A/N: A really random screwed up FMA fan fiction mostly involving Greed.

This story is AU. I am quite aware that obviously the anime's and manga's version is much better. But I wanted to write this for my own pure entertainment.

I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE FOR THIS STORY!!!!

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The air coated with moisture flowing about in heavy wisps. It was a day filled with unexpected darkness. For the light in the bathroom went out while Greed was taking a shower.

"What the hell..." He cussed at the freaking light bulb.

Later that day, things began to look up. Way up, not very high, but they were still up there. It was the first time in a long, long time that a woman tried to kick his ass. He felt a freaking gigantic fist created entirely of cement explode against his forehead, causing his face to feel the the wrath of incredible... tingles. It would have probably felt a little more painful for someone else.

"Aren't you going to fight back?" Growled Izumi.

"I already told you: I don't want to hit you..." Greed gave the most unmistakable pouting frown ever.

"We've been at this for an hour!" Izumi's eyebrow flinched in irritation.

"I know." Stated Greed, just grinning.

And so they continued their combat, or rather, Izumi continued her trying to beat the living crap out of the homunculus. The basement of the tavern never felt better... I mean worse. Much mess was made, and much cement was transmuted into weapons. Al just sat and watched for he was sort of chained up at the moment, with a snake chimera making her home in his armor, not allowing him to move much anyways. As well, all of the rest of Greed's henchmen also sat and watched, for Izumi had already mauled the life out of them. They weren't dead, just sleeping. Last but not least, Izumi's husband was also watching, because she told him to.

'I'm going to take his body, and rip it to shreds!!!!!!!' Thought Izumi, her mind yelling so loud she was about to give herself a migraine.

'She's got a great body.' Thought Greed, his mind... not changing much.

A few more minutes of fighting, transmuting, smashing, wall-and-floor abuse, and Greed-gawking, then Izumi's body could take no more. She collapsed to the floor, coughing out what looked like her guts. Greed didn't find that hot at all. He tilted his head, feeling sorry for her, but he decided to still act like a cold hearten prick.

He picked her up by her collar, glaring (sort of) at the others. "So... are we done?" He asked as a chunk of cement randomly fell from the wall behind him.

It wasn't long though before a (very) pissed Edward Elric came charging in like stampede of angry demon trains of doom. He opened the gates of hell with his rage, but closed them almost immediately after as he melted, seeing a kitten curled up on the top of Al's helmet head. Then looked back to Greed and continued his exploding again.

A battle began almost immediately. The basement couldn't take much more, but somehow, it held up as it continued being transmuted into more and more giant weapons of smashing power. Izumi freed herself from the (deadly?) grasp of Greed, and soon both Alchemists, Ed and Izumi's combined powers were at work. Which by the way, still failed to defeat Greed. It wasn't long before the homunculus got fed up and actually decided to fight back. He needed to defend what was left of the bar's basement, lest the whole place give out and collapse atop them. Though this turn of events would not change who he was. He turned to Edward, glaring (sort of).

"Let's finish this, man to man!" He said, translation: 'I'll fight you, but just you! I may seem like an ass but I still don't want to hit your hot teacher!'

And so, the real battle began, it was awesome, but for some reason Greed still didn't fight back much, until...

"Alright, I didn't want to show you this, since it does get.... really freaking ugly." The homunculus began to peel of his coat (if there were fan girls, there would be gawking). He dropped it on the floor next to him, and allowed some sort of dark substance to crawl up his flesh (the fan girls would want to be said substance). Soon, it covered him completely, transforming him into what looked like an angry black demon of doom. With sparkling teeth. He posed in an awesome battle stance and taunted the Fullmetal Alchemist to attack. "C'mon!" He said, appearing menacing, but then only a second later, his fearsome appearance was completely destroyed. The kitten which was snoozing on Al's head, was crawling up in the rafters above, it fell, and was now on Greed's head. "What the!?" He reached up to grab the kitten with his claws.

"MEW!" Hollered the kitten.

"Brother!!" Shouted Al. "Don't let him hurt the kitten!" Al was shaking with fright. More frightened than he was when he was captured and brought here, and quite possibly even more frightened than any day he's ever experienced his teacher's wrath...

Ed's simple response was a swift kick with his automail leg into Greed's stomach, sending the black homunculus into the (already abused) wall behind him.

Greed now, stuck in a crater in the wall, sat there with this arm sticking out of it. At the end of his arm, his hand was grasping the kitten by the scruff of it's neck, with two clawed fingers. The kitten still managed to hold it's cute, happy face. And mewed. Was it retarded?

The homunculus pulled himself from the wall and stood up, approaching Ed once again, still holding the kitten in his two fingers, tilted his (evil?) head. He simply asked. "What do you have against cats, that you had to boot me into the wall the moment you saw it, huh?"

Ed did not reply. Neither did Al. Suddenly, the kitten escaped Greed's grasp and magnetically suctioned itself to the side of the homunculus' (shinny teethed) head.

"Mew!" It declared, looking like it was in love.

"Aw, well now I can't fight him!" Stated Edward, transmuting the blade on his automail back into his arm.

"Well dammit!" Cussed Greed. "This cat went and ruined our fight!" He sounded very disappointed. "Asshole cat."

"Mew!" It simply responded.

All of a sudden, the entire building exploded and collapsed, trapping everyone beneath the rubble. This included Ed, Al, Izumi, Izumi's husband, a bunch of other people, Greed, and .. the kitten.

"Kimbley!!!" Shouted Frank Archer. "I said get us in there! Not blow the whole place up!!"

"Oops..." Replied Kimbley.

"You dumb ass..." Grumbled Archer.

For some reason, the military left the devastating sight, that day, with plans to dig it up to get the bodies out... someday. Some theorize their slowness was because they were being lazy, or perhaps it was because... no just laziness. No matter. It gave some time for the most unexpected thing to happen next...

A/N: .... that you don't get to find out until later on in this story!