Picking Up the Pieces
AN: I just had to write something about Shay after the past few episodes. I totally see Kelly as being the person who ends up helping her through everything. I hope you enjoy!
Blood. Blood all over. Blood on her face. Blood on her hands. Blood on her clothes. His blood everywhere. The blood of the man she couldn't save. The man whose death Gabby says is her fault. If only she would have let Dawson just do things her way. Then she wouldn't be a screw up. She wouldn't have his mangled head terrorizing every waking moment of her being. Her fault. His death on her hands.
She blamed herself. She wished she didn't but in her eyes there was no one else to blame. She was just a screw up. Her closest female friend blamed her, her newest girl friend stabbed her in the back by robbing her. She probably didn't even truly love her. She was probably just waiting for the right moment to steal from them. Why had she been that naïve as to give the girl her key? Everyone was gone. Who did she have left? What didn't she mess up?
Leslie jolted awake in bed, screaming bloody murder. Her eyes darted downward, landing on her hands, still picturing the blood. She ran to the bathroom and scrubbed away, trying to remove the scarlet stains that were nonexistent. Those images...they wouldn't leave. They wouldn't go away. And they were killing her from the inside out. Alcohol was her only respite and even that couldn't fix everything.
Her lifeless blue-green eyes did not leave her hands, nor did she stop scrubbing as she heard the bathroom door fly open. Of course he would check on her. Kelly. Lately he had been too distracted. Not paying attention enough to see how broken she was. Or maybe it was just the fact that she pushed him away and tried to keep him out of her business.
"Shay, you alright? What's wrong?" Kelly came to stand behind her. After 30 seconds of watching her still frantically washing her hands, he shut off the water and passed her a towel before turning her to face him. She was rocking on her feet slightly without even realizing it And her eyes were focused everywhere except his face.
"I'm fine, Kelly." He knew her well enough to know she was lying. He knew her well enough to hear the underlying pain in her voice. How had he ignored it? How had he let her go when she was slowly wearing away? When she was just beating herself up?
"No, you're not." He softly held her face between his large hands to get her to look at him. She was quick to pull away defensively.
"I'm a big girl, Kelly. I can take care of myself." She tried to walk past him but he blocked her path. "Kelly." She warned, her voice carrying no real threat. It sounded more like she was trying to hold back the dam of emotions and she could barely contain it. She had been struggling with it. Only Otis had seen her break and he promised not to tell. She didn't need anyone seeing her that broken. It wasn't who she was. She knew that. But it seemed to be what she had become. Broken. Shattered. Pieces that didn't seem able to be put back together. Could someone so beyond broken be fixed?
"Leslie, listen to me. You are not ok. You need help. That's my fault. I should have been here for you. I'm sorry. I'm here now. I promise. I'm not going anywhere and I'm not going to turn my back on you. I'm going to help you through this." His warm brown eyes searched her face for any reaction. There was a soft quiver of her lip but it stopped abruptly and her hardened eyes met his. He had called her Leslie. He never did that. It was always just Shay. It felt more natural. But here he was, trying to get through her cracking walls of defense.
"You did nothing wrong. It's nothing I can't deal with. I just need space right now and you really aren't helping with that." Kelly shook his head.
"No. It's not what you need. You need to be around the people who care about you. If you wanted to be alone why would you have picked up Devon at the bar? You wanted company to forget. You wanted a distraction-"
"Stop. Just stop." Kelly immediately went quiet seeing the tears gather in her eyes. Her chest heaved as she fought desperately to hold in the sobs. "I don't want to talk about her. I don't want to talk about any of it. I'm a screw up and I know it. So just stop, Kelly, please." She took a step towards him, hoping he would move now but he still didn't budge.
"It's not your fault. None of it is your fault. Devon, the patient who killed himself, not your fault." Something in Shay snapped. She ran into Kelly at full force, but he caught her in his strong arms and just held her tight as she beat her fists against his chest and tried to get away. Tears now streamed down her pale face. She couldn't hold it in anymore. Those emotions that she had been holding back were all coming to the surface.
"It is, Kelly. It is. I think so, Gabby thinks so.. I should've listened to her. He'd still be alive." Her voice cracked at the end and she all but collapsed in his arms. He easily caught her and slowly lowered them to the ground. Her head finding its way to his neck, and hands creating a vice grip on his t-shirt. One of his arms held her close as he stroked her hair soothingly.
"Gabby said that to you?" No matter how out of it she was, she still heard the surprise and anger in his voice.
"She was right. Don't get mad at her." Kelly shut his eyes to contain his anger and calm himself. He could feel her hot tears against his neck. She was so far gone. He had let her fall so far. And Dawson hadn't helped it any, even if it didn't mean anything.
"She didn't mean it. She just didn't know how to deal with the guilt, like you. So she placed the blame on you to cope. She was just upset. She knows it wasn't your fault."
Leslie didn't know if she was willing to listen to logic right now. Her heart didn't want to. Nor did her mind. They both felt shut down and drained of everything. Like there was nothing left. She felt dead inside, as if there was nothing worth living for anymore. Kelly. He would be ok on his own. He had people who cared about him. And Gabby, if she really did care, had Casey to be there for her.
"Shay.." Kelly's voice trailed off as he tried to catch her attention. She seemed lost in her own thoughts which could be a dangerous place right now. He couldn't lose her. He was going to fight for her even harder now. He was going to bring her back. He was going to pick up the pieces and make her whole again. She was his best friend after all.
"I'm just really tired. Can we talk more tomorrow?" She turned her face against his neck so she could actually look at him. Her eyes were now dry but they were red from crying. How could he say no to her?
"Sure. Do you want me to stay with you?" Her arms hooked around his neck as he picked her up and carried her to her bed, laying her down softly. He really didn't want to leave her, but knew he would be just across the hall if she needed him.
"I'll be fine. I'll come get you if I need anything." Kelly nodded. He tucked her covers around her and kissed her forehead, his lips lingering longer than need be.
"You know I love you, right?" His tone was nothing but serious. Her eyes locked with his and she nodded, forcing a smile onto her face.
"I know. I love you too, Kelly." Hearing her say it made him smile. She didn't hate him like she should. He would always try to be better for her.
"Get some rest." She closed her eyes and listened until she heard her bedroom door shut. Why did he have to care so much? She didn't want to hurt him, but she needed to figure some things out. He was going to be crushed.
Kelly woke up the next morning with a smile on his face. He was going to do his best to cheer her up. After throwing on fresh clothes, he went downstairs and made pancakes and coffee, hoping to surprise her with a breakfast in bed. But when he got to her room she was gone.
"Shay?" He set the tray down on her bed and checked the bathroom. She wasn't there either. "Shay?!" Severide ran out of her room and went downstairs, finding Otis on the couch.
"Have you seen Shay?" Kelly asked, desperation in his voice. Otis shook his head.
"No, haven't seen her. Hey, did you hear her screaming early this morning? Is she ok?"
"Yeah, I heard. That was the last time I saw her." Kelly grabbed his keys and left out the front door. He tried calling her cellphone, but immediately got her voicemail. He cursed and ran a hand through his hair. Shay was gone and she was off the grid. What the hell was he suppose to do now? He had to find her. He couldn't leave her broken and alone. She wasn't thinking straight. He swore to god if she did something..he would never forgive himself.
AN: well, i hope you liked it :) I don't know if I will continue it or just leave it as a one-shot. I have to think about that. Drop me a review :)