"G'night, Ren." He looked at me, expecting me to turn the light off. Why
should I? I was right in the middle of my book. He could turn his own light
off. And that, he did, shutting off the light as "The night fell, and soon
dusk was turned to dawn..."
was read a third time.
Maybe it WAS time to stop. I set a bookmark in the book and set it back on the nightstand. Of all the lights down the hall, only one was left on. Who it belonged to, I didn't know. The loneliness set in, as I looked around at the room, Horo staring awake at the ceiling, trying his best to fall asleep.
I sighed, feeling utterly alone. Most everyone was asleep, and it was one of those times when you've stayed up late, its quiet, and you feel like you're the only person left in the entire world. My mind began wandering then, anywhere but this emptiness.
I've been alone all along, haven't I? When I was growing up the only person I had was Jun. She's an okay sibling, if I have to tell the absolute truth. I didn't really "bond" with her, so to speak, we were generally separated. I was going to be the Shaman King. I was going to train, and I'd train hard. I'd do whatever it took to avoid Father's wrath. Besides. This gift was given to me, and I might as well take advantage of it. Be the best I can. Earn respect from practically everyone.
But he taught me that even if you had respect, you could still be alone. You could still feel unappreciated, despite the fact that there were hundreds worshipping you. Respect is not a substitute for love. I think...I think that I fell in love with him then. Not exactly LOVE pray tell, but more of a crush than anything. I sound like such a giddy little schoolgirl, talking about having crushes, falling in love. I ought to be ashamed of myself.
So I had a crush on him. I had a crush, on that fool, that smiling, happy person. He was so annoying, talking about tools as if they were his FRIENDS. That smile captivated me.
Why do I fall in love with such idiots?
Idiots. Him too. He's an idiot. Always arguing. Always fighting. He forced me INTO love. Not some silly little crush like on the other. I don't even know what it is about him that attracted me towards him in the first place. He's not as appealing as the other. For that matter, everything he does seems to be messily pulled together, wearing whatever makes him feel warm, whatever will keep his hair out of his eyes, and he's not calm either. He's explosive. So what is it about him that makes me feel warm every single time he comes near me?
He has that same, that same damn smile.
What is it about smiling that makes a person glow, and makes the world seem like a better place? What is it about them, when they say it's going to be all okay, when they grin and say they won't give up yet...why does this captivate me of all people? And most of all...do they know? Can they hear my heart beating, every time one of them is near? Do they see me thinking of all of this, late at night, one of them sleeping in the very bed only six feet away....with that thought, I return to reality, stealing a glance across the room. He'd gone to sleep by now...and I was thankful.
I can hear him breathing. I can imagine his chest moving slowly up and down, wondering if he'd shiver if I ran my hands down it. His hair's messy, shaken by his pillow as he turns every now and then. I wonder what it'd be like, if I combed my hands through it. Would he flinch away? Run? Probably.
But there's something that tugs at my heart, a small pang of hope trying to make me attempt it. Telling me in false words, telling me he's felt the same, he's merely too shy....
I think that I'm going insane.
Maybe it WAS time to stop. I set a bookmark in the book and set it back on the nightstand. Of all the lights down the hall, only one was left on. Who it belonged to, I didn't know. The loneliness set in, as I looked around at the room, Horo staring awake at the ceiling, trying his best to fall asleep.
I sighed, feeling utterly alone. Most everyone was asleep, and it was one of those times when you've stayed up late, its quiet, and you feel like you're the only person left in the entire world. My mind began wandering then, anywhere but this emptiness.
I've been alone all along, haven't I? When I was growing up the only person I had was Jun. She's an okay sibling, if I have to tell the absolute truth. I didn't really "bond" with her, so to speak, we were generally separated. I was going to be the Shaman King. I was going to train, and I'd train hard. I'd do whatever it took to avoid Father's wrath. Besides. This gift was given to me, and I might as well take advantage of it. Be the best I can. Earn respect from practically everyone.
But he taught me that even if you had respect, you could still be alone. You could still feel unappreciated, despite the fact that there were hundreds worshipping you. Respect is not a substitute for love. I think...I think that I fell in love with him then. Not exactly LOVE pray tell, but more of a crush than anything. I sound like such a giddy little schoolgirl, talking about having crushes, falling in love. I ought to be ashamed of myself.
So I had a crush on him. I had a crush, on that fool, that smiling, happy person. He was so annoying, talking about tools as if they were his FRIENDS. That smile captivated me.
Why do I fall in love with such idiots?
Idiots. Him too. He's an idiot. Always arguing. Always fighting. He forced me INTO love. Not some silly little crush like on the other. I don't even know what it is about him that attracted me towards him in the first place. He's not as appealing as the other. For that matter, everything he does seems to be messily pulled together, wearing whatever makes him feel warm, whatever will keep his hair out of his eyes, and he's not calm either. He's explosive. So what is it about him that makes me feel warm every single time he comes near me?
He has that same, that same damn smile.
What is it about smiling that makes a person glow, and makes the world seem like a better place? What is it about them, when they say it's going to be all okay, when they grin and say they won't give up yet...why does this captivate me of all people? And most of all...do they know? Can they hear my heart beating, every time one of them is near? Do they see me thinking of all of this, late at night, one of them sleeping in the very bed only six feet away....with that thought, I return to reality, stealing a glance across the room. He'd gone to sleep by now...and I was thankful.
I can hear him breathing. I can imagine his chest moving slowly up and down, wondering if he'd shiver if I ran my hands down it. His hair's messy, shaken by his pillow as he turns every now and then. I wonder what it'd be like, if I combed my hands through it. Would he flinch away? Run? Probably.
But there's something that tugs at my heart, a small pang of hope trying to make me attempt it. Telling me in false words, telling me he's felt the same, he's merely too shy....
I think that I'm going insane.