Okay, so here's a little one-shot that I've had in my mind for a little while now. It's not meant to be serious; it's meant to be completely freakin' stupid. It's done in the style of an RvB PSA, so I hope I pulled it off well. Also, if I offend anyone in anyway with this, let me know. I'll fix it.
Map: Halo 3 Valhalla
Two Spartans are standing on a hill. The one on the left is in gray armor, holding a shotgun, and has a skull carved onto his EVA helmet visor. The other is in standard green Mark VI armor, and is standing there with his arms folded.
"Hi," says the gray one. "I'm Spartan Emile A239 from the popular video game Halo: Reach, and the even more popular Halo Fan-Fiction: Three Are Better Than One."
The green one shoots him a glance. "Emile, the video game has millions of players. The story hasn't even reached 100,000 views. How is it more popular?"
"Because it combines the two things that most Halo fans love," Emile replied. "Halo: Combat Evolved, and me. Seriously, Chief, as a veteran of all the Halo games, you should know that the fans are getting pretty tired of you. We need someone new. Someone more badass. We need more Emile."
"You're dead in the Halo games," Chief reminded him. "You died before the first game. That's not badass. And besides, we are getting someone new. Agent Locke will be be in Halo 5: Guardians. I've already talked to him. He's kinda annoying. In fact he's-"
"Forget it." Emile sighed and lowered his head. "You know what, let's just stay on topic." He looks back up. "Okay, so the reason we're doing this is to pass on some of our vast knowledge. As you readers may know, we Spartans are pretty damn sexy, and we have a hard time trying keeping the ladies off of us."
Chief scoffed. "Yeah, right. The last three times you got mobbed by a large group of women, you didn't do anything. In fact, you seemed to enjoy it."
"Well, that's why I said we have a hard time trying to keep them off of us," Emile clarified. "When your a dude surrounded by ladies, you're not going to try to keep them off of you. You're just going to sit there and enjoy it."
"...that's just wrong."
"As I was saying," Emile continued, propping his shotgun up on a nearby tree, "We're here to provide you with our advice on picking up chicks. However, since we are Spartans, this comes naturally to us, so don't feel back when...I mean if, you mess up."
Chief nodded. "That's right. And at our disposal, we have two special guests." He motioned to the Spartan in blue and white Halo 4 Mark VI armor standing farther down the hill. "There's Noble Six, our friend and test subject for this PSA."
"I don't want to do this!" Six shouted back.
"And over here we have our newest member to the Halo world, Agent Jameson Locke." Chief points to the right, where a Spartan in an unidentified armor variant stands with a Battle Rifle in hand. "He thought he could use some practice getting in to fanfics before the release of Halo 5, since he's going to be hugely popular then and doesn't want to mess up."
"Actually," Locke replied, "I'm here because Chief payed me fifty bucks. Otherwise, I would have told him to screw off."
Chief sighed. "Yeah, that too."
Emile cast them an awkward glance. "Dude, why did you bring Locke into this?"
"I tried to tell you earlier, but you cut me off," Chief said. "You told me to find a dick. And since all of the rumors going around say that Locke's going to be hunting me down in Halo 5, that pretty much makes him the biggest dick around."
"...I said to find a chick."
"...oh."
Emile threw his hands up in defeat. "Seriously, you messed up the one thing that I asked you to do, and it just so happens to be the most important thing in this PSA. How can we do a PSA about picking up chicks if we don't have one here!"
Chief turned to Locke. "You're an Acquisition Specialist for ONI, right?"
"Hey, don't say that aloud! That's supposed to be classified!"
"Dude, it's all over the Internet," Emile told him. "There's no reason to be concerned."
"As I was saying, since you are an Acquisition Specialist," Chief went on, "do you think you could go out and...acquire a chick for this?"
Emile shook his head. "Now, that's just wrong."
"Does this mean that we're not going to do the PSA?" Six asked. "Freedom!" Six ran down the hill, throwing his fist up in triumph. A light blue Spartan punched in him the face, and clothes-lined him. "Fuck..."
The light blue Spartan threw Six over her shoulder, and took him back to Emile and Chief. "I caught before he got away," she said. "Here." She dumped him at their feet. "He's all yours."
Chief and Emile shot each other a look, before looking back at her. "Hey, Kat, I don't suppose you'd be willing to help us, would you?"
"Help with what?"
"Okay, so we're doing this PSA thing where we're supposed to tell how to pick up chicks," Emile clarified, "but Chief forgot to bring a girl to this, so we really don't have anyone to test out our pick-up lines on. That's where you come in."
"...so basically, you guys just try to hit on me, and I can't do anything about it?" Kat asked, not missing a beat. "Yeah, that's not going to happen. You'd need someone a lot dumber than me for that to work."
"Well, think of it like an experiment," Emile suggested. "You like experiments, right? We test out our lines on you, and you can take notes on what you thought could've been better, and compare them to the lines that would work on you."
"...nope."
Emile groaned. "Hey Chief, you wanna take this one?"
The Spartan II sighed. "Would you do it for fifty bucks."
"Deal."
Chief glared at Emile. "You owe me for this."
"Whatever." Emile looked over to Kat. "Okay, now Six will try our pre-made list of pick-up lines on you, and then we'll get your reaction, okay?"
"um...Six looks a little out of it, if you ask me," Kat pointed out, looking down at the unconscious Spartan. "He doesn't really look capable of trying out the pick-up lines."
Emile sighed. "Dammit. This wasn't supposed to be this hard. Six is out, and Chief and I can't do it because you'd fall for us every single time..."
"Doubt it," muttered Kat.
"...we need a guy. Someone that Kat doesn't know that well," Emile said.
"Hey," Locke said, "why is everyone looking at me?"
The Pick-Up Lines
"Okay, we're ready," Emile said, finally glad to be able to continue. "It's been over 1,000 words, and we're just getting to the good part."
"Just kill me now," Locke whined. "I take it back, this isn't worth the 200 Chief's paying me for this." Locke had a copy of the 5 pick-up lines in his hands, and he couldn't find one that made any sense. "These are just stupid."
"Your face is stupid!" Emile shouted back, before facing where the readers are. "Hello, after some technical difficulties, we're back and ready to get into the PSA. As you may already know, we're teaching you how to pick up chicks."
Chief nodded. "Yeah. We're starting with pick-up lines. Now, we Spartans don't normally need pick-up lines. Just walk into any club with your armor, and you're an instant chick magnet...at least until you get kicked out."
"Anyway," Emile said, taking over for Chief, "without further ado, Agent Locke with Pick-Up Line #1."
Pick-Up Line #1
Locke sighed, and looked down at the paper. After muttering some silent curses at Emile and Chief, he began to read the line in a deadpan tone. "Hey baby, are you a veterinarian? Because you make my wienie dog go bow-wow."
Everyone looked over at Kat to see her reaction.
Kat simply walked over and kicked Locke in the nuts.
"Motherfucker!" Locke shouted as he went down, holding his man parts.
"That's the problem with the Gen II armor," Kat commented. "There's no crotch-plate."
"Ooh, that did not go well," Emile commented from the sidelines. "See guys, what you need to do is be confident with your pick-up lines. You can't be deadpanning and monotonous like Locke was. Show some joy in them."
"Another flaw that Locke made was not making eye-contact," Chief added. "He was looking down at the paper instead of at Kat. That was what probably got him kicked in the first place."
Locke staggered past them, still holding his groin. "Hey, fuck you guys!"
Pick-Up Line #2
Locke took a deep breath, and read the line, trying to retain as much dignity and composure as he could. "Hey babe, are you a mechanic? Because only you can give me a jump-start." He looked at it again. "Hey, that one's not actually too bad..."
Kat walked over and slammed her robotic arm straight into the same area she hit Locke before.
"Son of a bitch!" Locke went down again.
Emile shook his head. "See, his problem this time was that the pick-up line was terrible. Seriously, Locke! Get better lines!"
"You wrote these, you fucking bitch!"
Pick-Up Line #3
Locke was covering his lower region with one hand this time, and was holding the paper with the other. "Do you like riding horses? Cause I would let you ride me all night long." Locke stared at the line for a second. "That's not even a pick-up line! That's just downright pornographic! And it makes it sound like I'm a horse!"
Then he saw that Kat was directly in front of him. He instantly dropped the paper and his other hand flew to his nuts. "Please don't hit me in the balls."
Kat brought her fist back, and slammed it into his visor...
"Oh, thank you," Locke said, bringing his hands up to clutch his helmet.
...then Kat kicked him in the balls.
"Goddammit!"
Emile looked over at Chief. "Seriously, what's Locke's problem? He hasn't done any of them right. Maybe we should find someone else to do this."
"Nah. That's just too much work," Chief said. "Six is still out, and there's no other guys out here but you and I. And besides, this will make a great video to bring up when Locke's hunting me down in Halo 5. I've recorded the whole thing on my helmet camera. You know, blackmail."
Nodding, Emile held his hand up for Chief to high-five. "That's awesome. I had to do the same thing for Jun when the Halo: Reach Beta was out."
Pick-Up Line #4
Locke is still writhing in the background, holding his nuts. A teal Spartan wielding an Energy Sword stands in his place. "Hey baby, did you fall from heaven? Cause I've always wanted to bone an angel. Bow-chick-bow-wow!"
Everyone stared at him. "Who the fuck are you?" asked Emile.
Pick-Up Line #5
Locke held the ice bag on his lower regions as he read the next line. "What? It's says 'Free Line.' What does that even mean?"
Emile smile. "That means that you're on your own with this one. We're testing to see what you've learned from us so far. After all, you'll need to be able to come up with your own lines. Chief and I won't always be here to give you pick-up lines."
Sighing, Locke lowered his head. But then he had an idea. "Hey, Kat? How about we go to the movies. There's a great film playing."
Kat tilted her head, looking at him suspiciously. "What's it called?"
Locke used his free hand tp pull the Battle Rifle off his back. "It's called 'Spartans Locke and Kat shoot the Living Fuck Out of Chief and Emile for being complete Jackasses.' Wanna go? I have two tickets and full clip."
The light blue Spartan pulled out her Assault Rifle. "Sounds like fun. We could grab some dinner on the way home," she remarked, as they turned their weapons on the other two Spartans.
"Um...see how that line worked?" Emile asked, hesitantly. "That shows that perseverance will eventually get you to where you want to be. And...unfortunately, this bring us to the conclusion of the first part of our PSA. In Part 2, we'll do a quick recap and then move on to "Finding the Right Girl For You." Until next time, this has been Emile..."
"...and Chief, showing you how to pick up chicks, Spartan Style," Chief finished as some bullets whistled past his ear. "Okay we're done. Run! Fucking run!"