Ten Mistakes

The first mistake I made happened when we were fifteen. We were stupid, young… in love. Or lust. Or whatever.

We left Home at night with the rest of our friends to watch the meteor showers. It was a yearly event. We'd spread out around the closest oasis, set up our tents, and eat around the fire. There'd be loud music, and dancing… and then the meteors would fall.

We were stupid. Rikku's brother had snuck some alcohol from the mess back at Home, and the two of us took all that we could get. It wasn't much, because he'd only gotten two bottles, and there were over twenty of us. But it was enough. We felt free, like rebels. We were young.

That's when the sky started burning. We curled up together on a blanket, and when Brother didn't come over to pull us apart, I knew we had his approval, which was a big step for him. For us. We didn't pay much attention to the sky. Her eyes were shining with the reflections, and that's all I needed to see. The firelight reflecting on her skin was just right. We were young.

She stayed in my tent, that night. And Brother didn't come to drag her back to her own. It was hot for a night in the desert, and we weren't enclosed in separate sleeping bags. We weren't entirely sober – but I don't think that would've mattered. We started tickling each other. We settled into the steady routine of kissing and touching. We didn't stop.

And that's how the first mistake happened. Because we were stupid, young, and in lust. Or love. Or whatever.

The second mistake happened when I was sixteen. She was still fifteen. I was stupid. We were young, and in love. And I thought I was making it easier. Or whatever.

I was there when the scouts brought in the survivors. There'd been an attack – I don't remember where. It was before the tragedy in Kilika. I'd already made the mistake at that point. The men were members of the Crusaders. They'd helped to save the villagers – they'd allowed our men to help instead of turning on them like they were Sinspawn. And that's what caught my attention.

I was sixteen.

The men weren't with us long. They needed healing, and our medicines were faster than the ones they had. One of them had gotten Sinspawn acid in the face, like I had when I was younger. I gave him one of my spare eye patches. He told me about fighting Sin. You only had to be sixteen.

I was sixteen.

We were young, and in love. And I wanted to keep her safe. I wanted to do something good.

Cid told her for me, because I left with the survivors. They were okay with the Al Bhed – they would take me where I needed to go. It was worse for her because Buddy and Brother left with me, too. Worse because she was suddenly alone.

Worse because I didn't say goodbye.

I was sixteen. I was stupid. I thought I was making it easier for her, or whatever.

We were young, and in love. I wanted to keep her safe.

But I didn't say goodbye, and that's how the second mistake happened.

The third mistake happened a few months later. I was running away from the worst experience of my life, from the guns and the dead bodies. From the terror, and the slaughter, and the lies…

I saw her. Cid, too, and Brother, Buddy. My friends… my Home. They were all there. I saw huge machinery and I knew what it was for. I knew Sin was on its way, and even that… even seeing her standing right in front of me with determination in her eyes… even that didn't stop me running.

She was right there, practically in arm's reach, and I didn't stop running. They weren't even following me into the line of fire, because they knew that we knew what was going to happen. They knew that we wouldn't run there unless we were idiots, and most of all, they knew that I wasn't an idiot. They weren't even following me. They were all there – the people I considered my family were all there. My friends were all there. She was there. And I couldn't stop running.

And that's how the third mistake happened.

The fourth mistake happened when I almost bled to death from the bullet. It wasn't my mistake, exactly, but at the same time it was. Because it was the second mistake all over again. I almost didn't get to say goodbye, and it was all I wanted to do. All I wanted was to see her again. So that's how the fourth mistake happened.

The fifth mistake was kind of similar. I'd been on the same airship as her for a little while. I'd watched her fight a giant worm, I'd worried more than her own father while she was locked up in the worst prison in the entire world, and now I was watching from the ground in the Calm Lands as tiny lights flashed in the distance. That one came from Lulu's hands… the brightest from Yuna… and the explosions – those were all Rikku. And all I could think about was how I'd had the chance, and I hadn't said it. Guardians only survived long enough to see their Summoner die. And I didn't take my last chance to say goodbye. The sky exploded. And I never said goodbye.

The sixth mistake was when I took the job in Djose because I was too chicken to face up to her after everything that had happened. When I saw her on opening day and I didn't say hello, even though her eyes were burning like they were the night of the first mistake.

The seventh mistake was one of the worst. I kissed another girl. I touched her. I didn't stop. She was excited and rowdy, not tender and calm. I repeated the seventh mistake more than a few times. Each time it was worse than before.

She smiled charmingly at me and acted like the last time we'd really seen each other wasn't late at night two and a half years before. Under the stars, on a blanket in the sand. Skin on skin, smiles and sky. Acted like I'd never not said goodbye.

And that's how the eighth mistake happened. Because I smiled charmingly back and played her game. Went along with it, like nothing ever happened. Watched her walk away.

The ninth mistake… well, a lot of stuff happened for the ninth mistake. I wasn't strong enough to keep her safe. I watched her fighting a machine that was just as dangerous as Sin. I held her eyes as she fussed over my wounds, and I saw the hurt in them. I spoke happily as I watched her fly off into the sunset, even though I wasn't happy at all.

I didn't say goodbye. That's the only thing that wasn't a mistake.

I held her waist and twirled her around on the dance floor. Her bridesmaid's dress billowed around her, orange silken flames. I'd forgotten how well we danced together. Her eyes were burning, again. I stood by her as she made a toast to the bride and groom. Watched her catch the bouquet. Groaned when I caught the garter because the look on Yuna's face told me too much. Because it was all too fairytale. Because the picture they forced us to take was too much like a premonition.

Depressed because even if that's what I wanted, eventually, I knew I didn't have a chance.

We went outside, and I got her a glass of her favorite peach flavored wine, the same kind that we'd sipped under a burning desert sky. I took off my jacket and placed it over her shoulders because she was cold. Brushed her sweaty curls out of her face and tilted her chin up so I could smile at her and look at her eyes.

She dropped the glass when our lips met. Pressed herself against my chest, touched my face. I wrapped my arms around her waist, and I tried to say everything I'd never said, hoping that my lips could transfer the meaning to her lips and then everything would be how it used to be. I only pulled away when I realized that her cheeks were wet.

The tenth mistake was making her cry. It was all the tears she'd ever shed over me, over us. And as she cried them into my shoulder, as my dress shirt became damp with them... I knew it was the biggest mistake of them all.

Written for the Regret emotion challenge on QTC, in which the entire story should try to emit the assigned emotion without ever saying the word. Did I do it?

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