Edited 16/10/11 for clarity. Written for the Phoenix Wright Kink Meme. Anon wanted "Edgeworth develops a valerian tea habit, views it as a weakness, and goes to ridiculous measures to hide it. Bonus points for other characters noticing a change in his temperament." I wanted to experiment with Edgeworth, so several days later, here you are.
Edgeworth's Greatest Plan Ever
by icecreamlova
- : -
It's absolutely Ambassador Palaeno's fault.
He's sitting in the office, wondering just how far the Office has fallen that ten files are piled on his desk and more appearing daily, when his eye falls on the small cardboard box. It's just lying there... so innocent... it doesn't really fit in his office, but Miles Edgeworth hasn't had the heart to throw it away.
Ambassador Palaeno offered it as a way to relax.
He's too well bred to spit out the valerian tea when he tries it, but it's a close thing, and he freezes in horror at the scent that fills the room.
Then he takes another sip.
Only later does he wonder how long he'll be able to keep the embarrassing habit quiet.
- : -
Plan A: Not Just A River in Egypt
Sometimes, Miles Edgeworth isn't sure why he, quite seriously, hasn't fired Detective Gumshoe.
They're at the crime scene, and supposed to be going over Gumshoe's testimony, as finicky and unreliable as Miles Edgeworth finds his admirer, but the meeting is derailed when Detective Gumshoe takes a sudden, irrelevant detour.
"Do you smell that?" Gumshoe asks, sniffing the air like a curious puppy.
Edgeworth blinks. "If you've finished being distracted..."
"I swear, Mr. Edgeworth!" protests Detective Gumshoe - not that he particularly deserves the title. "It's like visiting an herb store, or that Yew woman's perfume. It's everywhere!"
Shaking his head, Edgeworth sighs. "I suppose you're going to say the victim worked at a perfume department?"
"Well, actually..."
'I don't believe this,' thinks Edgeworth. "Go get some sleep, Detective. You're clearly hallucinating."
Ridiculous.
- : -
"I'm pretty sure I'm not hallucinating," says Gumshoe the next day, salary down five percent and looking it.
Miles breaks off from his discussion with Franziska over another smuggling ring, this time about cocoons; both stare at the detective.
Franziska says to Edgeworth, "What an interesting greeting."
Miles shakes his head. "Maybe he lacks some of the necessary components in his diet..." He pauses, remembers that that's his fault for cutting Gumshoe's salary so much, but doesn't retract the statement. "Herbs? What on earth would they be doing here?"
"Detective," says Franziska, wagging a smug finger in Gumshoe's direction. "Miles Edgeworth and herbs? Next you'll be accusing him of being a closet Steel Samurai fan."
"That's right," Edgeworth says neutrally. "It is clearly a ridiculous theory and should not be propagated."
He feels like the Steel Samurai poster hidden in the drawer is glaring at him, saying, 'Traitor,' and shuts up, worried for his sanity.
- : -
"You spent all afternoon at a flower shop to find flowers for Miss Oldbag?" asks Pearl Fey, with the widest eyes he's ever seen.
Er...
"What makes you think that?" asks Edgeworth.
She looks confused. "You just said that."
Note to self: must keep mouth shut in case the person doesn't even ask about why he smells of herbs.
"I knew you liked her!" cries Pearl. "Now just wait for me to get her..."
She's off before he can open his mouth to call her back; it scares him more that he doesn't know if he WOULD have called her back, even if he could talk.
- : -
Plan A: Pretend I do not smell like herbs.
Verdict: Failure
- : -
Plan B: I Smell Nothing
"What's that in your pocket?" asks Trucy Wright, who has a bit too much of her adopted father's keen eyes in her.
He bought it on a whim (gaining strange looks, or dreamy sighs, from the shopkeeper and other customers) but wasn't sure he was going to use it until now.
It's a point of no turning back. Like white pills, or jumping off a cliff, or the rope snapping taunt around someone's neck as they tumble toward the earth. He shouldn't be doing this.
"Is that why you smell so... pleasant?" asks Trucy.
Miles Edgeworth says, "You like my perfume?"
He wishes he could fall through the floor.
She nods vigorously. "Where'd you get it from?"
He tells her.
"Daddyyyy!" she calls, before Edgeworth could stop her. "Can we get some too?"
"Get what?" Wright is reasonably confused.
"Perfume," trills Trucy.
Okay, NOW he wishes he could fall through the floor.
- : -
"The Prosecution will refrain from knocking out the defense."
The judge and the prosecutor both eye the unconscious defense attorney.
'Really,' Miles thinks privately, 'what sort of man can't go through the equivalent of the women's perfume department? It's not THAT bad.'
Larry just stares at him in disbelief when Miles relates the sentiment.
- : -
'I will make Lana look at me and I won't be gay like Edgey,' Miles reads.
It continues, 'Well, he's never come out and said it but what sort of straight man wears perfume, and he's never told - stop hitting me, Lana! He TOLD me he went through the entire perfume department to find it.'
Edgeworth puts down the transcript of Larry Butz's cell phone call and wonders if he should just let his childhood friend hang.
- : -
Plan B: Hide the smell of Valerian Herbs with perfume
Verdict: Failure
- : -
Plan C: Excuses, Excuses
Kay visits the office, in between her chats with Ema Skye and his foster-sister. It takes him by surprise. He looks around, unrecognizably wild-eyed, and chucks the box into the first place he can think of. It doesn't stop her from noticing.
"Aww..." she drawls, "what would Ambassador Palaeno think if he knew his well-intended gift ended up in the trash?"
"He would be completely understanding and offer me brochures instead. On second thought," he muses, "why don't you get it out for me?"
"Sure thing, Mr. Edgeworth," she smiles at him.
He reminds himself that there's nothing in the trash but shredded paper. Nothing but shredded paper.
- : -
"It's for Franziska," he says, the first thing he can think of.
Wright frowns at him suspiciously, his hand in his pocket. "Okay..."
What he doesn't know is that Wright is eyeing the chains and thinking: damn, I wish I had evidence on me.
- : -
His supply of tea from the ambassador runs out, and, despite his desperate craving, he doesn't think he'll be able to get any.
"No, I really hate valerian tea," he assures Pearl, cornered on the way home from the supermarket. "I can't stand the thing. But I thought you might like some."
Pearl eyes it thoughtfully. "Well..."
She looks a little shy, he thinks, so he adds, "I heard that winters at Hazakura get very cold."
"I'm sure Miss Iris and Sister Bikini would like some," she says in a very small voice. "And since you don't like it..."
He goes home empty-handed, and spends the night wondering if anyone would catch him if he went shopping again, and knowing he would waste his money yet again.
Oh, what he wouldn't give for more valerian tea from Cohdopia.
- : -
When he wakes up in hospital, there are many concerned faces staring down at him.
It takes him a few moments to gather what happened; a prisoner he put in jail had a very good friend who was very good with a gun, and the friend found him on the way to the courthouse, and that's why his shoulder hurts so badly. (This is what Franziska must have felt like.)
A few at a time, people drift away, until Pearl Fey is left. She winks slyly at him. "There's someone I know you've wanted to see coming."
For a moment he winces, already anticipating a scolding about his inferiority or a slash of pain, but the door opens, and -
Edgeworth wants to scream.
She notices. "What's with that long face, Edgey-poo?"
Pearl Fey's bouncing again. "I remembered how you said you were buying flowers for her," she says, "so I invited her. I wanted to make you comfortable." The puppy-dog eyes makes Edgeworth swallow down any sharp retort. "You don't mind that I arranged your gifts, right?"
"Of course not," Edgeworth assures her.
A frown creases Pearl's brow, and she stops bouncing. "I don't think your friends know you very well," she says.
"Why's that?"
She shrugs. "You got a package from an amber... Am... ambassador! He said he was your friend, but all he got you was a block of valerian tea! I know how much you hate it, so I threw it away, so don't worry, Mr. Edgeworth."
- : -
Plan C: I have valerian tea, but I don't actually like it
Verdict: Failure
- : -
Franziska arrives just in time to hear her little brother start shouting, and thinks that the red of his face can't possibly be healthy.
- : -
END
R & R, please