Merlin sensed that something very profound had changed after Morgana's return from Morgause, but he was puzzled as to what it was.
Blades of watery sunlight filtered through the castle windows as Morgana sat spinning wool with her ladies-in-waiting. Twisting the fibers between her slender fingers, she looked like her old self again, engaging in giggle-chat with her ladies.
It started with a simple blush.
"My lady, your cheeks look so rosy today!" Elena, the youngest lady-in-waiting exclaimed.
Morgana touched her face self consciously, blinking in surprise. "Oh..does it really?" She looked at the smooth surface of a silver shield displayed on the wall. Turning her face right and left at the face of the snarling dragon, she tried to rub it as if to see if it would go away.
"Well, I really adore it. How do you get your complexion to be so lovely?" Another lady-in-waiting sighed. Morgana was probably using some facial treatment she had gotten from Gaius, Merlin thought. But then he looked twice to admire the rosy tint and saw a fleck of magic dance across her skin.
One cold day, suddenly she dropped the needle and shuttle with a clatter on the stone floor. When Merlin looked up from wiping Arthur's personal chalice, Morgana was staring at her hands, frozen stiff in position of putting in thread. She was wide-eyed with horror. Her fingers twitched slightly as if she was trying to move them but they were stuck. The shimmer of magic was still there, but on the joints of her hands.
"What is the matter, m'lady?" The oldest of her ladies looked up at her with wide brown eyes.
"It's..it's nothing!" Morgana put her hands down. "I simply couldn't believe that Lady Sophia had not taken Sir Percival as her paramour sooner!" She said slyly. Her smile was weak and unconvincing, but it was enough to start up the laughing and gossiping of the ladies again.
Merlin wondered if he should ask Gaius for help.
He knows he should have gone now, because sooner or later Morgana became ill. She started taking to bed early to the disappointment of the other ladies. Then, she felt too tired to even stand up to be dressed. A few days later, she was bedridden.
Gwen mopped Morgana's feverish brow worriedly as she drifted in and out of sleep. The blush stayed on her face, a bright, poison pink butterfly. "She has a terrible fever. I've been trying to give her something to drink, but it just goes right through her. I haven't seen her sleep for the last couple of weeks." Gwen murmured sadly.
"Can you do anything for her, Gaius?" Uther hovered worriedly over Morgana, his hand gripping her limp one tightly.
"She just has some sort of inflammation." Gaius said in his gravelly voice. "This tonic should remedy the discomfort. You just have to let the disease run its course."
"But it /will/ get better, of course." Uther held Morgana's hand ever tightly. Morgana stirred in her feverish sleep, not feeling anything.
Gwen tried to bring food to Morgana, but she refused all of it except for a little bread. Even her favorite meal of apple tart and roasted chicken was refused because even the scent made her nauseated.
Later in their room, Merlin pleaded. "Don't you see that..that thing on her face? It's magic, I know it. Can't you do something to help her?"
Gaius turned to him while pouring a rich amber liquid in a glass vial, one eyebrow raised. "There's nothing I can do about it. This is not sorcery. This is an eruption of her own magic, fighting against her body because she cannot control it. I don't know what could have triggered it, but as long as Morgana's magic continues to fight her body, there's nothing I can do."
"There has to be something, even if I could use ma-"
"Don't even think about it! Besides, perhaps it would be for the best if we let her die. She is clearly a threat to Camelot. It might save her from being killed or worse." Gaius turned back to his potion that he was making for Sir Ector.
With a heavy heart, Merlin climbed the stairs to Morgana's chambers later that night. A quick knock at the door, and Gwen answered.
"How is she doing?" Merlin whispered.
Gwen shook her head, her eyes shiny. "I- I fear she won't make it through the night."
"Do you mind if I speak to her then? Just once more?" Merlin whispered. Gwen let him in, and as she passed the door, Merlin realized that he and Morgana would be alone.
Merlin approached Morgana's bed. His eyes took in the pale, cracked lips. The silken sheets sank under Merlin's weight as he crouched down beside her, his face level with her's. She turned towards him. "You must be happy to see me like this, Merlin. After all, you will be rid of me." She smiled bitterly, her lips forming an ironic twist.
He breathed deeply to try to explain his actions, but just ended exhaling sharply; realizing that any explanation of his actions would be useless.
"I could have protected you. I should have protected you. You might have been able to control your magic." He whispered, his eyes wet. He couldn't even save Freya, much less Morgana.
Morgana turned her head, limp curls moving in wisps around her head. They tickled Merlin's face.
In her feverish state, Morgana whispered, "I, too, wish that you could have protected me." Her eyes fluttered, almost closing.
He leaned in, his lips touching her feverish lips in a soft, dry kiss. "I am so sorry."
In that moment, he knew those words carried more truth than any spell that had ever been spoken.
She must have realized that she was going to die, because her response was something he never expected. As she kissed back, he felt the transfer of magic from his body. From her sudden twitch, he knew she felt it too.
"Merlin," she sighed, and he couldn't tell if it was from frustration, or acceptance or relief or maybe bit of all of them, and her eyes glowed, the red gone from her face. She fell into a deep sleep, for real this time, free of pain and the uneasy shifting from the dream to the real world.
He wondered what would happen to him once she woke up.
Merlin was hurrying back to Arthur with an armful of practice weaponry so Arthur would stop shouting at him when a slender hand shot out from an alcove and grabbed his sleeve.
Merlin dropped a practice sword in surprise. He whipped around to see who had grabbed him and the next thing he knew he was nose to nose with Morgana. She looked much healthier, Merlin noticed.
"Merlin," she said evenly, her clear eyes staring him down.
"My lady Morgana," he said, meeting her eyes and then dropping his gaze.
She kept her hold on his sleeve.
"Why didn't you tell me that you had magic?" She tilted her head.
Merlin licked his lips nervously. "Well, I just didn't know if I should help you. I-I mean.." He calmed down,
"I can't teach you magic. The only thing I could tell you is that I have it too, and that's all there could ever be. You're the king's ward. Uther would have my head if he knew that we were talking…like this."
"I see," She said. She looked around, seeing that they were alone, and gently took the armor from him and set it on the ground. Then she punched him square in the gut.
Merlin moaned in surprise and pain at the invasion to his midsection. He bent, doubled over clutching is stomach. "Okay, I deserved that," He tried to smile at her, beaming brightly while his face wrinkled in pain. Morgana, rubbing her knuckles, seemed to just get more agitated.
"Maybe more than that. Are we even now?" he looked at her hopefully.
Morgana looked away from him, obviously struggling to keep something down. She nodded. She looked like she wanted to throw a second one, but then she said softly, "There's no way that we could have been even friends, is there? They would have never allowed it."
"This changes nothing." She said. "I won't turn back to being Uther's loving ward. And I won't let you stop me."
"No! it's not too late. Please Morgana, turn back. You don't have to destroy Camelot. Please. Arthur will be a good king. You don't have to destroy it !" He looked at her pleadingly. The look on his eyes was so soft that Morgana was helpless to turn away.
"I've made my decision. It is for the good of people like us that I'm doing this. I can never be my true self until Camelot is destroyed. Only Morgause accepts me for who I really am."
"You're wrong. I was the only one to know."
"And you poisoned me." He could see the half-puzzlement, half-anger merged with hurt. She turned her back to leave, her purple gown shimmering in her wake. It stopped. She turned around slowly. "But you saved me." She lifted an eyebrow and it seemed as if that one eye managed to see the kaleidoscope of his confusion- of destiny, fate and magic barely kept from bursting at the seams.
She stepped forward, raised her arms, and for one wild moment Merlin thought she was going to stab him then and there.
To his utter shock, he felt her arms wrap themselves around his neck and her eyes glow golden before Morgana's lashes fluttered shut. And he knew then that he would have given a week without being able to feel his heart for the pressing of her petal-soft lips and her warm breath and the soft crackle of magic as she gingerly pressed closer.
"I guess this is a start," he thought. At least he knew that she wouldn't kill him. Not for now. Merlin couldn't really be sure. Some people were easy to read, but not her Merlin knew that he had to look closely at Morgana. One blink, and she would vanish.
Author's note: All of the symptoms that Morgana is having are symptoms of a real autoimmune disorder called systemic lupus erythematosis. The red butterfly shaped rash, refusing food, malaise, tiredness- are all symptoms. I imagine that during a time when not much was known about disease and medicine that this would easily be seen as some kind of magic. Please give me criticism and comments, I would greatly appreciate them!