Disclaimer: Hideaki Anno is a punk.
The name's Shinji "Steely Shin" Ikari. I like bustin' heads, smokin' cigars, drinkin' bourbon and seducin' the honeys. I'm what most would call an "alpha male." I don't take shit from anyone. Ya get on my bad side and I'll put my foot where the sun don't shine.
A few years ago, my pops abandoned me after his main squeeze up and croaked. I was pretty young and my memories a' that broad ain't all that great. Why would I call my mother "that broad," you ask? Because I hardly remember her, I already made that clear. Whatever, Steely Shin don't need parents. I've lived on the streets for as long as I can remember, I ain't ever had a problem I couldn't solve with my head, my fists, or my dick.
Well, back to the present. I'd just recently arrived in a place called Tokyo-3, and things were pretty nuts. First, I met some purple-haired slut. Probably gonna pump and dump her when I get some free time. She drove me to the headquarters of an organization called NERV. Ya see, my pops runs the joint. All the stuff there was pretty technical, don't ask me to explain it.
Before I forget, yer probably wonderin' what I looked like. Even if ya weren't, I'm gonna tell ya anyway. My hair's dark brown, kinda unkempt. I wore a brown cowboy hat, as well as some aviator sunglasses. There was a scar on my left cheek from a broken beer bottle. Got in a bar fight a few years back. Don't worry, what happened to the punk who glassed me was a lot worse.
Over my white t-shirt was a brown, sheepskin bomber jacket. The pants I had on were some basic blue jeans. Oh, I was also wearin' black combat boots. Sorry I took so long explainin' all that shit, but ya gotta know how I looked. Wouldn't want ya to think I was some scrawny punk wearin' a school uniform or somethin'.
The purple-haired bimbo, Misato was her name I think, got lost. What a dumb slut, am I right? Eventually we ran into some other bimbo with obviously dyed hair. Was she tryin' to impress my pops with that? Talk about desperate. I'm gettin' sidetracked here, so let me continue. After a while, we made it to a big dark room.
Ritsuko, the fake blonde bimbo, turned the lights on revealin' a huge-ass robot. Oh, and my pops in some observation room. "Hey pops, cut the bullshit. Just gimme the skinny, why am I here?" I asked, not even botherin' to hide how pissed I was. This was cuttin' into my personal time.
"You are to pilot EVA unit 01."
"Ya mean that giant, purple robot? Why the fuck would I do that, pops? I got bigger fish to fry." I pulled out a cigar and lighter from one a' my pockets. I took my time to sniff the cigar, can't get enough a' that sweet tobacco smell. After lightin' it, I noticed some glares from the bimbos. "What? Do ya have a no smokin' policy? My pops runs this place, I can do what I want."
"We're more concerned over the fact that you're underaged." Misato explained. "So, yer fine with me pilotin' some stinkin' robot to fight a genocidal monster, but ya draw the line at smokin'? Ya need to get yer priorities in check." I smirked at their irritated faces. They were all looks and no brains. Pops probably kept 'em around for quick lays, the ol' horndog.
Pops spoke up. "You are the only one capable, Shinji. Either agree to pilot, or leave. You're wasting both our time."
"Stop bein' a little bitch, pops. I might agree to help ya, but what's in it for me?"
"You will be paid the standard salary for an EVA pilot, nothing more nothing less."
"That ain't gonna cut it." I removed the cigar from my mouth. "If I'm the only one who can pilot that thing, shouldn't I be the one to make the terms?"
Pops sighed and glared at me. "We'll just use Rei. You're as worthless as ever, Shinji."
I lowered my shades to return the glare. "Blow it out yer ass, ol' man." I brought the cigar to my mouth again, then put my hands in my pockets. I wanted to see this Rei person. Size 'em up, see if they were as good as me. What surprised me was she was just a teenage girl, and she was on a hospital bed all wrapped up in bandages.
I won't lie, I wanted to tap that. But I have my own rules of etiquette; I don't make passes at girls in intensive care. That's just weird, plus they can't really perform well. One thing I could say for sure though, if she recovered, I'd be all over that ass. Shortly after she was wheeled in, there was an earthquake; apparently caused by some monster terrorizin' the city. The Rei girl fell off her bed and I went to catch her, bein' the gentleman I am.
"Yer really gonna send a little crippled girl to fight yer battles, pops? Ya piece a' shit." The comment seemed to get under his skin, because I swear he scowled for a sec. "Are you going to leave or not?" Pops asked.
"If she's my replacement, then I guess I gotta do what I gotta do. I'll kick that monster's ass. I ain't a coward like you, pops." I then put out my cigar with my tongue, threw it on the floor, and stomped it. No monster, no matter how big, was a match for Steely Shin.
We went through some preliminary bullshit that isn't really worth explainin'. After that I was sent up an elevator, and met face to face with the monster, or "angel" as these people called it. Didn't look like no angel to me. Looked kinda like a plague doctor or somethin'. Closin' my eyes, I quickly whispered a prayer.
"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; he leads me beside still waters; he restores my soul. He leads me in right paths for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I fear no evil; for you are with me; your rod and your staff – they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies, you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life. And I shall dwell in the house of the lord my whole life long."
With that said and done, my eyes shot open and I made the sign a' the cross. I'm a devout Catholic I should have ya know. "Alright, enough a' that. Listen up, Tokyo-3! Steely Shin's here to kick some angel ass!"
Because I'm such a badass, my "synch ratio" or whatever it's called was damn impressive. I rushed up to that angel fucker and shivved him with my knife. Little bitch just screamed and tried to attack, but it was too slow. I dodged every move it made and lunged at it's core, a red orb thingy.
"From hell's heart, I stab at thee, ya gotdamn sumbitch!" As ya can tell, I'm a pretty well-read fella. I stabbed it a few times and the thing continued to scream, before grabbin' me and self-destructin'.
Talk about a dick move.