Green Eggs and Hamlet

by cgtinsman

Crossover between Seuss and Shakespeare

Green Eggs and Hamlet 3 arr. Chan Tinsman

Green Eggs and Hamlet

Narrator

(In pompous British accent) Hello, and welcome to Advanced English for Dummies. Today we have a very special treat for you. Recently uncovered in our archives, a rare collaborative piece between two of the world's greatest poets. I am your host, Charles Huntington Sheffield Reginald Livingston the Third, and tonight, we have a masterpiece by William Shakespeare and Dr. Seuss. Please enjoy Green Eggs and Hamlet. (exit, enter Hamlet)

Ghost

(enter ghost) Oooooooooooo

Hamlet

oh my god, it is a ghost

I will hide behind a post

Ghost

do not, Hamlet, shake in fear

I was once your father dear

I am doomed to walk the night

you are doomed to set it right

go you to your uncle's room

and thwack him with a big fat broom

Hamlet

I will not do it in his room

I will not, will not with a broom

Ghost

then feed to him a poisoned grape

or better, choke him with a drape

Hamlet

I will not with a poisoned grape

I will not choke him with a drape

Ghost

then go you with a great big knife

and kill the man that beds my wife

Hamlet

this I will and do it well

but, hear that, sir, it is the bell

Ghost

good bye, my son, I'm off to Hell (leaves)

Hamlet

my father's ghost puts trust in me

oh, to be or not to be

Ophelia

(enter) you have freaked out my dear old dad

Hamlet, oh they say you're mad

Tell me if these things are true, but now, I give these back to you

These are the gifts you gave to me

Now I'm off to climb a tree

Hamlet

I never sent such things my dear

now please just go away from here

I never loved you, so you see

now get thee to a nunnery (exit Ophelia)

Queen

(enter) Hamlet, tell me why you weep

Did something scare you in your sleep?

Hamlet

I don't believe this, dad is dead

his brother sleeping in your bed

Queen

Oh my, what a tragic lad

Someone help, my boy is mad!

Polonius

(behind curtain) someone help, I heard her say

I must get help right away

Hamlet

What's that I heard behind the mat?

methinks that it must be a rat (stabs through curtain, Polonius falls out)

Polonius

oh me, oh my, I'm in much pain

adieu, adieu…I am slain (exits)

Queen

Hamlet, gosh, you killed him, why?

now you made your dear mom cry

Hamlet

he deserved it, that peeping tom

now I have to leave you mom (tries to leave, but Laertes stops him)

Laertes

(enter Laertes and king carrying Ophelia) Hamlet, jerk, you killed my sis

I'm gonna kick your ass for this

King

a fight , a fight, oh what a chance

I'll kill him with a poisoned lance

my troubles end right here, tonight

Hamlet won't survive the fight (they fight, Hamlet is hit, grabs sword)

now he's got the poisoned sword

Laertes

stay away from me, my lord (runs to protect the king, Hamlet stabs him)

king

a hit, a hit, a palpable hit

Queen

and so the queen will drink to it

King

you might not want to drink that wine

Queen

nonsense silly, I'll be fine (fall dead)

Hamlet

my mother, help, I think she's sick

King

(long pause) darn it, boy, you're really quick

Laertes

it's poison, Hamlet, yes it's true

but my death comes not on you (falls dead)

Hamlet

Oh who would cause such a killing spree?

King

(All dead bodies point at king) why is everyone pointing at me?

Hamlet

I will kill you with a knife

I will take your evil life

I would kill with poisoned grape

I would kill you with a drape

I will kill you uncle dear

for pouring poison in father's ear (stabs king, king falls dead)

Seuss would not condone such violence

Shakespeare would. The rest is silence (falls dead)

Narrator

One corpse, two corpse, red corpse, blue corpse. Three corpse, four corpse, maybe even more corpse. That concludes tonight's performance of Green Eggs and Hamlet. Join us next week as we kill two birds with one stone at our performance of Romeo and Julius Caesar. Good night.