Summary: Abby's POV while reading the letter. I don't know I didn't see anything dealing with her reaction during the letter. What she might have been thinking.
Author's notes: Okay so yeah. this might be a bit cheesy cause I"m not used to writing Abby-self pity stories but yeah I was sorta forced into it. I dunno tell me what you think, but I'm planning to do another one, same format but a different Abby... tell me if you'd like to see that, and if you thought this one was at least decent. I really want to do a series of letters between Carter and Abby, like Abby replies to Carter, and Carter replies back ect, but I don't know if anyone would like that, so drop me a line about that as well.. Thank you!!
Dear Abby,
I don't understand how he can even start this letter out "Dear Abby," I'm not dear to him. I just can't believe he left me like that. Left me without even talking. For the second time. We weren't that bad together, were we? We both had problems. I was just so mad at him. Mad at him for leaving, mad at him for thinking it would be okay, mad at myself for realizing that I was dependent on him. I needed him. Sometimes more than I need air to breathe.
By the time you read this letter, Luka should be safe in America and you will probably be wondering why I'm not with him.
I'm wondering why your not with him. But more so I'm wondering what happened between us. Why did we get to the point where we can't have a conversation. We can't even talk. I remember that night, at the diner, the first day that you came back after Atlanta. We shared ice-cream sundaes and talked through the night. And then right after Mark's death. I couldn't allow myself to crumble. It was so hard. And we talked till morning. And you had a shift, yet you still stayed with me. Where did everything go? Where did our friendship disappear to? Why do the only words that mean something, words that are so important, never come out when I wanted them to. I wanted to tell you I loved you. I wanted to tell you that I needed you. I needed you to stay, I hated you for leaving, for making me stay up night after night, wondering whether you were okay, whether you were alive. I was angry at you. For putting me through that. I never understood why, and I still don't. I wish you would be able to talk to me.
Before you go blaming yourself let me just say, it's not you, it's me -
How many times have I heard that said. How many times have I watched a movie. It's an indirect reference. I know it's me.
I should have been there for you. I should have talked to you. I should have run to you, like the many times you ran to me. But I didn't. I didn't and I lost the best thing that ever happened to me.
and I know even as I write this that you're going to think that's a breakup cliche, but if you could just try and hold back your judgment -
What judgement? The only person I'm judging right now is myself. How stupid I am.
and your condemnation -
I can't condemn anyone but myself. He reads me like a book. Yet I can't be mad at him because everything he's saying is true.
for a minute, maybe you will actually be able to understand what I'm trying to say.
I'm trying. I really am trying. I just can't understand why you weren't able to tell me this face to face. Instead you had to write it, send it with Luka.
Being here has changed me in ways I never imagined. It put everything in perspective.
You didn't have everything in perspective because you had me in first place. You had me at the top of your list, the most important thing in your life. And I didn't deserve that title. I didn't deserve to be part of that list at all.
County, Gamma's death, you.
Mainly me and how I should have been there for you. Mainly how I should have let Maggie deal with Erik for this once. He is her son, after all. How I should have held you, like the many times you held me. I should have been your foundation, your rock, like you were mine so many times.
Well, me and you. We just had to work so hard at everything. Too hard, you know?
I know. But I didn't think that it was time wasted. I became a better person because of you. I finally felt things I never thought I would be able to. And I would keep on working. I would keep on working if that meant that we would be okay. I wish you could read my mind sometimes. I can't tell you these things. I wish I could but I would never be able to. I'm so afraid of the judgement you would pass onto me. Of what you would think of me, that you would realize that I was a waste of time and leave. Walk out that door, and I would not be able to pick up the pieces because I let my guard down, and you came into my soul. You took over my soul and I would never be the same again. I'll never be the same again.
When I think back on our last year together, everything appears hazy, muddled.
I remember everything. I remember our first kiss, the electricity, the spark. I remember the first time we made love, with such a passion. I remember you standing next to me when I found out about Erik. I remember you proposing. I remember true love. I remember everything. I remember every kiss, every hug, every laugh. I never want to forget it. Never.
And in the Congo, everything is very clear. People are suffering. I can help them.
I know you can help them. But there are so many people back here that need your help as well. We are understaffed, underfunded. Why couldn't you set up a clinic? Go to the slums? Something other than a war-torn country. You're a doctor, you can help anyone. You're John Carter, you can help anyone when you put your mind to it. Even me. Mainly and mostly me.
They need me. In a way that you don't.
No. Never say that. I need you. The complete opposite. I need you in a way that they don't. I need you here with me. I don't know how I'm going to deal with this constant emptiness and pain that dwells in my soul. I'm not going to be able to sleep, to eat, to live. Pictures of you will always fill my mind. Are you okay? Are you happy? Healthy? I should have told you, told you all the things that I never could. How much I needed you, how much strength you gave me, just standing next to me. You gave me the hope and courage that I needed to go on.
You're much stronger than you think.
I'm only strong because I had you to help me. I'm falling apart without you.
You don't need me, Abby, and I don't think you ever really did.
I do. I did. And I always will. I wanted to convince myself that I didn't need you. I hated creating dependency on anyone, especially since they would probably leave me in the end. I could never trust anyone. I could never open up to anyone to fully trust them. And that's what held me back from you. I always thought that you would leave me if I didn't live up to your expectations. I didn't want to get hurt, because I knew I would never get over it. And here I am. Hurting more than ever before. Why do you have this power over me?
We both know we would work better unfettered.
So you felt chained to me? How did I know that from the very beginning? I know I'm royally screwed up, but I thought you saw past all that. Saw who I really was. Obviously you didn't. You didn't know what you were getting into. And a part of me is actually glad you didn't propose. Because if I had to live life knowing you felt chained, caged by being with me, I don't know how I would deal with that. But the other half is screaming at you for not asking. I would have shown you the true me. Everything. Because I had finally began to learn to trust.
I think that at one point you convinced yourself that I was the right guy for you -reliable and safe, and I don't know, stable - but I don't think that's what you really want.
I never had to convince myself. I knew. I knew from the very beginning that I saw you. From the very first kiss that you were different. You were special. I felt our souls link. I'm such an idiot. I'm such a complete idiot. Here I am, dealing with so many feelings. Things that I hate to admit. Things that make me feel weak. Things that I thought were childish and unreal. Love. I had always thought it was for little girls and fairy tales. You are what I want. I want you more than life itself. I would sell my soul to go back a few weeks. To go back to what he had before. To go back to the way we were before. And then fix it. Somehow work it out. Fix my mistakes. Be there for you.
When we were just friends, it was safe.
It was never safe, because we were in love with each other. The tension was always there. The jealousy, the denial. We can never be just friends again.
Maybe we even put each other on pedestals, I don't know.
I don't know either.
And then when we were finally together, it didn't become what either of us thought it would be.
It was better than I had ever imagined. I always thought you would leave me after dealing with my brother or my mother again. But you were there. You were there through the worst times, you saw me at my most vulnerable points, and you didn't run. You came closer. You saw me with all my flaws and problems, put out in front of you and I didn't scare you away. You were always there.
I didn't end up being what you expected, and you didn't end up being...sorry, I'm rambling.
I never expected anything from you. I know I didn't turn up being that perfect little blonde wife. I didn't stop drinking. I didn't stop smoking. I didn't pick my life up. But that's who I am. You never learned to accept it. I'll never change. You've just got to learn to love me for who I am. Screwed up as I might be. Or you'll forget me. Which you probably have already done.
I gave you as much as I could, but it wasn't enough.
It was more than enough. It was more than enough. You gave me more than anyone else ever has. I didn't know how to thank you. How to respond to it. I never dealt with it before. I didn't know what to do.
Clearly, there were a lot of things going on in your life that were more important, understandably. Eric's disease, your mother.
No. They weren't. You were more important. I should have realized that.
Your life is complicated, and I didn't fit into that mix very well, did I?
I didn't want you to get hurt. But I didn't want to let you go. That's not a good mix either.
I tried to help, but then when I needed you... I don't know.
I know. I wasn't there. I should have been.
The light is dying. I don't want to waste any more kerosene.
Our light is also dying. Our hope is dying. But my love for you will never die.
I don't know how long I'm going to end up staying here. Don't wait for me.
I'll wait for you. Forever and always. You can't tell me not to wait because whether you want me to or not, I will.
I also want to say thank you.
No. Thank you. Thank you for everything.
You are still one of the most amazing people I know.
No. I'm not. I never will be. You are one of the most amazing people I know. You have stayed by me in places where others have run and hid.
Love, Carter
I love you. I wish you knew that. I love you.