"Someone is in my curtains," he said plainly.
And alas, in the curtains someone was standing!
He didn't bother to ask who it was; people came into his house unnoticed all the time. He liked to tell Sister they were his Paparazzi.
Knowing she had been detected, the drapes parted and out jumped the most beautiful girl anyone had ever seen.
"I am Seccom Masada," she said, as a rainbow glistened in the night sky of the open window behind her and her eyes googled seductively. "And I have come to sex you."
At first Smile fell to his knees completely enamored - she was the most beautiful girl and probably came from space, after all - but on second thought, he gained control of himself and said, "no."
"No," he was like.
Masada shed a single tear in surprise (a surprise tear). "No one has ever denied me before you," she said. "I do not even have tear ducts.
"Also I am a boy."
But to her astound...ment, Smile smiled benignly. "That was a theoretical denial. Of course we can have sex if you pass a simple test!"
Masada perked up at this, she was talented at everything (but she is NOT A MARY SUE GUIZ!), so winning over Smile would be easy.
"What kind of test? Math? History? One of courage or passion?" Whatever it was, she would be ready.
"Potato sack racing." I lied.
And that's how Masada found themself at the starting line dressed in an empty potato sack next to Madotsuki, similarly donned.
"Funny," was all he could think to say. One hundred and one competitors had shown up to this race, all of them trying to win over Smile. Some had their sacks decked out with decals, like flames and bunnies and Rasta colors. Madotsuki's had little kyukyus on it, which made Masada shudder.
Sabitsuki was there too, with a gun in hand to fire off the starting pulses raced! This was the big moment! A bead of sweat trickled its way down Masada's porcelain face, past his nose and to his chin, wetting the edge of his jaw with anticipation. His thoughts pounded in a single chant: "win this race, win this race."
Was he confident? Of course he was confident. He was good at everything, hadn't he recently been accepted to the Mary Sue National Society of Mary Sues? He assured himself aloud in this manner. But the racers didn't notice - their thoughts were on Smile and winning him like a trophy.
"I hear he's good in bed," whispered Madotsuki to another competitor with a hushed excitement.
Sabitsuki called out over them:
"On your marks!
"Get set!"
Bang! The shot went off.
Masada took his first leap...
and then he tripped and broke seven bones.
"Oh God, I'm so sorry," Sister sobbed over the edge of his hospital bed. "None of this had to happen." Smile, of course, was off fucking the winner of the race, so he had sent a sibling to act in his stead. She held up a looseleaf piece of paper and read hastily-written lines from it.
"If only I had appreciated you," she read. Masada decided she was not a convincing actress. IIt didn't matter anyway - Smile didn't come, and now they couldn't be together. She had failed the potato sack race.
Masada shed a single tear as the machine monitoring his heart made it's last tone.
And then there was silence.
(pretend bone breakage is fatal for Seccom Masadas)
EPILOGUE:
Here before him was the winner, but the more Smile stared, the less it all seemed plausible.
"How the hell do we do this?" he asked.
2kki Bartender shrugged.