Author: xfool

Title: The Letter

Disclaimer:  The letter (which has been MAJORLY revised) belongs to the wonderful writers of ER.  The characters belong to CBS and all them even though if I owned them the season would be MUCH better…ahem, anyway…I digress…

Notes:  I read the letter on the ER website and thought that it fit with Harm and Mac…reviews are appreciated; if you like it say so, if you don't like it then tell me nicely- being rude never got anyone anywhere.

PS – all internal thoughts will be in italics

            Mac stood facing her window, watching the lightning streak across the sky.  The wind was violently tossing the trees and the rain came down in angry drops.  God, this storm looks like my life.  Too much violence and anger.  She had returned home from Paraguay the day before and had not left her apartment.  So much had happened, so much had changed and she just didn't want to deal with it.  Her room was dark, the only light provided by the storm's intermittent bursts of lightning.  She was cold, but she didn't move to get a sweater.  She stayed, seeking the comfort of her solitude by the window.  The only constant in her life was Harm.  She wishes it was JAG, but JAG is five days a week and various missions for either the military or CIA. 

            Why is my life so complicated?  Was I wrong to tell Harm that it would never work between us?  If we had tried earlier…then maybe.  Dammit, we were so close.  The baby deal…

            A harsh knocking at her door and the sound of an envelope sliding across the hardwood floor broke her thoughts.  Unwillingly, she went to the envelope.  It seemed to draw her to it.  Her hands were shaking as she opened the fragile package.  She knew it was from him, his familiar handwriting; the curves of the letters that spelled her proper name.  When his lips uttered "Sarah," she felt chills and warm fuzzies all at once.  Her trembling hands opened the tri-folded letter and her heart knew before her head what he was saying.

Dear Sarah,

By the time you read this letter, Clay should be safe in America and you will probably be wondering why I'm not with him. Before you go blaming yourself let me just say, it's not you, it's me - and I know even as I write this that you're going to think that's a breakup cliché, but if you could just try and hold back your judgment - and your condemnation - for a minute, maybe you will actually be able to understand what I'm trying to say. Being here has changed me in ways I never imagined. It put everything in perspective. JAG, dad's death, you. Well, me and you. We just had to work so hard at everything. Too hard, you know? When I think back on our last year together, everything appears hazy, muddled. And in Paraguay, everything is very clear. People are suffering. I can help them. They need me. In a way that you don't.

You're much stronger than you think. You don't need me, Sarah, and I don't think you ever really did. We both know we would work better unfettered. I think that at one point you convinced yourself that I was the right guy for you - reliable and safe, and I don't know, stable - but I don't think that that's what you really want. When we were just friends, it was safe. Maybe we even put each other on pedestals, I don't know. And then when we were finally together, it didn't become what either of us thought it would be. I didn't end up being what you expected, and you didn't end up being…sorry, I'm rambling.

I gave you as much as I could, but it wasn't enough. Clearly, there were a lot of things going on in your life that were more important, understandably. The mission, your feelings. Your life is complicated, and I didn't fit into that mix very well, did I? I tried to help, but then when I needed you…I don't know.

The light is dying. I don't want to waste any more kerosene.

I don't know how long I'm going to end up staying here. Don't wait for me.

I also want to say thank you. You are still one of the most amazing people I know.

Love,
Harmon Rabb, Jr.

            She dropped the letter, hoping he would still be outside.  The door seemed to open on its own and she could see his retreating figure getting in the elevator. 

            "Harm!!! Wait, please…"

So what happens?  Review to find out.  Next chapter should be soon!  Thanks for reading!