Only we would make a spoof of our own story. The main point of which is to
have a story with the title "Or a Moron with a Big Stick." It was written
at three o'clock in the morning. The answer is in the question. It's also
SLIGHTLY hard to read, as Kat was literally falling asleep as she was
writing. Sorry Kat! Enjoy!
Kudos to Kat who somehow managed to make Jack sound like Jack, even when he's the exact opposite of himself. And she was falling asleep at the same time, to top it all off.
And in case you haven't read our other story, Jade is Jack Sparrow's fifteen-year-old daughter.
Disclaimer: Hey, I guess we DO kind of own the characters. Well, Jack (Turner) and Jade anyway. And all the slightly OOC personalities.
Summary: The characters are messed up. SEVERELY messed up. Jack Sparrow is terrified of everything he normally thrives on, Anamaria whines, Jade is just short of being a nympho... and the list goes on.
Please, just don't run away screaming yet. Give it a chance, you know you want to.
*
The day dawned bright and clear, the sunlight tinting the ocean gold. In the hull of the Black Pearl, a door creaked open, a kohl-rimmed eye peering out fearfully. The soft slap of water against the wooden sides of the ship should have been reassuring for the man who heard it day in and day out, but for Captain Jack Sparrow, even the sound of water sent frightened shivers up and down his spine.
As the Captain in question braved an exit from his quarters, he found himself met with a shapely shadow.
"Hello, father." A face appeared amid the dim light, as the form of Jade Sparrow slid along the wall. The loose shirts and pants of her childhood had been replaced by tight corsets, designed for one thing and one thing only- a very UPLIFTING purpose.
"Hello Jade," Jack greeted, nervously glancing to and fro in the corridor. "Sleep well?"
"Not at all," she murmured, reaching out and playing with one of his beads. "My bed was very cold." She purred the words, puffing out her chest with a sharp little gasp.
Her father grinned. "Well, I can solve that."
"You can?" Jade exclaimed happily, reaching to loosen her corset strings.
"Yes," Jack answered, turning back into his cabin for a moment. "You can use my second blanket, I found the night sweltering."
"Oh." With a disappointed sigh, both Jade's hopes and chest fell.
"All solved then, eh love? Be a good girl, and run along now." With one final smile, Jack sent Jade off, leaving him alone in the dingy hall, trying to find courage to face the day.
"Sparrow!" A summons reached Jack's ears, amazing considering the pitch. "Why aren't you giving orders like a good captain? I'm a better captain; I should be in charge of the Pearl. You're even afraid of water, you ninny. What kind of a captain is afraid of water? And-"
Anamaria's protests were cut short by Jack's shaking hand. "Why did you say the 'w' word? It's bad enough I must be surrounded by the... wetness every day, must I hear of it too?"
Struggling to answer through Jack's hand, the pair almost missed Gibbs' approach. He was, however, slightly hard to miss. Clad in a hula skirt of bright green grass and purple feathers, Gibbs' entrance was proceeded by the slap of his bare feet on the wood, and the jangle of his many bracelets and bells.
"Cap'n!"
"Yes Gibbs?"
The scantily dressed formidable figure sighed sadly. "How many times must I tell you, my name is NOT Gibbs. It is Gibbisimwum, god of the Tiki people and miniature umbrellas."
"Aye, Gibbisimwum, what of it?"
"There's a matter that needs attending to, sir, on the deck."
The captain cringed, shrinking back toward the still open door of his cabin. "Up there?" He frantically searched for an excuse. 'Up there' was water, and complicated masts and riggings that could collapse at any time, and worst of all- pirates.
"I don't think that's really necessary. An all-powerful god like you should be able to handle it all. No need for me, eh?"
"Aye, sir. I'll just attend to it myself, savvy?"
The world froze around Jack Sparrow as the 'word' fell from the lips of the man -sorry- god before him. He was sure he stopped breathing and in his desire to escape the certain doom that was impending upon its utterance, the Captain unwittingly raced to the deck of his ship.
The shock of hearing the word coupled with the sudden expanse of blue all around him almost gave Jack a heart attack. He stumbled but did not fall, his daughter racing toward him at the first sign of distress.
"Are you alright? Do you need CPR? Can I help you with anything? Do you need a sponge bath? Can I cover you with chocolate and lick it off?"
Shaking his head sharply, smiling at his daughter. "I'm sorry, dear heart, I've had a bit of a shock. I'm beginning to hear odd things. You might want to get some fresh air for a little while."
"Daddy, we're on the deck. I'm surrounded by fresh air. Besides, a daughter's place is with her father."
"I'm outside?! How did I get here? What's going on?"
"We're near Port Royal, Daddy. We're going to see Will and Elizabeth."
"On land?" Jack questioned hopefully.
"On land," Jade verified.
"Excellent."
Pulling himself upright, Jack swaggered to the helm. Anamaria joined him a moment later, two bottles of rum in her grasp.
"'Ello, cap'n. Rum?"
Desperately searching for somewhere safe to look- without water or pirates or, well, anything. Shuddering at Anamaria's offer, he averted his eyes once again, grudgingly looking out to sea.
"No."
"Why don't you drink rum? You call yourself a man, but you won't even drink! You're a captain who's scared of water, for the love of all things good for me in the world. I think you should give me the ship, don't you? It's a really good idea." She stared pleadingly at the man before her, her doleful face ruined by the infrequent drinks of her preferred liquor.
"What's that?" Jack questioned, pointing to a black shape floating amid the wide blue expanse.
"It's the ocean, Jack," Anamaria intoned, gazing blearily in the direction Jack pointed. "Good Mother Ocean! It's a person!"
"In the water? Get them out for God's sake! No one deserves that!"
His crew ran around frantically, trying to find a way to pull the unfortunate soul from the water. They were aided and abetted by their captain, who was rushing about madly, never getting within five feet of the twelve-foot drop to the ocean.
The sodden bundle of black cloth and human was raised at last to the deck, dumped unceremoniously and left alone to rise.
Staying a fair distance back from the water-covered person, Jack jerked in surprise as said person raised their very familiar face and greeted him.
"Hello Jack."
Kudos to Kat who somehow managed to make Jack sound like Jack, even when he's the exact opposite of himself. And she was falling asleep at the same time, to top it all off.
And in case you haven't read our other story, Jade is Jack Sparrow's fifteen-year-old daughter.
Disclaimer: Hey, I guess we DO kind of own the characters. Well, Jack (Turner) and Jade anyway. And all the slightly OOC personalities.
Summary: The characters are messed up. SEVERELY messed up. Jack Sparrow is terrified of everything he normally thrives on, Anamaria whines, Jade is just short of being a nympho... and the list goes on.
Please, just don't run away screaming yet. Give it a chance, you know you want to.
*
The day dawned bright and clear, the sunlight tinting the ocean gold. In the hull of the Black Pearl, a door creaked open, a kohl-rimmed eye peering out fearfully. The soft slap of water against the wooden sides of the ship should have been reassuring for the man who heard it day in and day out, but for Captain Jack Sparrow, even the sound of water sent frightened shivers up and down his spine.
As the Captain in question braved an exit from his quarters, he found himself met with a shapely shadow.
"Hello, father." A face appeared amid the dim light, as the form of Jade Sparrow slid along the wall. The loose shirts and pants of her childhood had been replaced by tight corsets, designed for one thing and one thing only- a very UPLIFTING purpose.
"Hello Jade," Jack greeted, nervously glancing to and fro in the corridor. "Sleep well?"
"Not at all," she murmured, reaching out and playing with one of his beads. "My bed was very cold." She purred the words, puffing out her chest with a sharp little gasp.
Her father grinned. "Well, I can solve that."
"You can?" Jade exclaimed happily, reaching to loosen her corset strings.
"Yes," Jack answered, turning back into his cabin for a moment. "You can use my second blanket, I found the night sweltering."
"Oh." With a disappointed sigh, both Jade's hopes and chest fell.
"All solved then, eh love? Be a good girl, and run along now." With one final smile, Jack sent Jade off, leaving him alone in the dingy hall, trying to find courage to face the day.
"Sparrow!" A summons reached Jack's ears, amazing considering the pitch. "Why aren't you giving orders like a good captain? I'm a better captain; I should be in charge of the Pearl. You're even afraid of water, you ninny. What kind of a captain is afraid of water? And-"
Anamaria's protests were cut short by Jack's shaking hand. "Why did you say the 'w' word? It's bad enough I must be surrounded by the... wetness every day, must I hear of it too?"
Struggling to answer through Jack's hand, the pair almost missed Gibbs' approach. He was, however, slightly hard to miss. Clad in a hula skirt of bright green grass and purple feathers, Gibbs' entrance was proceeded by the slap of his bare feet on the wood, and the jangle of his many bracelets and bells.
"Cap'n!"
"Yes Gibbs?"
The scantily dressed formidable figure sighed sadly. "How many times must I tell you, my name is NOT Gibbs. It is Gibbisimwum, god of the Tiki people and miniature umbrellas."
"Aye, Gibbisimwum, what of it?"
"There's a matter that needs attending to, sir, on the deck."
The captain cringed, shrinking back toward the still open door of his cabin. "Up there?" He frantically searched for an excuse. 'Up there' was water, and complicated masts and riggings that could collapse at any time, and worst of all- pirates.
"I don't think that's really necessary. An all-powerful god like you should be able to handle it all. No need for me, eh?"
"Aye, sir. I'll just attend to it myself, savvy?"
The world froze around Jack Sparrow as the 'word' fell from the lips of the man -sorry- god before him. He was sure he stopped breathing and in his desire to escape the certain doom that was impending upon its utterance, the Captain unwittingly raced to the deck of his ship.
The shock of hearing the word coupled with the sudden expanse of blue all around him almost gave Jack a heart attack. He stumbled but did not fall, his daughter racing toward him at the first sign of distress.
"Are you alright? Do you need CPR? Can I help you with anything? Do you need a sponge bath? Can I cover you with chocolate and lick it off?"
Shaking his head sharply, smiling at his daughter. "I'm sorry, dear heart, I've had a bit of a shock. I'm beginning to hear odd things. You might want to get some fresh air for a little while."
"Daddy, we're on the deck. I'm surrounded by fresh air. Besides, a daughter's place is with her father."
"I'm outside?! How did I get here? What's going on?"
"We're near Port Royal, Daddy. We're going to see Will and Elizabeth."
"On land?" Jack questioned hopefully.
"On land," Jade verified.
"Excellent."
Pulling himself upright, Jack swaggered to the helm. Anamaria joined him a moment later, two bottles of rum in her grasp.
"'Ello, cap'n. Rum?"
Desperately searching for somewhere safe to look- without water or pirates or, well, anything. Shuddering at Anamaria's offer, he averted his eyes once again, grudgingly looking out to sea.
"No."
"Why don't you drink rum? You call yourself a man, but you won't even drink! You're a captain who's scared of water, for the love of all things good for me in the world. I think you should give me the ship, don't you? It's a really good idea." She stared pleadingly at the man before her, her doleful face ruined by the infrequent drinks of her preferred liquor.
"What's that?" Jack questioned, pointing to a black shape floating amid the wide blue expanse.
"It's the ocean, Jack," Anamaria intoned, gazing blearily in the direction Jack pointed. "Good Mother Ocean! It's a person!"
"In the water? Get them out for God's sake! No one deserves that!"
His crew ran around frantically, trying to find a way to pull the unfortunate soul from the water. They were aided and abetted by their captain, who was rushing about madly, never getting within five feet of the twelve-foot drop to the ocean.
The sodden bundle of black cloth and human was raised at last to the deck, dumped unceremoniously and left alone to rise.
Staying a fair distance back from the water-covered person, Jack jerked in surprise as said person raised their very familiar face and greeted him.
"Hello Jack."