Akamatsu Ken and too many others to list here created and own the characters featured in this work of fiction.

No money is being made out of this.

If you're underage or easily offended, please, please don't read this.

You were warned.

Thanks a million to Darkenning for the usual proof-reading and correcting.

Anything that Moves.

A Sexual Dark Comedy of Dilapidated Morality.

Episode One- Establishing Character Moment.

Somewhere, at some time:

"That is all very interesting," the young girl said, "but I have realized something. In all those universes we have seen, this Negi guy is always beating himself up over everything that happens to him. Don't you think that's a bit, I dunno, tiresome? Why don't you show me a world where he's different? Because by now I'm kinda tired of seeing the same routine over and over. Boy gets approached by forceful and very sexy young women, boy protests on their advances, they still do it, boy angsts, next girl approaches him to comfort him, and it starts all over again."

Zelretch of the Jewels smiled in a way only he could manage, regarding the anomaly in female form with amusement. "You know, you might be right. It's definitely a regular pattern seen in most of the realms ... but that doesn't mean it has to be the same everywhere, of course. If you would like, I could show you at least one universe where, from very early in his life, he's taught to exploit his natural charm talents."

"Could you?" Her eyes shone in expectation.

The tall old man nodded. "Of course I can! I can't guarantee you will like the end result, however, although maybe you will. There's no way to know that for sure until you see it for yourself, naturally."

She slammed her hands together and rubbed them against each other. "Let's do it!"

"There is an aspect of yourself in that world, as well. As it is to be expected, she plays an important role."

"That's even better!" she squeaked in glee. "Show it to me, already, then! No more delays! I want it now!"

And so he did.

"This," Konoe Konoemon decided, folding the letter back into its envelope, "is bad."

The beautiful, quite buxom, yet classy blonde woman with glasses standing before the desk of his elegant and wide office arched an eyebrow. "How so, sir?"

The old man with the strange head allowed himself a dry sigh. Born and raised a muggle, Minamoto Shizuna, his loyal aide, had been in the dark about the existence of magic until a few years ago, and so there was still a lot she didn't know about the circles he frequented. "The Dean and Magus of Merdiana Academy in Britannia has asked me to take a child prodigy, a new graduate of his, as a teacher for the foreseeable future."

"Is that so bad, sir?" she asked. "After all, Becky-sensei's proved to be rather competent and popular in her own way."

"I know. That's not what concerns me," he said. "It's not the idea of having another child teacher. It's the idea of having a teacher coming from the Magus that makes me uncomfortable."

"May I ask why?"

"Certainly. The Magus and I studied the arcane arts together, and over decades, we were close associates, and yes, even friends. However ... over the last little while, he has changed, and I'm not sure it has been for the better. There have been ... rumors about his last few batches of graduates, and although I have tried giving him the benefit of the doubt, I'm afraid he might have fallen under the sway of ... let's call them unorthodox doctrines."

Shizuna didn't like his tone then. Not at all.

Across the world, at the same time, three young individuals were as naked as the respective days they were born on a large bed, in a humble cabin in the hills.

Negi Springfield was on top of the small redhead known to the magical community as Anya Cocolova, holding her thin legs spread as wide as he could with his hands, all the better to ram his cock over and over into her. The male organ, while nearly laughable small for a grown woman, was big enough to make a girl Anya's size feel like it was ripping her apart.

Which she loved.

"Ah. Ah, ah, agh, ah. Negi!" she gasped between hoarse hiccups, her upper back and head resting against the gorgeous blond woman who held her lovingly from behind, tenderly playing with her tiny nipples. Anya closed her eyes tightly and struggled against the impulse to scream any further, not because she could be heard by any neighbors, but because she didn't want to grant him that pleasure, at the very least.

Maybe he would stay if she kept denying him that ultimate satisfaction.

Yeah, fat chance. But dreams are always the absolute last thing to die.

"I love you," he whispered, running his hands up and down her legs, and then her sides, lingering at her hips and ribs as he leaned down again to kiss her mouth.

If you love me, she thought, then stay. Stay with us! She felt like crying it aloud, holding onto him and never letting him go. He was theirs, all theirs, and regardless of what Grandfather might say, he didn't have to go out and belong to anyone else. No! That was wrong and ugly! And yet, she wouldn't say that either, because she had her pride, and when you are left with nothing but your pride and dreams, you can't sacrifice one for the sake of the other. At least not if you happened to be Anya.

Then she felt the by now familiar warm release into her nether regions, and she moaned into Negi's mouth. "- you too, idiot..." she groaned, quite confident the two previous words had gone unheard.

"I know." He placed another tender and delicate kiss on her petite pink lips before setting her aside with one of those stupid warm smiles. Then, as Anya rolled onto her side and hugged her knees, muttering to herself and shivering in post-climax, he yanked on his softening thing a couple times as his eyes fell on the waiting, blushing form of Nekane Springfield. "Sister," he said. "It is time."

"Yes," she said, beckoning him to her, with trembling hands, setting his face against her wet vulva. She felt like she was going through the motions of a dream. As he kept rubbing himself back into hardness, and then starting to apply his tongue and lips on Nekane's sex, the young woman threw her head back and thought of all the time spent readying herself. Ever since learning Negi had finally began dabbling into the secret practices with his classmates behind the thick Merdiana walls, she had been reading and practicing for this moment. Months spent touching herself, mastering every spot of her body, getting to find every sensitive place and point. Weeks of ingesting chemicals for fertility. Anya was too young yet, so while it was likely he had already impregnated one or two or three of his older classmates, in Nekane's own view, she would bear his first child. She would be the mother of his first gift to the world that needed it so desperately.

Her feverish thoughts on the matter were interrupted when Negi grabbed her by the buttocks and penetrated her vagina, much more slowly than their father had the night Anya was conceived. Nekane's hands scratched on the mattress, and her legs rose as high as they would go, while Negi sank in as deeply as he could, before starting thrusting in and out.

Time became meaningless then, dearly filled with his sweet words of comfort and love, until he ejaculated. And Nekane closed her blue eyes and hugged him tightly, and wept, because now their private rite of initiation was over, she would have to face what would come next.

He would depart, and odds were she would have to give birth while he was away. History would repeat itself. But only to some degree, she inwardly swore. Unlike their father, she would NOT lose him forever.

No.

No!

For now, however, he only hugged her back, with no less strength. But unlike her, he never wept.

It wasn't that Negi Springfield was callous. If anything, to an often disturbing degree, he was the exact opposite. That was why he would never cry, not since that night in the bloody snow.

That, after all, was a big part of why they loved him so much.

"As you can understand, however," Konoemon expanded, "I can't reject the boy, either. Not only is he the only son of a good friend of mine, and not only do I have no official reason to reject him, but offending the Magus would be a dangerous political move. We have barely stabilized the situation between the Kanto and Kansai associations; the last thing we need right now is tension with the Britannian schools, where the Magus retains a lot of influence."

Shizuna hummed softly. "I see. That's quite an inconvenience."

"Furthermore," the old man said, "the residences for the teachers are overcrowded as it is, and I'm very wary of trusting the child to any of the students. Maybe, if you could suggest a solution for that?" he teased hopefully.

Shizuna shook her head. "I'm very sorry, but my current apartment is very small, and my building doesn't allow children."

The man tapped with his fingers on the desk. "Maybe with Itoshiki-kun. His house is rather large, and he lives alone, but -"

She gasped. "Sir, no! Think of what you're saying! Not with him!"

"I know, I know, but what else can I do?"

"How old is this child?"

"He should be around ten by now."

"Then, given he's a prodigy, he should be old enough to stand for himself in a routine basis, but also young enough to be trusted with living with other students without taking advantage of them," she reasoned. "Are you assigning him to-?"

"2-A of the female junior high," he replied.

Shizuna made a face. "Are you... sure?"

"Well, that's the only class I have an opening for right now."

"Maybe if you allowed Takahata-sensei stay as-"

"No," he sternly said. "I have my reasons. And I'm not to change my mind of them. Takamichi is one of the finest men and teachers I have ever met, but 2-A ... just isn't the place for him."

"Neither is it the place for a child," she argued. "2-A is, if you'll excuse my phrasing, with a few exceptions like your granddaughter, one of the most troubled classrooms in Mahora."

"I know. I'm actually counting on that."

"Sir!"

"The sooner he sees he's in over his head, the sooner he'll return to Britannia."

The busty woman blinked. "But Sir, that's..."

"For everyone's greater good, including the lad's," he exhaled a sad sigh. "I don't like it either, but it's the best I can do under the circumstances."

Shizuna lowered her head, in silence for a short while, until she said, "In that case, may I suggest someone to take care of him in the meanwhile?"

"I'd be grateful," he replied.

She placed her hands together and smiled. "What you need," she said, "is someone who is responsible enough to not lose or hurt him, but also erratic enough to make him realize he isn't ready yet. Someone who, much like her father, is competent enough, but also can be rather problematic at times. Like, let's say, the daughter of a man who also fathered another daughter with a woman who was out to learn and expose our secrets and cripple the magical community."

A thick, brushy white eyebrow was raised in interest.

Shizuna-kun never stopped reminding him why he had hired her and let her in on their secrets.

Other than the breasts and the vague hopes of bedding her one day, that is.

And so, one week later, this happened:

Two girls had been summoned to the office very early that morning. They stood before the desk, with Minamoto-sensei and an adorable looking and sharply dressed little boy a few feet behind them.

"So, Akashi-kun, Ookuchi-kun," Konoe Konoemon said, hands folded together, "you were chosen amongst all your classmates for the honor of housing Negi-sensei for the duration of his stay..."

"That's insane!"

That's what Akashi Yuuna had said, without even thinking of it, as soon as she heard the unexpected words coming out the Headmaster's mouth. A split second later, she mostly regretted it, although not that much, because it was a really insane thing. Fortunately, the old man was graceful enough to pretend such words had never been uttered. Unfortunately, that also meant he paid no attention to Yuuna's subsequent protests on how a child would wreck her living quarters' neat sense of order, and how it would make more sense to drop him with another teacher. (Any other teacher. Except for Mr. Despair. Yuuna had her limits.)

"I'm sorry to be a bother, but please bear with me for the time being," the charming little guy begged, taking Yuuna's hand and delicately kissing it, then Akira's. He was a small smooth customer, that kid, but not enough to charm Yuuna, who only made a frustrated face and grunted. Her taller roommate, however, seemed won over by that, as the soft blush on her creamy white cheeks proved. Akira was a sucker for cute things, almost as much as Makie, even if not so loudly; so that came as no surprise to Yuuna. Even so, Yuuna had expected more of an objection from her.

Then again, Akira-chan was often difficult to read.

Yuuna guessed she would have been as charmed as the other girls (except Asuna, Chisame, Sakurazaki, Evangeline, Mana-san, Karakuri, Rainyday and Ayase) that morning, after the meeting, when Negi was introduced to the class, if she hadn't had that bomb dropped on her beforehand. It wasn't that she disliked him at all, unlike Asuna, who seemed to take an instant hatred towards him. But having him around as a teacher was a different thing from actually living with him as well, which was honestly intimidating. Yuuna sure wasn't ready to be a mother yet.

And when Negi was mobbed by the rest of the class that morning, Yuuna could swear she noticed something strange about his lack of struggle and panic as he was crushed between Chizuru's massive breasts while smoothly answering Asakura's questions. It was almost as if he felt ... comfortable in such an obviously uncomfortable and unnerving situation. Britannians were freaking weird.

And now, after classes, and after her team practices, Yuuna trotted back to pick him up and take him home, as her new itinerary suggested. Man, that was such a pain. It meant she had to go out of her way to meet him behind the main academy building, by the time he presumably was finished with the rest of his classes. Akira, of course, was a no-show since her club actually ranked above shit tier and thus got more practice time, while Yuuna's was pushed out the court very early by the Sempai.

The pecking order in Mahora was rather strict. Kiryuin-sempai's influence seeped from her Student Council President's office down all the way into the lower ranks of the system, and that meant, much like her, the other sempai would never miss a chance to exert their authority and superiority. It was a dog-ate-dog world, with the consolation it at least wasn't as bad as the world beyond the boundaries of Mahora and Academy City.

Or at least, it was that way for Yuuna until she turned the corner that fateful afternoon, saying loudly "Negi-kun, I'm here, you'd better-!" And then the rest of the sentence was lost forever, when she saw Miyazaki Nodoka floating in the air, along with a scattered stack of books, all of them sloooooowly descending so Honya, as she was called by all but Haruna and Ayase, could land safely in the arms of a Negi who was doing a save dive for her.

Yuuna came to a sudden halt, with eyes freakishly wide. Facing away from her, Negi sighed in relief, then smiled as he took a good, lingering look at the face of Honya, who had fainted in his grip. "So cute," he whispered as he made sure she was actually okay, and then...

... and then he looked back at Yuuna, his smile remaining.

"I'm sorry you had to see that," he politely told her.

"Uhhhh..." Yuuna doubted. "Me, me too. Maybe. I mean, I'd be sure, if only I knew what I've just seen, but -"

Calmly, he set Honya down, straightened his tie, smoothed his reddish hair back, and said, after a few brief glances in all directions, "That was magic."

"Okay," Yuuna said, an eyebrow twitching.

"And I'm a mage," Negi added.

"Sure thing!" The other eyebrow began twitching as well.

"And now I should be wiping all your memories from this incident."

Yuuna took a step back. "Say what? Hey, cut it out, it isn't funny anymore. Oh, I get it, you're a mutie, aren't you? Calm down, don't act crazy, many of Dad's best friends are muties, as a matter of fact, I only use that term out of endearment, like when I talk to niggas."

Negi's smile became a bit sharper and more tense. "Language, please."

"Sorry, I'm not very politically correct," she allowed, gesturing with her hands for a moment. "But ... ah, well, I'm not sure what you've been told or who told you, but mages don't exist, so what you actually are, and there's no reason to be afraid of it, is a mutated offshoot of the human genetic code and ask Hakase for the rest, will you? Please don't kill me." She took another step back and reached for her cellphone.

Negi's smile softened again. She, too, was very very cute. Especially when she acted crazy.

"So ... you really aren't going to wipe my memory, then?" Yuuna warily asked again, now they both sat on the edge of the rooftop of the dorm building. Yuuna kept her distance, since she feared his answer would be a cheery 'No need for that!' after which she'd be pushed over the edge. But Negi seemed more interested in enjoying the soft late afternoon spring breeze on his face.

"I told you already, no," he patiently said. "Why would I do such a thing?"

"Because you told me that's the standard procedure for ... mages who get found out?"

He nodded. "Or else we are turned into ermines or other small animals. So it's a very important part of the laws a mage has to obey. However," he said, softly placing two fingers on Yuuna's mouth before she could speak. "There are even more important things to consider in this case. For starters, I'm not good with that spell, and so, I could erase the whole of your mind by trying. Since I'd never place one of my students at risk, then, I won't. And while we've barely known each other, I already can tell you are a nice person who won't rat me out unless you have to, because the idea that someone could turn a brat like me into an animal disgusts you."

Yuuna pulled back. "H-How can you be so sure of that?" she asked, although a second later, she felt rather sure she shouldn't have.

And there was that smile of his again. "Because I just read your mind."

Yuuna blinked stupidly, then abruptly caught Negi in a chokehold. "YOU TWEEEEERP! An animal would be an improvement!"

"Sorry, sorry, sorry!" Negi chuckled, even as his face went gradually blue. "Please ... can't breathe ..."

Yuuna let him go with a gruff huff.

"Thank you very much," Negi nodded, rubbing his throat. "As for the other reasons, I wanted to tell you eventually anyway. Sooner or later, everyone will have to know."

"Why?"

"Why did I want to tell you, or why everyone will have to know?"

"Both!" Yuuna hissed, really starting to understand Asuna's frustration with children.

"Well, as for the former, because you are my roommate, and I really hope we can become friends and partners."

Her eyes grew narrow. "Partners in what?"

"In anything you would like," he easily replied, which made Yuuna felt quite uncomfortable. Was he shooting the ball back to her, or what? "As for the later, well, the world is going to end."

The astonishing calm with which the last statement had been made stunned Yuuna enough to make her forget about what he had said right before that. "What?"

He pointed up at the red sky. "You know enough about history to realize the skies used to be different, right? My grandfather and sister tell me there used to be a time, before the disaster, when the skies were blue by day and black by night. But then, all of that changed, and that was the sign for mankind to learn we are living on borrowed time. Soon, the day will come when we won't be able to hide magic anymore, because magic itself will crush our world, and only those who are prepared will survive. That's why I really wanted you to know, because I really, really like you."

Yuuna blinked. He was talking in a tone not too unlike that of a kid talking to his dear sister, so for the sake of her own sanity, she chose to pretend she suspected no precocious double meaning there. Besides, the whole end of days thing kinda took precedence. "Wait... the end of the world? Are you freaking serious?"

"Completely. I'd never joke on the subject," he nodded.

"And how are you so sure the world is going to end?"

"Um, other than because it almost ended fifteen years ago, and the fact the skies have been red ever since ... because the secret writings say so."

"Which secret writings?"

"See, like a wise man used to say, now that ... is a secret!" he smiled, waving a finger playfully.

Yuuna seriously pondered slapping him. "That's a very devilish thing to say, considering you are talking about the fate of everyone and everything I hold dear."

"I know, and I'm really sorry. But! Once you're initiated, you'll be well on your way to learn everything!"

"Initiated into freaking what?!" she yelled. "You're pulling my chain around, aren't you, twerp?!"

Negi blinked a few times before shaking his head slowly.

Yuuna sighed and stood up. "Forget it. For now, at least. I've heard more than enough for the time being, so ... we'll talk after dinner, okay?"

"That sounds great, I -"

"And not even a word of this to Akira-chan!"

"Actually, I agree, she isn't ready yet."

"Not yet, and never! Got it?" Yuuna growled. "I don't want your weird magic mumbo-jumbo screwing her mind and her quiet, normal life!"

"But-"

"No buts!"

So Negi closed his mouth and fell into a non-committal silence, before following her back down the stairs.

All the way while discreetly checking her firm buttocks under her short skirt.

Really cute from all angles!

As it happened, perhaps not surprisingly, there was not a lot of time to discuss such complex and perplexing matters after dinner with Akira-chan around, so Yuuna's dreams that night were plagued by bizarre apocalyptic visions, a few of which involved her father in ripped shirts fighting warrior apes. And then grabbing her-

Wait.

Yuuna's eyes snapped fully open, just in time to see a pajama-clad, goofily smiling Negi snugging into bed with her, with a hand squeezing her down between the legs, and a thin trail of saliva coming out a corner of his mouth.

Yuuna's yell shook the whole building.

Two rooms away, Kagurazaka Asuna opened her mismatched eyes and smiled to herself. "I knew that brat was trouble," she contentedly mumbled before going back to snore and drool on her pillow.

"I'm very sorry!" Negi rubbed the bump on his head. "I used to sleep with my sister, and I had nightmares if I didn't, so I must have sleepwalked!"

"Did you also fondle your sister's crotch while sleeping?!" Yuuna demanded to know.

Negi fell into an uncomfortable silence, although not without a blush and a little smile.

"Now, now, come on," Akira sedately mediated, "Let's be understanding here, Yuuna. He's away from his home for the first time ever, in a country that is still fully alien to him -"

"What does any of that have to do with squeezing crotches?" Yuuna growled.

"I swear I didn't think I was touching your crotch," Negi solemnly said, and it was completely true. In the combined haze of his sleep and the room's darkness, he had assumed he was reaching for those nice, cute, perky breasts.

Seemingly, his tone's sincerity was enough to placate Yuuna's protests, although she kept shooting him distrustful glares.

"See? Now it's been cleared up, please let's stop discussing crotches over breakfast," Akira calmly requested, while reaching for her glass of orange juice.

Negi was nearly mesmerized. What a smooth grace, even in the simplest of motions...

That afternoon, as the bell rang...

"- so remember," Negi warmly said, "walk back home safely, minding your step at all times, and please don't block your view by carrying more books than you should be holding."

He honestly thought he was doing the heavily blushing Nodoka a favor by reminding her that without mentioning her, but judging from the looks the other students were giving her, it became painfully obvious she was the only one in the classroom who could have provoked such a farewell advice. Ooops.

Then a brown haired curvy beauty stomped in, grabbed Negi forcefully, and dragged him out by the tie.

Hot! he thought, keeping up with her as stars shone in his eyes.

The incident was so out of left field abrupt and unexpected it actually took 2-A a couple of instants realizing it had actually happened.

Then Yukihiro Ayaka jumped up to her feet and cried in outraged shock, "KIDNAPPING!"

Down the hall, the girl who pulled Negi along sped up into a sprint, forcing him to rush as well as he gagged. But it was worth it. The way she moved her hips as she ran! And she was take-charge, as well, which he liked a lot. She reminded him of Anya, but with breasts, although he really hoped she wouldn't deflate into a sub in bed like Anya did.

"Damn it," the girl cursed between gritted teeth. "Do they think they own you, or something like that?"

As the yells and heavy footsteps of their pursuers could be heard approaching, Negi said, "Judging from what they're saying, I think it's more like they're afraid you're kidnapping me."

"What? That's ridiculous and stupid!" his kidnapper looked back her shoulder to shout at the girls running after her. They would have had caught up to her already, actually, if only Asuna hadn't been laughing her head off at the back of the bunch and Misora hadn't stayed back at the classroom, afraid of getting involved. Ayaka was nearly caught up with them by now, though. "Shoo! Shoo! Do I look like a kidnapper or something?!"

"YES, YOU DO!" Misa, Ayaka, Madoka, Sakurako, Haruna, Yue, Fuuka, Fumika, Ako, Yuuna, Makie and Asakura yelled all at once.

"... maybe?" Konoka could be heard asking after the echoes of the combined yell passed.

"Well, I'm NOT!" the strange girl growled, reaching a door at the end of the hall, and quickly pulling Negi in with herself right before slamming the door on Ayaka's nose as she finally came close enough.

"... that's something a kidnapper would have done," Negi quietly observed, glad to have stopped at last, even though she wasn't letting his tie go yet. Eh, not like he really minded at all.

"If I were a kidnapper, I would have used a knife. Like this one," she explained with the air of someone explaining something all too obvious, briefly producing a small pocket knife out, one she pocketed again just as quickly. "Duh. I'm a student in need of academic assistance, isn't that obvious?"

"OPEN THE DAMN DOOR OR WE'LL KICK IT DOWN!" someone roared viciously from right outside as the door was punted over and over.

Negi frowned. "LANGUAGE!" he shouted, and the scream died down, although the kicks softened but never stopped. The boy sighed. "I suppose you could, and should, have gone to meet me at my office after hours, but that's a moot point now. How may I help you, Miss...?"

"Suzumiya. Suzumiya Haruhi," she said, finally letting go off the tie, to place that hand on her chest, proudly. Negi's gaze followed it intently, although she was too busy being smug to realize it. "Supreme Commander, Chairman for Life and Beyond, Founder and Fearless Leader of the Suzumiya Haruhi's New World Order Super Awesome Brigade! SOS Brigade for short, only waiting for your patronage to fully come into existence!"

Negi raised an eyebrow. Oh, wow, not only a fiery one, but an eccentric one as well. So she not only had some of Anya in her, but some of Klarion as well. Oh, Klarion. Now that had been a missed chance. If only he hadn't been so arrogant, so unwilling to experiment, so afraid of opening himself, so uncooperative with Negi, and for all that, so oddly endearing as well. Perhaps some day -

"- why are you drooling?" Haruhi frowned, staring at his face, which made him blink out of his absent, vacant daydreaming full of visions of forbidden dark romance.

Elsewhere, while setting shop at the basement of a cursed abandoned church in the outskirts of Gotham City, one Klarion Bleak (DUM, DUM, DUM...!) shuddered.

"Damn that Springfield pervert, always thinking about me," he murmured.

Before Negi could explain himself, the door was kicked particularly hard, and through a brand new large hole in it, in peeked a madly smiling face. "HERE'S JOHNNY!" Saotome Haruna cackled.

Negi groaned as the bespectacled black haired girl pulled herself in through the hole. "Saotome-san, please drop that axe right now. Where did you get it, anyway?"

"Stole it from one of the high school girls."

Haruhi hummed appreciatively, tapping with her fingers on her own chin. "You know, girl, I think I kinda like you already."

Later:

"So, that's why you have to sign this," Haruhi finished, thrusting a legal document covered by seals and stamps on Negi's face. "We need a teacher to act as our sponsor and guidance officer to start our club, which is stupid in my opinion, but what can you do about it? Other than signing this ASAP, of course."

As Negi examined the document up and down, adjusting his tiny glasses on his nose, he said, "It seems legitimate, but as I understand, you need at least four members to start a club, and the objective clauses in this statement of intentions seem sort of ... no offense, but ... vague."

"Man, you just arrived, and you already learned about that kind of stuff?!" Asuna exclaimed.

Ayaka smiled proudly. "Of course. It's part and parcel of being a genius, not that you'd even understand. Although I guess, if an ape is able to dress up and attend classes, that makes it a genius of its species."

"THAT'S IT! YOU'RE ON!" Asuna growled.

"We do have four members," Haruhi said while Asuna and Ayaka fought fiercely in the background, opening a door to reveal two other girls sitting around a table. One of them was of average height, thin and rather flat chested, with a long brown ponytail. She had been doing nothing in particular, other than waiting with a dry expression on her face. To Hasegawa Chisame's mild annoyance, it reminded her a lot of her own. The second one wore a black jacket over her school uniform, and glasses, and was reading a thick book in such a way it looked like she wanted to hide within it. She was petite and very pale, and as soon as Nodoka and she made eye contact, they briefly waved at each other. "These are Nagato Yuki-san, formerly of the Lit Club, and, um, Kyonko-san, right?"

"My actual name is-" the ponytail girl began.

"Yeah, well, that's irrelevant now! As for our fourth member, um, she'll be here right now! Wait a sec here! Don't move a muscle!"

And she raced out before anything could, or wanted to, stop her.

Negi blinked, watching her go.

Haruna whistled, then approached Nagato, who seemed to shrink down in her presence. "So, is that a good book?"

"Ah, ah, yes, quite."

Classroom 2-E of High School:

"Oh, ho ho ho, I agree, Sayo-san!" a girl with long black hair laughed, nowhere as Ojou-like as you'd expect from her dialogue. She stood at the back of the classroom, with her back to the door, apparently alone and talking to the air. "They're so weird and creepy! But being afraid of them? Please, like I care at all about what any of those bitches could-"

Then her skin crawled up as she heard a loud, annoying shout of "BUSTED!" coming from the classroom's door, and she spun around to gasp in terror. There she was, the Suzumiya weirdo, grinning evilly at her as she held the cellphone she had just used to film her.

Back at the former headquarters of the Literature Club, now the budding headquarters for the mighty SOS Brigade:

"So, meet our fourth member, Mikazuki Yozora!" Haruhi smiled as she pushed her classmate ahead. Said classmate snarled angrily, and was about to shout an indignant protest when the sight of Haruhi toying with her cellphone blew the words right out her mouth. The evil, evil girl chuckled. "She's been having problems socializing, so I thought, 'Wouldn't it be great to pull her into a wonderful circle of friends before she starts talking to imaginary friends?'"

"That's very noble from you, Suzumiya-sempai," Naba Chizuru smiled saintly, bringing both hands together over her voluminous chest. Konoka nodded her agreement, giggling in glee.

The Mikazuki girl groaned in a way Chisame found, again, too close to her own for comfort. "Before this goes any further, there is something I need to know," she said, well aware she was starting that conversation in what had to be one of the worst possible ways. "What's this freaking club intended to do, anyway?"

"Your guess is as good as mine," Negi said, shrugging as he signed the required papers.

Dat Evening:

"You stink," Yuuna bluntly told him.

Negi lifted his gaze from the thick hill of sheets Haruhi had given him, stating the multiple rules and goals of the SOS Brigade, and blinked as he looked at his roommate's face. "Excuse me? I know it may have looked like a foolish, impulsive decision, but what else could I do? I saw no good reason to reject them, and it was an honor to-"

"Never mind that!" Yuuna snapped. "You really stink!" she pinched her nose. "Gross! Come to think about it, I haven't even once seen you going to clean up since you arrived..."

He put the paper he had been reading from down and calmly stated, "But I'm not dirty. So I don't need to clean up."

"Yes, you do!" Yuuna insisted, then shouted towards the small kitchen. "Akiraaaa! He's dirty, isn't he?"

"Yes, he is," Akira agreed, without turning back from her dishwashing duties.

"There must be some misunderstanding here," Negi insisted, "since I-"

"I can smell you all the way from here, Sensei," Akira quietly said.

Negi made a small frown. "Well, if you thought I smelled bad, why didn't you tell me during dinner?"

"We thought you'd go clean up on your own," Yuuna said, "but as soon as you finished, you came straight here and haven't even taken that smelly jacket off!"

"It's a cold evening," Negi defensively said. "And, um, I was waiting, since bathing so soon after eating is bad for your health, and-"

He finally cracked under Yuuna's accusing glare. "Fine, so I don't like taking baths! We all have our quirks, don't we?"

"That's not a quirk, that's being a filthy pig!" Yuuna dumped a towel on his head. "I'm not going to sleep with a boy who stinks!"

Instantly, he peeked up from under the towel, with creepily sparkling eyes. "So you'll sleep with me if I bathe?"

"That's not what I -"

"Meaning you won't kick me off your bed this time?"

"Oh, c'mon, Sensei, that's the least you should expect -"

He smiled. "I'm glad you agree!"

"I mean, bathing is the least you'd expect from anyone trying to fit into society!"

"Just say yes, Yuuna-chan," Akira said. "What harm is there on it? But, if you don't want to, I could -"

Seeing Negi's eyes were shining even more now, Yuuna cut her words short, with annoyance. "Fine, fine, alright! You win! Take a bath like a good boy, and I'll indulge your weird trauma just tonight, okay?"

Negi nodded. "It's a promise. I'm not very good at it, but I'll try my best."

Yuuna made a face. "It's just taking a freaking bath. It doesn't take a college-level child prodigy to master that."

Slowly, haplessly, Negi shrugged.

"Why don't you help him?" Akira suggested, now calmly wiping a plate dry.

"Why should I-" Yuuna began.

"Fine, I'll do it, then. Just wait a few minutes and I'll be there with you, Negi-sen-"

By then, however, Yuuna already was pulling Negi out their front door.

Akira blinked. Why was Yuuna acting so strangely lately?

The good news was that Yuuna-chan was very, very fast at stripping people. The better news was that she had just shown that by stripping Negi at high speed before grabbing him. Sure, she had tossed him into the water immediately afterwards, but ... so worth it. The bad news was that he was now in the water, which always was such a bummer.

Negi resurfaced a second later, coughing water. "You didn't know I could swim!"

"I'd have pulled you up if you couldn't," Yuuna muttered, turning around from the edge of the large pool.

"Even so, I've read about the proper procedures of Japanese bathing, and I'm quite sure first you had to ... rinse ... me ..." his voice faltered as he saw Yuuna stripping down to her white underwear before his wide eyes, showing more to him than he had ever seen of her before. Once she was down to her bra and panties, she sighed and turned back.

"What?" she asked, noticing his blush and spaced out stare. "This isn't any worse than a bikini. You've been to the beach before, right? So don't look at me like a pervert!"

"No. I mean, I mean, I've never been to a beach before," he had to admit, floating with the water up to his chest, which meant his erection was out of Yuuna's visual range for now.

"Seriously? Wow, your loss, kid. Well," she said with an air of resignation, sitting on a small plastic bench and gesturing for him to get closer, "I'm going to wash you just this once, alright? So pay attention, there'll be a test next time," she smirked, glad to pull their roles around even if only once.

Negi pouted, rising from the water with his hands blocking his privates. It wouldn't do, scaring her yet. "Oi, don't mock me like that. Okay, show me," he said, sitting on the portable bench before hers, exposing his back and scalp to her. "But please be gentle."

"I'm not Asuna," Yuuna said, lathering her hands up with soap before rubbing it up and down Negi's back, stopping herself right above his small tight buttocks. "Wow, you're tense. Your back is stiff like a board."

And it's not alone, Negi thought, keeping his hands pressed on his genitals, rubbing them just a teeny bit and very discreetly to give himself at least some measure of relief. Keeping his voice steady as those feminine hands massaged him, he said, "It's just the stress of acclimating here, but it's okay, I'm growing used here quickly. You, um, have a pretty country. And a pretty communal bath, too," he observed, looking all around the gigantic Roman-styled academic bathouse. And even prettier body, and face, and that smell, oh God!

"Yeah, this is Mahora's pride. It can hold up to 100 girls at once," Yuuna easily replied, briefly washing Negi's chest with her hands, wondering if it was normal for his nipples to be that hard.

"Then, what if someone -?"

"At this time? It's unlikely," Yuuna mused, now washing his hair with rather cold water, which made him shiver. "All good children bathe early, after all."

Negi sighed, choosing to ignore the barb. "I see. Thank you, Akashi-san. You're going far beyond the line of your duties as a student here. I can call you Yuuna, right?"

She shrugged. "It's the same to me. If it makes you feel more at ease around me, sure thing, go ahead. Akashi-san is my father, after all."

"Actually, that'd be Akashi-sensei, wouldn't it?"

"Don't spoil the joke, Negi-kun."

"Ah. Sorry. Um, well, this means a lot to me, and believe me when I say I'll never forget it..."

"You don't say. Has anyone ever told you you have a real talent for saying things that just sound wrong under the circumstances surrounding you at the time?"

"A few times, yes. Why-"

"You'll learn when you're older," she told him.

He puffed his cheeks up. "I'm not that naive, you know."

"Negi," she said, stopping for a moment to lightly slap his shoulders. "Let's make something clear here. Right now, half of me believes you ARE as naive as most kids, just in a messed up way. The other half is convinced that no, you're just a little creepy pervy twerp. Now, I believe in the benefit of doubt and all that, so ... please just stop giving my latter half more ammo, will you? Because I really don't want to end up an Asuna."

"What's so wrong about Kagurazaka-san? That's the second time you have talked dismissively about her tonight. I think she seems like a nice girl."

"She bombarded you with chalk today!"

"Ah, so that was her? Well, I'm sure she only wanted to - um, test my reflexes?"

"There's nothing really wrong with Asuna," Yuuna said, choosing not to argue that stupid question. "She's a good friend and all, but she can hold really bad grudges, and that's something I never want to do. That's why I'm asking you to not give me any reason to think you're enjoying this too much."

His blush and body heat grew as she washed over his ribs. "Of course I'm not enjoying this too much," he stiffly lied.

"Great," she snarked. "Then, about that whole Armageddon delusion you were babbling about yesterday, what's the exact deal with that?"

"It's not a delusion!" Negi protested. "It's ... oh feathers, someone is coming," he tensed up, his voice tightening.

Yuuna also grew alarmed, following his gaze towards the bathouse's door. As soon as she glimpsed a female form appearing on the doorway, she pulled Negi along and jerked him towards a side, hiding from sight behind several large statues of naked nymphs, before the just arrived young woman carelessly strolled in, followed by several others. Apparently, much to both youngsters' relief, they hadn't been spotted, maybe because Saotome Haruna wasn't wearing her glasses at the moment.

Or anything else beyond a pink towel loosely wrapped around her shoulders, either.

Fortunately, the girls who were pouring in chose to gather at the far end of the section, which regardless was still close enough for Negi and Yuuna to be able to hear them quite clearly. Even worse, after Haruna, Nodoka, Yue, Konoka, Asuna, Ayaka and the freckled Murakami Natsumi walked in, so did Akira, holding a small bath basket and looking around in all directions.

"Looking for someone?" Haruna asked, sitting down to start washing herself.

"Yuuna was brining Sensei over to bathe him, but I guess they must have finished quickly," Akira quietly said. "I only hope she still washed him well."

"What?!" the blonde cried. "You, you, you girls! Not only you're living with Negi-sensei, but you're taking the liberties of bathing him?!"

"Here we go again," Asuna sighed, working on Konoka's smooth back.

"It can't be helped, Iinchou," Konoka said, "he's still a child in need of help with our customs, and it was Grandpa himself who decided where he'd stay." She made a small pout. "It was so mean of him, not giving us a chance!"

"He truly is a wise man," Asuna hummed.

"But it's unfair!" Konoka huffed. "I'd prefer a cute nice gentleman like him to all those old creepies I meet at those omiais."

Listening intently from where he remained trapped between Yuuna's back and the wall, Negi took careful mental notes and extrapolated. So Konoe-san did like him! Oh, that made him so happy. She seemed so nice, and was so beautiful ...

Yuuna winced, feeling something tiny but very hard poking against her lower back. "That'd better be your knee," she warned in a whisper.

"Uhhhh," Negi said.

Yuuna bit her tongue and made subtle gestures of strangling the air.

"Maybe he'd let us keep him if we ask nicely?" Haruna wondered aloud, ignoring Akira's subtly fierce stare at her comment.

"That'd imply you could do anything nicely," Yue dryly snarked.

"Oooohh, good one!" Asuna chuckled.

"A child in his formative years shouldn't be allowed to stay with you, Saotome-san!" Ayaka protested, standing up to give the child in his formative years a cnice view of her bare ass. Negi made a strangled hiss and took a hand to his mouth. Then one of Yuuna's hands cruelly blocked his eyes.

"Because you'd be a better alternative, Iinchou?" Haruna countered.

"Sensei is already quite content where he is," observed Akira, and it was true. While Yuuna had just obstructed his view of paradise, the warm and wet sensation of her body firmly pressing against his more than made up for it. His small dick throbbed, which Yuuna could notice, making her stifle a scream, and give him a slap the other girls almost could hear. Maybe Asuna did, to some degree, since she looked for a second towards the statues before being distracted by the verbal sparring between Ayaka and Haruna.

"What's this nonsense about body types and motherhood?" Haruna was all but yelling now, and damn, but it felt weird for Asuna to be on the watching side of a fight with Iinchou for once. "You're just making crap up now! Besides, if that's how you want to play it, my breasts are bigger than yours!"

"It's not about the raw size, it's about the ratio between the breasts and the overall body mass, and let's be honest here, Saotome-san, you have a bit too much extra body mass!"

"Slander!" Haruna roared. "I'm fit and athletic as it befits a daughter of the Saotome Clan! Why don't you go bother that cow you live with?!"

Natsumi trembled violently. "Please! She'll hear you!"

"That 'cow', as you call her, is three times as much of a woman as you are!" Ayaka argued.

"Yeah, but only in the chest area!" Haruna chuckled.

Negi managed to take a look over Yuuna's shoulder. "Are they seriously trying to transfer me?"

"And I'm going to cheer them all the way!" Yuuna replied, crimson-faced and barely managing not to scream her lungs off. Fortunately or not, the sounds of the escalating discussion between Haruna and Ayaka drowned out her voice. The exchange of unplesantries kept itself for a few minutes more, as the girls bathed and briefly tussled in the water, Asuna laughing like a fool and Yue shaking her head the whole time as Nodoka hiccuped weak requests for peace. Natsumi, who perhaps was wiser, just stayed as far as she could while taking a rather hasty bath; she left the first of them all.

Eventually, however, the fight sizzled into an anticlimactic end as both girls pulled apart and darkly muttered things Negi couldn't make out too well. They abruptly gathered up their bath utensils, rose from the water, and briskly walked out, Nodoka and Yue shadowing Haruna's steps. Akira left just as soon with a disheartened sigh, and finally, out went a still guffawing Asuna and fairly amused Konoka. The door closed after them, and only then, Yuuna exhaled a deep sigh of relief and fell from the position she had been taking shielding Negi's body and his discarded clothes with her own physique.

Negi looked attently at the door. "... no more?" he wondered to himself, sounding faintly disappointed.

"Nnnrrrghh!" Yuuna growled.

"- you know, I'd have expected for Kagurazaka-san to have at least some pubes and Ayase-san to be fully hairless, but it's the other way around. I guess it's another way life reminds us we never should take anything for granted."

"Rrrgggghhh!" Yuuna growled.

"If you ask me, I wouldn't call Saotome-san 'fat'," Negi continued musing aloud, with a hand on his chin, and the other on his ... well, guess. "Her body structure just happens to be naturally bigger than Yukihiro-san's, but her muscle tone is defined enough to tell me she must have undergone a serious training regime on- Oh, sorry, Yuuna-san, you're upset, aren't you? Is this about my, um, well-"

"Bbbbrrrghll!" Yuuna briskly turned around and began strangling him.

As Negi's eyes popped up, he rated her skill with a 7. Obviously not trained at all, but showing a lot of promising potential. Then again, suffocation wasn't really too much of his thing...

Meanwhile, the other girls' walk back to their rooms was abruptly interrupted when they came to a terrified halt. For they found Chizuru, Ku Fei, Chao Lingshen, Asakura, Tatsumiya Mana, Izumi Ako and Sasaki Makie at the middle of a corridor, facing a gigantic hairy beast, one that towered over everyone, sending enough panic into the hearts of the two Sports Girls to send them cowering behind the tranquil, dark skinned Mana, trembling as they clung to her. Instantly, Nodoka and Yue had the same reaction involving Haruna, and Asuna quickly pushed Konoka behind herself, protectively.

Asakura, as expected from her even if the world happened to be crumbling down right around her, was taking pictures of the unexpected and gigantic panda bear and the just as soaking-wet grumpy red haired girl who stood at its side, from all the angles she could take. Chizuru just stood there with a hand on her cheek, regarding the bizarre situation with remarkable aplomb, while, perhaps not too surprisingly, Chao and Ku were acting as if nothing was out of the ordinary, talking in perfect Mandarin Chinese with a very pretty and curvy girl in a red Chinese dress, who was just as wet as the panda and the pigtailed redhead. They even laughed together at seemingly random times, often while tossing glances towards the rest of the girls, but this stopped when one of the glances Chao was giving fell on Haruna.

Then Chao pointed at the Saotome girl and said something, at which the unknown female with long purplish hair gave a grateful nod before walking directly towards the amateur mangaka, who swallowed hard.

"You Saotome Haruna?" the stranger asked her.

"Ahhhh ... who wants to know?" Haruna asked back, trying her best to hide her much smaller friends behind her own body.

As a reply, the girl grabbed the redhead and pushed her ahead, until her nose was almost touching Haruna's. "This your brother, Saotome Ranma, and this," she added, gesturing towards the growling bear, "your father, Saotome Genma. I your sister-in-law, Shan Pu of the Joketsuzoku Amazons. Nihao!"

Haruna's petrified face slowly tilted back and forth between the awkward looking redhead, who looked intently at her own feet muttering a clumsy greeting, and the panda bear, who finally, with a growl that sounded a lot like an over-emotional bawl, lunged ahead to catch Haruna in a tight, possessive hug against his fur, prompting many terrified shrieks from Nodoka, Yue, Ayaka, Natsumi, Ako, Makie and Akira.

"Um, yeah, well, there's some family resemblance, I guess," Asuna hummed, taking a few wary steps back.

"Asuna-chan!" Konoka lightly slapped her on a shoulder.

"Yeah, sorry, you're right, I never wanted to insult a poor animal."

"Asuna-chan, you realize you're mocking a classmate who is about to die, don't you?" Konoka asked.

"About to die? Just look at them!" Asuna pointed at how the bear danced around the corridor, with a shocked and for once mute Haruna in its arms, the beast crying thick streams of tears as it held her closely. "Is that the attitude of a monster that is about to kill someone?"

Mana stared with cold, professional calm at the girl who had identified herself as Shan Pu. "I think we are in serious need of a complete explanation," she said, making it sound like quite a command.

Shan Pu gestured towards Ranma. "Husband in charge of explanations to friends and family."

"Don't call me 'husband'!" the redhead protested, then exhaled a very long and pained sigh. "Okay, everyone calm down, there's a perfectly sane and rational explanation for all of this."

"I really strenuously doubt that," Yue dared to say.

"Okay, there isn't," Ranma allowed. "I still can't make much sense of it, myself, but ... what the heck, you at least should more or less understand by the time you finish listening. Can we take this somewhere in private?"

"You mean you're inviting us to go further indoors with two strangers and an unchecked live bear?" Asakura asked.

"Um, basically, when you put it that way."

"It should make for a hell of a news report," Mana pointed out.

"Taken," Asakura nodded solemnly. "Well then, what are we waiting for?!"

Shan Pu looked at Ranma. "Your sister's friends very weird people."

"THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TELLING EVERYONE THE WHOLE TIME!" Chisame's voice screamed from behind the door of her barricaded-from-the-inside room.

Finally, Yuuna let him go, with a disgusted look at his lower regions. "Oh God, just look at yourself. It's hard again. Don't tell me you grow excited when girls lose their temper at you, little freak."

He coughed and gasped for ait before whining, "It's not like I could control it. What do you expect me to do? It's a natural reaction of my body."

Maybe suffocation did excite more than he thought, at least when Anya wasn't the one doing it. Perhaps the bigger hands were the answer?

"Well, in case you didn't know, when you start feeling like 'that', you start thinking of baseball!" Yuuna shot, hands on her hips. "It's what all boys do when they have to reign in their urges!"

Negi blinked. "How do you know that?"

"I saw it in a TV series once!"

"Ah, forgive me for saying this, but I don't think that's the best source of-"

"Just try it!" she interrupted him.

"Mmmm..." Negi hummed, looking aside and thinking of baseball as much as he could. Yuuna stared on, and saw his erection still didn't go down.

"..." Yuuna said.

Negi made a mortified face. "I can't help it! Female baseball players are so... cute!"

"THE SECRET'S THINKING OF MALE PLAYERS, DUMBASS!" Yuuna tugged on her hair.

"Mmmm..." Negi hummed, looking aside and thinking of baseball as much as he could. Yuuna stared on, and saw his erection still didn't go down.

"..." Yuuna said.

Negi sighed. "That won't work. I'm bisexual."

Yuuna's face twisted into a mask of terror. "Wait, you are? What the hell? I, I mean, you really know that much about ... those things already?"

"About sex?" he casually asked.

Yuuna slammed both hands on her own face.

"Now, Yuuna-san," Negi lectured in a reasonable tone, "sex is a natural part of our lives, and we have no real reason to be ashamed about what God gave us, or about communion with our fellow men and women."

"Put on the damn towel already, brat!" she yelled, tossing said towel in his face.

He sniffed it. "Still smells of you."

Yuuna snarled and began tightening the towel around his head.

"IT WAS ONLY AN OBSERVATION!" he cried. "Please, think of what would your father do if he saw you acting like this!"

"Don't mention my father with your dirty little twerpish mouth!" she told him. "Unlike you, he's a real gentleman!"

"I know," he said, taking the towel off his face with another short cough. "Sorry if I've offended. Believe me, I hold nothing but the utmost respect for Akashi-sensei. From what I know on him, he's a great human being, father, enforcer and mage... oops," he said, biting his tongue.

Yuuna's eyebrows went up. "What?"

"N-Nothing, it must have been the lack of air, I forgot, no, that is, I was thinking of someone-"

"No!" she growled, pushing him against a wall. "I just heard you very clearly! And you WERE talking about my dad! What's this nonsense about him being someone like you?!"

"Now, now, Yuuna-san, despite his having another daughter out of marriage, I wouldn't say he's like me at all, no doubt he's much more - You knew about the other daughter already, didn't you?"

"YES I DID!" she shouted on his face. "I meant the part about him being a mage! Explain, you sick little motherfucker!"

"Actually, my latest health checkups right before flying here showed I'm in perfect health, and I've never done it with my mother, I haven't ever even -"

"You know what I'm talking about! Stop skirting about it and fucking explain!"

He sighed. "Promise you won't get mad?"

"Of course, since I'm already mad! Now talk or else!" she gestured threateningly towards the Springfield Family Jewels.

Now that finally did it. "O-Okay, sorry! Sorry! Just don't be mad at your father, I'm sure he had nothing but your best interests in mind, he's a mage yes but he isn't even a field agent anymore and he loves you a lot that's why he's tried to keep you safe and please don't do anything you'll regret later!"

Yuuna dropped him, with huge and nearly blank eyes. "Oh my God. What. What in the world is this, I don't even ... how could he do this to me?!" She stomped a bare foot.

"It's not so bad, he's still the same person you always knew, it's just -"

"No, of course he isn't, you dumb horny brat! That changes everything, don't you see?! Now he's revealed to me as a liar who kept me in the dark about his real life during all of mine! What would you call someone who has the balls to do that?!"

"A concerned, caring parent?"

"He played me for a fool since I was born!" she cried, beginning to walk in circles really fast. "What was he expecting, to keep me fooled for all of my life? And why? Didn't he trust me? I'm fourteen already! You're only ten and not only they let you watch porn and hold a job, but they trained you at the whole magic crap!"

"Yuuna-san, I-" Negi softly said, as she stopped, sat down on the floor, and began crying, with her face in her hands. "I don't know what to say, this is all my fault for-"

"Shut up!" she sobbed, tightening the hands around her face.

"What can I do to-"

"Nothing! Disappear from my life forever, that's what! And even that won't undo what you've already done to me!"

"But I can't leave you now. From here on, I'm under the obligation of making it up to you, no matter what it takes."

She grunted. "You? What could a mess of a person like you do for me?"

"... you tell me, and whatever it is, I'll make good on it."

"Don't be stupid," she rubbed her leaking nose. "I doubt you can make anything good for anyone. All you can think of is sex you shouldn't even know the first thing about yet."

"Sorry, but you're wrong," he replied. "Sex has made my life much better, and it even has helped me to shape my purpose. Maybe you'd be happier if you, too, embraced -"

Again, she interrupted him with a hostile glare. "Wait, wait, have you actually had sex? Like, sex with others? Not only having nasty thoughts on the subject?"

He nodded. "A gentleman doesn't kiss and tell, so I can't tell you with whom, but ... yes, I have. And I greatly treasure each of my moments at it."

She grimaced. "You little fucking sicko!"

"Um, haven't you had sex yet, Yuuna-san?" he warily asked. "I had read modern Japanese youngsters started experiencing with intercourse far earlier than your prior generations."

She blushed a lot. "Wha...? N-NO! Of course not! Keeping myself a virgin until I find the right person is part of the values I learned from ..." And then the fire in her voice suddenly became quiet and bland. "... my father... the liar..."

Negi blinked as he saw her standing back up, rubbing her eyes. "Yuuna-san?"

"Fuck my father," she grumbled. "Fuck him and all the lies he taught me. Fuck this stinking world that is about to end anyway and makes no sense!" She tossed her hands up. "And to think I've been an idiot all this time, following his teaching like a good little girl, restraining myself for his sake, while he was never enough of a man to tell me any of the truths about this world!"

"Yuuna-san!" he grew scandalized. "One never should talk that way about your father! A proper lady like you shouldn't show-"

"What proper young lady? I'm not that, because that'd be the kind of lie he'd want me to be," she said, tightening her fists at her sides. "Hey, kid. You're still hard, aren't you? Hard about me?"

"What's the-"

"Are you, yes or not?!"

"What does that have to do with-?"

"Yes, you are! You want to fuck me, don't you?! That's why you keep sneaking into my bed playing the innocent!"

"N-No! I really have nightmares, and I really sleepwalk, I'd never lie to a student under my care!"

"Oh. So you wouldn't lie to me?"

"I've been more open with you than I should have been, haven't I?"

"Then ask my original question, and don't lie! You want to fuck me, don't you?!"

He doubted, trembling in fear, before squeaking out the truth that was requested, nay, demanded. "... yes? But, but that doesn't mean you'd ever have t-"

"Then this is your lucky day, brat," she purred gruff and madly, grabbing him by the shoulders and swooping down to land a strong kiss on his mouth.

Yuuna had often been told, by relatives, teachers, classmates and other friends alike, she was too impulsive for her own good. And maybe, she faintly reflected now with the parts of her mind not fogged up by how Negi tugged the bra off her chest and began fondling and squeezing her decently sized breasts, that was true after all. Maybe. Because otherwise, she wouldn't be mounting her cute new teacher as she pushed him on his back against the floor.

Yuuna had been told less frequently that she needed to vent her inner demons through intense, nearly maniacal exercise, which normally took the form of her basketball practice. Although a few times, moved by curiosity, she had followed Mana to her shooting range, and once or twice, Mana had even offered to let her fire her guns, which was a surprisingly nice and even exciting release for the shorter girl. Yuuna sort of felt that same way now, straddling Negi's hips and breathing as loudly as he did, placing a hand on his harder than expected chest while he pulled the panties down her hips and legs.

"Are you... really sure about this?" he asked as he panted, already pointing the tip of his small tool towards her vulva.

"Yeah, well, it's not really about being sure or not anymore, is it? Was it ever about that to begin with?" she wondered aloud through the haze of her spinning mind.

Negi looked doubtful now. "I'm not even sure of what are you trying to mean by that. What I do know is you're acting on the heat of the moment, and frankly, as thrilled as I am now, I still won't want it if you aren't keeping a cl-"

"Oh, shut up, you hypocrite," she said, leaning down to lick all over his mouth, lining herself so, with a sigh, he could grab her hips with both hands and lower her enough to push the head of his penis into her. Yuuna took her head back and hissed, even though he wasn't that much thicker than a finger, and certainly not very long either. As she kept being pulled down and he kept going up her, she made an interesting string of amusing reaction faces. "Um, unh, I think, it hurts, that's my hymen I guess. Wha, what the fuck, after all that exercise..."

"Shhhh," Negi cooed soothingly, kissing one of her nipples as she gently rocked up and down, trying to get her used to it. "It's normal, it always hurts at first, it won't anymore if you just relax..."

Relaxing wasn't a thing she really could do now, or else she wouldn't have ruined her life on an angry whim as she had just done. But she still tried, choosing to focus on how good it felt, challenging and disappointing her father's expectations on her. Her beloved father, the light of her life. If you could just look at me now, look at how badly you failed, just like you failed Natsuki-san too, look at this whore you produced, you no-good liar, you hot -

"Nyaaaaannnhhh," she mewled, rotating her head as she bounced on his hips. They said the best revenge was living well, and now she was actually living the life, as Negi grunted and his thing twitched inside of hers, their flesh slapping lightly on continued contact. She was not thinking in long term at all... which was more than could be said of him.

Negi closed his eyes and focused on the spell. Well, now it started. Time to begin making Grandfather proud. Under his breath, he chanted the words in Latin that Yuuna barely noticed and she cared about even less. The magic flowed from him to her, triggering her ovulation into full gear, readying her for the moment of climax. The spell was twofold, also increasing her sensitivity as the great old pervert who had created it intended. Yuuna began screaming like a strangled woman, jerking her hips violently, instinctively attempting to milk the thing buried into her, massaging it with her contractions to claim his treasure.

A few moments after that, he was all too happy to oblige.

"Yuuna!" he cried, clinging to her while bursting, spraying her insides with his hot seed. The final release of carnal liquid and arcane magic made Yuuna tremble in a mightier orgasm than anything her fingers had ever brought on her before, and she shrieked without a care, mashing her pelvis against Negi's and leaving it that way for as long as she could.

Finally, as white drops trickled down to the floor, she rolled off and away from him, blocking her flushed face with a forearm. "Oh my God," she mumbled, tongue sneaking out. "What, what have we just done?"

"It's a bit too late to regret it now," Negi quietly opined, staring up at the ceiling.

"I know that," the girl grumbled in frustration, "it's just, fuck, now I'll go to jail and you'll be booted out, won't we-"

"As a great wise woman used to say," Negi flatly said, "All of this is within my calculations."

"So, you had calculated fucking me from your arrival?"

"No, but I've been planning for almost every likely scenario for the last couple of days," he said, trying to sound more neutral and composed than he felt.

"So you're saying you considered it likely that I'd want to fuck a child after like two days of knowing him, and then even use the word 'fuck' liberally sound him," she groaned, feeling like vomiting on herself.

He shrugged. "It has happened more often than you'd suspected. For some reason, it tends to happen to me."

"Not that you're complaining."

"No, to be perfectly frank, not really."

"You're a really messed up kid. To say the least."

"Yes. Yes, I know."

She sighed and rolled back on top of him. "And so I am, by proxy," she conceded with a defeated sigh.

He placed his hands on her buttocks. "That's a big part of your appeal."

Yuuna felt like saying something in outraged protest, but just pushed herself back down against his quite probably abnormally fast recovering erection instead.

Haruna and Ku Fei's room:

As soon as Shan Pu-san poured the water of the teapot on the redhead's head, the pigtailed girl began waving her arms yelling "WAAAUUUGHHH! TOO HOT, TOO HOT, TOO HOT!" Mid sentence, however, her high feminine pitched became suddenly lower and deeper, as her body changed into that of a young black haired man whose clothes were much tighter on him now.

"Oh my!" Chizuru said, a hand finding her way to her cheek. "Ranma-san, is that really you?"

Elsewhere, one Tendo Kasumi sneezed.

"What, what manner or trickery is this?!" Ayaka cried.

Natsumi's eyes had become quickly spinning spirals. "Oeoeoeoe..."

Nodoka placed both hands on her small mouth and fainted.

Yue sighed and went to get Haruna's first aid kit, with the air of someone who did that all too often.

Ku Fei folded her arms and hummed, nonplussed. "So you been to Jusenkyo, have no you?"

"Jusenkyo? W-What's a Jusenkyo?" a rattled Asakura asked.

"Jusenkyo," the boy said in a grave, grim tone, "is the cursed land of legendary shape shifting springs in the depths of China ..."

"... which they no know about until they fell into springs," Shan Pu added.

"Yeah, but only because this guy is such a lousy trip planner!" Ranma growled, poking punches on the bear's tummy, making the animal grumble. "Anyway, yeah, I'm Saotome Ranma, how do you do. Since my childhood, I've been in a training trip with Pops here around all-"

"Ranma-oniiichan, it IS you!" Haruna, after defrosting herself from her blank-faced state of shock, jumped across the table to tackle Ranma in a viciously strong hug. "This, this is wonderful! I hadn't seen you since we were children! And you never called! You never e-mailed! Mom and I were half-convinced you had died!"

"E-mailed? What's that?" Ranma blinked.

Haruna blinked as well, then looked at his face. "What?"

"That's my line," he said.

"Hm ... Exactly WHERE did Dad take you, anyway?"

"Well, other than China, we were mostly in the mountains, but we also spent a couple years in a small town on Okinawa, and there was this sea trip where we shipwrecked on Monster Island and spent a few months in hiding. It was quite a good workout, actually. The doctors said we didn't absorb enough leftover radiation for it to be dangerous, so I guess everything worked out fine."

Haruna gave Ranma, then the panda, an appalled powerless glare. The she sighed and asked, "Then, from what I see, you change back into a man when splashed with hot water ..."

"... and we change into those forms again if we touch cold water, yeah," Ranma explained. "The springs we accidentally fell into were cursed by the spirits of a panda and a girl who drowned there centuries ago, so... we were just unlucky."

Makie and Ako were too busy trembling and hugging each other to comment.

"I still can't believe this is happening!" Ayaka gasped. "Even if I'm seeing it!"

"I understand," Asuna nodded. "I wouldn't trust your eyes either, if I were you."

"Yes, that is - wait, what did you mean just now?" Ayaka asked her.

Konoka slammed her hands together, with huge stars in her eyes. "That's... so cool! Incredible! I always wanted magic to be real, and to see it myself!"

"It's the story of the decade, no, the CENTURY!" Kazumi gushed.

The panda grumbled a few times, an incoherent garble that went above everyone's heads but Ranma and Shan Pu's.

"Father-in-law Genma say, if Pineapple Girl talk on subject, Shan Pu welcome to apply Amazon secrecy law on her," Shan Pu translated.

Asakura blinked. "And that law says…?"

Shan Pu leaned ahead and whispered for several moments in Asakura's ear, as the amateur reporter paled like a ghost.

When the Chinese Amazon pulled back, Kazumi nodded weakly. "Okay," was all she said, stiff as a table.

"Secrecy law be hardcore," Ku Fei nodded as well.

As Shan Pu looked around at all of them, the girls, save Nodoka, who still slept in Yue's arms, made quick gestures of zipping their own lips up. In response, Shan Pu gave a very cute and charming smile.

"Aaaaaaand," Haruna took the chance to change the subject as soon as she had it, "Oniichan, what's with this lovable vision of Amazonic beauty who could so completely crush me if she wanted," she added, seeing Shan Pu had started an improptu arm wrestling duel with Ku, which was not only even but cracking the table under their elbows, "being your wife? Weren't you engaged to that Tendo girl back at Nerima? Well, any of them, anyway?"

"Things happened..." Ranma said quite uncomfortably.

"Airen walked into tribe shortly after change. Airen stole food from Amazons. Shan Pu realized, challenged Airen to duel. Airen winned. Shan Pu swore killing Airen, woman who had beaten Shan Pu, as customs say. But Fat Guide of Airen intervened, pointed out Airen was man. So Shan Pu did right legal thing and marry him instead," Shan Pu casually narrated, clenching her teeth and neither she or Ku budged, even now the table was sprawled across the floor, broken. Most of the other girls just stared at them, chills going up their spines.

"Ah," Haruna said. "Were shotguns involved?"

"Everything short of that was," Ranma reminisced with a shudder. "Anyway, Paru-chan, while we settle things up and figure out what to do about those Tendos and about Mom, we wanted to see if we could stay around here for a while. Oh, and I'm glad to see you again, of course. Um, you have grown up a lot. You aren't wasting your time drawing stupid doodles the whole day anymore, are you?"

Haruna gave him a dead glare. "I've won three manga contests this year, Oniichan."

Ranma beamed a smile. "That's my little sister!"

Haruna sighed. "Look, it's not like that'd be my call. Mahora is an exclusive school, and I only got in because of an art scholarship. I can't just pull you in without-"

"My grandfather is the Headmaster, so I'll speak in your behalf, Ranma-san!" Konoka cheerfully offered. "Any relative of Paru is a friend of mine!"

"Seriously? Wow, that's great, Miss, huh-" Ranma said.

"Konoka! Konoe Konoka! This here is my friend and roommate, Asuna-chan! And these are Yue-chan, and Nodoka-chan, and Iinchou-san, Natsumi-chan's the one who is dizzy muttering a Madness Mantra to herself at the corner, Chizuru-san is the one comforting her with that leek, and this is Asakura-san, and Akira-chan, and Maki-chan and Ako-chan, and Ayaka-san, our Iinchou," she said as she pointed at them, one by one. "So, welcome to Mahora Academy! We hope you survive the experience!"

"Bwarf?" the bear asked.

Konoka smiled. "Just some hometown humor!"

"For the most part," added Asuna.

The piece of floor Ku and Shan Pu were at finally collapsed under their pressure, and with twin yelps, they fell down into the bedroom below of one Tomoe Mami-san.

There was a scream of "MY TEACUPS!"

"So, um," Haruna said, "I figure you'll need to be alone for a moment to change back into a man, won't you, Daddy?"

"You're late," Yuuna commented when Akira finally walked in, with the quiet strangely spaced out expression she used to have when faced with something that had rattled her. "What happened?"

"Um, actually, I was going to ask that, myself," Akira said, seeing Yuuna and Negi sat together at the table, him helping her going over that morning's lessons. "I went to the baths to help you, but you weren't there."

Negi blushed and tried to hide his face between the pages of the Neo Horizon book they had been working with, but Yuuna, after a brief bout of discomfort of her own, smoothly answered the question. "Ah, well, we finished early, so we went out to, um, stroll around and, let's say bond," she smiled, as her bare foot caressed Negi's leg up and down under the table. He stifled a groan.

"I see. That was good, actually, since several of the others showed up. It'd have been awkward if they had seen you two there," Akira answered.

"No doubt," Negi nodded, tapping with a pen on a page, thoughtfully.

Akira smiled. "It's nice to see that bonding time worked out. You seem a lot closer now than you were this morning."

"Oh, sure thing," Yuuna said. "We talked a bit, and we learned we have a lot in common. For starters, we learned we both have a bit of a Father-Con over men who left us to our own devices."

"Yuuna-san," Negi half-groaned.

"Yes, Yuuna, please," Akira said, walking closer. "That's unfair to your father and you know it."

"I know, I'm just kidding, geez," Yuuna sighed. "So, since Negi-kun here cooperated and let me wash him all over without a protest, I'll be a woman of my word and let him sleep with me tonight if he wants to."

Negi swallowed hard. Maybe, just maybe, she was going a wee bit too far. What if she wanted exclusive commitment from there on? That was something he really couldn't deliver, not when there was so much to do. "Actually, I was thinking about it, and maybe -"

"No going back now!" Yuuna said, poking a finger against his nose.

"But-!"

"What have I told you? No buts!"

Akira looked back and forth between them with a strange feeling of plain wrongness. Here was Yuuna acting strange again, just in a radically different way now. She wondered if maybe Iinchou, Kakizaki and Haruna were a bad influence on her. "Ah, by the way. You wouldn't believe what has just happened with Haruna-san. I saw it personally, and I'm still feeling like it was a strange dream."

Yuuna raised an eyebrow, interest piqued. "How so?"

"Well, I'll tell you, but please swear you're going to keep it a secret..." her friend said.

"We're both very good at keeping secrets," Yuuna stated, in a way that perhaps should have clued Akira further. But she was more concerned about the odd developments surrounding Haruna right then, so she overlooked that choice of words.

"You'll see, while we were walking back here ... I don't know how they made it here without being spotted, but it was raining outside, so we ran into a wet- Wait, now I realize, if it was raining, why were you strolling?"

Yuuna and Negi paralyzed, at a loss for words, and Akira, confused, waited for a few moments before going ahead, in a more reluctant tone.

"Very well, that, that doesn't matter now, I suppose. The thing is, please don't laugh at me, but I swear we saw an actual, live panda bear and..."

To be Continued Next Chapter.

Author's Notes:

This came out of writing for Side Conquests of an Accidental Stud Monkey, when I realized almost all variations of Negi us Ala Iridians write, even those involved in lemons, branch out from the same starting basic mold of Shy, Awkward Negi. Even when he's accepting the girls' advances on him, he's still extremely reactive most of the time, all the while being the little psychologically damaged sack of complexes and issues we know and love. So I wondered, what if we filled the same sack with a somewhat different set of issues, but making him more proactive and accepting of those situations? Negi has always been a messed up character who imposes upon himself being a soldier, paladin and savior; and suffering through ungodly amounts of physical and emotional hardships before being twelve. And in a way, being willing to sleep with him, no matter how mature he may act, is still abuse from a realistic viewpoint, just as allowing or encouraging his self-endangering tendencies.

Of course, this sort of fiction, to some degree or another, works on a heightened sense of alternate reality where the true 'realistic' nature of these actions is somewhat mitigated, because it'd be too crushing otherwise. Erotica, I think, must always balance the lighter elements of titillation and the realization of the sordid and forbidden as something that shouldn't be embraced in real life.

Anyway, I thought, what about extrapolating those elements in another direction? This Negi has embraced from the start the path most other lemons push his way and all but force him into accepting, the path of the promiscuous lover, but that doesn't make it any more right, does it? Even if Negi truly wants and welcomes it, that only makes him even more broken in a way. He is happy about being that way, and more at peace with himself than most Negis are, but that just means he's more dysfunctional from a social viewpoint, under the smoother and more easygoing facade. What pushed him towards that direction? What does that mean for his heart, his soul? What, indeed?

We shall see.

Next: Negi teaches Baka Pink a few things about libraries, scholar improvement, and oh yeah, that unimportant thing they call sex.