A/N: As far as inspiration goes these two songs helped a lot: In Boxes by AURORA and Outside by Hollywood Undead.
Disclaimer: I do not own Shingeki no Kyojin.
...
Let Me Wake
It was only in her dreams. Only in a pitch black abyss…. deep within her subconscious where Historia found an escape from her reality. Within the emptiness that swallowed her she was shielded from the real world. She didn't have to run away or pretend to be something else for others.
Historia could just simply 'be' and accept her existence, free from all the burdens that weighed upon mankind's shoulders.
But with the crippling loneliness tying her down, she couldn't reach out for the light that shone through the cracks of her broken and neglected heart.
She could never be called truly free but perhaps it was for the best.
Historia couldn't disappoint those who didn't depend on her. Couldn't hurt who didn't care for her or couldn't break bonds that didn't exist.
In the dark Historia could feel a strange sense of warmth that started to wrap itself around her body and slowly started to sink into her skin, coursing through her veins. It felt like an inferno had ignited itself within her and gave off a sense of comfort that she never got to experience.
It wasn't much longer until the grave's silence was replaced by soft incoherent whispers that drifted around in the air.
Growing louder and louder as time passed until Historia could make out what the voices were saying.
"So this is her?"
It was as if the darkness itself was talking, looking down and sneering at her. A useless little girl that only got in others way, good for nothing except to slave under the sun in the fields.
"She's the one who's going to succeed Uri?"
"That fool! How dare he?"
"Letting a half blood like her take on the responsibilities of a god? This is an outrage!"
Her very presence created an uproar of rage that pounded against her skull. She grimaced and cupped her hands over her ears, but it as all invain.
Their voices continued to crawl and creep out of all the darkest corners in her mind.
"Sacrificing her rather than one of his own children. Pathetic!"
"I will not bow down to a bastard like her."
"I say let's just kill her now!"
"Cut off her head!"
"Rip her to shreds!"
Historia just wanted it to stop. Her head was screaming out in pain, vision drowning in every memory of her past, her regrets, sadness ,fears...
Everything.
It was just too much!
"Historia!" A voice sounded loudly, silencing the whispers as the echo of her own name started to die out. For a moment all was still, with only the sound of a heartbeat pounding in her ears.
"It's going to be alright."
Her eyes opened, but still she couldn't see past the black. Only feel herself gently floating down until the emptiness underneath her feet solidified.
Historia reached down once gravity took a hold of her again, just to make that she really was sitting down. She shivered at how moist the surface was beneath her, draining the last bit of warmth from her body.
Small plants that felt like moss grew out of the soft dirt in between the smooth stones, tickling the skin that glided over them.
Just when the Historia started to think that she was alone, the hairs at the back of her neck stood up. She glanced over her shoulder but, ominous presence that made her skin crawl stayed unseen.
A feeling of dread started to well up in her throat, making it almost impossible to breathe. This never happened before. What was she supposed to-
"I won't leave you."
At the sound of that familiar silvery voice, Historia got up from the ground and for a brief moment she wondered to whom it belonged. Or whether it was even real and not just a figment of her imagination.
"I'll be with you each step of the way."
Her bare feet tapped against what soon appeared to be a cobblestone hallway, dimly set alight by green and light blue crystals that shone from above like stars.
The girl's eyes shone like the gemstones themselves as she stared in awe at her surroundings, taking in every detail. Almost as if she was afraid that it would all be swallowed by the night once again.
But even in the midst of such a she couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right.
"It is the will of the First King that his powers be passed on to the next generation if this world is to survive."
Just as the deep voice spoke a blinding light flooded the tunnel, so bright that Historia had to shield her eyes and look away.
But instead of turning back she kept going, overcome by a strange and sudden urge to escape into the light.
It wasn't long before her eyes started to burn with each glance deeper into the light as she drew nearer. Even squinting them didn't seem to help, but still the girl pressed on. Desperate to see what awaited her at the end.
"But to achieve that power sacrifices will have to be made."
With another blind step forward something wet and slick clutched at her feet, sending shivers up and down her spine.
Once she looked down, Historia found herself caught in the middle of a pool of blood that was already starting to dry around her ankles. Before she could even turn around a dark shadow loomed over her.
The girl gulped down the fear that threatened to suffocate her. She turned around, now knowing that it was a mistake to come here.
"This is your destiny."
Destiny?
There was no such thing, at least not for her. She was just a mistake in the world after all. What sort of destiny could await the bastard child of a royal family? Certainly not fame or glory.
Historia shook her head clear of his words, her eyes now fixed upon the trail of crimson that led her way back into the abyss.
"Historia. You will become god!"
When its words reached her, Historia's steps faltered and she turned around with a wide azure stare on the shadow being once again.
Her?
A god?
Although it had no mouth Historia could feel it smile, knowing very well that it wasn't an she would refuse.
Such a position would give her everything she ever dreamt of having.
The shadow then started to move away, luring her deeper into the cave with each step Historia took. Slowly sinking her deeper into the river of blood that grew warmer and its metallic smell even more potent.
The blinding light started to subside, revealing herself standing on top of a rocky platform. At the very edge, shackled between two pillars was the man they called Uri Reiss.
A god who's reign was about to end.
The ability to take away all the power he possessed was in her grasp, taking the form of a syringe that she shakily held in her right hand.
She injected the bubbling orange liquid into her body that burned its way through her veins, without another thought and in no more than a single moment her skin was covered in a sheen of sweat. Her breathing eradicated and heart felt like it wanted to beat itself out of her chest.
Through foggy eyes she could see the outline of the man in front of her. He watched as an explosion of yellow light shot up into the air, shaking the ground and splintering the crystal ceiling above.
When the dust cloud that covered them both started to wither away, it was no longer a human being that stood before him. Instead it was one of mankind's greatest fears.
A titan!
Now with Historia's senses at its peak, the drumming sound of his beating heart and smell of blood became too much to ignore.
She had to devour him.
The girl closed her eyes after one final breath and gave into her lust for blood, tearing through flesh and snapping his limbs in half.
The sound of his cries rang through the cave but was lost to her, overwhelmed by the cracking of bones under her teeth.
Historia continued until Uri Reiss was nothing more than blood spatter on the ground.
The rush of adrenaline only lasted a mere moment until exhaustion swept over her, making the her limbs feel heavy and lifeless.
Her eyes shut and she was drowning in darkness once again...
…
"I should've seen this coming. A half blood like her could never inherit the powers fit for a god!"
The sound of the man's screaming pounded through her subconscious and made her head throb in pain.
"She's not ready yet. Please! Just give her more time!"
Once she found the energy to open her eyes, the blonde was met with a blurry mass in front of her… slowly coming into focus.
"You think that she'll ever be anything else than the monster she's become? Her time is up."
By now she could make out a figure drawing closer and then the person's face, belonging to a woman in her early twenties.
Her glistening green eyes and jet black hair looked familiar but all that Historia could recognize was the same syringe in her hands.
"I'm so sorry that I couldn't save you. I never meant for this to happen."
Once Historia realized what was happening her heart seemed to stop, paralyzed with fear once she the icy touch around her wrists manifested into shackles.
It was as if history was repeating itself, the only difference would be Historia's death and this woman becoming a god.
The true god!
The woman looked down at Historia, eyes glistening with tears and her voice quivering when she spoke.
"I know you're scared and this is going to hurt but I promise… I could never kill my little sister."
"Frieda stop!" She pleaded but knew it was all in vain once the liquid disappeared into the woman's skin.
"Please."
'Stop!'
…
When an intense fear violently jerked Historia back to reality all her previous memories struck a blank and she couldn't remember where she was.
In the dark she could clearly see the sleeping bodies inside the stuffy cabin and her blue eyes darted in every direction.
Once their intoxicating scent flooded her nostrils, memories came crashing back and Historia was instantly aware of the razor sharp touch of teeth on her tongue.
Her heartbeat started to face and the sweat drenching her skin started to evaporate into steam. Soon the girl was gasping for a breath of fresh air and clutching tightly onto the railings of the bunk bed.
Historia knew that if she didn't get out of the cabin now it would be too late.
Once on the ground she stumbled over to the door, already feeling lightheaded before before swinging the door open with all her might.
Outside the moon was tucked behind a blanket of clouds, casting unmoving shadows that enveloped Historia as she disappeared into the woodlands.
In the pitch black of the night she seemed to glide over the landscape as the cool breeze in the air ushered her to the foot of a giant oak tree.
When she was sure that no one had followed Historia sunk down to her knees, letting the branches and fallen leaves hide her from the rest of the world.
Historia hugged her knees and rested her chin atop, slightly rocking herself back and forth to calm down, eyelids feeling heavy when she gazed up at the sky.
She and was tempted to shut her eyes but if she did….
The nightmare might come back.
'I'm alright now. It was just another dream, it's not…real.'
No matter how many times Historia tried, she knew that reassuring lies won't take the pain away.
The horrifying images that haunted her ever since she could remember… the ones she desperately tried to forget, would always be there.
There to remind her of what she was.
A titan.
…
Like a flame being set alight, Ymir's, golden glare flickered to life as she opened her eyes. Blinking a few times before the world came into focus.
She begrudgingly turned around in her bed, eyes drifting from the sleeping bodies around her and then to the frosted glass window.
It was too dark for it to be morning yet and no one besides her was up, so what woke her?
Outside she could see trees bend to the will of the howling winds, making the rickety old door creak as the moonlight tried to pry it's way into the cosy cabin.
Ymir frowned. She was the last person to enter but made sure to close the door shut. There was no was that it could be opened without waking someone up.
Who in the right mind would go outside…
"Historia?" She whispered, blindly looking at the wooden boards of the bed above her and hoping that her paranoia was all for nothing.
There was no reply. Not even a rustle of blankets.
"Historia." Her tone was more urgent this time when she got up to her feet, almost stumbling over a pair of boots on the freezing floor.
The pair were unmistakably her's. Worn out but well looked after, easily the smallest of all the other's that belonged to their squad.
Once Ymir stood at her full length she expected to see the slight rise and fall of the bundle under white covers that spilled golden locks of hair, only just revealing the faint but ever present frown on her pale face.
Instead all her eyes met was a cold and empty bed with the blankets carelessly strewn aside…
She wasn't here.
Ymir's eyes darkened with concern at the thought of Historia being outside in the cold with no boots, jacket or anything to protect her from the frigid weather.
The only reason Historia would have left would because she was in trouble.
Because it was happening again.
Without another thought, Ymir grabbed her own pair and jacket before storming out the the door and shutting it with a splintering crack.
Her eyes instantly started to water as the freezing winds nipped at her face, exposed to the unforgivably cold weather.
In the middle of a clearing close to their cabin, she stood still, eyes frantically searching in every direction for a place where she could be hiding.
When she spotted the giant mass of trees in the distance, Ymir knew that it was where Historia went.
Without question she raced towards the woodlands. It loomed over her like a giant beast, not hesitating to swallow her whole once she drew near.
"Historia!" Ymir called, on edge and alert for anyone or thing that might cross her path.
But there was nothing and an uneasiness swept over her as she continued to plunge deeper into unfamiliar territory. Somehow it seemed to grow even colder and emptier as time passed.
There was no scattering of paws across the forest floor or gleaming eyes in the shadows,making and the woods seem devoid of any life.
As if all that lived there had fled long ago…
"Historia!"
Ymir's cries left a bitter sting in her throat and she could only hope that her voice will reach her…before the numbing air took it away.
Rubbing her hands together she tried to breath some warmth into her numbing hands, but when Ymir looked up, her entire body froze.
Not to far away a horrendous screech rang through the woodland.
One that left a trail of splintered branches and matted grass that led its way to Ymir.
The path she followed was hardly visible to the eye, but enough so that Ymir could notice inky blotches on the ground.
Frowning,Ymir bent down to her knees and once she recognized the thick texture of blood under her fingers, her heart skipped a beat.
It was steaming hot and if not for the cold would have evaporated long ago.
Historia was close. Very close.
But even if she continued looking until the black sky turned into a murky blue, the Historia she knew would be long gone by then.
The moments she sat hidden among grass and shrubs dragged on like hours, listening for anything that might break the deafening silence.
If it was any other person they would've shrugged it off as merely their imagination, but Ymir knew better when she finally heard it.
Soft whimpers and gasps among the sound of shuffling leaves steadily rose Ymir out the cover of shrubs and grass.
Movement was caught in the corner of her eye and when she turned to look, her breath got caught in her throat.
At the foot of a tree which branches swayed to the rhythm of the wind, she sat. The familiar figure dressed in light shades of colour that easily stood out in the the night...was Historia.
Still unaware of the others presence that steadily crept closer, careful not so make any sudden movements.
"Historia." She said gently. Ymir's steps faltering only once she felt the other's ice cold glare move up and down her body.
"You shouldn't be out here this late…"
When she took off her jacket Ymir's usually tan skin was grey, devoid of any warmth and the hand she held out was a shivering blue.
"…It's cold."
With one final step she disappeared in to the tree's shadow, but didn't realize her mistake until it was too late.
It happened in a flash and before she knew it, her body hit the ground, knocking out her breath so that Ymir couldn't even make a sound.
Historia's eyes held no light when she sunk her razor sharp, needle like teeth into the Ymir's shoulder who let out a guttural scream in agony.
She felt the pain crawl closer and closer to her neck and that's when the panic started to set in.
"Historia look at me." The brunette demanded whilst trying to keep the girl from tearing up her throat. "I-I need you to fight it."
But her pleas fell on deaf ears and Historia kept on straining against Ymir's grip, baring blood red teeth with the same glassy look in her eye.
"This…isn't you!"
Gradually the blood loss started to take its toll, blurring her eyes and making her head stagger into drowsiness but that wasn't what terrified her.
Instead it was the thought of what would happen after she was gone.
If Ymir died the reality of what she had done would shatter whatever what was left of the girl and no one would be there to help her when she needed it.
Once the secret was out humanity wouldn't hesitate to kill Historia and she wouldn't be there to protect her.
Ymir's loss would mean Historia's death and she wouldn't let that happen.
Never!
"I said fight!" She roared and with her remaining strength Ymir threw the girl off of her, tumbling a few feet away before landing in a heap on the ground.
The moments that passed seemed like hours before the girl started to stir, groaning as she pushed herself to her knees, blinking once…twice before the light returned to her eyes.
She stared down at her crimson painted hands. Her memories were fractured and distant and she waited for the pieces to fall into place.
"'Storia?"
At the sound of her name Historia warily glanced over her shoulder, eyes wide with fear.
Her blood ran cold once she saw the person inching towards her, gasping for air and clutching at the gaping wounds on her shoulders and neck was Ymir.
Historia didn't have to ask, she already knew what happened. It was written in red on her hands and the answers was a metallic taste in her mouth, making her feel sick to her stomach.
'What have I done?'
Hunched over the ground the blonde grabbed fistfuls of her hair and shook her head violently.
'What have I done?'
The words still rang through her head until the single touch of a hand on her shoulder brought her silence. Tears started to well up in her eyes and fall with soft 'drip' 'drip' onto the ground.
Even after everything that had happened. Attacking Ymir when all she wanted to help and almost killing her in the process…
But even after all that, Ymir was still by her side.
Looking down at her with eyes glowing like that of flaming coals, not with burning rage but a comforting warmth.
Ymir enveloped Historia as if she was a friend that she hasn't seen in years. There was no fear of disgust, not even a flinch when she flung herself at her.
Listening to Ymir's steady heartbeat just to remind herself that she was still here. Still breathing…
Still alive.
"I'm so- sorry-" The girl whimpered, tears flowing down her cheeks like a river. "I… I tried…" Sobs started wracking her body until words were nothing but gasps for breath.
"Shhh….." Ymir whispered soothingly, savouring the heat that radiated from their skin.
"It's been a long time, hasn't it?" She asked, her eyes trailing over the gashes on the girl's arms that seeped blood and steam.
It looked as if whatever monster was possessing Historia tried to claw it's way out from the inside, but they were all self inflicted. All desperate attempts to satisfy her inhuman lust for blood.
"A-almost three weeks now." She whispered, looking down at her lap where her hands clutched at the hem of her sleeves.
Ymir's eyes widened in shock. She had started to notice that Historia's, titan half would usually start to overwhelm her within a little more than a week.
For her to be able to go that long….
Ymir had no doubt that it took every bit of self control not to let the monster take over.
"I tried to…fight it but-" Historia stuttured, shutting her eyes once the memories started to flood her mind. "Wh- when I woke up. I just felt so…"
The words were all there yet she couldn't bring herself to say it. It's been years and the blonde had seen no hope of ever controlling her inner demon.
"If I had stayed…I would've killed them…"
Historia often wondered if it was even possible and if it wasn't…then why try at all?
"Hey. Don't talk like that." Ymir murmured, draping the coat over the girl's shoulders that the wind shook with cold.
"You wouldn't do that."
Even though she tried, Ymir knew that there was nothing she could do or say that would help. Nothing but to hold her in a comforting embrace until the nightmare was over… for now.
After a while the girl's sobs had calmed down to deep and steady breaths. Historia sat on the ground, leaning against Ymir's chest with the sound of her heartbeat in the blonde's ears.
"The dream was different this time." She muttured, scratching off the flakes of dried blood that was left on her skin.
At first Historia's soft whispers were deaf on her ears but Ymir noticed the veminous tone to the blondes words, gradually becoming louder.
"She was supposed to kill me but..."
Ymir stiffened.
"Why didn't she?…I was no better than the titans themselves."
"Historia." Ymir warned, as if she could feel the sting to her words. Feel the pain that the girl was only making worse.
"I should've just died. Killed myself like I was supposed-"
"That's enough." She demanded and Historia flinched away as the words struck.
"I'm…I'm s-" Historia tried to apologize, but Ymir shook her head in denial and breathed out a defeated sigh.
"It's not your fault."
Historia shouldn't have to apologize, none of this was her fault. She didn't deserve to be stuck in the living nightmare that titans had to suffer through.
"You're the one who's hurting and I can't do a damn thing about it. I'm so fucking useless."
"Don't…say that." Historia reached out to cup her hands around Ymir's face, her harsh amber gaze turning soft once they met with a glistening blue.
"You do more than enough. More than I'll ever deserve. When I'm with you my living nightmare is over and it's like I'm truly awake."
Although Ymir tried. Did everything in her power to stop Historia's nightmares from taking over, hoping that and the pain will go away.
Ymir could never truly understand what Historia was going through. Know how it felt to lose control of yourself, live your life knowing that people will only think of you as a monster.
All she could do was hold her when she got scared and wipe away the tears when she was in pain.
Lend an ear when she needed someone to listen and a shoulder for when her burdens became too great.
Ymir can't undo the past that brought Historia so much pain, but she can stand by her side. Hold her hand as she led her towards a better future and maybe…just maybe...
That was enough.
...
A/N: Thanks for reading guys! Honestly this fic was extremely hard for me to write and I had a lot of trouble with it. If you could help me with some feedback and constructive criticism I would greatly appreciate it.