Title comes from "Big God" by Florence + The Machine.
He should go to the Cave.
Kaldur knows this. Batman is waiting for a decision, and he's made one, so he should go tell him. It's what he's expected to do, what he's supposed to do. And even aside from the question of duty, Kaldur lives in the Cave. He doesn't go home every night like some of the others. If he's going to stay on land, he has nowhere else to go. He should go there.
And yet, he steps out of the Zeta tube in a back alley in Star City.
He's in costume, and he doesn't have a change of clothes (yet another reason why this is a bad idea), but there's a hoodie folded on the shelf of the telephone booth that hides the Zeta platform. He can tell it's Roy's - it smells like him - but Kaldur doesn't think Roy will mind him borrowing it. The hoodie is a little too big, but it covers Kaldur's belt, which is one of the most distinctive parts of his costume, and if he puts up the hood, his gills will be less visible as well. There's nothing he can do about the fins that jut out of the legs of his costume, nor about his lack of shoes, but hopefully it's dark enough that no one will notice.
After all, Roy's apartment isn't far from the Zeta tube, and that's where Kaldur is headed.
The streets are quiet. Kaldur keeps his head down and walks along the sidewalk. It occurs to him that Roy might not be home, but he knows where Roy keeps his spare key, and if that's changed, he can pick a lock with his waterbearers fairly easily. And when Roy gets home... Well, Kaldur doesn't think he'll mind, and he can leave if he does.
Roy's apartment door is indeed locked when Kaldur reaches it, but the spare key is tucked behind a loose bit of baseboard. Kaldur fishes it out, sets the baseboard back in place, and unlocks the door.
Roy's apartment looks the same as ever. Kaldur pulls off the hoodie and folds it, setting it on the arm of Roy's ratty couch. Then he sits down and wars with himself for a moment before getting back up and going to the fridge. Roy may only be eighteen, but somehow he always manages to have alcohol on hand, even when there's not much other food in the fridge. He doesn't drink too much, or at least he hasn't that Kaldur's seen, but alcohol was always around at Oliver's house, and Roy's kept up that habit in his own apartment.
Atlantis has different views and laws on alcohol than they do on the surface. Military service in Atlantis starts at age twelve, so twelve years old is the official drinking age. It's not unusual for younger children to have a drink or two at a special occasion, though. And by the time an Atlanean is as old as Kaldur, most meals are served with wine. There was excellent wine at the dinner with King Orin and Queen Mera. Kaldur would prefer more of that to the cheap beer that Roy drinks, but beggars can't be choosers, and Kaldur is craving the oblivion of alcohol more than its taste.
Kaldur takes a beer out of the fridge, then he swallows hard and puts it back. It's not his, after all, and he thinks it would probably be rather rude to drink Roy's beer in Roy's apartment without permission. It would be especially rude to do as he half wants to and keep drinking until he's a mess Roy has to clean up. He's already broken into Roy's apartment, for all intents and purposes. He's not going to steal from him, and he's certainly not going to make himself into a problem. He steps away from the fridge and goes back to the couch, waiting for Roy to come home.
He doesn't have to wait long. Within a few minutes, he hears footsteps outside the apartment door and the sound of a key being put into a lock. He can hear Roy trying to turn it, but of course, the door is already unlocked. There's a pause for a moment when Kaldur can hear nothing. Then he hears a soft thump of something being set down on the ground, and the door, very slowly, begins to open. He stands, putting his hands up. He doesn't think Roy will shoot him, but Roy's been a bit trigger happy as of late, and there's no harm in being careful.
The door opens. Roy is wearing a hoodie not unlike the one Kaldur found in the Zeta tube. One hand is in the pocket, and there's a distinctive bulge that lets Kaldur know that inside is one of his small crossbows. For a moment, his posture is tense, then he recognizes Kaldur. His eyebrows furrow.
"Kal?"
"I apologize," Kaldur says. "I just returned from Atlantis and I-"
The words seem to stick in his throat. Roy looks at him, brow still furrowed, then he turns around and steps out into the hall. A moment later, he returns with a bag of groceries and a jug of milk. Kaldur remains standing. He's not entirely sure what's happening. Does Roy mind that he's in the apartment? He can't tell.
Roy looks over his shoulder at him. "You hungry?" he asks as he begins to put away his groceries.
"No."
"'Kay," Roy says. He shoves a frozen dinner into the microwave, then he turns around, leaning back against the counter.
"So," he asks, "what's up?"
Kaldur isn't quite sure where to begin. He wanted to tell Roy, yes, that's why he came, but now that he's here...
"Have I told you about Tula?"
"Tula?" Roy repeats. "Uh, Atlantean girl, right? Friend of yours?"
"Yes."
"Did you see in her in Atlantis?"
"Yes," Kaldur says again, more hesitantly this time. "I... Well... My performance with the team has been subpar as of late, and I..."
"Okay, Kal?" Roy says when Kaldur trails off yet again. "You storytelling skills suck. Let's start at the beginning. Why'd you go to Atlantis?"
It's easier when Roy is asking him questions, almost like he's giving a mission report to King Orin or Batman. "I was distracted on land by thoughts of Atlantis. Batman recommended that I go home to decide where I wanted to stay."
"Okay," Roy says. The microwave beeps and he pulls out his meal. "So," he continues, grabbing a fork and starting to eat, "you went to Atlantis. Then what?"
"I visited with old friends," Kaldur replies. "Like Garth, and... Tula."
"And how did that go?"
"It seemed to go well at first," Kaldur says. "I considered remaining in Atlantis. I wanted... I wanted to stay with Tula." He skirts carefully around the words he doesn't dare say. "I thought she might feel the same way about me, so I..."
"Did you tell her?" Roy asks gently.
"Yes."
"And what did she say?"
"In my absence," Kaldur says, trying very hard not to sound bitter, "it seems that Garth and Tula have grown... close. I was never the one she preferred."
"So your best friend and major crush is dating your other best friend?"
"Put succinctly, yes."
"Shit." Roy opens his fridge and grabs two beers. He tosses one to Kaldur, who catches it effortlessly. "You look like you need one of these."
"Thank you."
Roy shovels the rest of his dinner into his mouth and grabs his beer. "Come here," he tells Kaldur, going over to the couch. "Sit down."
"Roy?"
"Look," Roy says, digging the remote out of the crevice between the arm of the couch and the cushion. "You got your heart broken, right? We're gonna drink some beer and watch some shitty movies until you feel better. You can choose the movie, but no ocean documentaries."
Kaldur sits on the couch and looks down at his beer. "I..."
"Or I can choose the movie, if you want," Roy adds. "You can have veto power."
"You choose."
"Okay," Roy says. He starts looking through the movies on his shelf, frowning. "I don't have much, but... Do you like Star Wars?"
"I don't believe I've ever seen it?"
Roy grabs the movie and shoves it into the DVD player. "I'm revoking your veto power, we're watching Star Wars. Don't tell Robin or Kid Mouth that I like it or I'll kill you."
"Very well," Kaldur agrees. He's surprised to find that he's smiling, just a little. Roy often has that effect on him.
Roy starts the movie and sits next to Kaldur on the couch, leaning back and stretching his legs out. Kaldur takes a small sip of his beer, but he's not craving its oblivion anymore. He's not exactly happy, and thinking about Atlantis still makes his chest ache, but he's better.
He's survived everything his life has thrown at him so far, and with his friends by his side, he knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that he'll survive this too.