As long as I can remember, the Order of the Winter Wolves is all I have known. My whole life has been dedicated to its service, my only desire to become a knight, to live up to the legends of old. My earliest waking memories are of the ceiling in the chamber that has been mine ever since, and the face of Sir Salles, who remains head of order to this day, looking down at me as I turned my head to see where I was.
"What is your name?" he asked me.
People take such things for granted, and, for those few brief seconds, so had I. But when I opened my mouth to answer him, and no answer came, the fear that gripped my heart was a sensation I cannot describe. Stories sometimes liken fear to a dagger in the breast, a sword thrust into the belly. I have felt these things, and they are nothing like the feeling that came over me when I realised that knew nothing of who I was.
My distress must have been obvious, because Sir Salle's stern, scarred face was swiftly replaced by the lined, kindly face of an old woman, all but pushing the knight away from me with an air of gentle concern and authority. Sir Salles yielded in an instant, exiting the room and leaving me alone with the woman. As the door closed behind him, all I remember feeling was the swelling within me, the urge to weep blocked by something I now think was pride. But when she turned back to look at me, her expression was enough to tear down that dam. She comforted me as I wept. She didn't seem to need words; she simply sat beside me until my tears were exhausted. Then, still with few words, she guided me to a bath that had been drawn earlier, and changed me out of the dirty, ragged dress I had been wearing. Her name was Milari, a Dragon Blood, and a woman whose guidence and tutelage, I am certain, played some part in my Exaltation. She told me of how Sir Salles and his retinue had come across me in the nearby forest, eyes blank and my steps faltering. For a whole day, I said nothing.
It was a few days later that I decided on my name. Milari, had stayed with me, telling me about where I was, and about The Order. I wanted to know more, so she would bring books from the library. These tales of knights battling evil and darkness fascinated me. I knew from that moment that I wanted to stay with The Order. Where else could I go? I chose the name 'Kaya' when Milari told me of The Order's founder, Kayarus. Milari laughed at first, telling me that a man's name was hardly fitting. It was then that she began to teach me to speak Old Realm, and that I managed to render the name into its feminine form.
By the time I had regained my strength, I told her that I wanted to join The Order. She gave me the silent look I had grown used to, the kind that meant she was considering her words very carefully. She was like that. She spoke very little, except when she was reading from the tomes she brought to me.
We sat in silence for a while, and then Milari rose, smiling kindly. Then she told me about herself. She had remained silent about her own past up until then, and I hadn't thought to ask her. Now, she told me of her own time as a knight, the battles she had fought, and still did in spite of her advancing age. She told me how she had fought the Fair Folk, and slain barbarian raiders intent on pillaging an eastern village for slaves. Then she told me of the hardships of a knight's life, of the wounds she had received and the friends she had lost in battle. But none of this mattered to me. All I wanted was to find some kind of purpose in my life, and The Order was the only thing I knew. Something in the idea of knighthood called to me. From that moment, my mind was made up. Nothing she could say would discourage me. When this became clear, she silently sent a servant to fetch Sir Salles. He came within a few minutes, holding a wide gleaming blue and white jade shield embossed with a white lily that looked as if its weight was awkward even in his mighty arms.
He held it before me, and bade me lay my hand upon it, a gesture which Milari mirrored. My mouth was dry with anticipation as Sir Salles read the vows of the squire, which I haltingly repeated, awed as I was by the solemnity of the moment.