S-ranked missing-nin: we fake it until we make it.

Looking straight ahead, using every ounce of chakra to keep myself from laughing, I began speaking, "Hey Itachi. Didn't realize you were busy. Well, I was going to get some training in and, since were partners now, I was wondering if you wanted to train together or even just talk to each other. I'll be in our North grounds. Just swing by whenever I'll be there all night." How I managed to say all that with both a straight face and no mocking tone, I have no idea. But I had to say something. I turned around and opened the door, closing it just after I uttered, "By the way, I wholeheartedly approve in a broken hearted kind of way. My lips are sealed."

The door clicked shut just as a barrage of paper and several shuriken lodged themselves into the door. Chuckling to myself, I headed to the training ground to do some meditating before Itachi arrived.

IiliIiliIiliIiliIiliIiliIiliI

It wasn't often that I got time to myself to just think. There was good reason for that too. My mind instantly would not only go over everything I did wrong in my life to arrive at this point, but would flit back to my childhood and my early shinobi years. At 19 years old I should be starting a family, not living underneath a bunker in the freaking Hidden Rain Village.

Of all the villages to be in, besides Iwa and Suna this had to be the worst. All my life I absolutely abhorred rain. There wasn't any traumatic event that caused my disdain for the tears of Kami or anything, I just don't like constant annoyances and rain is the biggest of them all. From the moment I hit chunnin I turned down every possible mission that had more than a 25% chance of encountering rain. I only got rained on during two missions, both of which ended in a convincing victory for my team, due to the fact that I killed every foreign shinobi we came across out of pettiness. After the second mission I was never offered missions with the possibility of rain again. It was kind of ironic that my chakra was water natured. I forced myself to develop a lightning affinity not only for combination jutsu but because it allowed me to be more destructive in the rain. To turn the one thing I absolutely despised into a weapon of wide spread destruction.

Did I mention my two monikers in the Bingo book? In clear conditions I was known as the Silent Rampage. When the rain picked up, I transformed into the Storm Bringer. While the former I take pride in, I can't stand the latter. It's not that I don't enjoy the occasional slaughter of a bandit camp, but being known for my prowess in the rain is completely antithetical to who I am as a person. Again, I despise rain. It's also a stupid name because I have never once created rain, I only imbue the already falling rain with lightning chakra. The Elemental Nations needs to get their shit together.

I was jarred out of my thoughts by the entrance of the Uchiha. He locked the door behind him. I gave him a sly smile as I stood up.

"Getting with leader-sama's assistant eh? Never would I have guessed-" I was cut off as I abruptly had to dispel whatever genjutsu he placed me under, 'Kai!' I flipped backwards onto a rock, "that you of all people-" A quick jab from the Uchiha was ducked under, I kicked my legs out in an attempt to trip him while he simply jumped to another plateau, "would be engaging-" Kunai were being flung at me. Itachi is so mad, "in coitus with Konan!" Upon finishing my sentence I collapsed to the ground in a fit of laughter. Tears were falling down my eyes. "Dude I swear you should have seen the look on your face when I walked in! I wish I could have seen her's too!"

He frowned and tossed some more kunai at me, aiming for my head this time. I abruptly stopped laughing and caught them all through the ring in my index finger. Dropping them in my own kunai pouch, I stood up.

"Now now Itachi-senpai, you shouldn't throw kunai at your cute little kohai's head! That could have done some damage!" I burst out laughing again for a second, only to burst into tears of sadness almost as abruptly. "Senpai how could you steal Konan-chan from me! I was checking her out wayyy before you!" To complete the theatrics I rolled into fetal position, "First Hayate-senpai took Yugao-chan, that cutie, then Asuma-senpai somehow wooed Kurenai-chan, and now you, senpai, have stolen Konan! You are all so mean to your kohai!"

By this time Itachi, who had entered the North fully ready to fight me to the brink of death, was sighing and shaking his head, "Inobu, could you please just stop just this once? One, I don't want anybody hearing about this and you are literally screaming it to the world, and two, since when was I your senpai? We went to the same classes, were on the same genin team, you never joined ANBU, why I don't know, and you were even a missing-nin before me. Which, by the way, I still don't know why even though you somehow know why I am one. Which, again, I don't know why you know."

I decided to ignore him, because quite frankly I didn't want to answer any of these questions. Eventually I'd tell him. I sure as hell didn't dream of one day defecting from Konoha and joining a terrorist organization bent on some insanely powerful wack job's view of world peace as a kid. I smiled at him and held out my hand, gesturing for a handshake, "Hi there! The name's Inobu Yamanaka, but my friends call me Nobu! Except my imouto, she calls me Bu-nii. It's absolutely adorable. I really like women! All kinds, except the fat ones unless they are from the Akimichi clan. Which they all are so, yeah, all kinds I guess! And also Icha Icha. I dislike rain. My only notable hobby is complaining, though I enjoy the occasional whine, grumble, and protest from time to time. My dream is to lose my virginity!"

Itachi sweat dropped as I finished. Instead of shaking my hand he just jumped down to the entrance, unlocked the door, and walked out. I stood there with my hand out and the smile on my face for several moments before taking a deep breath and assuming an expressionless state. All extra eyes had left the room, and we had put on enough of a display to confuse anyone suspicious of us. Still, the fact that we were working together showed that maybe we weren't as sneaky as we thought. Only time would tell. I clenched my fists until my palms bled, then, back to my normal self, I followed Itachi out, locking the door behind myself.

''Soon Itachi, all those that have wronged us will pay. I didn't sign up for this for nothing after all. Your brother, my sister, the entirety of leaf. They will all be safe. That I promise.'

AN: Hey guys! Thanks for reading the first chapter of The State of Affairs. I am a first time writer, so any sort of feedback, good or bad, brutal or assuring, will be welcome in any review or PM. Please try to put flames in a constructive way by pointing out exactly what you didn't like and why!

One thing I want to say is that I've been developing the character of Inobu Yamanaka over the past month or so. I first wanted to use him as a self insert along the same kind of lines as Silver Queen's "Dreaming of Sunshine" character Shikako Nara (excellent fic by the way), but I ended up deciding I'm going to let the character stand on his own for now. I have a pretty detailed back story for him floating around in my mind that I will someday write down, both a self insert twin and a standalone elder brother, and it may surface as a side story/prequel to this. But it's really all dependent on if people will read it!

Again, thanks so much and I really appreciate the smallest thing, because to be honest even just the view is awesome!