Disclaimer: I'm worse at meeting deadlines than Heinberg. It's a damn good thing I don't own the Young Avengers.
Warning: This fic contains a brief heterosexual encounter of an innocent, silly, and non-sexy nature. Do not read if you are nursing, pregnant, or may become pregnant. Always consult your doctor before taking het, and remember, it's just a joke.
"I hate you."
"Oh come on, it was funny."
"Don't care. Your demise is imminent."
It was normal day at the Young Avenger's lair.
"It wasn't even my choice. They made me do it."
"They'll join you in death, then."
Perhaps not totally normal. That, after all, would certainly account for Teddy Altman glaring at his dear friend and the current target of unfathomable rage, Miss Kate Bishop, from across a bowl of cereal.
"I honestly don't get the hostility here," Kate said in exasperation. "You'd have done the same in my posi-" Hawkeye's reassurance was cut off by the sound of a breaking spoon, snapped clean in half by Hulkling's marvelous super strength.
"I would have been totally justified." Teddy asserted, "But by all means, please continue explaining why The Pulse has a front page photo of you with your tongue in my boyfriend's mouth!." He held the magazine up for emphasis, and surely enough, there on the cover, was Kate, her hand full of red cape, with her lips firmly attached to those of one Billy Kaplan, aka Wiccan.
Kate, this time, had the decency to blush. "As I was trying to say, before you did you big scary intimidation act, this is totally one hundred percent not my fault."
On cue, from the bathroom, came a weak, angry shout of "It so is! It entirely is!", followed by the sound of retching. Kate merely rolled her eyes.
"Eli, go make sure Billy doesn't try to set his tongue on fire."
Patriot's face was perfectly still, save for one twitching eye, but he did as he was told.
"And no drowning him in the sink!" She yelled at his retreating back before turning to once again face Teddy. "Anyway, where was I? Right. There we were, having just thwarted the Scorpion at the natural history museum-which you weren't there for because you're lame-doing the whole victory pose thing, just mugging for the press, y'know?" Teddy's eyes went dangerously narrow, and she got back to the point. "Right, so, we're on the roof, with the crowds and the cameras and the cheering when that one-" she pointed to Stature, perched atop a kitchen counter, "dares me- like this is fifth grade or something-freaking dares me, she says, and here I'm quoting, 'Plant one on Billy, it'll totally freak everyone out.'"
Teddy turned his glare on Cassie, who simply grinned even harder.
"I wasn't gonna, swear to god, but then Vision-seriously not making this up-Vision starts making chicken noises!" The android snorted from his seat next to Cassie. "So they're just standing there, goading me, totally making me out to be some-some kind of...chicken, and I'm like 'okay, you wanna freak everyone out, I'm up for that, I'll freak them farther out than any person has been freaked before!'
"And that's how I got to first base with your boyfriend." Kate gave Teddy a sheepish smile.
Teddy sat there for a moment, perfectly still. And then...
"My earlier point still stands. Start running now." He stood up, tossed the bifurcated spoon in the garbage, and made his way toward the bathroom, presumably to assist Billy in washing the taste of girl out of his mouth.
"Aw, don't be like that Ted!" She called after him. "Tell you what, fair's fair, how about I let you french Eli?" The sound of breaking glass rang out from the other room, signaling to Kate that it might be time to shut up and get moving.
Cassie and Jonas didn't stop giggling the entire day.
A/N: I have a growing fondness for Billy/Kate. I don't know where it came from, and it's a little bit scary. So clearly I have no choice but to try and infect all of you with this blasphemy. Expect more of this maybe.