A/N: so yeah. My first Merlin fic, woop woop! This is total crack, btw, and NOT, I repeat NOT Gwen/Merlin. Anyhoo, word up to mah homie DarknessDrought, who told me I should write this, and actually beta'd it for me (yes, Loose Women is bad, Hannah dear xP). But yeah, enjoy!

Warning: Spoilers for series four, episode eight... Kind of o.O

Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin [insert witty comment here]

It was dark and dank in that old castle, and Merlin didn't like it one bit. Firstly, he was moody over all the knights being such total man bitches to him. Secondly, the damp in the air was making his hair frizz, and he had only just managed to get it straight.

Sighing (loudly), he fell with grace to the dirty floor. Merlin hated dirt.

Slumping next to Gwen, he noticed (not for the first time) that she was wearing trousers. Ugh, I mean, why wear trousers when she had such great legs? God, she was so unfashionable. She should really consult Merlin every now and then - it wasn't such a big secret between the young ladies of Camelot that Merlin was basically the Arthurian equivalent of Gok Wan.

"Gwen babe," he said, flicking his wrist in her direction, "why do you wear such modest clothes? Honestly, you're so shy it physically hurts me!"

"I don't know, I guess I'm just…" Gwen wrapped her arms around her chest. "I'm just a little insecure about my body," she said, and Merlin literally jumped into the air with a look of absolute horror on his face.

"OMG Gwen!" he put a hand on his lean, waxed chest, "WHY are you insecure? Babe, compared to Gaius, you have the sexiest hips around! Honestly, you look AMAZING naked. You just need better dress sense - why not take a page out of Morgana's book? I mean, that gown she wore in episode one was to die for…"

"Hmm, I suppose you're right…" Gwen said, "Hold on Merlin, we're kind of losing the plotline here. Aren't I supposed to go into my rant about how there's something special about you? And wait a second - how do you know what I look like naked!?"

"Oh sorry, darling," Merlin laughed loudly, and put a hand on her forearm, "Sometimes I just lose myself in the limelight!"

"Uh… yeah," Gwen said, smiling her signature I-pretend-to-be-modest-and-shy-but-I-actually-pwn-all-of-your-noob-asses-cos-I-am-Arthur's-BITCH smile. "Anyhoo: I don't understand it why only the knights have been enchanted, why not us as well?"

"Well you're a woman, duh!" Merlin rolled his eyes and chuckled playfully, "I don't get the feeling that Lamia is a lesbian, babe. All the victims have been men."

"So… why haven't you fallen under her spell?" Merlin gulped, and started to fan himself a little. Could Gwen figure out his deepest, darkest secret?

"Um, I've, uh… just been lucky, I suppose, babe."

"There must be a reason…"

"Gwen," Merlin pouted his lips in a don't-go-there-sister fashion, and said: "just stop pushing me around, alright? It's totes getting boring now, babe. Besides, it might just be the knights Lamia's enchanted…"

"Those villagers weren't knights either."

"Who knows?" Merlin shrugged, "Correction: who cares?"

"No, there's something about you Merlin," cue sweat drop, "it's the way she looks at you, like you're the enemy."

And that's when Merlin's kettle popped.

"OMG GWEN," Merlin shrieked in an oncoming fit of hissyness, "YOU SUSPECT ME OF LIKE, EVERYTHING. I COMPLIMENT YOU, I GIVE YOU SEX TIPS - I SAVED YOU FROM EXECUTION!"

Gwen blinked, and put her hands up.

"Whoa, Merlin," she said awkwardly (honestly, this girl could compare to Kristen freakin' Stewart), "I'm just making an observation…"

"WELL IT'S AN OBSERVATION TOO MANY, GWEN," Merlin stomped towards her, and Gwen lifted vegetable!Elyan up towards her to act as a human shield, "YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY THERE'S 'SOMETHING SPECIAL ABOUT ME'?"

"Umm… yes?" Gwen rubbed the back of her neck.

"I'M NOT AFFECTED BY LAMIA FOR ONE REASON AND ONE REASON ONLY, GWEN," Merlin was so close to Gwen's face now his eyes were going cross-eyed.

Suddenly, he backed away and laid an arm across his face dramatically.

"Gwen," he peered at her freaked out face from under his arm, "I'm a woman."

Words could not describe the look on Gwen's face, so I'll just write this: o.O

"Well, I say I am a woman…" Merlin shuffled over towards her, "I'm still going through the operations, but the cock's gone."

"Too much information, Merlin."

"… It's Merlina, now."

J'ai fini. Again, thanks to Hannah. Word up, sister. AND REVIEWS PLEASE! Even if you don't have an account, please gimme a buzzzz. Hey, if I get enough, this could turn into a series of crack!drabbles... ;D