Disclaimer: I don't own anything in Narnia. That belongs to C. S. Lewis.
This should eventually have a number of chapters…we'll see how much I actually end up doing.
Chapter 1
Peter
Setting: The night of their escape, after the Fox has taken his leave.
I wish I could be what they think I am. For some reason they see me as a great leader, but I'm not. I've never been a leader.
These people here want something from me that I'm not able to give to them. They want me to free them, and then to be their king. Me, a king? That's almost funny. Or it would be, if it weren't for the fact that I want it so much.
I've always wanted to be a leader. I've always wanted people to look up to me, to respect me, and to love me. I can't imagine anything greater than having people willing to die for you, people willing to submit to you. To be a king, a true king, would be a dream come true.
And so when Mr. Beaver and the Fox talk about how I'm the king they've been waiting for, and when they treat me like the king and hero I can see this country needs, part of me swells and rises to the challenge. But the rest of me sees how incapable I am, how little I really am. There's nothing I want more than to be king of Narnia. But I know that I'd be a phony. Somehow there's been a terrible mix up and that they can't be talking to me. They're going to be dreadfully disappointed, but I can't help but feel that Aslan made a mistake. He really meant to get somebody else.
I don't know what makes people praise my leadership. It only hurts me more. I'd give anything to have the things they say about me be true, and their comments only remind me of how far away that dream is. I guess they can't help it. They don't see what's inside my heart. They don't see who I really am, how inadequate I really am.
I've never felt like a leader. I can try really hard, and tell myself over and over that I can be one, but it has never made a difference. I can do the job that a leader does, and take the position of authority, but I guess I just don't have any confidence in myself. I see the leaders throughout history, and the people leading right now, and it seems to come so easily to them. It seems to me that there is something innate about leadership, something that you are just born with. I don't think I got that.
Mum and Dad always put me in positions of authority, and volunteer my leadership in any situation they can, and I'm able to do what is required, but that's just because I don't want to let people down. The last thing I want to do is hurt people or disappoint them, so if somebody asks something of me, I just do the best I can. Then when the job is done, they all praise my great leadership and proclaim great things for my future, but I didn't really do anything. Nothing worth praising anyway. There's nothing special about simply getting to work and giving the job my all.
I wouldn't have trouble seeing myself as a hero. I've never had the chance to do anything heroic, so I don't consider myself to be a hero right now. But if something were to come up, I think I'd be able to both act and feel like a hero. Unfortunately, I may act like a leader sometimes, but I've never felt like a leader.
I suppose I could tell myself that I don't want to hurt these people of Narnia, and do what I've always done with other situations similar to this. But taking the responsibility of a king is quite a bit different from babysitting my siblings or heading up the war efforts on our street. There's so much more at stake here.
I don't know what the right thing to do is. If I felt even the tiniest bit like a leader, I'd step up to the plate here without any hesitation. It would be the fulfillment of my dreams and the dreams of my parents. But there isn't any confidence at all. I'm not a leader at heart. And no matter how hard I try, I can't be the leader that this country needs.
I've already told them. I just want Edmund back. And as much as it hurts to see this chance to lead disappear, I intend to pull out of this mess as soon as Edmund is safe. That's really the best thing I can do.