"You're certain you want to do this?" asked Dr. Aurelius.
I'd been cleared to leave, with no restrictions on my destination. I'd been pushing for my release, and there was no question in my mind where I was going.
"She needs me."
The doctor sighed. "I'm going to bend patient confidentiality a bit here. I've been debating this with myself for quite a while now, knowing this day would come. The two of you really are a special case, in many ways. Both of you need me to say this.
"I'm not going to give details, but you need to know how damaged she is right now. At the moment, you are in far better shape than she is."
I flinched, thinking of my torture and my hijacking, all of which affected me daily, still throwing me into occasional flashbacks which I managed but could not completely control.
The doctor nodded. "I'm not minimizing what was done to you. You've made amazing progress, beyond what I imagined would be possible. You are far from cured, and that's the reason for the arrangements we've made for when you leave".
Daily check-ins at first, becoming less frequent as the doctor thought I was stable enough in my new situation. An emergency number I could call at any time and immediately reach someone familiar with me and my particular challenges. A lot more medication than I really liked to think about.
"Remember, everything that was done to you was done primarily to affect her. She has internalized this, not just your torture, but the suffering of everyone that she cares for. She feels the responsibility for far more death and pain than any one person can bear."
The doctor paused, but I wasn't ready to process this yet.
"Do you have any doubt I've been working for your benefit?" I shook my head no. "She hasn't had that luxury. From the moment she arrived in District 13, the sole motivation for any treatment she received was to make her useful to someone else. What was best for her was at most a secondary concern."
I nodded again, thinking that by the end of the rebellion, Coin had wanted her dead, and wanted to use me as a weapon against her. I didn't appreciate that interval either, but that cold-blooded manipulation was the exception for my time there. It hadn't been for her.
"During her trial, she was in solitary confinement. No visitors. No doctors - not for her physical health, not for her mental health."
I shuddered, remembering the help I still had with my healing burns during that time. I thought of her reaching for the nightlock capsule, of where her mind was at that point; of the few images I'd seen of her locked up; of the reports from Haymitch about her state during that time.
"She's now been left in District 12. She has Haymitch to watch over her. He started out with good intentions, but at this point, the alcohol and the memories have taken over. I haven't had a coherent report or conversation with him in weeks, but the news before that was grim.
"She does have someone - a Ms. Sae? - who is feeding her two meals a day. I suspect that is the only thing keeping her alive.
"I'm supposed to be helping her, but right now, she isn't answering her phone. I thought from the beginning that would be beyond her ability, but there was no other option. Her needs were not taken into account when these arrangements were made.
"If I thought it would do any good, I'd advise you against going." I shook my head. "I think you are going to have a very hard time getting her to respond to you, and that will be bad for your mental health."
"So the daily check-ins."
"Correct. But since you are committed to this path, I will tell you, I think you are the only hope she has of coming out of this. And I'm not sure even you can succeed. But if you can get her to talk to me, we can share that burden".
I nod my head. One more look shows me the serious conversation is over. We exchange pleasantries, and I accept congratulations on ending this phase of my treatment. We shake hands as I leave, and as I walk out the door, I finally allow myself to consider what his words mean.
I knew that Katniss had not been in good shape when she left, but I thought she'd been getting better. I shook my head at my naiveté. I already knew everything that Dr. Aurelius had told me, but I hadn't really thought about it, about what it would mean for her.
My chest ached as I thought of her suffering continuing unabated. I wondered if I was up for the challenge of changing this, if my tenuous grasp on reality would hold up during my efforts to heal this wounded mockingjay.
I went home to finalize plans for my return to District 12. I was unsure what I would face, but knew I had no other choice. I knew that however hard it would be for me, the alternatives were much, much worse. I knew that she was the only chance I had of coming out of this too.