a/n : I suppose this could be considered a "sequel" to the Family Feud Series of fics I've been writing. Vampire Family Feud (Vampire Diaries/Twilight x-over) and Another Vampire Family Feud (Vampire Diaries/Lost Boys X-over - though this one is much more weighted to Vampire Diaries but there are some humorous LB moments if you'd like to take a moment and read it).
This one is dedicated to Corey Haim as today is his 40th birthday. From all your fans - we miss you and your incredible smile and we'll NEVER forget you.
-Gemma
12-23-2011
: )
We open on dancing GSN logo
Announcer: You're watching the Game Show Network.
Cut to game show set, each family posed behind their podiums.
Announcer: It's time for... "Santa Carla Family Feud"! Introducing the Emerson Family: Grandpa, Lucy, Michael, Sam and The Widow Johnson!
And today, they'll be playing against...! Max, David, Marko, Paul and Dwayne
And here's your host...Jamie Gertz!
Jamie walks in and takes center stage. "Hello Audience and welcome to Family Feud. I'm your host Jamie Gertz," she reads aloud from her cue cards.
The audience boos.
"You SUCK!" someone screams out.
"You RUINED the movie!"
At the Emerson Family podium Lucy turns to her son Michael, "What movie are they talking about?"
"How should I know?" Michael replies. "You're the one who works at the video rental store."
"Could you please take off those sunglasses? We're inside," Lucy continues. Michael rolls his eyes and looks over at Sam. "Switch places with me," he tells his brother as he yanks Sam's arm.
"Hey!" Sam yells as he's forced into the center spot between his mom and Michael.
At the opposing podium, David rolls his head in a circle. His neck bones crack as he lets out a tired yawn. Beside him Marko has picked his nose and wiped it not-so-discreetly on Paul's jeans. Paul punches Marko in the side.
Dwayne just laughs.
"First of all I don't suck," Jamie Gertz proclaims as she glares angrily into the audience. "And I didn't ruin the movie – there's just a lot of jealous FANGIRLS who WISH they could have been me. And if you're one of them you can just go BLEEP…."
Announcer: Let's play the Feud! First up to the podium; Grandpa and Max!
Loud music plays drowning out the rest of Jamie's message to the jealous fan-girls.
Grandpa shuffles up to the podium. His name tag reads "Old Fart" and there are Oreo crumbs stuck in between his teeth as he smiles uncomfortably at the camera.
Max glides confidently to his place. His suit has been tailored perfectly and his new silk tie is the envy of every businessman this side of Santa Carla.
"Okay. Okay. I get it." Jamie sends the announcer's booth a dirty look as the catchy game show tune ceases.
Without a glance at the contestants she shuffles through the cards in her hands. "So here's the first question. One hundred people surveyed; Top six answers on the board…"
The camera pans up the board overhead where the answers are covered.
"Name something you'd hate to see fall on the floor during an operation."
Max's hand slams down on the buzzer.
"Scalpel!" he shouts confidently.
Jamie turns to board hanging overhead. "Show me... scalpel!"
DING!
The number one slot flips over: SCALPEL/TOOLS
"Yes!" Max puffs up like a peacock.
"Pass or play?" Jamie asks him.
"What?" Max replies looking at her in confusion.
"Pass! Pass!" The Lost Boys scream from the podium.
"When did passing become an option?" Max asks her.
"Weren't you on the show before?" Jamie counters.
"Well, yes but…," Max begins.
"Then you should know the CENSORED rules," Jamie snorts hotly. "Now pass or play."
"Well, I…"
"PASS!" shouts David.
"PASS!" shouts Marko.
"PASS!" shouts Paul.
Dwayne just laughs.
Max looks over at his team and remembers the half-assed answers they gave during their last match against the Salvatore Family. It hadn't ended well.
"We'll pass," he tells Jamie.
Jamie waves Max back to his family podium as she walks with Grandpa to Team Emerson. "Alright Old Fart," Jamie says to him. "Tell us who you brought with you today."
Grandpa runs his tongue over his front teeth in attempt to dislodge the Oreo crumbs before answering. "This is my daughter, Lucy," he tells the host. "My grandsons Michael and Sam." Sam waves politely while Michael just stares at Jamie.
"Mike!" Sam elbows him. But Michael doesn't even blink.
"And my fiancé, The Widow Johnson," Grandpa finishes.
"Your fiancé?" Jamie grins. "Congratulations," she pats him on the shoulder before she walks over to The Widow Johnson. "So was it a romantic proposal?" Jamie asks her.
"Oh yes," the older woman gushes. "He came over one night to show me his handiwork…"
"I'll show you my handiwork," a voice calls out from the opposing team.
Everyone at the Emerson podium looks over to at them. All four of the Lost Boys are pointing fingers toward Max. Their head of household purses his lips together tightly and growls, "Boys…"
"What the BLEEP is wrong with you?" Jamie yells at the Lost Boys. "You need to do something there, Buddy," she tells Max. "Keep them in line or else you're outta here."
Max's eyes narrow as he meets Jamie's gaze.
"You don't scare me Tough Guy," she tells him. "I've been in this business too long. Now get your little team together and pay attention."
David, Marko, Paul and Dwayne look guardedly at each other then back at Max. They wait for Max to lose his cool but instead his brow furrows indicating he is deep in thought.
"I do not want that bitch as my step-mother," Paul whispers loud enough for the others to hear him.
"Totally," Marko agrees.
Dwayne nods.
David looks at Max and remembers the last time Max had the 'my boys need a mother' bug stuck up his ass. It hadn't ended well.
"What a sweet story!" Jamie presses her hand against her heart. "Most people don't know this about me," she continues. "But I am a true romantic. I really am. I wish you both all the best." With that Jamie walks back up to Lucy, setting her cue cards on the podium-top.
"Alright Lucy, name something you'd hate to see fall on the floor during an operation."
"Oh dear," Lucy crunches her hands together nervously. She pulls at her fingers.
"Come on, mom!" Sam cheers.
"Uhhhh," Lucy stutters. "I…I…I don't do well under pressure."
"I knew this was a bad idea," Grandpa mutters.
"Three seconds," Jamie tells Lucy.
"Two."
"One."
BUZZZZZZZZZZ!
A red "X" appears. It's the first strike for the Emerson family.
"Sorry guys," Lucy shrugs.
"It's alright mom. I got this," Sam tells her. "The doctor!" he says to Jamie.
"The doctor!" Jamie laughs. "Yeah. I can see that. Show me…doctor!"
DING!
The number three spot flips over: SURGEON
"Alright!" Sam shouts. He hi-fives his mom and Grandpa. He turns to hi-five his brother, but is left hanging as Michael is mesmerized by Jamie Gertz.
"Mike! Mike!" Sam shouts holding up his hand.
"Good one Sam," Michael answers distractedly as his gaze is transfixed on the game show host.
"Got an answer?" she asks Michael.
"What was the question again?" Michael asks.
Sam sighs as his un-hi-fived hand drops against his side. He's always at the mercy of his brother's sex glands. Sam looks at Michael and remembers the last time Mike had gotten infatuated with a girl. It hadn't ended well.
"Name something you'd hate to see fall on the floor during an operation."
After a moment of thought Michael replies, "Anything."
"Anything?" Jamie questions.
"Well, if I'm having surgery," Michael begans. "I would hope that I would be asleep the whole time so I wouldn't see anything fall on the floor."
"I don't know that I can accept that answer." Jamie looks over at the judges table for a decision. Executive producers Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul lean in toward each other to discuss as Michael reaches up under his sunglasses and rubbed his eyes.
"Please tell me you're not high right now?" Sam whispers to his brother. When Michael doesn't answer Sam sighs again. Did game shows drug test? He hopes not.
In his left ear he hears Lucy reminding him to, "Stand up straight, Sam. We're going to be on TV." So Sam presses his shoulders down and back forcing his spine to straighten. On his right, Michael has lifted his sunglasses a tiny bit and is admiring Jamie Gertz's ass. Sam makes a mental note that Michael needs to get laid. ASAP.
Across the stage, Max straightens the handkerchief protruding from his pocket. He knows that first impressions are critical and he hopes he has made a good one. Beside him David removes a flask from the inside of his black trench coat. He unscrews the cap, takes a small swing and smiles in contentment. He then passes the flask to Marco who does the same thing.
Paul and Dwayne have a pile of small white papers and a baggie of finely diced green 'vegetation' on top of the podium. For them it is second nature and in less than a minute they have each rolled three joints.
Sam notices this. He taps Michael's arm as he points over toward the opponents. Then he presses his thumb and forefinger together bringing them to his lips pretending to inhale.
Michael cracks a half-smile.
Sam doesn't realize that Lucy has been watching them until she begins to frantically wave her arms to get the host's attention.
"Excuse me. Excuse me," Lucy says ever so meekly to Jamie Gertz. "Are they allowed to do that in here?"
"Do what?" Jamie looks at Lucy, then to where Lucy is indicating.
"What?" Paul says looking at the two women innocently. "It's medicinal."
"Medicinal, huh?" Jamie looks at him as she crosses her arms across her chest. "For your glaucoma, right?"
Dwayne just laughs.
"Put it away. NOW!" Max growls at Paul and Dwayne. They frown, but clear their mess from the podium and hand it to an attendant who has come out from backstage.
Executive producers Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul wave Jamie Gertz down to the judges table.
After conferring with them, Jamie turns back to Michael and the Emersons. "It's not specific but it is your answer. So… show me…. Anything!" she says looking over to the board.
BUZZ
A large red "X" appears.
It's the second strike for the Emerson family.
"Nice try, Michael" Jamie tells him. Sam thinks he may have seen his brother blushing just a little bit.
"Widow Johnson, what do you think the answer might be?" Jamie asks as she approaches the last spot at the Emerson family's podium.
"I'm going to say…," Widow Johnson pauses a moment. "Gloves."
"Good Answer," Grandpa claps his hands together.
"Yes. Good Answer," Lucy claps as well.
"Show me gloves," Jamie says aloud.
DING!
The number six spot flips over: GLOVES
"Way to go Widow Johnson!" Sam begins to clap excitedly. He reaches behind his brother to slap hands with his future step-grandmother.
Jamie walks back up to the beginning of the Emerson line up. "Three answers still uncovered, Old Fart," she tells Grandpa. "But one more strike and they," she throws a disdainful thumb in the general direction of The Lost Boys. Get the chance to steal."
Grandpa nods and rubs his white braid for luck.
"Name something you'd hate to see fall on the floor during an operation."
"The nurse."
"GOOD ANSWER GRANDPA!" Sam shouts and claps his hands. Widow Johnson and Lucy also clap. Michael is still staring at Jamie Gertz.
"Let's see if it's good enough," Jamie says. "Show me…the nurse!"
BUZZZZ!
Another red "X" appears. It's their third strike.
The Emerson joy quickly deflates.
"Okay Max," Jamie says as she walks across the stage to the opposing podium. "Your family has a chance to steal." She starts at the last spot on the podium.
"Name something you'd hate to see fall on the floor during an operation."
"My weed," Dwayne answers.
"You've got to be kidding me," Jamie looks from him to Executive producers Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul. The pair simply shrug and motion for her to continue the show. So she moves up one spot to Paul.
"Feces," he replies.
The Lost Boys laugh loudly.
"You're disgusting," Jamie tells him. She moves to Marko.
"Condoms," he answers.
"Ugh," Jamie wrinkles her nose at him. She takes a step in front of David. "Name something you'd hate to see fall on the floor during an operation."
David pauses dramatically. Then parts his lips just enough to let a loud belch escape. Jamie fans her face with her hand. "Ewwww," she says with revulsion.
"Blood," David answers wiping the corner of his mouth. "I'd hate to see blood fall on the floor. It would be such a waste."
The Lost Boys all nod in agreement.
"Okay Max," Jamie says to the Head of Household. "As you know your family tried to give some answers and now you can either go with one of their answers or go out on your own."
"Well, Jamie," Max begins. "Before I answer your question, I have a question of my own." He comes around the front of the podium and stands right in front of her. He reaches in his suit pocket and removes a small ring box."
"What the…," Jamie gasps. "What are you doing?"
Max moves his left leg behind him and bends his right leg, beginning to kneel down. Before he can finish there is a loud ppppfffffftttttt sound. Marko has cupped his hand under his armpit imitating a fart.
"Oh geez," Jamie backs a few steps away from Max and covers her nose with the cue cards.
Max's eyes grow large as he glares down his family who are all standing in a row with their hands folded on the podium like angels. He knows that one of them is guilty. And he will find out which one. But the more pressing problem is even though he hasn't proposed – the moment is ruined. So what the hell does he do?
"Would you like to have dinner with me?" Max asks Jamie.
"Oh, I'm very flattered but…," Jamie tries to decline.
"Oh, I insist," Max's voice turns grainy as he transforms. Eyes yellow, fangs drop as he grasps Jamie's thin wrist tightly. He yanks her forward onto his bended knee aiming for her jugular.
"NOOOOOO!" Sam screams as he hurdles the podium.
"SAM!" Lucy cries as she watches her youngest son rush to the aid of Jamie Gertz.
Sam's heart pounds against his chest as he reaches into his pocket and removes a wooden stake. Holding it out in front of him he throws himself against Max, who releases Jamie and she falls to the floor.
"SAM!"
He can hear his mother calling him. But he has a job to do. His forearm flexes as he grips the stake.
"SAM!"
Thrusting forward with all his might he plunges the stake into Max - when a strong hand grips his shoulder.
"SAM! Wake up! You're going to be late for your first day of school." Lucy utters as she releases her son's shoulder to whisk about the room, opening blinds and windows.
Sam's eyes are wide open as he catches his breath. "Mom, I just had the craziest dream. I dreamt we were on a TV game show."
"Again?" his mother comments.
"It was Family Feud and we were…"
"Sam…," Lucyinterrupts as she smiles sympathetically at her son. "I know how much you miss it. But we are not getting a television anytime soon."
"But…," Sam protests.
"Maybe for your birthday," Lucy hints as she exits the room. "Now get dressed. You don't want to miss the bus."
"This sucks," Sam groans as he flops over in his bed. "And to think I killed vampires for her. The least she could do is buy me a damn TV."
Thanks for reading. I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and a Wonderful New Year.