Author's Note: I have been warned that this may go wrong, but oh well. This is based on a book called The Snog Log, which I DON'T OWN, so it's comedy and romance but relative and relevant to the story. You may enjoy this if you're not big on romance stories (Love or Hate is my best) and prefer comedy. Um… that's all I think.
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, either.
The Great Rivalry of the Marauders' Era
James
So there we were. All four of us. Stuck in a dingy alleyway that stank of piss and was mobbed with psychotic freaks, attempting to get us to join in their suicide pacts involving mashed up toads' insides. Not my idea of fun. And why? All to get away from our dear fussing mothers, who had been trying to drag us into Diagon Alley's lingerie shop. Well, at least we're about as far away as we can get from that horrible, horrible boutique. The one that sells animal skins attached to guitar strings for what some messed-up people call underwear. As Sirius had just said, any of us Marauders could have had the unfortunate fate of being cut up and made into arse sandwich. We must count ourselves lucky.
It wasn't just the idea of going in there that was revolting. It was the fact that we might have been seen going in there. Seen by many people… all of whom we know. I'd rather die than let Snivellus see me having to endure such torture. That would be the worst. No, wait. Lily Evans watching a scene like that would be the absolute worst.
I've liked Lily for ages. It's not just her being good-looking, either (or as Padfoot refers to it, "so hot that her hair is on fire" when he was trying—and I mean, trying—to be poetic as his new way of pulling girls. 'Course, he didn't need to bother, but I have got to say it was hilarious when he tried to pull McGonagall for a dare). She's smart and funny too. I'd say kind but those insults she threw at me last term have ruined her chances of me calling her that. I mean, what kind of girl calls you a big-headed vile stuck-up arrogant vomit-inducing greedy arse just because you chatted up her best mate to make her jealous?
"Hello? Earth to James!"
Remus' voice broke my train of thoughts. I shook myself awake to see Sirius laughing, as well as Peter and Remus swapping amused looks.
"What?" I grumbled. I don't like being laughed at.
"You had that look in your eye—that one where you're thinking of Evans," explained Peter.
"You're in luurve," teased Sirius.
"He means you were dribbling," said Remus, who was diplomatically looking at the floor, though I could see in the corner of my eye that he was biting his lip. Oh god. Dribbling…? They had got to be making it up. If Lily caught me dribbling it would be the end of my life, and this time no sadists would have the pleasure of wiping their shit on me. God…
Suddenly the sound of voices filled the alleyway. Female voices, echoing around us. Excited female voices. Surely it wasn't… but, sticking my head out to see who they were, I realised I was right. It was our mothers, fresh-faced and overly-excited, each clutching at least ten bags from the lingerie shop. Well, they do say women are the best shoppers…
"Guess what, Jamesie!" cooed my mother. Oh no. She called me JAMESIE. Do you have any idea how embarrassing that is when you are about to start your seventh year of school? When all of your BEST FRIENDS are there? Great. Really great.
"What?" I growled through gritted teeth. I hoped that this surprise had better be good. If not, well, then I would have to run to the nearest crazy witch and join in their suicide pact because this was not going how I'd hoped. That would show my killjoy of a mother.
"You know that shop we went into?"-- No, mother, I just ran off with no reason. "Well, as I was coming out I banged straight into a very pretty girl that I thought I recognised…" What?! "…and so I asked her if I knew her and she seemed a bit unsure and introduced herself as Lily Evans and then I remembered! I told her I was your mum and obviously she knows you because of the way she reacted… why didn't you tell me you had a girlfriend, son?"
Somebody please murder me.
Lily saw my mum? Carrying a million bags stuffed to the brim with thongs and corsets? Prepared to spill any secret about me to anyone, wait, no, everyone? My life is over!
Thankfully, though, Peter's mum decided that due to me being embarrassed they should clear off, so they did. Leaving me with Sirius, Remus and Peter.
"Your girlfriend, huh?" coughed Sirius. I could kill him sometimes.
"Look, just because she has refused to go out with me doesn't mean that she won't again!" I retorted heatedly.
"Um… you said that last year," Remus reminded me.
"And the year before."
"And the year before that."
"And the year before tha—"
"Okay, OK, I get the picture!" I was fed up of them constantly saying about how it would never work between me and Lily whenever the subject arose. But who were they to talk?
"So are you ready to admit that you'll never be able to get her to go out with you?" smirked Sirius. I hate it when he does that. Acting all superior and arrogant. OK, so maybe I can be a bit like that sometimes. But at least I do it with style!
"No because it's not true," I found myself saying. "She'll go out with me this year."
"Wanna bet?" challenged Peter. He was pulling his one-eyebrow-up one-eyebrow-down look he's been practising in front of the dorm mirror since last summer. It looks hilarious. Still, this was no time to be laughing.
"Oh come on. Let's not bother with all this 'love' crap and crushes," interjected Remus. "I'm sick of you guys saying you are in love or obsessing over a girl. It's stupid."
There was a short pause, before Sirius nodded. "You know what, my friend? You are right."
"I am?"
"Absolutely. Why have one girl when you can have three?"
Remus rolled his eyes. Peter looked excited. I just folded my arms and glowered.
"No I mean it," Sirius went on, "why not? We could have like a competition between the four of us. See how many girls we can get to go out with us or something. To liven up the school year, you know?"
"But that's just so, well, boring," said Peter. "Way too easy." Excuse me? I thought I was supposed to be the Casanova, not him! OK, so he's been out with more girls than Remus, but that's not like anything. Dear Remy has promised his mother never to date girls if it looks like a too-serious relationship. (How SAD can you get? I'm sorry, but that's WAY too damn sad!) Though I must say, he's getting a little more rebellious now. He was on the verge of having a one-night stand after having drunk too much Firewhisky a few months ago, but I dragged him away before anything happened. (He was extraordinarily drunk and didn't seem to realise that despite the fact that he liked girls, it was a BOY that had tried to seduce him. That scarred me for life, that did.)
"So what about snogging girls?" suggested Sirius.
"Snogging?"
"Yeah, you know… see how many girls you can get off with between now and Christmas. How does that sound?"
I thought about it. "To be honest, that doesn't sound too bad."
Sirius clapped a hand on my back. "See, you're livening up, mate. Moony? What do you say?"
"I say… God, I dunno. Doesn't it sound like we're using them? Isn't that a little… cruel?"
Sirius faked a sad sigh. "Shame. I thought we'd have you be a man this year. Away with the promises to your dear mum. Away with the holding back. But seeing that you don't want to, I won't force you…"
"Okay, OK, I'll do it." Remus glared at Sirius. "But only if I get something for doing it."
"Money?"
"I'm in," piped up Peter. "How much?"
"Well, if we all donate 25 Galleons, and the winner gets it all…"
…Then they get 100 Galleons. Man does that sound good! I can just imagine it now, like a Muggle TV advert, me bathing in a foamy hot tub, a glass of champagne in my hand, Lily walking over to me in a green bikini… I make a funny remark and she throws her head back, laughing… I give her some champagne and she takes it gratefully… I spot some more-than-edible chocolates hand-made by Belgium's finest chocolatiers… I offer her one and I see her smile that great smile of hers…
"Dribbling again," stated Sirius loudly. Bloody hell! Again! Am I developing a habit or something? I had better not be! Otherwise I'll be dribbling all the time, hence signing myself up for a lifetime of DOOM. And how can I pull girls when I'm in doom?
"So, are we all in?" asked Remus, who seemed to be taking control of the whole competition thing now that he'd been taunted by Sirius. He might still have his virginity, but he's got his pride too! … Or so he claims whenever we bring it up.
"Wait a minute," squeaked Peter. "How are we going to know if one of us is snogging a girl? We could just say we are, when really we're not!" Ha! So we finally get a confession! I knew he'd been lying to us all along about kissing Melody Adams… she was way too good for him…
"Witnesses," replied Remus. What? Witnesses?! This is turning into some Muggle police show! What was it, The Bill? "I reckon we should have two." What, like Noah's Ark? This is a snogging competition, for gods' sakes! Despite this, I knew what he meant. One could be bribed and two was more reliable anyway.
"So are we all in?"
After confirming that yes, we did all want to win 100 Galleons, Remus announced that he would have to draft out some rules for it.
"Rules?! What for?" Sirius cried out in disbelief. I reckon he's been planning on cheating… serves him right for laughing earlier about me dribbling.
"You'll see," replied Remus, a cheeky glint in his eye. It didn't take a mastermind to clock that he was cooking up a plan or two. I didn't mind too much, though. It was good to see him be more free. As long as it didn't involve mashed-up toads' insides, Lily Evans, or animal-skin thongs, I was fine with it. Just fine.
End of Chapter One
A/N: What do you think? Not that great, I know, but hopefully it will get better as the chapters go on. And don't worry, Love or Hate hasn't been abandoned. I'm still writing chapter thirteen of it and it takes priority (natch). Please Read & Review!