Title: Edwud and Jaycub fall in love
Pairings: Guess.
Rating: M for Manure, I mean, Mature.
Spoilers: Yeah, but let's be honest if you're reading this because you're like me you don't care and if you're not... well, nothing can be done for you.
Warnings: Faggotry faggotry faggotry crossdressing faggotry faggotry faggotry murder faggotry faggotry faggotry cannibalism faggotry faggotry.
Summary: Edwud and Jaycub have some really wholesome, innocent, non-violent, platonic shenanigans while hanging out at Bella's house!
Author's Notes: I was bored. So shitposting a story happened.
Disclaimer: It should go without saying that I don't own Twilight because if I did I would be eternally ashamed of myself.
Edwud and Jaycub fall in love
PART 1
It was a shiny new sunny day in Townsville and the Pooderpuff Goils was gonna go beat Mojojoojojojoojo cause he being a major lintlicker and trying to free them zoom animals from the Zoom and he was doing that laugh he does and repeating the stuff he says like usually does and so they was gonna get him good and beat him up and the save the day because Professor Blutonium Berry said they were gonna get goodies and candies for being real good super goils and as they pass by Belluh Swanduh's house we just sort of forget about them because they're not relevant to the actual story, ok? Ok.
So, like, now we're in Belluh Swandaluh's house. Chyeah, we in 'dere. It's been broken into and, like, even though she was home she was powerless to stop the intruders cause she's a dumb expressionless poorly wiped anus who can't defend herself or even make a face that doesn't say "hi, my name is Bella and I'm about as exciting as a bowl of hair with the magnificent emotional range of a wet fish" and cause the intruders were no other than her sissysparkledick boyfriend Edwud Cureen and the guy she was going to cheat on him with pigface McBabyrapist Jaycub or something or other I don't even know he was the creep who never wore a shirt and wanted to fuck a baby.
"Jaycub, I am so glad trash can bags that we decided to hang out with each other and break in Belluhduh's house and wreck her shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit", said Edwud as his sparklebitch skin glowed like diamonds in the sunlight from the window he was next to because that's an accurate and necessary addition to vampire lore.
"Me too Edwud (snort) I'm so eggsited to play in Belluhluh's house so much that my pig nose is snorting pretty fucking uncontrollably (snortsnortsnortsnortsnort)", said Jacob as he was sticking his fingers up his nose to try to calm his snorts of excitement but instead taking a deep trip to Boogietown.
"Jaycub you so cray, girl. What should we do first?" asked the equally eggcited Edward.
"I 'dunno, broski. Let's look around and find something, k?" replied the still eggcited Jaycub.
They looked around BelluhBelluh's room and suddenly Jaycob had an idear.
"Haaaaaaaay, let's eat Belluhswan!" he shriek with eggcitement.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Edwud shrieked back in a voice akin to that of a howler monkey.
So in they went and as they dove into her body and tore apart her innards and ripped through her tender yet still so very boring flesh they could feast like Kings in a Burger King and have it their way and whatever.
Edwuf was having so much fun, "Giiirrrlll, looks like you got somethin' in yo' nyeeeeck. Lemme git dat for ya'," he said to dead Bellu's body as he got out his vampire fangs and tore the fuck out of her neck and chewed on that shit like a Slim Jim so any bones, cartilage, or any other fleshy bits could hang out of it while making squishy pleased sounds cause her neck tasted like roast beef to him. It was so good he opened up his shirt and dug his fingers into her neck to spread the juices on is nipnops because it got him all hornyhot and then he thought he should share with Bellurluh so he took more neck stuff out of her and stuffed it in her mouth and went to help her chew by using his hands to move her jaw and he was like "Damn, girl! That looks goooood!" so he dove his face into her face stuffed with her humin meats and ate it out of her mouth and accidentally tore off her facelips because I guess they were looking finger lickin' good or something.
Jaycub was tearing at Berluh's tummytum and ripping out her kidneys and lungs and junk cause they were sort of getting in the way and they looked like they would complement his eyebrowns so he took a whole kidney, punched that little sucker all smushed and flat and put it on his head and said "Bitch, I look just like Bertny Spurs. Shyet, I'm cute." He was also eating up more of her stomache pasta he noticed how oddly salty and yummy and crunchy like onyon rengs it was and then dug his face into the rest of her tummybuts cause watching Edwub rub his mantits with neckjuice was making him hungry in the pants if you know what I'm sayin'.
But.
He noticed something in the bottom of Bellur's tummy that looked like SHIT FUCK OMG SPOILER it looked like a baby wow oh my good golly gosh so he took it out and it kind of just started making those awful sounds babies make when their senses are fully awakened to the full terror of suddenly being alive and covered in who knows fucking what.
Placenta. That's what, newborn baby. Yum.
Jaycub was like "What der fack, Edwud. Berluhr still got yo' behbeh from your dick seed that you putted in her wow ew" and then he was like "It's not even a hot baby why did I even wanna imprint this fugly little mini-goblin cause I'm basically a fucking creep who thinks it would be a swell idea to claim the baby of the girl I can't have so I can't fuck it later and still sort of but not really at all be with the girl I wanted to begin with" and then Edwud was like "Eugh, eat it up like a little chiggin' wang it sounds like a high-pitched version of Erggy Azerlah freestyle rapping."
And with all that said Edwud grabbed the babies head while Jaycub held it's legs and they pulled it apart like a fucking lego and ate it up cause wow yum baby parts.
After that they were kind of full so they were like "Shyat san, what are we gonna do now we already done ate the bitch up."
Then they caugh a glimpse of Berlerluhluh's underwear drawer in her dresser and an idear.