Santana lies motionless in bed. If you couldn't see that her eyes were open, you'd think she was sleeping soundly.
It's 1:32 AM and her wall clock is ticking away.
The night is a canopy of openness and safety. When in the light of day, Santana would have immediately dismissed certain thoughts. But under the blanket of darkness, she allows them to seek shelter in her mind.
There's no one else here but me anyway. No one else to hear, no one else to judge, no one else to get hurt.
She thinks of her lover.
Brittany – amazing dancer, bubbly, cute, kind of funny. I'm happy when I'm with her. She's the first person I've ever felt this way about. Sometimes, when she kisses me or when she does something endearing, my stomach does flips.
She loves me. I've put her through seven shades of shit but she's still here. I love having her around. I love knowing that she's always here for me when I need her. And man, would I do the same.
I love her too, I really do.
That's why I'm fucking confused. I mean, is it normal to sometimes be a little suffocated by us being joined at the hip? We're best friends; it's what you'd expect, but sometimes, I kind of just want to go out and get myself out there a little bit. It's like I'm limiting my entire world to Brittany. I don't want that for myself. But she needs someone and I don't really know what to do.
Except I'm not sure if that's my real problem. If she asked me, "Why do you love me?" I honestly wouldn't know what to say. Because I don't know if it's just the familiarity of it all. I don't know if it's just because we know each other so well and we've accepted that we're going to be a part of each other's lives. Is this some sort of indicator? What does it mean when I can't explain how I feel?
Why is it that with other people, I'd know the answer right away?
Okay, maybe that's a lie. Get real, Santana, it isn't other people. It's just… Quinn. I mean, what's not to like? Maybe I have a small crush on the person but that's normal, isn't it? You can be in love with someone and be crushing on other people… right? For one, Quinn's hella attractive. She has really nice eyes and her confidence is definitely appealing. But more than that, I like her self-awareness. She's been through more than a few struggles and because of that, she's learned a lot about herself and about other people. She's also really witty. This shows in our verbal sparring matches. Sure, she can be a bitch sometimes but I know her. She's usually just fronting. I bet she'll drop the whole HBIC persona when we get to college. I know that she's just doing it to get through this hellhole called high school. I'm pretty sure all she wants is to be herself – a beautiful, intelligent, independent woman, ready to take on the world.
God, I'm so fucked. Maybe it's more than a little crush but it's not like I'm doing anything about it so it can't be wrong, can it? I'm not a fucking cheater. Not anymore, at least. Not when I'm with someone who actually matters to me.
Shit. I mean, Brittany's… well, Brittany. And I fell in love with her despite her not being my dream girl. I chose her. I keep choosing her every day. But why does it feel like that choice isn't supposed to be final? How come sometimes, I find myself looking at "other people" and wishing I could be with them instead? Fuck, am I questioning my relationship with her? I don't want to hurt her. Seeing her in pain – especially because of me – will probably break my own heart.
Am I overthinking? This is getting fucking complicated. Do I talk to her about this?
She sighs and shifts her position. She thinks about something else.