Happy Monkey Fist Appreciation Day, everyone, even if it's not yet that far in your time zone! In case you don't know the tradition, March 20 has been dedicated to all things Monkey Fist since 2008. To celebrate, I decided to finish this short story that I started years ago when I was still active in this fandom.
THE MONKEY THEY NAMED RON
The sunlight pouring in through the large windows alerted Monkey Fist to two facts. One, it was already morning. Two, he had fallen asleep in the middle of his research. Again. He supposed it was no wonder when he went several days with nearly no food or rest, but it was nevertheless irritating.
He didn't have time for unnecessary distractions like sleep, he mused as he rubbed his stinging eyes. A few days ago, he had acquired an ancient urn that he suspected held significant magical potential. The problem was that there would soon be people wanting to have that urn back, so he had to hurry and unlock the magic before it was too late.
He glanced down at the text he was supposed to be reading. He could barely make sense of the fading writing when his head was feeling so stuffy. Maybe he did need a break. And tea.
Monkey Fist rang the bell on his desk to tell his monkey ninjas that he required service. After a couple of moments of tapping his fingers against his desk in impatience, one of the monkeys arrived to hear what he wanted.
"What's this?" Monkey Fist asked when he recognised the monkey. "I thought Dala was on duty today."
The monkey chattered a response, but Monkey Fist didn't miss how he didn't dare meet his eyes.
"What's going on?" he asked. He suddenly recalled that Dala hadn't been in a very good shape as of late. Her performance during training had been so pathetic for the past few weeks that he had decided to leave her home when he and the others had gone to acquire the urn.
Maybe she was sick. Maybe she thought it was betrayal to be so weak and was trying to hide it from him.
"Take me to her," he said. "Now!" he snapped when the monkey hesitated.
Having no choice but to obey, the monkey showed him the way to what had once been the servants' quarters. Now there was an ever-present stench of monkeys and fruit peels everywhere – although Monkey Fist had tried, he hadn't yet managed to teach his monkeys what a wonderful invention recycling was.
It seemed that all the monkey ninjas were present. At the moment they weren't wearing their ninja garbs, but that made them no less professional. They jumped to attention and formed a line when he entered.
"Alright, what's going on here? Count to ten, everyone!" Monkey Fist snapped.
Ten ooks later, he nodded to himself. Now that he was sure everyone was there, he could –
Then there was an eleventh ook. It was a faint one, more like a whimper, but it was there.
"What's this?" Monkey Fist asked and whirled around to face the direction of the sound. An intruder? His monkeys had let in an outsider? What in the blazes had gone wrong with their training?
"What is going on here?" Monkey Fist asked again. Maybe Chippy's terrible behaviour was rubbing off on the others. One of these days that blasted monkey would probably join forces with an enemy and turn against him if he wasn't being careful.
Chippy and Dala stepped forward from the line, both looking worried. They climbed on top of an old sofa that now served as a resting place for some of the monkeys and pointed towards one end of it. There was something moving behind a cushion.
Monkey Fist snatched the cushion into his hand and… stared. He stared for a long time and tried to make sense of what he was seeing.
"Alright, where did this baby come from?" he asked once he was again in control of his voice.
Dala chattered a meek reply, and Monkey Fist felt a headache coming. So, no wonder she hadn't been able to fulfil her potential during training.
"How did this happen?" he snarled at the poor monkey.
This time it was Chippy's time to answer. It did nothing to improve Monkey Fist's mood.
"Don't give me that about the mating season! A ninja is never supposed to do anything without the master's approval! You two are a disgrace to me and your comrades!" he snarled. What had he done to deserve such lousy minions? They couldn't defeat Possible, and now they went and procreated behind his back!
Chippy and Dala tried to offer an apology, but Monkey Fist wouldn't hear of it.
"Not now. I'm too angry to deal with you," he said. After a while, he added, "At least take care of it now that it popped into the world."
He left the monkeys on their own and made his way to the sitting room. Forget tea; he needed brandy.
Kim enjoyed the feeling of wind on her face as she prepared to jump out of the airplane above Monkey Fist's castle. The moment before the jump was always the one she cherished the most.
"Thanks again for the ride," she said to the pilot.
"No problem, missy. It's all thanks to you that my family is still in this business," the pilot said.
"No big," Kim replied. "Anyone could fly the plane safely from the Bermuda Triangle and assist in childbirth at the same time."
With that, she and Ron jumped out of the plane and landed nicely on the moors surrounding the castle. Or rather, Kim did. Ron was unlucky enough to land on an old rabbit hole so that he tripped and fell face first on the ground.
"Not bad," Ron said. "Usually I get stuck in a tree."
"We must hurry. Who knows what Monkey Fist is doing with that urn," Kim said.
"Yeah, about that. How come we didn't get a call for help until now? Usually we're fast enough to catch the villains red-handed when they try to rob something," Ron said.
"That's because the curator didn't realise this urn had something to do with Mystical Monkey Power. It was just a coincidence that Wade happened upon this robbery," Kim explained.
"Too bad. Well, I guess we'll just have to undo Monkey Freak's plans, then," Ron said.
They made their way to the castle, careful in case there were scouts. However, nobody tried to stop them as they reached the wall. Kim took out her grabbling gun and shot a hook through one of the windows. She winced a little at the crash, feeling guilty about destroying property, even when it belonged to a villain. However, a broken window was nothing if it helped to stop an insane monkey lunatic bent on world domination, she reasoned.
She climbed inside with no difficulty. She had assumed Monkey Fist would be busy in his library, so she was a little startled when she saw him stand right in the middle of the sitting room. His hands were clasped behind his back, and he was glaring at her with the shadow of a snarl on his face.
"Kim Possible," he greeted in a silky voice. "I was expecting you a little earlier."
"It's never too late to stop one of your plots!" Kim replied.
"I'm afraid I must disagree. This time you and your pathetic sidekick can do nothing. The secrets of the urn are almost revealed to me," Monkey Fist said.
"Almost doesn't cut it. We'll be taking the urn back now," Kim said.
"I don't think so," Monkey Fist said, his voice deepening into a growl. "Monkey ninjas!"
Kim took a battle pose and braced herself for a fight. She was aware of the sound of Ron finally managing to climb in through the window. The lack of a yelp probably meant he hadn't ripped his pants on the broken glass, or so she hoped.
The monkey ninjas finally arrived. They gathered around Monkey Fist, and one of them handed him something small and furry.
"What do you mean I should hold him while you fight?" Monkey Fist snapped. However, he didn't object and took the thing into his hands. It was only then that Kim realised what it was.
"Oh... my..." Ron's jaw dropped when he saw Monkey Fist holding the little monkey in his arms. He pointed his finger at the sight and screamed at the top of his lungs.
"Kim! They're multiplying!"
Kim sighed and rolled her eyes. "Get a grip. It's just a baby monkey." She paused for a moment and frowned. "Wait... how come there is a baby monkey?"
"Don't they teach health class in high school anymore?" Monkey Fist asked.
"It's not... yours, is it?" Kim asked, shifting uncomfortably and clearing her throat.
Monkey Fist's eyes bulged. "Mine? And who do you suppose the mother would be?" he demanded.
Kim's eyes moved to the monkey ninjas. Ron paled. A silence filled the room and was only broken by the sound of Rufus gagging in Ron's pocket.
"Ugh!" Monkey Fist groaned in disgust.
"How about we get down to business?" Kim suggested, desperate to get the disturbing mental images out of her head.
"I couldn't agree more," Monkey Fist said.
And so the battle started. Kim faced five monkeys, which was no big to her. They couldn't all attack her at the same time, but they had the advantage of taking turns and resting while she had to be in constant movement. Still, she had no trouble blocking their kicks and punches and delivering some of her own.
"Ron, how are you holding up?" she asked and shot a glance over her shoulder.
Ron's answer was a scream as he kept running from three monkeys that were chasing him all over the room. The remaining two monkeys were occupied with Rufus who was successfully battling them with a broomstick.
"Glad to know everything is normal," Kim remarked as she blocked a kick from a monkey and made double flip backwards to dodge an attack from another.
"Not for long," Monkey Fist said. He gave a sharp command and the monkeys attacking Kim halted and retreated. As Monkey Fist approached, he handed the little monkey in his hands to one of his minions.
"You, all of you! Go after the pretender and finish him off! I will deal with Possible myself," he said.
One of the monkeys chattered something in response, but Monkey Fist didn't even turn to look.
"I said all of you! That was an order!" he snarled.
"Trouble keeping your pets in line?" Kim asked. She was panting from the battle against the monkeys, but she didn't mind the strain. She liked the burn in her muscles and the excitement of being about to face one of her most dangerous foes in combat.
"Only minor problems that you don't need to worry about," Monkey Fist replied. "Because you won't live for much longer!"
Well, some things never change, Kim mused as she ducked to avoid a blow that could have cracked her neck. She could always count on Monkey Fist delivering the same clichés.
"Aah! Monkeys! Stay back! Get away!" Ron shrieked as he ran out of the sitting room and down the hall. Horrible flashbacks of the time when he had visited the castle with the holographic Kim flashed through his mind. The shadowy corridors were just like then, except maybe even darker, and it looked like Monkey Fist had acquired some more twisted and hideous monkey paintings to decorate his walls.
He came to the end of a corridor and stopped when he saw that there was no place for him to go to. Last time, there had been a candle that opened a secret passage; he was sure of it. Now it was gone! What should he do?
The shrieks and ooks of his pursuers were getting closer, and Ron knew he had only minutes before the monkeys would reach him. He had to act fast.
There was only one way out, he realised. He had to get on the windowsill and climb outside. Maybe the monkeys would think that he picked a different turn and leave him alone. Then he could go back to Kim. In hindsight, running away from the sitting room had been a pretty stupid thing to do.
"Well, you can't expect a man to think clearly with so many monkeys around," he muttered as he bent his knees and jumped. He caught the windowsill with his fingertips and managed to pull himself up after much struggling.
The window wasn't locked, so he pushed it open and slipped outside. He regretted it right away when he noticed how high he was. For a moment he considered going back inside, but then he decided that falling to his death was preferable to being torn apart by monkeys.
"Here goes nothing," he said, drew a deep breath and grabbed a hold of an uneven rock that was sticking out of the wall. He decided to climb to another window and then get back inside the castle.
Ron made it a few feet higher before the sound of monkeys reached his ears. He glanced down and saw that all of the monkey ninjas were climbing out of the window and coming after him.
"Aww, man! How did you guys find me?" he asked.
One of the monkeys chattered something. Ron knew it made no sense, but somehow he was sure it translated to "You left the window open" or something to that effect.
"Huh, I never knew I spoke Monkey," he said.
But it was no time to stop and marvel at the small wonders of the world. Ron resumed climbing with fresh haste, but he knew it was hopeless. The monkeys were far better than him, and they reached him in no time, holding onto little cracks in the wall and the near-by window.
"You sure we can't just talk this through?" Ron asked nervously.
One of the monkeys tried to approach him. Ron couldn't help it; the sight of that furry monster getting closer sent him to panic, and he was soon flailing with both hands and screaming at the thing to get away.
The good thing was that this method helped him land a few blows on the nearest monkeys. The bad thing was that he lost his hold on the wall and started falling – and he wasn't the only one. The baby from earlier had been clinging to the stomach of one of the females, and Ron's panicked attack had sent the little one flying.
Ron screamed and closed his eyes, certain that he was about to die in a few seconds. There was a sudden ripping sound and a painful yank, but the agony of his bones breaking never happened.
He opened his eyes. He was hanging upside down from the wall, supported only by the behind of his mission pants. The monkeys that had been after him sat above him, staring at him in what appeared to be shock.
"Heh, I bet you didn't expect me to survive," he called out to them.
One of the monkeys let out a series of ooks. A very, very angry one, but Ron was sure he could detect some worry in it as well.
"What?" he asked, blinking.
Then he heard a pitiful whimper somewhere to his right. When he turned to look, he saw that baby monkey had avoided death as well and had miraculously landed on a small bush that was growing out of the castle wall. Or it was trying to – it looked like the bush was on the verge of death and didn't seem very sturdy. It was already bending under the baby's weight.
"Oh," Ron said. He supposed that was his fault. He reached out with his hand, but it wasn't enough to get the baby.
The bush started making a cracking noise that couldn't mean anything good. Ron tried to swing to get closer to the monkey, but then there was another terrible noise – the sound of his pants ripping some more.
"Oh, great," he muttered. If he tried to save the monkey, his pants would give in and then they'd both fall to their death. If he didn't, he'd live but have to watch the little one die. Normally, he might have thought the second choice was obvious, but now that he was actually in that situation, it wasn't so easy.
The monkey whimpered again, probably wondering where his mother was.
Okay, here we go, Ron thought. He swung again, cringing at the sound coming from his pants. He caught the little monkey just as he felt the fabric give in, and then they were falling again.
Except that they weren't. At first Ron thought that his pants had somehow got stuck again, but then he saw that he was being supported by a chain of monkeys. For once he could say he was glad that Monkey Fist's minions had got their hands on him.
"I guess you came to get the little one back," he said. He handed over the baby, and he immediately clung to the fur of his mother.
"You're kind of cute. Too bad you're going to grow into a monster," Ron said. He turned his attention back to the other monkeys. "You know, now might be a good time to let me down."
The monkeys made no move. At first Ron was convinced that they would let him drop now that they had got the baby back, but then they started descending down the wall until they had all reached the ground.
"Man, that wasn't fun," Ron said and rubbed his temples. He had been hanging upside-down for so long that all the blood had rushed into his head. He didn't think he'd be up for running away from the monkeys in another moment.
One of the monkeys turned to him and chattered something.
Ron scratched his head. "My Monkey is a little rusty, you know. But if you're suggesting what I think you're suggesting, you've got a completely warped opinion of me, dude. Of course I wasn't going to let the little guy die or use him as a bargaining chip to get away from you. I mean, I'm not that kind of guy even though I know you could easily jump on me and tear me apart limb by…" he blabbered, but then he trailed off as he realised that he might have just done a very stupid thing.
They monkeys started getting closer.
"Aww, man," Ron muttered. Oh, well. If he was going to die, at least it would be with the knowledge that he had done one noble deed before that.
He closed his eyes and braced himself for the first attack. It never came. After twenty seconds, he had the courage to pry open his left eye.
The monkeys were just staring at him. Then, one of them stepped forward and bowed. The others quickly followed the example.
"Oh. So, does that mean that we've got ceasefire for now?" Ron asked. "I can dig that!"
The rest of the events proceeded according to a known formula. By the time Ron and the monkeys returned to the others, Kim had already defeated Monkey Fist and the authorities were on their way. The urn was taken back to the museum, and Monkey Fist was arrested.
"Now all we have to do is call the zoo to take care of the monkeys," Kim said.
"I'm on it. Just a minute," Wade said through the Kimmunicator.
"Wait!" Ron called out.
"What?" Kim asked.
"Doesn't that feel a little wrong to you? I mean, they've got a baby. It can't be good to take him away from where he was born," Ron said.
"Since when do you care about monkeys?" Kim asked.
"I don't, but I think I'm bonding with these guys. Remember when they decided to join me after the space adventure? And they just saved my life. I can't just hate-hate them anymore. More like… very strong and fearful hate with a twinge of sympathy," Ron said. "Besides, who are they going to hurt now that Monkey Fist is behind bars?"
"Ron, they aren't just going to sit here and eat bananas all day just because Monkey Fist is in prison," Kim argued.
The monkey ninjas shifted guiltily at this.
Ron realised that Kim was being serious. He took a look at Rufus who was back in his pocket. "You agree with me, don't you?" he asked.
"Uhhuh," Rufus said.
"Then it's time to resort to desperate measures," Ron said. He turned his back on Kim and addressed the monkey ninjas. "Okay, guys. If you want to stay in this castle and not go to a zoo, you have to follow my example. Do this, okay?" he said.
"What on Earth are you doing?" Kim asked in an exasperated tone.
She got her answer when all of the monkeys suddenly made the puppy dog pout. She resisted bravely, but in the end she told Wade to forget about the zoo and stuffed the Kimmunicator into her pocket.
"Ron, I'll so get you for this," she snarled as the monkeys started cheering and praising their new hero.
Later, Monkey Fist was calling home from prison. He wasn't very happy to find out that it was Chippy on the phone, but he supposed he would have to endure it for now. Besides, he wanted to let Chippy know that the baby monkey would be allowed to join the pack. Now that he had other reasons to be angry, one little monkey was no longer a problem worth his time.
Or that's what he thought until Chippy told him some very unsettling news.
"What do you mean you named him Ron?" he barked at the phone.