As promised, here is the sequel to "Still Alone". Enjoy!

Poker Face

One and a half months had passed since I last saw him. I missed him and everything about him. I missed his green eyes where I could just stare into them all day. I missed the hair that was so chaotic that I just wanted to run my hands through them. I missed the annoying smirk that he always had on that made me just want to wipe it off when I did something horribly embarrassing. I missed the smell of him when our faces were inches apart during a heated conversation. I missed the midnight conversations we had when one or the other couldn't sleep at night. I missed our moments on the balcony together when we knew something horrible was coming.

I shivered as the ice cold wind hit the skin that was exposed and stood up to close the balcony door. I stopped in front of the doorway, hand on the handle, and stared out to admire the view. From where I was standing, I had an amazing view of the ocean that was perfect for sunsets/sunrises, and saw that the balcony I was presently standing on was overlooking one of the outside bridges that I allocated was my favourite. I sighed, turned and closed the door.

I looked around the room I was in, Lt. Colonel John Sheppard's room. I walked over to the bed next to the balcony and sat on the edge, surveying the room. I noted that the room was tidier than I expected but it looked lived in. There was a guitar propped against the wall; bookshelves filled with stacked books, some horizontal, some vertical; a small table next to the wall opposite to the bed with a laptop and unfinished overdue reports on its surface; and above the table was a bunch of Polaroid photos stuck on the wall with blue tack. I got up from the bed and walked over to the table in question and peered at the wall. There were several pictures of expedition members, the Stargate, Atlantis and some of the Athosians. I smiled and remembered the happy memories.

I lifted my hand and gently ran my fingers over one of the photos, laughing softly. The picture was of John and I in my office discussing something and the photo next to it was both of us looking at the camera with shocked expressions. I closed my eyes and smiled at the memory playing in my mind. Rodney and Carson had just found that there were several Polaroid cameras, with film to go with it, and had started taking photos of everything for safekeeping. They had come up to the door and since my office had glass walls as my surrounding, they had easily taken a photo of us talking. When we saw the flash go off, we turned and they took another picture.

The following days after that, we had commandeered our own cameras and started taking random pictures. I had even taken mine to one of John and Teyla's sparring sessions, taking many pictures of John getting beaten by Teyla. After that time, my camera mysteriously disappeared and I strongly suspected his doing but I let it go after a while.

I opened my eyes and noted that there were quite a few photos of John and I, but paid no attention to it. I looked down at the laptop on the table; seeing that it began to gather dust in the time that John had been gone. He came to me a couple days after we arrived at Atlantis, asking whether he could have a laptop. Of course, I had given him one, thinking that he would use it for reports and such, but only to find a month or so later that he had been using it to play the PC games he brought with him to Pegasus. I had scolded him and deleted the games off the laptop but sadly; I couldn't find the original disks.

Since then, I had changed drastically. I always thought myself to be someone who was very cautious, who didn't like violence and definitely someone who didn't do anything dangerous or adventurous. Even so, here I am. It was like the form of myself that I thought was true is fading away, dimming little by little. Sometimes, I don't know who I am anymore. Who do I want to be? Dr. Weir or Elizabeth?

I kept on lying to myself, denying my feeling towards John. I don't like to admit it to anyone, even myself, but the more attached I am to him, the more afraid that he'll leave me, for another woman, disappear or get killed. Over time, I became better at telling lies and excuses but the better I became, the more I feel afraid of the emptiness. Then, he went on the suicide mission, leaving me. When the blip on the screen vanished, I felt like crying and I almost did. But I couldn't. I couldn't look weak for my people because then they'd doubt whether they'd really survive the Wraith. When he beamed into the gate room, I couldn't help myself; I was so relieved and pleased to see him that I hugged him. I almost kissed him, there and then, but I remembered something important. I'm his boss and he's my second in command.

Even now, I wanted to cry over him, but I couldn't. I wouldn't because I knew that he'd come back to me. I know it. Even so, almost two months has passed and I heard some people who were loyal to Caldwell, thinking that he should be leader of the Atlantis expedition, say that Dr. Weir was weak. Saying that I was weak because I couldn't admit that Colonel Sheppard might not be coming back. If I do say that though, not only would I be lying, but also I'd become 'stronger', which means that at some point, I might even forget about him, his kindness, his presence. I don't want that, so I'll stay weak.

I sighed and looked at my watch. I had only taken a small break on behalf of Carson's orders because apparently I had working too hard on getting John back. Only ten minutes had passed but it felt like eternity. I left John's room and made a detour, continuing my thoughts as I walked.

True, some had started doubting if Colonel Sheppard's team was coming back, but none of my expedition team ever stopped helping towards their retrieval. Humans are always solitary beings, so I want someone there for me. Someone who supports me, someone who I can support, someone who understands me, someone who respects me and someone who loves me. No matter how much I denied it in the past, no matter how much I tried to lie to myself, he is still the one who stands out.

As I walked across the bridge that I saw from John's balcony, I thought back to the conversation I had with Kate Heightmeyer. She had visited me at my office because she knew that I would never stop by hers for a session. She simply told me that it's okay to cry and left her reports on my desk. It was advice from woman to woman, not psychiatrist to patient.

But she was wrong. It wasn't okay to cry, because I am Dr. Weir but when I'm with John, I am Elizabeth. Dr. Weir doesn't cry. She is a strong leader. If she hits a wall that's too high and gets hurt, she stands up again. That is the type of person who Dr. Weir is, the opposite of Elizabeth. Elizabeth laughs and cries freely but only in John's presence because she is the woman, not the leader, and can afford to crack her poker face.

Even so, Dr. Weir fades away, bit by bit, and soon it will just be Elizabeth Weir, and when that day comes, she will be able to cry in front of everyone but now, she can't because she can't afford to crack her poker face.

FIN

It's always so simple I could cry, but I want to smile.
I want your love.

My true form begins to dim little by little.
From inside the surging crowd I push aside, as long as I can't get answers I've been searching.
The better I become at telling lies and excuses, the more I feel afraid in the emptiness.

It's always so simple I could cry, but I want to smile.
If I become stronger I'll forget even your kindness, so I want to stay weak.
I want your love.

People are always solitary beings.
So I need someone. I want to be supported and I want to be supporting.
Nothing is certain, but in my heart I still believe.

If an important thing is found let's protect it to the end.
If I hit a wall that's too high and get hurt, I should stand up again.
I don't wish for anything else, just that one were enough.
I want your love.

Poker Face – Ayumi Hamasaki

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Dark Card Mistress