This is for Emily (Blade Liger Master). Monday, 9/18/06, you turn 15. I wrote you a Birthday present, but not just for the happy day. Also for all the art you've drawn, from Storm to Axis and Tyrant and sulky Strife. So I hope this fic somewhat pleases you. :
Everyone else, ok. R&R if you want. Flame if you want. I don't care. But this a present, so watch your comments. Or the STD will eat you and set fire to your bones.
Enjoy, you peoples.
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Chink.
The gun was loaded. Its sleek white tubes glinted in the pale light from the millions of blazing stars. Wrapped around her shoulder to waist and back, where hundreds of long white items. The girl let out a breath she wasn't holding as a single bead of sweat dripped down the side of her head. This was it. Life and death. She would walk out of here still a girl, or a women.
Boo.
Dragon Koradaku screamed and jumped a foot in the air. A second later, a wave of Tampons came flying at her. No! Too slow! She couldn't counterattack! Time for Plan B!
Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!
Dragon sped down the hall of the Apocalypse Team Base, dozens of period protectors flinging and bouncing along the walls. The young teen's multicolored bangs blocked her view, and she hurriedly swiped them away as she pointed the gun over her shoulder.
"I AM BECOME DEATH! FEAR MY TAMPONS!" She yelled her battle cry. The hall was filled with flying Tampons, some lit with fire. After a few dozen had left her gun barrel, Dragon fled and hid in her room, which had conveniently appeared down the hall. Dragon quickly locked the door, then slumped onto her bed.
The "Tampon Warz" were fun. Dragon and Emily against Axis and Phantom. Dragon hoped Emily was safe, and that her blonde friend hadn't been killed via Tampons. She would have to find her, so the teen pilot flicked out a small Walkie Talkie from her pocket.
Axis. He ambushed her. Axis was Dragon's nasty flaming Organoid, he and Phantom could produce the flaming Tampons of un-happy things. Phantom was a silver Organoid that belonged to Emily, and she could be just as nasty.
Dragon held down the button, praying that Emily hadn't been Tampon'd.
"This is Dragon to Emily. Dragon to Emily, do you read? Over." Dragon said into the small device.
A painful moment followed, and Dragon fingered her Tampon Gun.
"Emily to Dragon, I read you. Over." Came the reply.
Dragon smiled. Good, she was alright. "What's your status and position? Over." Dragon asked.
"I'm getting low. But I hit Phantom pretty good. I'm trapped in the Hanger, and I have about six Tampons left. Over." Emily answered.
"I'll bring you a new carton. Over." Dragon finished, turning the device off. She got up from her bed and walked to the nearby bathroom, hunting around until she found four cartons of Tampons.
Why they were here, who knew? Dragon uses pads.
Filling up her own holder, Dragon shoved the rest in her pockets. Now, how to get to the Hanger? Running down the hall would be risky with Axis patrolling them. Hm, there was that large glass window that overlooked the Hanger…
…
"AAAAAAAHHHHHH!"
Dragon screamed as she barreled through the glass, plunging toward the hard, cold, painful floor of the Base. Luckily, for sake of the fic, Zoid bedding had been placed there. Dragon slammed into the soft stuff, flipping onto her back and gasping for air.
No! Wait, I'm in enemy territory! Shit, shit! Ruuuuun!
Dragon ran across the Hanger, screaming like a chicken with its head cut off. Various Zoids looked up, then rolled their optics with obvious boredom. It was only fun when the Tampons were flying. Dragon head-ducked behind her Gul Tiger, General Lee. The orange feline would provide some needed protection from hostile fire. Pulling out the Walkie Talkie, Dragon pressed the button and called for Emily.
"I'm by Matrix, are you here yet?" She asked.
Dragon rolled her eyes. "Say over, damnit. Over."
"Pah, it wastes breath. Why bother saying it?"
"Because, it makes us sound badass. Over." Dragon snapped. Then the armed teen crawled on her belly across the floor, toward the angsty black Berserk Fury that was Matrix.
-Some important room for fic plotting-
I scored Dragon some. You? Axis asked, bending his spiked head to look down at the smaller, silver Organoid. Phantom grinned and twitched her tail.
Nailed Emily pretty good. Time to restock, though. Phantom opened the panels on her chest, the many cords and wires flinging out cartons of Tampons. The two Organoids restocked, making sure both gun and holder were filled.
Dragon runs faster since Emily has low stamina. Axis pointed out, recalling the way Dragon sped across the hall.
But Emily has a temper. And unlike Dragon, she doesn't bite Phantom answered. She had gotten too close to Dragon, and the snarling teen went totally feral on her. So it was decided that Axis would track Dragon while Phantom scouted Emily.
The two Organoids tramped into the hall, guns held awkwardly. Actually, its amazing had three short claws could hold and fire the gun. Side by side, the two kept a close lookout for either pilot. Not like they would be anywhere near the Organoids. Giant metal talons weren't best for sneaky attacks.
Let's try the Hanger. Plenty of room to hide among the Zoids. Axis suggested. Phantom nodded, and she vanished into the wall. Axis stood there for a moment, still wondering how on Zi she could do that.
-Zoid Hanger-
Ha! I made it! I so deserve some Steak Sauce. Argh, after this war, I'm drinking every bottle.
Dragon handed a carton of Tampons to Emily Cirano. The blonde fighter took them gratefully, loading up every empty pocket in her holder.
How long is this going to go on? Matrix rumbled, glaring down at the two pilots. The Fury didn't enjoy getting hit by Tampons. If one cottony white object bounced off his head, the world would end.
And if Strife, the evil emo glowy Brastle Tiger even saw a Tampon fly by, the world would end fifty times over.
Dragon craned her neck to look at the glowing blob of Strife. The Tiger was lying on the floor, optics twitching to look around. Tampon watch, no doubt. With both guns locked and loaded, Dragon and Emily tiptoed out from behind Matrix, bent down and breathing quietly.
5…
4…
3…
2…
1…
ROAR! Phantom flung herself from the ceiling, "Holy Flaming Tampons, Batman!" bombing the air.
"Enemy Fire! Counterattack!" Emily yelled. "Take this you bat!" And a storm of white objects covered the Base. The various Zoids crawled out of the way and resumed normal conversations. Suddenly, there was a burst of fire. Axis appeared, hovering on flaming wings. Emily squeaked, dodging more of the flaming Tampons o' doom.
"TAMPON GRENADE! SEIG HEIL!" Dragon yelled, pulling a green object from her pocket. She pulled a shaft of metal from the top, then threw it into the air. Phantom's optics grew wide and Axis gulped.
OH SHIT, RUN! He yelled, wings flapping. Phantom needed no order, her own bat wings pumping madly.
Dragon turned to run, Emily following. Time slowed to a crawl as the grenade exploded in a blizzard hurricane of Tampons. The two female pilots dived for cover behind Tabris, Dragon's white Genosaurer. The Geno looked up with curious optics as Tampons bombed his face. With a slight growl, he saw Dragon and Emily peek out from his front claws.
Axis and Phantom lay on the floor, looking utterly defeated. Hundreds of Tampons covered their metal bodies, almost burying them alive. Cautiously, Dragon and Emily neared the two Organoids.
Danger! Danger! Run! Ruuuuuuun!
Dragon shook the annoying thought from her head, then jabbed Axis with her gun barrel.
Fum! Fumfumfumfum!
"They live!" Dragon yelped, sprinting across the Hanger with Emily on her heels. Axis grunted and got up, but saw that he had scored Dragon. The flaming beast grinned.
Oy. How the hell does she get a grenade? Phantom grumbled, shaking Tampons from her wings. Axis shrugged and took to the air, seeking out the hiding pilots.
-The Hanger's Emo corner-
"Will this work?" Emily asked bluntly. Dragon gave a cheerful nod and went back to shoving Tampons into a large machine gun. The owner of the gun snarled, the four thick wheels turning back and forth.
Finally, the gun was fixed and loaded with over 400 flaming Tampons. Dragon nodded, and slapped the monster's side.
"Go get 'em, Emperor." She said proudly.
With a massive roar, the champion Hummer roared out of the corner, using Organoid radar to find his prey. Dragon and Emily followed, screaming and waving their guns. The rust colored car sped into the center of the Hanger, instantly locking onto Phantom, who was hovering a few meters away.
But she grinned. Emily blinked, then leveled the gun at her Organoid.
"Alright you pest, give up." She said. Dragon nodded, but felt a pang of worry. Where was Axis?
Emperor snarled and raised his gun to the 'noid when something else snarled in return. Dragon gulped. Oh no, oh no no no!
Riku.
Riku was Dragon's silver Shadow Fox. He has a Vulcan. A big Vulcan that can fire four shells a second. Or in this case, four Tampons a second. The huge silver Fox strode into view, his Vulcan filled with Tampons. Emily frowned. Dragon was mentally cursing the world.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Flaming Tampons from all directions came firing at them, exploding into the floor and causing a huge mess. Emperor rotated his own Vulcan behind him, firing off Tampons at the Fox behind them. Axis had appeared, flying overhead as he fired. Dragon looked up, countering with her own Tampons of flying fury.
Need help? This stupid fight of yours is keeping me from sleep.
Emily looked, grinning gratefully as her Energy Liger stepped into view. Abbyssion growled and flicked his tail. A second later, Tampons hit Riku head-on. The Fox could fire four per second, but Abby could eight. With a massive, bone-breaking roar, the Liger bombarded Riku. Yelping, the Fox doubled back, using his superior maneuverability to fight back.
Armed with the Liger, Dragon and Emily let out shrill battle cries and unloaded their guns at Phantom and Axis. The Organoids responded with a flurry of Tampons, but had to back away as Emperor came storming in with guns blazing.
Fall back! Call the others! Axis roared. Phantom nodded, then sent a glob of purple fire behind her. Instantly, more Zoids appeared.
Emily's Saber Tiger, Konig Wolf, and Gun Sniper came into view, grinning. Nightmare, the Tiger, was loaded with Tampons. Lady, the Wolf, was in Sniper Mode, her Tampon Missiles ready. Trigger, the Sniper, was freakin' armed to the Core.
"Eep" Dragon squeaked. But then, reassuring thuds behind her came. Fenrir the King Baron and Mako, in Panzer Mode were there, just as filled with Tampons. The whole Base knew Fenrir and Mako were the most explody Zoids around.
Screams, cries, roars, snarls, barks, yells, and Nazi sounds of war filled the Base as the two sides charged, Tampons falling and blasting. Dragon couldn't see, just ran kicking and screaming in the fray. Emily howled in rage, diving across the floor to do a Tampon Matrix.
-Quite a few hours later-
Dragon sighed. Beside her, Emily slumped backward. The whole Hanger was filled with Tampons and Zoids. But victory was theirs. Dragon Koradaku and Emily Cirano had won. Sprawled on the floor, lay Axis and Phantom. Totally and utterly exhausted, they were hit too hard from the Tampons.
But the war was over.
Riku dragged himself off to the side, muttering. Abbyssion curled up for some sleep, shaking Tampons from his finny bits. Fenrir and Mako were cleaning up, assisted by Trigger and Nightmare. Lady had gone to the Emo corner.
Emperor purred as Dragon patted his front tire. "Such a good Hummer you are! Yus you are." She cooed, hugging the car's hood. Emily chuckled, then pulled a cottony object from her hair.
-More hours later-
Axis growled, signing his name in lopped claw writing on the truce paper. Then he shifted it over to Phantom, who did the same. Dragon and Emily grinned, then looked over the paper.
By losing the Tampon War of today, we hereby agree to hang up our guns for the time being. If we touch the Tampon Guns, then Strife has every right to eat our brains and stomp our bodies. We also agree that Dragon Koradaku and Emily Cirano are the Superior wielders of Tampons.
For siding with the enemy, the following Zoids are punished and banished to the scary dark room of the hanger.
Riku the Shadow Fox
Lady the Konig Wolf
Nightmare the Saber Tiger
Trigger the Gun Sniper
For helping Dragon and Emily in their time of need, the following get a medal for risking their lives during this terrible war.
Emperor the Hummer
Abbyssion the Energy Liger
Fenrir the King Baron
Mako the Liger Zero
Axis and Phantom growled in unison, then trotted off, placing their guns on the table as they left. Dragon rolled up the truce as Emily took out the precious "Golden Tampons". The two friends hiked back to the Hanger.
"For picking us over sleep. We award you with this Golden Tampon." Emily said, placing it next to Abbyssion. The Liger stared blankly at it.
"For using your massive firepower and endless courage to assist us when we were outnumbered." Dragon awarded, giving a Tampon to Fenrir and then Mako. The two Zoids purred and looked proudly at their medal.
"For being the first to help us. Risking tire and pointy bit to help us. All Hail Emperor!" Dragon and Emily said, placing the final Golden Tampon on the Hummer. The vehicle roared in power and thanks.
Together, the two pilots walked back across the Hanger, thinking back to their honorable win. Tampons still littered the floor, but it would be days until every cottony period protector was thrown out. Now, the only worry was Axis or Phantom burning the two pilots while they slept.
But unknown to the pilots, Phantom was latched to the ceiling. Her claws held a bigger, stronger, faster weapon. A weapon that would trounce the puny Tampon, and strike a win for the Organoids. Phantom snorted and flexed her bat wings, looking at the other side of the Hanger. Axis was there, grinning like no tomorrow as he leveled his own gun at the two pilots.
Chink.
"Look out!" Emily yelled, grabbing Dragon's shoulder and pulling her backward. The teen yelped and stumbled, but managed to catch herself before she fell. The two looked around the ceiling, but the snipers were gone.
"D-Dragon? Look." Emily stammered, pointing at the object. Dragon gulped and looked at it, then felt her blood run cold.
It was a condom.
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A/N: Ha-ha. Good ending, no:
Dragon is owned by me. She owns the Zoids she mentioned, while Emily is owned by BLM, along with said Zoids. I don't own Tampons or condoms. I own Axis, she owns Phantom. I also don't own Zoids, but Tomy does.
This fic came to be when Emily found a comic on DA. It featured a Tampon Gun. So we made our own little joke about it, and I wrote this. No, I didn't take the artist's idea, just the gun (which is real). Yus, this fic is kinda short, but I wanted to get it to Emily in time. Yah, its a day early. Oh well. Mondays such for me and I wouldn't have time.
Hope you other people who read enjoyed it somewhat. I'm not good at crack humor, and I started this at 4 in the morning on Saturday, when my mind works best. Yus, it is short. But I didn't want it 20 pages long or something.
Love and STDs from FDT.