Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or anything Glee-related.
All mistakes are mine.
You hear the sound of her laughter filter through the house to your ears. She is in her room on the phone speaking to her latest 'friend'. The sound brings a familiar tightness to your chest as it has done every other time in the past. That laughter used to be yours – a melody saved only for you. You can't remember the last time you were truly happy. It was probably when you could last call her yours.
You had a whirlwind romance – the kind you thought only existed in Hollywood and fairytales. Love at first sight soon became your purpose for everything. Every waking moment was spent together until you officially won her heart in return. Forever became your common goal, knowing that the joy you felt with one another would be yours to cherish forever. You had never loved like this. You had never had one to call your own. But she had. She had never been free. You remember clearly the first time you felt the pressure on your heart. Through her tears, she explained she had always been tied down and wanted to be able to live our forever without any regrets. She wanted to experience life on her own. You barely recall the old adage: 'something is truly yours only if it returns to you after you let it go.' You only want to see her happy. The angelic smile that lights up your world could never be denied. Begging her to stay was never an option. Sometimes you just find it hard to understand how she could walk away if she feels even a fraction of what you feel for her. Maybe there is such thing as too romantic. You still believe in love conquering all; having nothing but a cardboard box is perfectly fine as long as you are with the one you love. But she is the realist. She knows that life is not a fairytale. She plans ahead and thinks about all the factors, most importantly her child. You know a box isn't realistic. But you also know that you love her enough to be willing to try.
You remain roommates and best friends. Her daughter has become yours in every way that counts. Some days you think that if there were no Beth, you might have left long ago. Your heart knows better. It knows that excuse is your brain's rationalization for your heart. It knows the hole that would be created in her wake. It knows leaving is never on the table. So you wait in the shadows, hoping she'll realize that what you have is enough.
Even as she filters through several dates, she always tries to make sure you know that they mean nothing and that she knows forever lies with you. You cling desperately to that hope and it makes you both love her and hate her at the same time. You try not to let your fears and insecurities overwhelm you, especially your fear of her finding someone better. You were never popular and always socially inept. As your opposite, she attracts everyone she meets. She wants to believe in the good of people and naively tries to let them all in. You are always there to pick up the pieces when they walk away in their disappointment and ultimate rejection. No one ever lasts long. Behind closed doors, she still only calls you the one. You cannot believe that this goddess chose you. You are waiting for the other shoe to drop.
She still takes care of you, too. You know she is there if you every truly need or want for anything. You see her love and compassion when she interacts with her child, with you, and with others. It is one of the many reasons she so easily ran away with your heart. There has never been a more amazing person you have encountered. You wish one day you could be enough.
You tried seeing other people at her suggestion. It felt like cheating but it seemed to make her happy so you did it anyway. At your low point, you convinced yourself that she would be better off without you. You latched on to the first woman that bothered to show you any attention. You thought you could be happy settling for someone else. However, you still felt guilty even thinking about another so you lied and hid your new relationship from Quinn. The lies snowballed and you soon found yourself becoming someone you hate. You sunk so low as to spread lies about her to gain sympathy from those around you. It turned out that this new woman had manipulated you by cheating on her girlfriend with you and only told you the things she knew you were longing to hear. She abused your confidence and turned your vulnerabilities against you. You were completely blindsided. You had wrapped yourself up so tightly in that alternate reality that you even ignored the warnings of the one who cared for you the most. You had become a cheater and a liar and Judas. Although it took many pleas for forgiveness, she eventually forgave you for the lies. They are what hurt her the most. The trust was broken.
Through it all, you still pine away for this woman who stole your heart. You haven't looked at another since. You still listen when she comes home raving about someone new. You still cry yourself to sleep when she is gone all night. The ache is familiar and comforting now. It has been so long since you have felt joy that you are unsure of how to act anymore. Your heart still breaks when she questions your motives for speaking to anyone from the past. You still don't have her trust completely. You aren't sure you ever will. The seeds of doubt have already been planted. You've distanced yourself from the outside world and everyone you know because it is easier than seeing the skeptical looks of disbelief on her face. You are often lost in your own thoughts, imagining both the best and the worst. Now you feel guilty speaking to anyone other than her as you desperately attempt to regain her trust. A journal has become your confidant, a respite where you can vent your frustrations and find temporary solace. It becomes easier to just live to do her bidding. Care for her and her daughter to the best of your ability. You no longer mind that her previous basic requests become expectations. A 'would you mind getting me another drink?' becomes the sound of ice cubes rattling in an empty glass, shaken expectantly in a raised hand. You quietly stand and refill without question. You delude yourself into thinking this is one way to prove to your devotion and commitment - by giving yourself to her completely, if it is the only way she will have you.
The emotional and physical distance that separates you only becomes greater with each new experience. You become a hollow shell of the vibrant being you once were. Depression seeps its way into your soul, slowly stealing your hope and leaving you with nothing but a wisp of self-esteem. Most days you spend going through the motions, as if nothing you do really matters anyway. Your smiles never quite reach your eyes anymore. You live in your regrets and indecisions and silence.
You are there whenever she asks. You reluctantly stay in her bed when she is lonely; knowing very well that someone else may occupy it tomorrow. You pleasure her in the rare instance she asks because she knows you would never turn her down and because you secretly crave the intimate memories they create. You feel wanted again, if only for that singular moment. Although, as time passes, you notice you are less passionate and more robotic. You are there because you should be because you are still undeniably in love with her. You don't even feel adequate anymore as she becomes more experienced and explores her sexuality. You rise on a natural high when she tells you she doesn't want anyone but you. The crash is devastating when you hear her make plans with someone else less than a week later. Nothing has changed. You are a fool once again to believe it has. She is the only one who can break down the walls you've built so easily. Your hope lets her into your heart, only to leave you completely eviscerated when she is gone.
She tells you she can't wait for the day when the two of you can walk freely together, side by side forever and always. Yet in the same breath, she tells you aren't good enough when you state you are only waiting for her to let you back in. You had always known you weren't enough.
You gave up your dreams along the way. You have nothing to offer her now. She used to be proud of you. She used to boast about you to all you'd meet, even though you shied away at the unfamiliar attention. You wanted the praise and spotlight but never knew how modest you would feel once someone actually gave it to you.
You hardly even sing anymore. Broadway stardom is a thing of the past. You attempt a few classes here and there but spend the majority of your time wallowing. You know you won't win her back without making something of yourself, yet knowing this still isn't the motivation you need to make you try harder and push through the sadness. Instead, you do the bare minimum, passing the classes you need and spending the rest of your time losing yourself in books or movies to help you escape your unfortunate reality.
She seems happier now than she has been in quite some time. She has been dating more and venturing out longer. Her moods have always been contagious and you catch yourself enjoying those brief moments with her like nothing has changed. You find yourself conflicted; you want her happy but you want it with you. You put on your smiles and laugh at her jokes and go with her when she asks.
Your sometimes lover doesn't notice your inner turmoil. She doesn't see how her insults became daggers to your heart when they once rolled off your back in playful banter. She doesn't notice the unshed tears in your eyes when she consistently breaks your spirit. You don't want her to. You would rather her be blissful in her ignorance. You are already not enough so you will not allow weakness to be another reason for her to walk away. You will suffer your heartbreak in silence, praying for the day she will come back to you and heal all your pain.
You know you should move on. You can almost convince yourself that she is using you. You are her safety net – a security blanket that she knows will always be there, loving her unconditionally. You know her past and all the pain she endured as a child, being forced to grow up far sooner than any child should. You know of all the people that have let her down, used her, and walked out of her life, forcing her to start anew time and time again. You remember your promise to her that you would never become one of the monsters that still keep her thrashing in her sleep throughout the night.
You know why you stay. You've seen her heart and it is too kind to use someone so carelessly. You had a glimpse of heaven once and you cling to that memory to pull you through this isolated and lonely existence as you have no doubt that you belong with her. You would spend the rest of your life in misery holding on to the hope that you will once again be hers because she always has, always been, yours. You both cherish and dread any brief moment of happiness because they can erase a thousand moments of sadness. Those moments seem to come just when you feel yourself ready to let go completely, like the world knows your wavering heart and lets fate step in to keep you together. You know your time will come and when it does, you know that she will have no doubt and you will have no regret. You both will have made your mistakes, granted your forgiveness, and moved forward in each other's arms. All these feelings of sadness and longing and pain won't matter then. It will all be worth it in the end.
You are so caught up in your thoughts that you don't notice the laughter has stopped. In fact, you don't hear her at all. Suddenly, she is coming toward you with a look you haven't seen before. Her eyes are soft and questioning. Your breath catches in your throat when you see what she is carrying.
"Is this how you really feel?" she asks quietly as she holds up your journal.
"Yes," you reply simply. Your heart is beating strongly chest. You are afraid of her reaction to all those words you couldn't say.
"I had no idea you felt like this. Why.." she hesitates. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. "Why didn't you tell me you felt this way? I had no idea I was hurting you so much, Rachel. I…I wouldn't have done this to you."
"I lied to you and betrayed you. You have always been upfront with everything. You have never lied to me. I deserve to feel like this," you state and hang your head because this is what you truly believe.
"Rachel, look at me," she says and you pick up your head reluctantly. "No one deserves to feel this way. You mean more to me than I could have ever imagined. I spent so much of my life tied down, jumping from relationship to relationship, starting at a very young age. When I had Beth, I was so happy for her but always felt like something wasn't right when I was with her father. I stayed with him knowing I wanted to let go and find who I was. When I finally found the courage to leave, I met you. You came into my life so abruptly and stole my heart before I could even realize what was happening. I knew you were it for me. I knew you were the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with but I was afraid. I have never been on my own. I wanted to experience life! I wanted to date and party and enjoy the youth I never had the chance to. I wasn't ready for forever but I knew I couldn't let you go. I'm so sorry I took advantage of you and your feelings for me. Deep down, I know you would never leave. That was so wrong."
"I understood what you needed to do. I still do. I didn't want you to have any regrets when we finally got together. I would wait for you forever. You're worth it."
"No. I'm not. I admit that when you broke our trust, I wanted to make you hurt, too. You knew how hard it was for me open up to you completely and you went behind my back and lied to my face. I knew you would be upset if I saw those people. But you stopped reacting. I thought you didn't care about me anymore. So, I started going out more thinking I could get you to fight for me but you never did. I thought you stopped loving me. I had no idea I had pushed you into yourself and into a–a-a depression," she said, choking back a sob at the end. "I am so so sorry, Rachel. Please. Please forgive me. You are the only one that I want. No one makes me feel as happy and as loved as you do. I have been so wrapped up in myself that I didn't see that you were slipping away. Please tell me it is not too late."
Her words are almost intelligible at this point through her cries but you are positive you heard what you have been waiting so long to hear.
Yet your self-doubt has you asking, "Do you mean that?"
"Yes!" she exclaims with wide eyes. "God, yes! I just- I mean- I have been playing these stupid games, hoping you would want me again. Hoping you would just notice me. We barely even speak anymore. Had I any idea that I was only hurting you and destroying your spirit like that, I never- I'm so sorry. I don't know how I can ever make this up to you," she cries desperately.
You are certain you are going to pass out before you have a chance to respond. Your heart is swelling so much you know it will burst at any moment. Your eyes are welled with tears of your own as all the emotion and turmoil and love you have felt for so long begs for release.
She is looking at you expectantly, hoping you will say something to break the silence. You try to speak but can only sob as the dam finally breaks.
"Rachel," she whispers. You can see her arms move as she hesitates to comfort you. She looks down in defeat, taking your lack of response as your rejection.
You don't realize you have moved across the room until you feel her tears on your cheeks as your lips are pressed against hers. It only takes her a split second to realize what is happening and she is kissing you back just as fiercely. You are so caught up in her sudden unwavering passion that you momentarily forget all you have endured to reach this moment. Your heart is fragile and more forgiving than the situation should warrant. Your mind slowly catches up and you begin to question her seriousness.
"Mmmph…Wait. Wait," you struggle out as you pull away. "I can't do this," you say, shaking your head. "I can't fall into this pattern again. You pull me in only to push me away when something better comes along. I am not sure I can trust you with my heart anymore."
She stares at you a moment, seemingly collecting herself and her breath back from the intense moment you just shared. "Rachel. I know my actions to this point have been…questionable."
"Questionable?" you scoff as your eyes dart quickly and sharply to hers.
"Horrible. Okay. I have been beyond horrible to you. But I want to make it up to you. I want you to know how much I love you and would do anything to have you believe that again."
"Prove it," you state with a slight hardness in your eyes. "I have stayed because I convinced myself that you love me for me and not what I do for you or the comfort I provide. I believed that once you could trust me again, you would come to me when you were ready. I ignored them when my friends told me I should leave and take care of myself when they saw how broken I had become. I don't want them to be right. I want to show them that this wasn't all in vain. I need to know you aren't going to run away anymore. I've already let you too close this time. You are already so close that if you break my heart I know it will shatter irreparably. If I am what you want, what you truly want, Quinn, then I need you to convince me of that. Can you give me that much? I know we are both at fault here and have both made our fair share of mistakes."
"You are like breathing to me, Rachel," she pleads with wide eyes. "I will erase any doubt you have lingering in your heart. We are meant for each other. I will take this chance to remind you of why that is our truth."
You nod slowly in acceptance of her reply, gently wiping your silent tears and turn to walk away. You need some time alone for all of this to sink in.
You want to believe her more than you have ever wanted anything before but you know another lie would only destroy you. You owe it to yourself to guard your heart behind your mind's reservations. Time consistently passes too quickly and although you dread the idea of wasting another second apart, you know this will only make your bond stronger. The balance between you is so askew that only time and patience and amends can set it right.
For weeks now, she has been nothing less than what she said she would be. She makes you feel like a princess. You keep expecting for her to fan you with palm fronds and feed you peeled grapes. Your days are filled with the subtle changes she has made towards you and for you; they are what make you fall in love again and again. All the small things you thought she hadn't noticed about you are spelled out in her actions and gentle touches.
Her selflessness has returned tenfold. Everything for you is decided without regard for her own preferences. Your pizzas lack the mushrooms you can't stand, which happen to be her favorite. She holds your hand and kisses your cheek even though she has never been a fan of PDA. You're given first choice of movie, despite her knowing the high probability of another musical. The toothbrush you have been too lazy to replace is exchanged. But your absolute favorite change is the notes. Some days you'll find 'You're my everything' scribbled on the bathroom mirror. Or you'll discover an 'I miss you' slipped into your coat pocket. Sometimes there is an 'I love you' lipstick kiss on a sticky note hidden in your closed laptop. Every tiny action mends another crack in your heart.
Smiling has become your staple again and the world shines brighter with you. You can feel the positive energy of these changes surrounding the three of you. Beth is happier and it wasn't until now that you realized how your personal dynamic with Quinn had affected her. You've become tighter, working as a singular unit instead of taking advantage of one another. Your family is stronger and you are starting to believe.
This energy is your newfound motivation. You reenrolled in a couple more classes and meet with others for study sessions to get caught up. You are singing again and have even booked an audition after being heard at a karaoke bar with Quinn. You have been spending so much time together, getting to know one another all over again. Communication is no longer a barrier as you have both spend many nights baring your souls to one another. You discuss everything from new favorite foods to your deepest fears. You have learned more about each other in the last few weeks than you have during the entire span of your relationship. You are best friends again, wordlessly understanding the importance of reestablishing that foundation.
You still have arguments but none that reach the magnitude and viciousness to what you had become accustomed. Issues are resolved quickly with your new ability to communicate with one another. There is no longer the need for quick jabs of icy words riddled with bitterness and resentment. You see each dispute as more proof of her love for you as you feel her passion for you channeled this way.
You have struggled to maintain your distance, allowing nothing more than simple kisses to your cheek. You want to know definitively what you have is based on more than the physical connection that has always been smoldering between you. She has shown no signs of frustration, only smiling sweetly and even blushing on rare occasion. She looks at you like a girl with a crush yet treats you with the compassion and gentleness of a woman in love.
You bask in the showers of her adoration. She has been near perfect and you can feel your heart becoming whole. While you enjoy the attention, something feels off. You miss taking care of her. It had been your purpose for so long. You don't want the relationship balance to tip to the opposite side. You crave the semblance of equality that has never been present.
As she comes home from work with another stunning bouquet of flowers, you find your opportunity to speak up.
"Quinn, these are absolutely beautiful," you say as she wraps you up tightly in a hug.
"I walk past the flower shop everyday and it's difficult to not buy any when they remind me of you. You'll always be my little flower, Rach," she says with a quick wink.
"So cheesy," you chuckle and shake your head at the complement. "Always the flatterer." You reach up and place a soft kiss on her cheek. "You have been doing so much for me lately. It makes my head spin when I try to think about all the changes you've made to prove yourself to me. I can't thank you enough for taking care of my heart."
With your hand on her face, you both become momentarily lost in each other. She never ceases to take your breath away. Her hazel eyes hypnotize you time and time again.
Taking her hands, you speak softly, "I love that you have been trying so hard to make this work."
"I didn't have to try. I have actually found it quite simple to just love you. The rest comes easily."
You smile wider at her effortless phrasing before you respond. "I believe in us. I always have. While I love all that you have done for me, I would like to do for you, as well. I miss doting on you. I have always loved taking care of you. I just began to resent it before when it became expected. I want to refill your glass or make you my famous secret Berry Family pancakes or bring you lunch at work. I enjoy those things because I love you. I just need to feel like we do for each other, not serve one another. Does that make sense?"
"All my past relationships have been extremely dysfunctional and one sided. I never knew how good two people could be until I met you. Our dynamic has been off for a very long time. I basically indentured you and then overcompensated by barely letting you lift a finger for yourself. So, yes, I do understand what you are trying to say. We need to become symbiotic instead of encumbered in our relationship. I believe very strongly that this will be easy to accomplish now that we are on the same page," she says confidently. "I believe with every fiber of my being that we will be absolutely great together. There is no other match for me besides you. You are my everything." She smiles her beautiful smile once more.
You feel it again; the warmth that spreads to your soul. She has more than proved herself to you and you believe her every word. You then start to feel something else familiar. You recognize it as it courses through your body. You've repressed this for so long and you realize there is no holding this back any longer. The desire is burning like a fire that cannot be contained. Her quiet gasp lets you know she has noticed the change in you as her own lips part in response.
Within that fraction of a second, your lips crash again. Except this time you feel everything. Your entire body is vibrating with the electricity between you. You tilt your head to the side to deepen the kiss. You hear a moan escape your throat once her tongue touches yours. You pour all the passion you've repressed for so long into this one moment, hoping she can feel your forgiveness conveyed through your lips. As you feel her fingers tangle in your hair, you press your bodies closer, knowing she understands the weight behind all of this and all of your actions as she responds with equal intensity. You can feel your souls reconnect and know instinctively that this time you will never be apart again.
You pull away to catch your breath and it is gone just as quickly when you see the lust and love sparkle in her eyes. You rest your forehead against hers as she whispers, "I love you."
With a smile that spreads wide from your heart, you respond, "I love you, too, Quinn. Always and forever."
Here is the epic love in which you lost your faith. Your journey together has been one wrought with the highs and lows of bliss and pain, passion and separation. The connection you feel could never be as strong as it is now, having already overcome so many obstacles. Any suffering, in hindsight, is suddenly appreciated because you know that this path has been your destiny all along. You have no regrets, as any alternate course of action could have deterred you from the safety and salvation you find in her arms. You have always believed that there is one person out there for everyone and that dreams and fantasies can come true. What you have learned is that dreams are so much better coupled with reality. The balance created when fairytale love meets real life causes something much more powerful than you could ever have imagined. Love isn't perfect, but the force of love becomes greater through its imperfections. You are ready to ride off into the sunset, hands around the waist of the one that makes you whole, just as you have always dreamed. Only now, you are sure to pack a bag because the weather is unpredictable. Although storms may come, you know they aren't as frightening when you are with her. So, who knows? Maybe you'll even steal a kiss or two in the rain.
A/N: Thank you to those who reviewed the previous version of this story. I will try and refrain from writing and posting in the same sitting. Time really does do wonders.