Otabek doesn't rememember the last time he has been honest with himself; its all blurs and colours on the canvas on his mind, and when he looks, albiet there in absoloutness, it is covered in a shadow that lurks at the corners of his peripheral. He tries though, sometimes. He often stands in front of the mirror and asks himself what he wants -- and he knows very well that in his mind there is figure skating, but his heart is harder to understand. it's all a tumble of mess and shells of things he cannot quite figure out, and thats frustrating. He doesnt know where to look to learn, and that coaxes feelings that he did not know he could feel.
The skater supposes though, its best not to understand. They tell him your heart is fragile, it works different than your mind. They say, it takes time not mindfulness, and that there is no place to look to understand. But he wants to understand, and he wants to understand now -- but its all in a forgein language and the faster he learns the faster it changes.
People come and go and teach him things to help. It is relationships that mold the heart, they tell him. So he induldges himself with lovers and surrounds himself with flimsy friendships he's sure would waver if he were to sit them through a storm. The lovers are all sweet and romantic and end with goodnight kisses, and strokes and caresses' of the face -- the friends are fun, lively although a little fake at times and then suddenly his heart knows what it wants. It wants them -- and he knows it, now, but it isnt enough. The lovers become less frequent and he doesn't see his friends as often, because why bother when it's all untrue? He doesn't want to involve himself in false endeavours, its a waste of the soul.
So he waits. He doesn't want love he wants friendship -- because he knows that lasts. But he's shy, a little nervous too, and isn't too good at pursuing things. Otabek decides to shift back to his mind, focous on what he knows and wait. Wait for what, he is unsure -- but he knows he should wait. So when he see's the kitten with the heart of a tiger, he knows he's been patient long enough. They don't talk, it is more an exchanging of words before class and a grunt on the smaller boys part (who he learns in due time is Yuri). Otabek is fascinated how he dances and swears to himself to get on his level.
He doesn't talk to Yuri after that. They've got different classes and Yuri already has friends, so Otabeck doesn't try and talk to him. Soon its time for him to leave; he's learned what he needs to know and he doubts he'll ever see Yuri again. They strive for different things and work towards other targets, so he accepts it and leaves without a goodbye.
So come a few years later, Otabek has given up on chasing after things he does not know, and Yuri is all tough and bright-eyed and knows how to get what he wants. They meet again but Yuri knows nothing about Otabek -- he introduces himself with a flick of his wrist and that golden hair he'd kept falls over his shoulders in such a graceful manner that Otabek questions his own hair a little. At the time, Otabeck didn't understand why he grinned so largely his face hurt, or why he was so compelled to get to know this version of Yuri better, but he didn't question it.
Afterall, the hardest part is understanding.
I wish i owned Yuri!!! On ice, but i dont. Sorry. Enjoy the little short story. This ones been in the corner of my mind awhile, so here you go.