Authors note:
I'm sorry this isn't Eclipse, but I'm having a bit of trouble with it (maybe an understatement). This is all I could get out of me, sorry. Reciprocate's story left me wanting to try first person for myself, so inspiration comes from him. If you haven't already, check out his story 'Frustrations' (which in itself was inspired by MythicWolf04's story so...).
I'll try finish it soon, alongside Despondence Ch2 (maybe) and the rest of my endlessly growing ongoing stories (oops).
What do you see on the horizon?
Is there something beyond the sunrise?
Maybe what you saw there was a dream...
Muddled purple staring back at me, awash in a haze. I dragged my finger from my lower lid down to my cheek, observing the orb. The same as usual; ugly. A faint twitch at this realisation, nearly unnoticeable.
Not the only thing, either. This spartan room surrounding me held nothing back. A new bed wouldn't hurt. It's all so boring; monochromatic colours splayed with a lack of concern or thought. And yet I find myself here every day, laying on this same exact bed, exact same position, staring at the gentle hue of my phone.
And it hurts all the same. My stomach churns, twisting itself as I'm forced to curl up. 10:47. It's mocking me. There's still more than an hour left. It's dragging. Though, when doesn't it?
My teeth clenched, a long huff escaping it's confines. The phone lost on the floor somewhere as I flop onto my back, staring at the star-lit ceiling; at least that's a better way to think of it than dirty. The incessant beating beating against my chest slows, alongside the flow of pain.
It's getting darker. A cold breeze bitterly reminds me once again that I'm all alone. My eyes strain just to keep open. I really should sleep, but if I do I'll miss it. I can't fall asleep...
Shit! I open my eyes quickly, forcing myself to stare at the ceiling. Anything will do, I just have to stare. A lone star twinkling...
They blink open once again...
And again...
And again...
But not again.
What's wrong? What's with that look? Do you think you did nothing wrong?
Focus on the others; those who are leaving. A lack of communication caused this. Miscommunication.
Will you join them? Why are you scared?
What are you? The identity of a lost child; Do you not feel the urge to look? Can you blame them?
A pathetic excuse of don't get close doesn't work. Closed emotions can't protect you.
What do you want?
Acknowledgement? Love; from whom? The lingering fear won't help you. You're not even helping yourself. That bubbling apprehension, unease, stress, longing won't leave until you move.
Can you blame them?
Deafening silence. Fuck. Where is it? It's still dark. Bed? No. Pillow? No.
Floor. Ugh. I lean over, dragging my hand against the frozen floor. Please! It collides with plastic, grasping and dragging it back up quickly.
(Good morning!)
But it's midnight... A crumbling smile fights against me, and I'm glad for that.
[oh, hey — my claws tacking against the screen struggling as always — How are you? — no, what the hell am I thinking? Delete. — Got anything planned for today? — no, too weird. It hurts again. My hearts nagging can wait, damn it! Delete. — How a- — ugh, fuck it, I'll leave it as is.]
(Just hey? Man, how cold.) The red warning signals all over my face flaring in response.
My hands are shaking...
[I suppose you want some predictable stuff like "how are you?", yeah?]
(Perfect!) Ending off with one of those yellow faced... Thingies. It's laughing; or crying? (I'm good. What time is it over there?)
[8. Just got out of the shower]
(Huh? I was pretty sure it'd be around 12 where you are, though.) My face contorts downwards, heart beating faster once again.
[if you knew, why ask?] I fucked up. I lied, and he knows. Why did I try abuse his trust?
(You should get some sleep.) But then I'd miss my opportunity to talk to you... (I'll talk to you in the morning, ok?) Just a bit longer, please.
[you got any plans for today?]
(Wolf, you can't keep staying up like this. I care about you.) Those stinging words hurt my throbbing heart. How unfair.
(No, so I'll be free to talk later, okay?) A trickle of blood running down from my lip, soon realising that I was biting on it. As sad as I am, I can't stop my tail from wagging.
I don't know if he's telling the truth, but I resign to my fate anyway. [ok, talk to you later, fox]
[I lo-] Delete... I can't...
(Thank you. Love you, Wolf.) My heart skips a beat. Why am I scared? I shouldn't be like this, he's my boyfriend damn it...
[love you too] I set my trembling phone down as the screen turns black. I try to ignore my vision blurring, the wet sensation on my face. A noise which can only be described as a whine can be heard, and I'm disgusted in myself.
I wish he was here. I wish I was there. When is he going to be finished? I don't even care about being pardoned, I just want to see him. How long does it take? Do they hate me that much?
Can I honestly blame them?
These emotions are shining. Brilliant. Brilliant just like you. You're all I admire.
The world is bitter, but when I'm with you it's sweet. It's so far and few between, but even so it gets me through. I just want to tell you "I love you", and yet I can't do it alone. I can't do anything alone.
How far should I take this. Nobody is here to tell me. Even if I only wanted to hear it, I'd better forget it, to not believe it.
It's impossible, but I just want to stay in that sweet world for eternity.
Just standing here reminds me of our first meeting; war excluding, of course. I just want to forget those days. The sun's beaming, quite similar to how I'm feeling. Fond memories. Our "first date."
He stood there, under the shade of a tree. A gentle breeze combing his soft fur. This was the first time I hadn't seen him in uniform; donning a grey flannel over a form fitting tee decorated as if a child got a hold of some paint, sleeves rolled up, chest fur fluffing out. Finishing his look with a pair of blue denim shorts.
I was scared to approach him, and in the end he was the one who did so. We talked as we walked, settling at a café somewhere. His smile warmed my heart, we laughed and smiled, and I couldn't imagine having a better time. I'd never before. I don't think anything else would be able to take that away from my memory, either.
Zoness is beautiful, I couldn't imagine somewhere better.
I couldn't. Maybe I was blinded by him, instead.
It wears on you. The sun's too hot, the nights are cold, the people are arrogant; all self entitled twats. No one could care less about their opinion, and yet it gets shoved in your face. Now I can't care less about this place. It's bitter.
But I can endure it, I have to — for Fox.
Now I'm the one waiting on him, I bet I look a mess too. My fur's messed up, and I haven't sorted my claws out either. I bet I look like some feral beast. Then again, I always do. I'm a wolf, after all. When all everyone sees is dogs, fur thoroughly kempt and clean, they can't help but think it.
He's here. He sees me. Fuck, maybe I should have gotten prepared better.
He smiles, cheeks dimpled and his eyes twinkled; all of my worries melt away. As beautiful as ever.
I don't know what to say... How do I greet him?! I raise my hand slowly, giving him a short wave. Or, it would be if my hand would stop shaking! He hasn't noticed, good.
"Been waiting long?" He cuts through my thoughts.
Only an eternity. "Nah, I just got here too." Play it cool, no need to let him know I was here half an hour early.
"Shall we get going, then?" he motions his hand, pointing his thumb behind him. I nod stupidly, still in a trance. It's hard to believe he's here.
Oh, he's off. I jog to catch up to him, walking side by side. At times like this, it makes me think it's not all bad. His hand gently brushes against mine, sending shivers down my spine. He unclenches my hand, and fills it with his own.
It's so quiet. I don't like it. Please talk, this thumping is killing me. Get these drums out of my head.
His fingers stroke the back of my hand. I realise with a start that I've been clutching too hard. I send an apologetic look, and he faces back with a loving smile. Perhaps the silence isn't so bad.
Before I realised it, we'd arrived at our destination, a wave of familiarity rushed through me. The same café from before.
"Get us a table, I'll go get some drinks, 'kay?"
Which one should I choose? I want to sit in the corner, but would he think I'm trying to hide him? Maybe he'd get mad. I should just choose one closer to the middle, but not dead set middle of course. He'd probably hate that too.
I finally put my legs to rest, eventually settling for a place in the shade. What if he wanted to sit inside, actually? Probably not. He wouldn't have asked me when he did, right? I'm wringing my hands, but I can't help it. The pressure is killing me. I need everything to be perfect for him, just like how he's perfect for me. The sun's a bit too hot, but at least it's not raining.
Suddenly I see a polystyrene cup. "I'm back!" He settles opposite me, taking a sip of his own drink. "Miss me?" That cocky smirk I've seen plenty times before, though now I can't be annoyed at it; it's grown on me. He's grown on me.
"Pff, you've only been gone a minute." Play. It. Cool.
"Mhm, I meant in general but I guess not." He feigns a sad face, and even though I know it my stomach doesn't.
I fucking have damn it. But I can't say that. I might come off too clingy... Maybe I am? "Just a bit."
And he looks so smug about it; as if me missing him is anything to be smug about. He's reading me like a book, it's unnerving yet oddly comforting. "So, Fox. How's work?" How lame am I?
"Pretty good, I guess. The kids are nice and the pay is good." I can't help but feel like there's something off. He scratched his cheek, glancing to the side in thought. "Though, teaching's pretty hard sometimes. They kind of just don't get it, and don't listen sometimes."
"Can't expect everyone to be as good as you, though." God, that was corny. Doesn't seem like he cares, though. He's blushing, he's so cute!
Or is it sunburn? "Yeah, I know but," he runs a hand through his head fur with a sigh. "nah, it's nothing." He's holding back..? I thought we were supposed to be open with each other.
I'm such a hypocrite. "No, no. 'But' what? I wanna know."
"I guess sometimes I just, miss flying, you know? Not like, flight sims or anything, but actual fights. I miss the old life." My hand moves on it's own, clutching onto the cup in my hand. I take a sip from it to distract myself. Bitter.
It's bitter.
"I get what you mean." I seriously don't. I can't tell him that though, can I? "But it's in the past."
He murmur's solemnly. I ruined the mood, didn't I? "You're right. Doesn't stop me from missing it though. Strange to say it, but I still miss the times we used to fight." Huh? I bite my lip, nagging memories arising. "You're the only one who's given me so much trouble, you know."
"Oh please, you flatter me." Please stop. It feels like someone is playing my heart like a harp. I need air.
"It's true, but I guess trouble isn't quite right. But it's gone, and I'm... Happy, with how things are now." He took a(nother?) drink from his cup, smiling fondly. Ugh, why am I jealous of a god damn cup?
"Me too, I suppose." My cheeks are burning now, was I too straight forward?
"I suppose?" He's laughing now. "Your face says it all, Wolf."
I didn't know what to say; luckily for me he did it all. We talked for a while, and before I realised nearly 2 hours had passed. My neglected drink had gone long cold by now, oh well. It wasn't that good.
"Want to go for a walk?" He offers, and I let out a sigh of relief. I don't want this to end yet.
"Sure!" I say, perhaps too ecstatically. Tone it down, Wolf.
We get up, and we start moving somewhere. I don't really care where, the journey's what's important to me. Is that where the saying comes from?
My hands twitching, reminded about our walk earlier. I should take the initiative!
Oh, never mind. Even though the outcome's the same, I wish I had done it before him. It's a lot cooler now, a gentle orange cast in the sky. I guess I should have given Zoness more credit, it is very scenic.
His hand squirms in mine, and I rub it gently in response. "Hey!"
"Oi! You!" Is he calling me?
I whip my head around looking at the man in question. Some breed of dog; like I know nor care.
"I knew it. You're Wolf O'Donnell, aren't you?"
"Who's asking?" I couldn't care less, to be honest, but this guy is dangerous. He's seething, eyebrows furrowed staring directly at me.
"What the hell are you doing here?"
"Me? Are people not allowed to live their life?"
"No, not scum like you!" Fox's hand squirmed once again, but he refused to look at the other man. "What, you think it's okay to kill thousands of people and go on living by the families you ruined?"
Fox is clenching harder, it's starting to hurt. "Just doing my job. Anyone with a brain would be able to see that." My lax response only served to piss him off further. He swung.
I let go of Fox to block the fist, holding onto it with a death grip. Am I in the wrong if it's self defence? Hah...
Like I care.
I apply further pressure to his hand, and I hear his fingers cracking in pain. I lug my other fist into his chest, as he recedes to the floor. And I let go; a little further and his hand would have broken. That ought to teach the fucker a lesson.
Tears of pain were welling in his eyes, yet he kept his same face, teeth clenched in anger. He knows he can't do anything; good. No need in harming him further. I look around to see other bystanders looking over, some at shock of what I just did. Others tried to hide their looks, not drawing attention. Some were what I could only describe as disgust. At me. But, not only at me. They were looking at Fox...
...
"Some day, you'll get what's coming to you. I don't know what disgusting creep would ever choose to have you as a boyfriend, but they must be as messed up as you."
...
Fox hasn't said anything. I can't see him, but I know. I don't have to look at him. I'm such an idiot. What am I doing? I hear a small sniffle.
Mindlessly, I thrust my fist at him, knocking a few teeth out of his mouth, bleeding. It's not enough. No, it's not. Another fist to his face, and he's out cold. I prepare myself for another. Nobody, nobody will hurt Fox and get awa—
"Wolf." His voice is so weak, I almost didn't hear it. "Just... Leave him."
"Fox, I..." I hear footsteps behind me, they're fleeting. I turn once again to see him running. But I'm paralysed. My legs refuse to listen.
I hadn't realised, I was too busy looking around. Fuck the scenery. Fuck this place. Had they been glaring all this time? I'm such an idiot.
Managing to finally move, I chase after him.
I don't get it. There's no meaning to eternity. It doesn't exist. Everything is so fickle. I'm not real, or something like that.
Even still, I want you to stay forever. I'll throw away this veil of lacked emotion, I'll give you everything.
Though this sweet world is a lie, you make it real. Even if it's like a lie, that doesn't matter.
I'll erase everything else.
And he's back there, back at the tree. Of course he is. He doesn't see me, maybe he hates me now? I embarrassed him. I made a scene. I should leave.
I moved closer, swayed more by my heart. "Fox?" He turns, fur matted in streaks. It sent pangs through my heart, it ached. Ached to make it better. "I-I'm... Sorry."
His expression is... Well, expressionless. A blank stare; I have no idea what he wants. "Wolf. Do you ever think... We're wrong?"
"Huh?"
"Like, we shouldn't be here, together. I can't help but wonder..."
"Fox, what are you..." His eyes are muddled, a glossy green. Is this... Is he breaking up with me?
"I just need to know. Be honest with me."
Be honest. Honest.
My body tenses. The fear of losing him is too much to handle, and yet I can't speak.
"Wolf." He grabs my hand.
I-I... I...
I-
I can't stop the tears, Fox's eyes opening in response. Why is this so hard? I pull him in closer and envelop him with my arms, as if I might lose him otherwise.
Well, I might regardless.
"Please." I choke out pathetically. "Don't. Don't leave me. I love you, Fox. I love you." He moves his head deeper in, nuzzling his head against my chest deeper. "I don't want to lose you. The world's so dark without you. It's been so hard, I've waited so long just to see you. I love you, I really do. I've missed you, and when you go back I'll miss you again. I wish I could come with you; I don't even really care about the bounty, but..."
"But?"
"I don't know. I need rid of this bounty to be with you, but I can't do it. I'm stuck, and I always worry. Did I do everything wrong? I don't know how you feel."
"Of course I miss you, too. I-I'm sorry, honestly."
"Don't apologise."
"I'm serious, I haven't said how I feel. I've missed you too. I love you, you dolt. Don't ever think otherwise. When I get rid of that bounty, and I swear I will, I want us to live together. I get lonely too, you know."
I don't know what to say again. What can I say to that?
I don't need to say anything. I pushed him out at arms length, hands resting gently on his shoulders, and moved in. My lips connected with his, and the rest of the world disappeared. Nothing else matters, just the bliss I'm feeling right now. We meld together, the taste of coffee still in his mouth; though, from him it's not bad. There's no bitterness, it sends shivers down my spine.
"Would you, stay here with me, for the week?" I ask tentatively after we separated, rubbing my hand over his head gently.
"I mean, I am on holiday." He smiles, moving in to hug me once again. "I'd love to."
Why look on the horizon? Why does there have to be anything past the sunrise? It took me so long to realise. There's nothing past the sunrise.
He is my sunrise. The thing what lights up my life. This lie of a sweet world is the truth. I'll stay with you forever.
I'll protect this with my life.
A red iris stares back at me, probing for answers. Much better, in my opinion. Red, a colour often associated with love, right? It's perfect! At this stage, I don't even care that I'm a bit obsessive; who wouldn't be with the person they love?
And the object of my desires is laying right there behind me, hidden under the covers. The room seems so lively now. Living here forever wouldn't sound bad. I move towards the bed, moving under the covers alongside him.
The deep seeded guilt still racks me, but I'm slowly getting over it. I never want to try hurt him again. I pull him closer, his head resting gently against the crook of my neck. He sighs in relief, I hope, but stays silent else wise.
I couldn't ask for anything more. This haven. Nothing will get in my way. Nothing. And if something does get in the way.
I'll erase it.
For you.