Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Attempt at Making an Interesting Novel

A look at the magical world of Harry Potter, through the eyes of a philosopher who is trying to write a best-seller novel.

This is my first attempt at writing a Harry Potter parody, I hope it's successful =D So, it's just my version of what SHOULD have happened in the book Harry Potter and the Philosopher's (Sorcerer's...) Stone. I will make references to popular media etc. And I am not a real philosopher, in case you are wondering. I DON'T OWN HARRY POTTER ALTHOUGH I REALLY WANT TO!

Chapter 1: The opening Scene Involving Me the Narrator Try to Introduce the Story Properly, With a Few Minor Protagonists Talking and Delivering a Package and Someone Dies

Or

A Cat, a Fat, and a Ho Ho Ho

Doo do do doo, do doo, do doo, do doo, do do doo, do doo… DOO!

Well, that doesn't sounds like theme song for a sweeping, epic novel series like the one I am suddenly imagining, but that's OK, I bet they're going to make a movie series based on my novel, because I am awesome like that. Oh! I forgot to introduce myself. Well, most narrators don't introduce themselves as omniscient, but I am awesome, so I will. I am a philosopher, and I bet you don't know my name (insert winky face here). Well, the protagonist of this novel – a person named Harry Potter – pretty much walked into my head one day. And that's when I started to lose most of my sanity. Well, actually it took a lot of ingenuity to write this story – not really. I made up this takes place in a magical world, so that whenever something really ridiculous happens, I can just say "Blame it on the magic!" or, "It's just something magical!" But you don't know this.

As you can probably see, I'm really bad at introductions, considering I'm an omnipresent narrator. So I'll just start plain and simple with this line: Hello.

Yeah, not the best of lines. I'm not that good at introductions, and you can probably tell because I repeated the same thing twice. So, I guess I'll take a look at my graphic organizer… HM… OK, I need to begin with the setting… OK, sounds all good. Let me try this.

It was a dark and stormy night, not too long ago (actually, pretty long ago, like 25 years… no, 26.) when three strange characters were walking around on Privet Drive, in a small town in England. That's right, my narrative takes place In the UK – LIKE A BOSS! Well, I suppose there could be a few other reasons, but my 'BOSS' reasoning is so much better.

So, three weird people were walking along Privet Drive. One was a cat. One was a fat. And the other… I don't want to tell you. Because it's my choice. So, suddenly, out of the blue, the cat turned into a woman. Yeah, that's right. A cat turning into a woman – how stupid! I know, you are most likely thinking 'The idea of a woman turning into a cat is altogether impossible, improbable, and altogether not an intelligent type of thing to put into a best-selling novel', but I have a good excuse.

It's magic.

Anyway, after the cat turned into a human, dialogue started. Although it wasn't really dialogue because it was betwixt three people, and the prefix 'di' makes it between two people. And that's right, I just used the word betwixt (FOR THE WIN!)

"Oh, why hello there Professor McGonagall! How was your walk over here? Was it wonderful and super special awesome?" said the person of whom I don't want to speak.

"My god, man! You just made a Yu-gi-oh the Abridged Series reference! I never thought you'd master the subtle magical art of parodies, but it seems I have underestimated you," McGonagall continued. In a British accent: "GOOD ON YA MATE!"

The fat frowned, addressing me. "Mr. Narrator, doesn't McGonagall always speak in a British accent? This extensively exhaustively long and boring narrative DOES take place in England; I thought it was just a given."

(Oh, Hagrid. What a stupid person. Yeah, that was Hagrid who spoke. He was a tall and fat giant guy, who stood a few feet above everyone else in a crowd. He had to wear magical shoes to make himself short enough to look normal. And there was this one time… oh sorry, I'm going off on a tangent, but I have to, this is a hilarious side story that might make my story slightly more interesting, considering the state of the narrative right now.

So, one day Hagrid was eating a cupcake and… No, it wasn't a cupcake, it was a cake. It was Dumbledore's birthday, so Hagrid had made him a cake, but he was hungry. So anyway, he was eating Dumbledore's cake when suddenly, out of the slightly pale blue, Dumbledore appeared.

'Goodness!' Dumbledore said.

'DON'T LOOK I AM NOT PROPERLY DRESSED!' yelled Hagrid.

'Hagrid, your belly size has expanded by about 20% from last time I saw you. This is outrageous, all the students are laughing at you and pnching you in the gut to force you to make that cricket-frog type noise you make sometimes. I have no choice, you must lose weight. You're going on the Biggest Loser!'

…

True, that was a pretty boring story. I hope my mommy liked it though, because she has a lot of money that she will give to me if she likes my story. That's right, I live with Mom in my basement, and sometimes we even watch TV together. We have often eaten salad at dinner, and we have also played Super Mario on my Wii. We love each other very much. OK, that makes me sound slightly psychopathic, so I will stop there and continue with the previously started dialogue.)

"Oh, shut up," said the man of whom I won't speak.

"But Dumbledore!" said Hagrid. Oh snap. Fine, the third character is Dumbledore.

"Back to business," said McGonagall. "You brought the package, Hagrid?"

Hagrid smiled and pulled a little baggy with a whitish powdery substance out of his jacket. "Yeah, I got the stuff. You got the money?"

"No, the other package!" said Dumbledore in a frustrated tone, and then suddenly burst out laughing. "Remember that time you went on the Biggest Loser and that woman slapped you in the face?"

McGonagall, who had been sipping from a straw (her beverage being Nestea iced tea), suddenly burst out laughing, saliva and iced tea flying around and hitting Dumbledore squarely in the beard. After that, Dumbledore gave her a stern look and the finger wag (meaning 'YOU FOOL, WHAT WERE YOU DOING? YOU ARE SUCH A NOOB!'), and then tackled Hagrid to the ground, pulling out a package. It was a baby wrapped in tea towels, stuffed into one of Hagrid's interior pockets. The baby screamed and slapped Hagrid in the face.

"I think he lost a few brain cells on the way over," said Hagrid, who grinned sheepishly and ran off into the moonlight, tripping over a mysterious pebble, that had a very long, skinny nose. (warning, any foreshadowing in here is purely coincidental, and not in any way related to the real novel DON'T LISTEN TO HIM HE'S A FAKE!)

Sorry, sometimes my mind controls matter. Mind over matter. Actually, more of mind matter. And if you don't know the symbol, I don't know what to say. Just go to school.

"He is such a fat person," said McGonagall.

"Back to business," said Dumbledore.

McGonagall and Dumbledore walked over to 4 Privet Drive, and deposited the little boy upon the cement – headfirst, if I may add. In that little bump he received, he got a scar. Just kidding. I wanted to make something up so that I didn't have to do any more backstory, but I will just do it later. Dumbledore looked at the score and then said.

"Oh my goodness, it's a sign! I am going to decode it." After much hard work and dedication to the task of deciphering the code, Dumbledore gave up. "Stupid me, that was just my brain exiting my head and flying around the universe and stealing Santa's cookies. MERRY CHRISTMAS!"

And with that, they walked down to Privet Drive, where there was a little girl who was holding a teddy bear. McGonagall quickly transformed into a cat. The little girl went up to Dumbledore.

"SANTA SANTA why are you here? You're a creep you know, if what they sing in the songs is true. You are a first rate pedophile – whatever THAT means."

"You nasty rotten little bugger of a child, I am going to kill you! AVADA KEDAVRA!"

A light came out of Dumbledore's wand, hit the little girl smack-dab in the face, and she fell to the ground dead. McGonagall shrugged.

"LET'S ROLL!"

I hope you enjoyed this first chapter of several, I hope. I'll try and keep this regular, but I also have other fanfics in progress. Tell me if it was good, and if you think I am slightly batty, that's ok!