On the tall, uncut grass surrounding the dilapidated old school building, two boys who were very out-of-place were rustling in the brush.
From their current position, the school's stylish glass front doors could be clearly seen. "Delta 1 here. I'm in position. Do you copy, over. Chk." Matsuda peeked out in a camo suit and branches stuck to his ears.
Literally right next to him, Motohama broke out of the undergrowth. He was similarly clothed. "This is Delta 2. Copy that, over. Chk." They were making fake radio transmission noises with their mouths.
They were men on a mission. A mission unlike any other. A truly brave and dangerous mission that-
"Hey, shut up, narrator!" Matsuda rudely interrupted the well-intentioned author.
"Yeah dumb-ass, don't blow our cover!" Motohama had a good point.
But what was this important task they were on?
"Hehehehe. There's only one reason why we've got ants in our pants." Matsuda hinted at something devious.
"Can we hurry this up? They're starting to bite at some weird places!" Motohama was about to be in for a world of hurt.
"All right, fine. See those stinkin' lovebirds over there near the south wall?" Matsuda pointed to a couple having some private time away from most prying eyes. "They're making out all hard-like and we're gonna catch them going even further. After reviewing the data alone in the dark for a few weeks, we'll blackmail them for money. Serves those damn couples right!"
"Yowch! MY BALLS!" Motohama felt the debilitating sting of Asian fire ants on his family jewels. "Get 'em offa me, man!" In his panicked state, he tried to run and jump to get rid of the pain.
"What the hell? Hey, don't come this way! NOOOOOO!" Matsuda and his partner in crime rolled down the hill together, leading to the building, while yelling and screaming the whole way down. Naturally, this alerted and scared off their intended targets.
Bitten, beaten and bruised, the two nutjobs learned a very important lesson: Never interrupt the author.
"Aw man..." Matsuda sighed, thinking about their failed mission the day before.
"Don't give up hope, bro. We're in this together." Motohama's words contrasted his slumped stature and bandaged appearance.
"I dunno, man. We've been at this for so long and we still don't have girlfriends or nothin'." Matsuda's spirits were in bad shape.
"Maybe if we actually tried to be respectable members of society instead of being out for our own short-sighted greed and the misery of others, that wouldn't be a problem." Motohama and his friend pondered their situation for a long few seconds.
"Nah!" They denied reality in unison, and went to initiate Plan Provert, also known as Plan "P". When all else fails, peep for the good stuff.
"Hey, you wanna catch the kendo girls changing again? That never gets old." Matsuda suggested their go-to spot.
"You know it, brother!" Motohama high-fived him. "Too bad Issei never peeps with us anymore. He's off with his own harem full of hot chicks."
"The bastard, damn him. Well, speak of the devil. Look who it is!" Matsuda pointed to the man himself coming to the school grounds with his sexy entourage.
Motohama was ready to deliver the barrage. "Damn you, Pissei! Get over here so I can punch your stupid face!"
Matsuda had to hold him back. "Calm down dude, it ain't worth it. He's transcended us mere mortals and walks among the angels now." Surprisingly pretty accurate, but they wouldn't yet know.
Motohama was huffing and puffing. "Shit... You're right. Let's forget about him and just enjoy the view." He was already thinking about their favorite 'subjects'.
A female voice surprised them from behind. "And just what kind of view are you talking about?"
The two dudes turned around. The chick was Murayama! And she was with her usual partner, Katase.
Katase dashed their dreams. "The Kendo club isn't even practicing today, dumb-asses."
Matsuda fell on his dumb ass. "W-We weren't thinking about peeping, w-who would do that?"
Motohama pushed up his glasses and calculated a cool-headed response. "There's nothing wrong with enjoying the green grass and flowering trees. A perfect mirror of my pure soul."
The girls' weren't impressed. Murayama was running out of patience. "Honestly, you guys... We fend you off every week! Just give it a rest already."
Katase went further. "Or do you want us to use real swords instead?"
Matsuda flipped to his knees and begged for his sorry life. "Spare me, please! I've got 10 kids that I haven't made yet and a wife I don't have to make 'em with!"
Murayama crossed her arms. "Maybe if you actually tried to be respectable members of society instead of being-"
Motohama interrupted her. "Nah, we said "no" to that boring bullshit already."
"I think I have grandpa's sword in the club lockers somewhere." Katase was about to get it.
Matsuda choked through his tears of fear. "N-No, please! I beg you!" He grabbed onto her legs. "We just need some guidance, I swear! Use your smooth, creamy thighs to help us!" He subconsciously rubbed his cheeks into her softness.
"Ugh, get off me, you creep!" Katase tried in vain to push him away.
Motohama's quick thinking gave him an idea. "Yes... Yes that's it, just some guidance, and we'll be well on our way to becoming upstanding citizens."
Murayama seemed somewhat pleased. "I've been waiting to hear that! We at the Kendo club offer the guidance you're looking for and the discipline to follow it. The truth is, we've been losing members, in no small part due to your constant shenanigans. Join the club and we won't cut your balls off."
"Deal!" The dastardly duo didn't hesitate to agree in unison.
M&M were walking to school the very next day.
"Man." Matsuda yawned. "I can't believe we got roped into joining their stupid club."
Motohama agreed. "Yeah. It sucks. But you know what?"
Matsuda was picking his nose. "Huh?" He remained aloof.
Motohama grabbed his shoulder. "The club's full of chicks! And even better, they'll all be changing while we're changing. And even better still, there's no separate changing rooms!"
"Whoa, for real?" Matsuda came back to earth. "Hell yeah, we're gonna see some tittays!"
"All part of the master plan." Motohama's glasses glinted ominously.
Towards the end of the school day, M&M were done bullshitting with Issei and planning their world domination (which was just around the corner, like every day). They were already planning to head to the club dojo when the girls came to fetch them.
"Hello, boys." Murayama was in her club gear already.
So was Katase. "Ready to get your butts kicked again?"
"Hehe, no need to chaperone us, girls. We wouldn't miss our first day of drowning in puss-UGH!" Matsuda took a blow to the gut.
"What my honored and grateful compatriot here would like to say is that we would never bring shame upon our names by skipping out on our word." Motohama played the infallible diplomat.
"Whatever." Katase was not impressed. "Just get your asses to the club. We've prepared your gear for you."
"And your isolated changing rooms as well." Murayama didn't forget the most important consideration.
"I-Isolated?" Matsuda was shocked to the very core. "But... But... The tittays..." He fell to his knees.
Motohama did not despair. He knelt beside his friend and whispered. "Fear not, comrade. There is light at the end of this tunnel. We must first earn trust, then reap the rewards."
Still shaking somewhat, the words did get through to Matsuda. "You are right, brother." He grasped the outstretched arm. "Together, our dreams cannot be shattered."
"That's the spirit! You must believe! Believe that we'll get these ho ho ho's to sit on our north poles until there truly is a white Christmas!" Motohama shouted to the heavens.
They were knocked out by the girls standing five feet away from them. When they woke up again, their backs were on the hardwood floor of the kendo dojo.
"M-Matsuda..." Motohama croaked.
"I'm alive." Matsuda coughed hard. "Barely."
"Not for long." Katase stood over them with the entire kendo club at the ready.
Murayama stepped forward. "Your regimen of discipline... begins now!"
"NOOOOOOOOOO!" M&M discovered just how long and painful that tunnel to freedom was.