Of the Abandoned

by HopefulEVOLution

Some old habits are difficult to break apart from. For Maya, her bad habit is to break away from her abandonment issues she had since she was a child. She has yet to learn how to trust her husband to not leave their daughter and to herself to not walk away from them like her father did. Will she be able to get past her worries and focus on her future? Or will she fall apart?

Disclaimer:

I do not own Girl Meets World, the locations and characters used in it, and the song mentioned. But I do own the plot.

A/N:

Hello fellow readers! I would love to introduce myself into the Girl Meets World fandom of this fanfiction world and hope that I would be able to write stories that will please you in your own way and also to explore in subjects I find lacking.

Now before you begin reading this story, I would appreciate it if you learned about my purpose behind this tiny plot; child abandonment does scar a person deeper than it seems and it does change a person's perspective on the world. This was actually based on a friend of mine who had one of his parents walk out on him and his current legal guardian like Maya's father did to her and her mother. And how to this day he still has fears about becoming the person who abandons his child or end up the same shoes as his parent.

I know it may seem far-fetch at some point as you read along but I just wanted to bring out the message to those who had their father or mother leave them at a young age or recently: things do get better. It may not today, it may not tomorrow, but that wonderful day where everything you feel like you lost will come back to you and you will be a better parent, husband/wife, lover, friend, and a person in general than the one who walked out will ever be.

Stay with your friends who support you and truly love you. Stay with the one who is working every day to feed you, put the clothes on your back, and give you the education you need. Appreciate even the little things you get. All of these things will be the reason why you're getting to a better place and a beautiful future.

A/N to my Harry Potter reader:

As for you lovely wizards and witches, I would like to apologize that Twenty-Six Years Later will still not be updated anytime soon. I am currently using my father's laptop to write the stories I have saved in my notebook. I managed to get some of my story recovered but the chapter I need to upload is yet lost but I am close. I promise I have not forgotten about this story I still have to share with you and want to finish with you. Please be patient with me.

Lastly, I hope you all have a very happy holidays!

Enjoy!

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They started saying when you can't hide, run

When you can't run, hide

But love's gonna be a loaded gun

Or a losing fight

And when did we all stop thinking of the world

Stops spinning in a kiss goodnight

And when did our heartbeat beating too fast

Stop meaning it was worth the while

- Run and Hide; Sabrina Carpenter

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"They say abandonment is a wound that never heals. I say only that an abandoned child never forget."

- Mario Balontelli

---

It happens almost every night. I would have the same dream every time. And it would end the same way.

In my dream, I'd find myself aged back to my old six year old self sitting on the thin covers of my bed, wearing old and baggy pajamas that barely fit me, and humming old lullaby of those ancient tunes my grandma would play around the apartment. I should be sleeping but I was restless. There was no light aside from the one beaming through the window from the moon and gave it a hazy vibe.

I was waiting. Mainly for anything that would pique my attention. A sound. A scent. A person. But nothing came. Yet I continued to wait and hum out the music stuck in my head, merrily rocking to the sides. It is weird to see me in such a way I cannot picture myself to be; full of naivete for the impossible and purity for hopeful. All of which was later snatched away from me within seconds as reality dropped onto me.

I would look into the sky, directly at the stars, making helpless wishes of a faraway dream to come true. Of a good start for the next morning where the table is full of delicious homemade breakfast and two of the three tables are occupied, the only one vacant is for me. I would finish my wish then I would crawl back under the covers and attempt to go back to sleep but never do. I think about piggyback rides and playful wrestling moments with a man who's face I barely remember in detail but as a mixed blue of dirty blonde and tan skin. The deep voice was fuzzy to my ears and the eyes are difficult to describe.

Then I would hear a sound come from outside my bedroom door, not too far from me. I'd lift my small head from the lumpy pillow, my messy hair almost concealing my face, eyes squinting, appraising the room. The door was cracked open slightly - I always leave it like that in case I needed my mother for something like a glass of water or whenever a storm would hit overnight - so I could clearly hear the sounds to be choked sobs and sniffles. There was a dim light spilling in and chasing away the black of the night while the cool air of the house filled the room. A shadow flickered across and then the light went out. The sobs subsided but the sniffling never died.

A spark of excitement would flutter in my chest. I quickly hopped out of my bed, kicking the covers off, and slowly pushed the door open, cringing when it let out a slight squeak. I looked over at the end of the hall once I heard the door click; the door that leads to my mom's room was ajar and my small legs began to instinctively move to follow the sound of muffled sobs coming from it. My heart was beating out of fear rather than excitement. I don't like crying - I never did.

Once I reached the door, I peeked inside and my heart would die on the spot at the scene played before me; curled together in a fetus position, dressed in her nightgown, was my mother, looking hopeless and fragile like a baby, and she was trying to cover up her cries with her hands. I approached the bed then climbed onto it and laid next to her on the bed while watching the small rivers of tears leak from her eyes and drip onto the pillow.

I didn't say anything at first. I didn't know what to do. I was only a child. The only thing I had to worry about was watching the new episode of Barney on Saturday mornings, not making sure if my mother is crying or laughing in the middle of the night.

Then, after a minute or two has passed, I whispered, "Mommy, what's wrong?"

She didn't really stop her cries for me. I don't think she heard me. I inched closer to her, pulling her hands away from her so I could slip my way into her arms and wrapped mine around her frame, my small arms barely able to circle around her. She instinctively embraced me and then buried her face in my hair, her tears soaking into my roots as she wailed. My eyes were beginning to blur as my own tears started to well up and I tighten my hold around her as I hid my face in the frilly collar of her nightgown.

"Mommy, why are you crying?" I asked, my voice unrecognizable and unclear. I didn't lift my head when she started to stroke my hair.

"Oh baby girl," she whispered, her voice weak, crooked, and broken. I don't think my heart could squeeze any tighter than it is now but I was proven wrong as a painful throb started in my chest. "Never leave. No matter what happens, promise me you'll never leave. Promise me that."

I nodded against her torso. "I promise, mommy."

When my mother would continue a new round of howls and wails, that is where the dream would end. And my eyes would snap open to the sound of a new cry ripping through the darkness around me, a fresh and virtuous cry that I have yet to get used to.

Like now.

My eyes were droopy and weary as I tried to blink the grogginess away. I looked at the figure of my husband still lying motionless beside me, aside from the rising of his chest going with his even snores. His face was peaceful despite the stress lines that were beginning to show on his forehead and the small trickles of gray growing within his hair. The bags under his eyes were proof that he is beginning to age and his body was slowly shutting down with time. That made me feel old as well. I'm only thirty-six years old but I feel like I was pushing seventy. He must feel worse.

The next cry wasn't even loud enough to stir him.

I quietly slipped out of bed and dragged myself out of the bedroom, not bothered by the frigid hardwood floor making my feet tingle. My body was too depleted to react to anything. The bedroom where the blubbering and whimpering are coming from is not too far from my room so I was there in a nanosecond and as I pushed the door open, wincing at the light squeak of its hinges. We really need to get this door fixed. The noises stopped for a moment, with only sniffles heard, then they started back up and they seem to be louder.

The room looked the same as it was nine months ago. It was small and simple yet it looked beautiful. The room was a silver shade picked by me but the frilly pink lamps, the pink mattress and pillows, and the thousand plushies stacked together in the corner are by Riley. The black crib was a gift from Brandon. The white furniture was chosen by Farkle and Smackle, and the silky curtains were picked by Zay.

I took long strides to the crib and I peered inside to see the wriggling body inside, a tiny bundle of lavender so fragile and sweet. The skin of her face was moist from endless tears and the cries were croaked from what I assume to be a sore throat.

"Hey now," I murmured as I tenderly lifted the little miracle from the crib and cradled her close to my chest, gently rocking her in my arms. "What's wrong, baby girl? You had a nightmare?"

I thought about the reasons as to why she must have woken up in the late hours of night that I learned from my mother, Topanga, and from the mothering classes I took. She was fed and properly burped out her gases. I checked her diaper three times after feeding and before I sang her to sleep. The room temperature is decent for her. I don't have to worry about her teething anytime soon. The only logical thing I can think of is that she just wants to be held.

"You're always seeking for mommy's attention, aren't you?" I mumbled with an exhausted sigh and slumped into the rocking chair next to the crib then started with the gentle motion that will hopefully lure her back into a deep slumber. Despite my eyes being saggy, I kept them on her, watching her as she gradually stopped crying and stared up at me with those alluring eyes of her father that I couldn't control myself from falling in love with. But, unlike her father's, these held grace and innocence instead of wisdom and maturity.

Then, her eyes lit up once she realized it was me, and she started to giggle lightly as she held her small arms towards me. I shook my head a little to let a few strands of my hair fall over my shoulder and a little smile stretched on my face as she tugged onto a lock of gold. It didn't hurt me as much as it did. I continued rocking while fluttering my eyes closed but I never tried to find sleep again when I know this young one is still in my arms.

I was extremely tired both physically and mentally. But I am not emotionally drained. Never of her. My movements have been sluggish and my mind was slow to process things but I could never make myself find decent sleep. Let alone a nap. Not when she needs me at every waking moment of the day and I could be the one to help out all of her needs.

I began to hum the same lullaby that my mother used to sing to me when I was little to keep me distracted from thunderstorms.

It was tiresome. Motherhood, I mean. Especially when you haven't slept for almost two weeks now. It's been almost three hundred hours since my last real sleep, and that was the day after I gave birth to her.

It was two hours before dawn when I heard the door creak; I snapped my head up, my eyes popping open in fright, and stopped humming while I held my baby closer to me. I watched as the door opened wide enough for me to see the half-bare frame of my husband standing there, his eyebrows furrowed in curiosity then slowly turned into concern once he saw me. I was momentarily mesmerized by his open appearance. He has changed a lot through the years; he has a slim figure with defined abs, a wide chest, and there was a trail of hair leading beneath his shorts. He also has scruff around the lower part of his face - he needs to trim that again.

I snapped out of my gaze and let out a breath, "Jeez. Give me a bit of a warning next time, will ya, Huckleberry?"

The worrisome look on Lucas' face never disappeared and he said in a tone full of such tenderness that made my heart melt. "How long did you sleep, Maya?"

I shrugged as I stroked the small tuft of hair on her head. "I don't know. An hour or a couple of minutes, I think. She started crying and...and I know they cry for no reason sometimes, but...I just..couldn't…" I trailed off to swallowed hard, unable to form together a sentence. A wave of old terror washed over me as my mind jumbled up into a tangled mess. What kind of mother would I be if I left her alone? How could I just leave her here to cry and need me?

"You should have just woken me up," he said as he walked up to us and kneeled beside us at the rocking chair, his hand coming up to softly caress her hair, although, his eyes were settled on me. "I thought we just made an agreement to take turns to take care of Autumn. It was my turn tonight."

"You wouldn't wake up," I tried to protest. "And she was crying...I thought something was wrong with her and -"

"That's no excuse," Lucas interrupted me. "I would have woken up eventually or she would have gotten back to sleep." He then took my chin between his finger and made me look at him directly in the eyes. "You haven't slept in twelve days, baby. Your body is shutting down and you need to let it."

"That's not true. I slept yester -"

"No, you almost fell asleep yesterday," he intercepted me. "But Riley came for a playdate with the twins when you did. You know I'm right. It's been nearly three hundred hours since you gave birth. I know you're protective of her but you won't be able to take care of her if you kill yourself in the process."

I opened my mouth to protest but my words were caught in my throat by Lucas' stern glare and I closed my mouth in shame. Lucas, as always, was right; I was basically a dead corpse running on fumes. There was nobody to blame but my own stubborn attitude. I always throw myself at every opportunity that involved taking care of Autumn. From feeding her to changing her to bathing her to putting her to sleep - I was determined to do it all myself. The only thing I allowed Lucas to do, which I had no choice at that moment during Autumn's birth, was cutting the cord and holding her for the first and last time when we were caught in the moment of tranquility.

People outside of my family would probably consider me as possessive when it came to Autumn. I'd tense up whenever a person would sneak a glance at her or coo at her to make her laugh or ask to hold her for a moment. Anybody would think I am obsessed with her. But those who know my life, who stood by my side, who watched me grow up, understand why I give such behavior towards my newborn daughter. Some knew by surface, other knew about what's beneath it because I let them.

The one who knew most were about the surface are the Matthews and Ava, Auggie's girlfriend (about time if you ask me too; he didn't make it official with her until they were sixteen) but the others were aware of my constant fear of having a family. Zay would do his silly antics, which were odd because they are mostly puppet shows and music sessions of his Celion Dion albums. Farkle and Smackle would try to entertain me with facts about how being a mother is good for my health but they would end up being flirtatious with one another. Brandon (or Rebel as I like to call him since middle school) who is Riley's husband, would shower me with gifts for the baby and that eased off my anxiety as I saw how adorable the baby could look in her clothes, playing with her toys, and the decorations of the nursery.

But Riley is the one who helped me the most.

Two years ago, she was the first to get pregnant out of the whole group with twins. I still remember it like it was yesterday; Brandon was actually a dork, despite his cool and mysterious demeanor throughout our school days, when Riley announced to him about the pregnancy. Seeing his reaction was heartwarming and amusing. Then later on, the things he did to keep Riley and the babies healthy, the pressure he put on himself to work harder at his job, the effort he made to support Riley in her pregnancy classes, and the commitment he did to help Riley after giving birth to twins was admirable to watch.

It made me think I could go through all of that with Lucas. The glint of happiness I saw shine in their eyes once they finally got to meet their babies made me consider having a family of my own, something that I would constantly put off with Lucas whenever he would try to mention it or encourage me to believe I would be anywhere near as good of a mother, and it only took two years later, after a deep conversation with my mother, Madison Friar, and Topanga, to convince me to conceive Autumn.

Apparently, according to the only mothers in my life, it was a common thing to be anxious about the possibilities of the baby's future and what obstacles will come along the way of raising her. But, as I watched my belly swell, I've gotten through panic attacks about the birth messing up at the last minute, about the baby not having a better life than me, about me not being a perfect mother for her, that I was sent to the doctor many times to check on the baby's health. I was lucky that no harm came to Autumn. I was recommended to take vitamins and lots of rest from now on.

Riley came to my aid after my first trip to the hospital; she tried showing me the benefits of a having my own child whenever she would bring the twins with her and let me play with them or I allow them to feel the small bumpy kicks from within my belly. She gave me all kinds of books from prenatal care to the psychological theories about a baby's mind. She would take me out of the house to go to the mothering and baby classes she attended during her pregnancy as an attempt to get me out of the house and not put too much thought of things. She'd take me out for walks around the park with the twins, out to lunch dates, and even come over for dinner nights with Brandon.

I remember I told her one time behind Lucas' back that I didn't think I'd be able to spare a glance at the baby once I give birth to her but I ended up being wrong as I couldn't be apart from Autumn for a second. When she's sleeping, I'd check on her every five minutes because she's too quiet for me. When I'm feeding her, my hands are shaking in anticipation to save her from choking. When she's crying, I'm desperate to make her bubbly with giggles and a toothless smile again. I couldn't be separated from her.

It did bring some rounds of unpleasant arguments between Lucas and I. He would be upset with me, not for never letting him be near her, but for me not letting myself relax. He knew well enough why I am the way I am about Autumn and he does try to help me come out of that dungeon of cold darkness I've dwelled in for years but it would be futile whenever I see or hear Autumn cry in dismay. Sometimes he would be sly; he'd try to sneak Autumn away with him to a quick trip to the store or a walk around the park but I'd catch him because the silence of the house would be unnerving to me.

We don't speak for a week whenever he does his attempts. He would explain he does it to help me get the rest I needed and learn to trust him to take care of our baby because he wants nothing more than to be an excellent father to Autumn like he is a wonderful husband to me. That made me feel guilty but my behavior didn't change. Even when we came to an agreement of taking turns in watching over her during nights like these, I couldn't keep up my end of the bargain.

"I'm sorry," I said softly, rubbing the sleepiness out of my eyes with one hand. "I know I promised you that we'd work together to raise her and take care of her...I know I agreed to take better care of myself. I keep on excluding you from being part of her life but...I just couldn't…"

Lucas' hand slid up to my cheek, his thumb caressing it kindly, and his eyes grew softer. "You don't need to explain. I understand. Your mother married a man who abandoned you two for another family and you're worried that you or I are going to walk out of each other like he did to you. Regardless of whether you trust me fully - and don't worry, I know you do - your subconscious mind is telling you otherwise and that's okay. Old habits die hard. You feel like the pressure of parenthood will get the better of you and you'll end up leaving like he did, and I'll be off fending for myself and Autumn. Or the other way around. I understand." He then leaned forward to give me a chaste kiss on the cheek and on the temple. "Child abandonment leaves a scar way too deep than people will know and it will take more than having your own child to erase that."

I bit my lip, my vision becoming a blur as tears started to form. The sincerity in his voice was delicate and sweet, making my heart swell up in adoration for him yet tighten in remorse because of him. This man, who had made me go through difficult trials to face my fears of opening myself to him and struggled through the worst for me to be with me despite my fears, still loved me enough to want to be with me. It amazes me how we managed to grow from acquaintances to lovers throughout the years since we met. I never expected him to be the one I'd marry, let alone have a child with, but seeing him here, being understanding and generous, I am reminded once again why I even bothered saying yes to being this Huckleberry's girlfriend.

It was a difficult time for he and I to cross that line between friendship and relationship. He and Riley had tried to make their relationship work a second time around and they have lasted for the first two years of high school but then more of Lucas' past started to resurface. It became too much to Riley to know he had hidden so much about himself from her when they had both agreed to always have meaningful conversations together and she had told me she felt a bit betrayed on her side of that promise. She felt like she didn't really know Lucas as much as she thought she did and she was confused of her feelings for him for a while until she decided they should take a break.

"Maybe we need to be apart for a while so things could cool down," was Riley's reason when she told Lucas; I was a witness of the whole fiasco. "There's too much tension going around with your past and I think it's better until things get cleared up. I don't want your past to change who you are or who I think you are."

Lucas was heartbroken. He had changed from the bright, cordial cowboy with Southern manners that brought a smile to anyone around him to a brooding, unsociable stranger that struck terror to another with a dark look in his eyes. Nobody dared approach him or utter his name in fear that he might lash out. The only one who dared walk alongside him is Zay, who is considered a safety ticket to everyone since Lucas doesn't seem to be on a brink of a rampage around his childhood best friend.

It was weeks later that I made myself search for him one afternoon after school ended. He wasn't found in the baseball field for practice - he hadn't been there for a couple of days and he was cutting it close to being kicked off the team. I found him sitting on the stairs leading down to the infamous Hole we were put in at our freshmen year and joined him there while waiting in silence for him to speak. I'd make random comments about Mr. Matthew's way of teaching and awkward chuckles about Farkle's attempts to surpassing Smackle in intelligence until he finally turned to me and finally confessed to me about everything about him.

His father is so strict that he is impossible to please. Every time he comes back home from a small business trips, he'd complain to Lucas about all the wrongs he's doing, saying he doesn't put enough effort in his activities and that others that aren't related to sports are irrelevant. He makes him feel like he wasn't good enough as a person if he doesn't earn the position of team captain or get good grades because he wouldn't be able to get a scholarship to a good college. More specifically, Princeton. His family line would be ruined if he isn't accepted to the most prestigious university and he'd live in mud.

He explains about his horrid past of having anger issues from all the pressure of his father and sent almost half of his school to the hospital for nearly breaking the kids in half. He got expelled but that didn't stop his time of chaos; he made his mother cry many times from all of his poor decisions with a small rebellious group from his old neighborhood, he almost lost his friendship with Zay for bullying him under peer pressure, he hardly attended classes anymore that his grades went downhill in an instant, and he'd pick random fights with the students he used to study with after school for pointless reasons that he was close to being charged for battery and assault from the parents.

His parents agreed to send him out to New York with his mother while she was working on her novel. Lucas was against it; he despised change and the thought of starting over but when the children he had hurt were finally going against him, he started to think about a new beginning once he was feeling guilty for his actions. After he moved to New York, he wanted to make sure that his past was buried altogether and to become a better person, one who his parents would be proud of. It was after meeting Riley and the others that he had drastically turned into the person he is and his mother was full of pride to call him her son. His father was a different story.

That was when I saw Lucas cry for the first time. He felt like a failure to his father no matter what; all of his old friends had abandoned him; he would never live up to the image of a great son because he had disgraced their good name from all of his stupidity; he wants to live up to everyone's expectations about him as a friend, a son, and a boyfriend but could never seem to reach those heights; and he was afraid that he'd relapse to his old ways of handling his struggles. The words spilled out rapidly from his mouth and it left me speechless, my mind blank from all thoughts except at the fact that I was witnessing Lucas Friar crying for the first time in my life.

I remember I was befuddled. I had never seen that side of him before. So vulnerable and lost. I didn't see any traces of the boy who oozed hope, confidence, security, and comfortable wearing his own skin.

Lucas would ramble on nonstop, obviously pleased to be able to get it off his chest, talking to me with a trust so deep that probably made the Pacific Ocean jealous of its depth. As I listened to him, it frightened me a bit how he was able to vocalize similar fears as mine; I was afraid to be a disappointment to my family. Would I be the daughter Shawn expected me to be? Would I manage to make it far like the Matthews believed I would? Would I be able to make Riley happy to have such hope in me?

It was at that moment I realized Lucas and I were not that different as I thought. Not like our classmates thought we were. We were not disparate enough to make fire. If anything, we were like two rainbows in a heavy rain shower. We both have our own shadows that could be related one another and we hide them when we come to light.

Lucas continued to talk until it turned into an uncontrol babble too difficult to understand and I had to slap him hard enough to snap his head to the side. It was too much than I wanted to but it was necessary if it meant bringing back common sense to him. I told him everything about him I learned to admire and be inspired; his strength, his kindness, his selflessness, his willpower made out of titanium, his determination to do better for himself rather than his father, the growth of his intelligence, his unwaver support in his friends, his traits of being appreciative of every little thing whether it is materials or people, and finally told him that he deserved more than his father made him think he does.

I poured my heart out to him. I let him see himself through my eyes. And I could tell he saw something I didn't before or perhaps I did and never once consider to figure out what it is.

From that moment on, the friendship between Lucas and I was reborn into a deep bond of faith, loyalty, acceptance, honesty, and devotion. It wasn't as close to the one I have with Riley but enough for others to notice the change. Throughout the time his father stayed during his visit until his trip back to Texas, Lucas would latch onto me to be his rock and call me in the middle of night pleading to spend the night at his home whenever his parents go through another round of heated discussions. It was like that for a while and after his father left, things stayed the same, the closeness stayed the same between us except we'd spend time watching movies at each other's houses, wait for the other at our lockers, eat a small meal at a diner, spend endless hours at Topanga's talking about anything and everything about the universe that awaits for us, and be lost in our bubble of content even when we're spending time with the group.

Eventually, Riley confronted me about my friendship with Lucas and pestered me until I admitted that I grew newfound feelings for the Texan but never tried anything to make it more with him, that the reason why Lucas was closer to me is not my place to tell but we had grown together because of it.. It made things odd between us, not being able to act the same or speak about a topic that didn't relate to Lucas. I hated it because I felt like we reverted back to the time we were stuck in a triangle only Lucas did not know about it. I thought my friendship with Riley had been ruined and torn because of my feelings but then she finally broke our silence telling me that she was heartbroken because she had officially broken things off with Lucas, saying that her reason being is because she doesn't think he could confide in her like he did with me and that she didn't want me to feel guilty in thinking I was the cause of the end of their story. I comforted her at every waking moment until she was pieced back together and she was able to smile genuinely with Lucas around.

Our group went back to normal through the last of our high school years and we managed to stay in contact through college by visiting over the holidays, Skype call sessions, our scheduled Spring Breaks, summer vacations, and random visits in the weekends. We did not make all plans possible because we all had our jobs to do and exams to pass but we were very thorough to be all present for each other's graduation. It was hard because Farkle was attending Yale, Smackle was busy in Harvard, Zay was studying in Rice University, and Lucas was away at A&M University. Riley and I stayed in New York; she was in Cornell University and I went to NYU where I briefly dated Riley's uncle, Joshua Matthews, until a year after he graduated we chose to have a mutual break up.

It was at my graduation where the story of Lucas and I truly began. We all went to Gotham Bar and Grill, courtesy of Cory and Shawn, and we all caught up with our lives since our awful separation; Zay was surprisingly in a steady relationship with Vanessa back at Texas and they seem to be getting serious; Riley was storming through her classes as if she was drinking water and she, in confidence, told me that she was actually seeing someone at the moment. I was surprised to learn that someone was actually Brandon 'The Rebel' Dawson. He was a sulking, mysterious fellow last time I saw him and he was the last person I expected to capture Riley's eye but the more I thought about it, the more I understand their relationship. It was like me and her only with the romance.

Farkle gave everyone a shock of the century when he had dropped on one knee and ask Smackle's hand for marriage. And she said yes without hesitation. She had learned to maneuver around her Asperger better to understand social interactions and emotions. The celebration of my graduation became a companion to honor their engagement.

It was nearing the end of that night, as the celebration buzz was dying down, that I chose to get some fresh air and Lucas had followed me outside, stating he needed to have an important talk with me. We shared a round of red wine and laughter until he began; he was a bit miffed that Farkle had beaten him from declaring his secret in front of everyone like he was going to do for me. He then starts to tell me, in his own discreet way, about our history and the thousand emotions he felt towards me since the beginning, saying how they turned from friendly and fearful to fondness and yearning for every part of me physically and spiritually. He explains how his last days of high school always involved me, how he was able to grow into the resoluted person he is now and he was able to go against his father's demands because of my words, how he dreaded the day where he had to start living without my constant nicknames or my comical remarks about his heritage, and how he was getting depressed by the silence of his dorm room because that was when reality hit him that I was no longer there with him.

It was the biggest tragedy in his life.

And that was when he told me he realized he loved me in many ways. He loved me as a friend then he grew to love me as a sister until finally he realized he learned to love me as a woman and he had rejoiced at how alive his heart was as he came to accept what he had denied for so long. He apologized for the long wait it took him to do so and understood if I was upset with him for not being honest like we usually are with each other. But I took that as an opportunity to silence him with a hard, passionate kiss on the lips followed by multiple more after he recuperated and we lost ourselves in our almost turning into a finally.

Now fourteen years later, we are married and with a child. Life has a funny way of working.

"Look," said Lucas. "How about I take Autumn for now and you go to sleep. You need it."

I instinctively held her closer to me as I shook my head.

Lucas lets out a tired sigh. "Maya…"

"I had that dream again," I said; he and Riley are the only ones who know about that awful dream of mine, the one where I am just a little girl wondering when my father will come home and hear my mother crying for the first time.

"Maya, nobody is leaving," Lucas said gently, bringing his hand up to gently stroke my messy hair, the feel making my mind fuzzy and my attention was starting to dissipate. "I guarantee you that we are in this for the long ride. It's you and me, remember?"

"I'm scared I'll turn up like my father," I whispered. My pure exhaustion finally affecting me and I feel regret as soon as those words left my lips but I knew I could never take it back. "I can see myself not being able to handle it and thinking I'll be a horrible mother to her and leave her to you so she could have a better life. And it's not just that; I'm scared you'll find a better family, that you'll tell me you met someone worth more than me. I come home and find all your things gone and Autumn is in her crib, crying, and I try to make her stop but...she won't stop...she knows you're gone and...a-and she's f-fatherless...an orphan -"

A choked sob escaped from me, the sudden jolt startling Autumn and making her whimper in distress. Lucas tried to slip her in his arms but I slapped his hands away and cradled her closer to me, shaking my head rapidly as I continued to cry. The same hands I hit then touched me on the arms and made circles in my skin in attempt to calm me down, to soothe away my edges, but it only added more fuel to the fire of my fears as I jerked away from him in a whimper. I could hear the same voice in my head that would forever haunt me with these doubts in my chances to being a great parent, the voice of my father who left me; You're my daughter, Maya. Whether you like it or not, a bit of me is in your blood and running away is part of our family. You'll follow my steps eventually.

"I promised!" I wailed. "I-I promised I w-wouldn't leave! I p-promised!"

And suddenly I was six years old again. I was kept together, practically curled around Autumn, as I rocked, muttering under my breath and uncaring at the fact I was basically hyperventilating in front of my daughter. I could hear her distinctively crying along with me, my state probably scaring her to no end and that only made me worse. I was having a panic attack - I can tell. I've only had it a few times in my life during my pregnancy, an almost when I went into labor, but it was never triggered this horribly.

I could hear Lucas' voice but I cannot understand what he was saying and he sounded far from me. It made my condition horrendous. He was leaving me. He couldn't handle the way I am with the baby and he had enough. He will file a divorce and leave to find a woman worth having children with. My nightmare is coming true.

And then my world went black.

---

"Everything we do these days - our lust for ever more comfort, pleasure, and distraction, our refusal to engage with the mandates of reality, our fidelity to cults of technology and limitless growth, our narcissistic national exceptionalism - all of this propels us toward the realm where souls abandon all hope."

- James Howard Kunstler

---

I didn't realize how far I've been unconscious but I knew I came back to life when I felt a pair of hands trying to pry my grasp away from Autumn but they were not the same calloused ones I recognized naturally. Instead they were soft and supple skinned ones that barely held force but such care that is not easy to find in this world. I almost tighten my hold out of instinct then I loosen them but not enough to let Autumn slip away from me.

"Could I have a turn?" asked a soothing voice I am still not used to hearing around; it was deep and husky yet tender in tone. I could hear the concern in his words and the attempt to sound cheerful to cease off my terror. "I haven't seen my niece in a week or two and I'd like to smother her now."

"Auggie," I whimpered. My arms loosen. "Don't let her leave me. Don't leave her alone."

"She won't, Maya. She loves you too much to leave you. Nothing's going to make her want to leave you. Not her, not Lucas."

"My dad...I c-can't…" I couldn't finish my sentence as I took a couple of deep, shaky breaths. "I need to keep her...she...you...please protect her Auggie, I trust you…"

He didn't say much; he only took Autumn from my arms. "I will. But you - you need some sleep. Let's get you back to bed and I'll be next to you with her when you wake up. Think of me as your personally guard."

"Can't sleep," I muttered through my eyes were beginning to betray me. "Gotta...gotta be with her."

Auggie tugged me up from the chair, holding the curious Autumn safely in his arms, and then I could feel myself being dragged softly though I could barely focus on where I was being led to. I know he is guiding me back to my room. I could see a slight vibrating on my soles as chatter is heard coming from downstairs but I couldn't tell who it was talking. A minute later, the soft fabric of my bed came in contact with my back and I sank into it without hesitation, my head lying down in my plushy pillow. My eyes closed out of my control.

"Don't worry," I could hear Auggie whisper quietly to me as the blanket he drew forward came fluttering onto me. "She'll be the same as you saw her when you wake up. She'll be properly fed, changed, and loved. She's my niece and I want nothing but the best of her. Just like you do. She'll never leave my arms. You go ahead and get some sleep."

"M'kay," I mumbled. My conscious was already too gone; I hardly focused on what he was saying to me. My mind, or lack of, was wrapped around the fog and dissipating into nothing as I breathed evenly.

I could hear him walking away; I could hear the door creaking open; I could hear Autumn gurgling cheerfully as Auggie did an odd sound to her; I could hear the door close.

I fell asleep, for the first time in a while, to those sounds that brought me utter relief.

---

"The willow which bends to the tempest, often escapes better than the oak which resists it; and so in great calamities, it sometimes happens that light and frivolous spirits recover their elasticity and presence of mind sooner than those of a loftier character."

- Albert Schweitzer

---

When I woke up, I knew it was in the late noon as the sun seem to have dimmed its shine and no longer gleaming into the room. I was still in my bed, though I wished I had slept in the crib, and there are two bottles of water on the nightstand, along with a pair of pills. I had a migraine and my mouth was like a dry desert - neither of the water nor pills helped me with both. It made my throat constrict slightly and my stomach rumbled unpleasantly.

"How are you feeling, Peaches?" I heard Riley's voice ask softly close by and I startled a bit, gasping in surprise. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. I just wanted to see how you're doing."

I glanced at her through the mess I call my hair; she seemed exhausted, looking as much as I felt right now, but only a little less than how I've been for the past couple of days. I was not sure if she was lacking sleep because of me - I still remember Auggie being with me earlier, and where he is, so is Riley - or if it is because of the little drooling twin, Elle, she is holding in her arms as the small wonder slept carelessly.

"How long was I out?" I asked tiredly. Considering the way how heavy my eyes felt, I can conclude that it has been a long time.

"Forty-eight hours," she answered then added. "Give or take a few times you'd sort of wake up. We brought in Farkle to check on you. You were completely sleep deprived. You also had a running fever and if you'd gone longer without rest then your heart would have gotten a disease. You also gained five extra pounds - neither have anything to do with your pregnancy."

"And Autumn -"

"- is downstairs with the others. As far as I know, Auggie is playing peek-a-boo with her right now. You want me to bring her up to you if it makes you feel better?"

I paused for a moment, contemplating about her offer, and then I shook my head. "No...I...I think I'm okay. You look tired yourself, pumpkin," I added, looking at the noticeable bags under her eyes. "Have you slept at all?"

"I was already awake feeding this little one when Lucas called me," she chuckled as she continued to gently rock the baby in a steady rhythm. "If I'm being honest, I was expecting the inevitable crash coming from you. I've known you for over twenty-five years and I knew from the moment you saw Autumn, you'd be too devoted to her and be too consumed with the urge to care for her every second of the day. But don't worry about work, Peaches, I have the day off and I don't go back until Friday."

To this day it still amazes me how much Riley has changed over the years. The development in her was drastic and came too quickly for anyone to adjust to but it brought a lot of pride in me to see her grow from that naive little girl who believed in unicorns and that Pluto was a planet to a fierce woman who fights for her beliefs and protected her perspective on the world against those who try to taint it. She has the maturity of a thirty-six year old woman yet has her moments of the same six year old child I befriended and loved for years.

Brunette, gorgeous, and impressive intelligence, Riley had all the requirements to a man's perfect dream woman. She held a heart that bled purity despite the many cuts and bruises it took throughout the years, the mind of a business woman when put on a task, and the appearance of the descendent of Aphrodite. She worked as the Head Editor of Vogue (how ironic if I may add) and she managed to be flexible with her schedule to spend time with the twins while Brandon went to work at his restaurant on 17th Street.

She was still the sister I never had, and that knowledge still rattled me. The fact that I am so lucky to be involved with someone so successful and surreal.

"Is Lucas mad with me?" I asked quietly while I pushed myself upright and kicked the covers off of me. I instinctively tugged down the hem of my gown, realizing I could possibly seem indecent for wearing something short and inappropriate. It was meant to please my husband after all.

Riley shook her head. "Not really. He's more concerned and afraid. He doesn't dare to even touch his daughter without you in the room; he was freaking out a lot before we got here but Farkle and Brandon managed to calm him down for now. Izzy is coming later with Zay and Vanessa."

I lowered my eyes. "I told him about that dream again. You know - the one where my mom is crying because my dad left. I told him I think he'll leave me and Autumn or I'll leave them...just like my dad did."

"And asked Auggie to watch over Autumn. I know, Maya. Lucas wasn't shy to not spare the details and admitted a lot more about those dreams about him. He knows you're struggling from your abandonment issues," she said in a normal tone like it was the most natural thing in the world (though, in her case, I can believe it is since she has to handle me for a lifetime) and she chuckled at the weak glare I sent her. "Maya, it's not the end of the world, you know. You were suffering of fever and sleep deprived. Lucas knows you don't mean what you said and that you don't think of him as the same man as your father."

I just sighed and closed my eyes while playing with the hems of the comforter. The mattress sunk beside me as Riley sat next to me and wrapped an arm around my shoulders, resting my head on her whilst I listened to Elle lightly snore into the crook of her mother's neck. I kept my eyes closed as I relished in the feel of Riley gently stroke my hair as an attempt to comfort and almost succeeded. Almost.

"Look, Maya, I'll be honest with you," she said. "You're a royal mess."

"Geez, I am very flattered by your honesty, Honey," I retorted sardonically, rolling my eyes. "A woman loves to hear she's a mess."

"It's true, Peaches," she sighed. "I'm not going to lie to you; you had a terrible life. You grew up without a father, growing up thinking your mom was the cause of him walking out on you then later blaming yourself for them not working out and him leaving otherwise. You were never happy - you were always angry at yourself for existing. You barely had a mother - you only had half of her for your whole childhood. You had to raise yourself, not get new toys while the other kids did, dress up in a different brand of a trash bag while we got to be a different character every Halloween, and not be able to even have a Christmas tree to decorate for fun. And you had to go home to a lonely apartment every day and be reminded how much of a broken family you had."

I bit my lip to prevent the choked whimper I could feel lodged in my throat and rapidly blinked my eyes to prevent the wall of tears from forming. Even though my life had gotten better when my mother and Riley's pseudo uncle, Shawn Hunter, crossed paths that eventually led them to marriage and me to finally gain the experience of bonding with a man I could call a father, my heart would still get struck as my old scars of my horrid past would mentioned again. I am not suffering from hidden depression or self-loathing anymore but it is a tender topic to touch and the pain is still there despite all these great fortunes I've been blessed with.

It is not as tedious as it used to be but it is still a dull sensation in my chest.

"But you need to understand one thing, Maya," Riley continued. "You are nothing like your father. There is not a single thing of him in you so you don't have to worry about running away like he did. When you love something, someone, you love deeply and strongly. That is the one best thing about you that separates you from your father."

I sniffled a little. "Thank you, Riley."

"And another thing; Lucas isn't going anywhere either," she kept on. "Maya, if Lucas was anything like your father do you honestly think that all the drama we both went through for him would have happened? The triangle? Me and him? You and him? Do you honestly think we'd go for someone anywhere close to similar to your father?" She brushed back a couple of my locks behind my ear. "Remember the promise we made back in middle school; we never settle for anyone less than Farkle."

"Well, he isn't close to Farkle's level either," I chuckled. "That boy still loves us both unconditionally."

"But that's what makes Lucas nowhere near being less than Farkle," Riley pointed out. "He loves you unconditionally. Despite your issues, he looked beneath the surface of it all because he knows deep down you are beautiful."

I've always thought you were beautiful...or are beautiful...deep down, Lucas' voice rang through my head, replaying the words he had told me one our first date and I smiled fondly to myself at those words, at his voice speaking with such sincerity that almost brought me to tears, a sentimental feat I thought I'd never go through until him.

"I need to talk to him," I murmured.

"I'll bring him up," said Riley. "Do you want me to bring up Autumn as well?"

"No, leave her with Auggie," I said. "I really need to talk to Lucas alone."

Riley smiled. "Alright. Don't stress too much about it, Maya. This is Lucas we're talking about. He listens." She patted my knee with her free hand. "If you need anything I'll be downstairs with the others."

I nodded. She studied me for a moment, something she always does to see if my decision is solid, before she rose from the bed and walked out of the room, her recently cut hair swishing along her upper back, as she quietly hummed into Elle's ear.

I moved over to the cot of the window once I heard her footsteps traveling downstairs and I peered through the window to see Smackle's car finally pull up in the driveway, the sight only making me twist my face into a disappointed frown instead of glee. She had gotten back from her trip in Michigan for a scientific convention of some sort I didn't bother to remember and she should be spending the day reuniting with Farkle, her husband and family, but now they are both stuck here because of me.

I could hear Lucas' thumping steps climbing up the stairs, the noise making me nervously twirl my hair between my fingers the closer it got, and when I heard them stop at the door, I kept my eyes settled on the street below, mainly on the small group of children playing with bubbles while their mothers followed them from behind. Easy and peaceful. A major upgrade from my old neighborhood throughout my childhood in case I ever caved to the thought of having my own children.

I didn't speak. Neither did Lucas. We were consumed by the tense silence for a moment. Until I decided to break it unless I wanted my heart to explode through my chest for beating so hard.

"You could sit here with me if you want to," I said. It is not the best way to start a conversation but it is better than quietness.

"Is it okay for me to?" he asked.

I sighed. "Yes, it is. I don't have a contact issue with you, Ranger Rick."

I could hear him shuffle near me and by the corner of my eye, I can see him sit beside me, his eyes focused on my while mine are watching the children. He didn't sit close to me as I prefer but I could understand his uncertainty and hesitance considering the complication of the conflict. He was afraid that the tiniest thing he does or say could make me break down and possibly push me to the point of actually running away.

The irony is that I was sharing the same fear.

"I'm still mentally damaged and emotionally scarred," I started. "If that wasn't so obvious. That dream never went away no matter how good my life got. It's like a constant reminder of how easy it is to lose something so good and not knowing when it could happen. It scared me, not just because I just think you would leave but because I think I will too. No matter how much I deny it, I'm still Kermit's daughter by blood and a little bit of him is in me." I exhaled slowly. "Knowing that made me scared that you or I will be the reason why Autumn will have the same childhood that I had. I've treated you badly out of fear that I didn't realize I was pushing you away in the process and basically running from you too. I've kept you out of everything involving Autumn." My hands were balled up into tight fists, shaking, and my nails penetrating into my palms. "I guess I was being paranoid for no reason - you tried hard to get close to her rather than getting away from her. The sleep deprivation from that stupid nightmare made it much worse. I was so focused in being the perfect mother that I forgot how to be a wife to you. You don't deserve that - you deserve more - and I'm sorry I haven't kept my vows to you. I want to give you everything that I can."

His warm and slightly calloused hands covered mine, making me vibrate from the thousand shivers crawling up my arm from his touch. Earlier they were smoother and softer. He must have been distracting himself from fixing his Ol' Pappy Joe's truck while I slept. Slowly, he pried my hand out of its fist and interlaced our fingers together, the sensation familiar and foreign to me altogether. I never realized it has been a while since I've done this with him.

I fluttered my eyes closed and held my intake of breath when I felt his lips brush along my jawline, the wisps of his breath giving me a sense of security, excitement, and a comforting warmth as he trailed down to my neck.

The kisses he planted there, all light and gentle, made me feel so good. I mean good in the sense as to have him here, next to me, listening to me, and staying with me despite the wrong I brought on him. Not in the sexual, wanting to rip his clothes off, push him onto the bed, and I having him for myself for hours kind of way. And when I felt him smile against my skin, my nerves calmed even more.

"I may not understand what you felt in the past - your father leaving, your mother barely home, you being alone...but I do understand why you're so scared of it coming back to you. I know you hate to hear it, to be reminded of it, but it's true; you're still Kermit's daughter, you're half of him." He rested his head on my shoulder, his arm coming around to embrace me from behind. "But Maya, you are nothing like that man. Because that's what he is - nothing. And you are everything. So you did give me everything. You gave me your heart, scared that things wouldn't work out for us and ruin our friendship. You gave our marriage, knowing you still have a small fear of it not working out and getting a divorce -"

"- Still do. Only a little. Not so much as before."

"Do I have to remind you how long we've been together?"

The corner of my mouth twitch. "Go on."

"And also...you gave me Autumn. You gave me a family, Maya. I fought for you, for this, knowing you still have some old issues to work on, or might not ever recover from your scars, but I still loved you for how strong you got through it all as a broken little girl with no hope to an amazing woman with a big heart. The outcome of it all is still beautiful. You are still beautiful. And that is why I have no doubt you won't run away from me and Autumn. I know I won't because you two girls are my world now." He started peppering me with kisses again, all over my shoulder to the tiny spot below my ear that leaves me a quivering mess. "I love you, Maya. You and Autumn. I don't think there's no force in the universe that could pull me away from this."

I didn't reply for a long time. I was drowning into my scattered emotions after hearing his words. The confidence in his faith in our growing family being together through all the complications that will be thrown at us left me shook. His belief in me, in my strength, has me sentimental because it is something real to him. And his hope in us, in me, to be strong enough to escape from the chains of the past and grip onto the future, onto our current now, has my heart swell in adoration and devotion.

Lucas says I am everything to him. He is anything to me. He is my support, my friend, my brother, my lover, and he is my husband. He is all in one. And that is what makes him beautiful to me.

"This is why I still call you Moral Compass," I said after a long minute has passed. "I love you, Lucas."

He didn't answer; he only turned my head to him by my chin and lowered his head down to me, pressing his lips against mine in a soft and meaningful kiss. I gladly returned except with more vigor, wrapping one around neck to play with the hair on the nape of his neck, and the other hand gripping on his shirt, pulling him closer in eagerness.

I needed to feel him. I needed him to feel. I wasn't the best at expressing my emotions to him because they were so complex and wild that I could never find the right words to describe them. But, for some unfathomable reason, he could tell what I want to say through my actions, my kisses and touches, and that seems to make him love me more.

Lucas then grasped onto my legs, sliding them up to my thigh, and he effortlessly scooped me up in his arms as he rose onto his feet. I instinctively wrapped my legs around his torso and moved my hands to hold his face in my palms as I kept on kissing him, facing my head downwards to him to make my hair fall around us like a waterfall, concealing us for the moment to lose ourselves in each other.

This isn't the first time we were in this position. Him holding me up in his arms, me covering us away as we went through the overwhelming sensation that our kisses always seem to make us feel. Me noticing on the way how our lips always seem to mold well together, pressing and sliding, opening and closing. It reminded of of our first time. He was scared and I was nervous yet it turned out so wonderful, so intoxicating, and unforgettable.

I moaned softly against his lips then sighed softly whenever Lucas pulled away only for him to come back and leave me in a trembling state. He carefully walked back, never breaking away from me, until he reached the bed and slowly sat down then fell onto his back as he ran his hands up on the back of my thighs to my backside.

I gently pulled apart from him, raising myself up with my arms and brushing my hair behind my ear, as I stared down at his closed eyes, his lips slightly puckered. I caressed his cheek, feeling the stubble of his recently shaved scruff, and that is when I was awestruck at the sight of his eyes opening up to me.

The sun was no longer in the room but they were beaming brightly like glitter. It made the pit of my stomach rumble up and my heart suddenly seem to have stopped beating as my chest felt light.

I truly do love this man. And he loves me. He cares about my problems but he doesn't let it affect us. And I care about my problems affecting him. This is love. This is real. This is why he is certain. Because this is what is worth staying for.

I lowered myself to press my forehead against his and closed my eyes as I breathed him in, absorbing this amazing gift the universe gave me.

"Let's go get Autumn…"

---

"As a spiritual person, nature for me has always been a healing place. Going back all the way to my childhood on the farm, the fields and forests were places of adventure and self-discovery. Animals were companions and friends, and the world moved at a slower, more rational pace than the bustling cities where I'd resided my adult life."

- David Mixner

---

When we walked downstairs, Farkle was making comical faces to Autumn to make her giggle and squeal excitedly. Smackle was talking to Riley as they watched over the twins, who were playing with a bunch of LEGO blocks and Star Wars actions figures. Zay, Auggie, and Brandon were talking in low tones. I had to keep an eye on those two with that boy; I still considered him to be the same little brother I enjoyed tormenting and protecting so I did not want the purity of his kind mind to be taunted by their sick imaginations.

Smackle paused for a moment with her talk with Riley once she noticed me and quickly Riley lightly touched Farkle with her foot and gave Zay a tap on his back with her hand to attract their attention towards our presence, and the three of them smiled at me as we approached them.

I embraced Smackle first since she was the closest. "I'm sorry I ruined your homecoming. How was Michigan?"

"No worries. Michigan was modest but my companions there weren't so noble. I guess they couldn't stand the idea of a female being intellectually superior to them when it comes to discovering a new atom and figuring out the purpose behind its function," she said; I didn't particularly know what she was saying to me but I was not surprised to learn that she had another group of males feeling challenged by her intelligence. "I wanted to see the little one again, too. Farkle sent me pictures of her and they don't seem to do her justice."

"Thanks, Izzy," I laughed.

Farkle came up to me next, his arms holding onto the light of my life securely, and I wrapped my arms around him, careful to not suffocate Autumn. To this day, I still cannot believe that Farkle, the same guy who used to wear bright turtlenecks and had a shaggy bowl cut, had hit a growth spurt that has him towering me. He still held the same eyes I am used to seeing from our youth but his sharp jawline and his impressive haircut made him look mature. I felt like I hadn't seen him for months; my weekly lunches with him and Riley had to stop entirely once I hit my second trimester and needed to have a lot of rest, according to Riley, and I missed our chats.

Farkle, all these years later, still kept the close connection between me and Riley that the others never managed to form, and us with him. Lucas' envy of our friendship had faded over the years, after a certain period when he was feeling out of place with our group and his purpose to being included, and he would dedicate his life to keeping the bond of the three of us guarded. Smackle had never really been jealous, I think, just glad to know she could trust Farkle with me or Riley if he need someone to rely on whenever she is away.

In fact, Lucas, Smackle, and Zay have formed their own trio. They have their inside jokes, their small adventures, and their memories. They were the other us. They were making their own crazy world and living in it. We all made it work.

"Seriously, don't worry about interrupting. We were having complications. Your timing was more than perfect," he murmured, his voice low for the chance of others hearing to be slim, as he handed my daughter to me.

I could tell he was attempting to brush it off like it was a common thing but I could tell by the bags under his eyes that the conflict between him and Smackle was deeper than he was making it seem, probably a few days ago, and my heart lodged up in my throat. I wanted to talk to him about his problems with Smackle but I needed to fix my own with Lucas for now and I know he knows we will discuss about this afterwards. We communicated through our gazes and he frowned deeply but nodded nonetheless, giving in.

"Could you guys give Lucas and I a moment, please?" I asked kindly.

"That's fine," said Riley, rising up the couch, and started to pick up Lily as Brandon went to get Elle.

"I brought some dessert from work," said Brandon with his kind grin while Elle played with the tips of his hair and the buttons of his shirt. "If anyone wants some chocolate cheesecake with strawberry toppings, I got two sets in the kitchen."

"Wow, what's the occasion?" asked Zay.

"Nothing new," Brandon answered with a shrug. "I always bring dessert from work. Just thought I bring extra today."

"And we appreciate it," Riley said, giving him a peck on his cheek. "Now who wants cake?"

"I do!" shouted the twins simultaneously. Both girls wiggled their ways out of their parents grasps and immediately raced their way into the kitchen, all of them too familiar with their father's baking. Even Zay scattered quickly after them. The others followed closely after, with Riley sending back a supportive smile over her shoulder.

I walked around the living room, rocking my daughter lightly to keep her calm, as she began to fidget by fisting the air and scrunching up her flushed face.

"Shh, everything's okay, baby girl," I whispered to her, a little bit to myself more than to her. "You're never going to be alone. Nothing will ever take you away from me." I then turned to Lucas once I saw Autumn was being bubbly and walked over to him, noticing that he looked visibly nervous like that time at the hospital. "Here you go."

"Are you sure?" he asked, though his eyes betrayed his eagerness by the way he stared at his daughter and how he scratched his neck. "I mean, you fell asleep the whole day so I figured you want some time with her -"

I smiled and cut him off. "Huckleberry...Lucas...I wouldn't be doing this if I wasn't sure. You're her father and I need to let that fear go. I need to let go of the past or otherwise I'd miss out on my future. She's not only my daughter - she's ours. I want you to be there to share with world with her, with me."

His gaze finally met with mine and they expressed a hope too large for me to take in. To see what it is I've done has my heart crumble. It is my fault that he is deprived of his daughter's newborn innocence.

"I've come to terms that I cannot do this parenting thing on my own. I mean I could but I shouldn't. I need you like I always have," I said. I passed her to him and I watched as he held her in a tender embrace that made it difficult for me to not smile at. "It will be something new for me to get used to. As much as you don't want me to breakdown or to run away, I want you to call me out if things get out of hand. You have as much right to want moments alone with her too and I won't hold you back from it anymore. I trust you."

Autumn caught Lucas' pinky in her tiny hand and gurgled cutely. Lucas' face alight with joy and he formed the same, charming grin that reminded me so much of the same boy I'd fallen in love with back in junior year at high school. This man before me held a thousand flaws buried deeply within him and has his own demons he is struggling to go against, just like me. But he is the same boy, the one who had almost kissed me in front of a campfire, taking us to a faraway place with a billion stars in the sky, and I kissed later on in life.

Except he was now a man. He was already a man but now he is a man with a purpose to live for. And the new light I see shining within him was the greatest treasure I could ever find.

I leaned in and pressed a lingering kiss on his cheek then I buried my face in the crook of his neck while he rested his head on mine. We watched as Autumn put the tip of Lucas' pinky in her mouth and tried to chew it with her gums, making adorable noises.

"I don't have everything figured out yet but I'm halfway there," I whispered. I could hear the rumble of his chuckle in his chest.

"Baby, look around you."

I glanced around our surroundings. This little, charismatic house hidden in the suburbs within an hour away from the city where our friends and family lived happily in. The shelves were covered in photo frames of our engagement, our wedding, our announcement of our pregnancy, and along with other life events such as graduation with our friends, Farkle and Smackle's wedding, Riley and Brandon's wedding, Riley's pregnancy.

My eyes snapped down to Autumn as she started to kick away in the arms of my husband, my high school sweetheart, the love of my life, and the reason worth for me to fight for.

"Look around, darling," he repeated. He kissed the top of my head. "You're already there. This is your world."

I nodded against his shoulder. "And I'm glad I got you to live it with me."

And that one small sentence is worth so much to me.

---

"The recovery task for this stage is to take hold of yourself one moment at a time, to recognize that you are a separate person, a fully capable adult, responsible for your own self-care. It is no one else's responsibility to meet your emotional needs; only you can do that. Emotional self-reliance involves accepting the intense feelings of the experience, taking stock of your present reality, and assuring yourself that you will survive."

- Susan Anderson

---

2 Years Later

I had a tiring day from teaching my class at the Art Institution. I was ready to go home after the first third hour. I had a load of assignments and exams needed to be graded so I knew I was not going to be sleeping anytime soon tonight. I also needed to send a couple of recommendation letter for some students I promised to and to reply to a couple from the headmaster about a faculty meeting for a weekend, hopefully being able to convince them to let me miss this one for a trip to Pennsylvania to meet up with the Matthews.

I was excited for it. Last time I heard, Josh and his wife, Savannah, had chosen to spend their lives traveling around the world after their tremendous honeymoon in Italy and they were pregnant with a little boy, Aiden, who is currently four years old. He is the oldest child out of the group. And it seems they have decided to put their journey on pause to gather their family together to finally meet the little rascal.

Along the ride back home, I had stopped by Zay and Vanessa's home for a quick visit (quick as in to raid their fridge and smuggle a couple of snacks) and when I finally reached the house, an unnerving pull went through my stomach when I saw that Lucas' car was not in the driveway. The twinge of worrisome went through me but I swallowed it down as to not jump to conclusions.

He probably went out to run some errands or took Autumn to the little park down the street, I thought hopefully as I unlocked the door and elbowed my way inside the humble abode, glancing around the foyer, listening intently for any small pattering footsteps coming down the stairs or high squeals coming from the rooms upstairs. There were none. The small lamp in the corner of the living room was on and the kitchen remained untouched. Lucas' coat, something that is hardly out of sight, was gone from the rack.

A nagging feeling was beginning to hit me as the silence of the house was slowly closing in on me and the stillness of the house brought anxiety onto me. I hung my trench coat on the rack and walked deeper into the house, frantically searching high and low for any signs of life somewhere, anywhere. I went up to the stairs to search through the rooms, digging through the master bedroom, peeking into Autumn's tiny room, and lastly turned to the guest room.

Afterwards I was beginning to lose my mind. I quickly took out my cell phone and I was about to call Lucas when I heard a horrid sound I feared the most; Autumn's shriek. It was close but it did not come from inside the house.

Without hesitation, I bolted off to the stairs, down to the first level, and started to turn the house upside down.

"Autumn!" I shouted, skidding into the playroom. It was empty, full of scattered toys that were taken out of the toy chest. "AUTUMN!"

Another shriek was heard and I was able to catch it coming through the open window that led to the backyard. I dashed towards the back door without a pause. I felt like I was going too slow, that my legs were not carrying me fast enough to make it to her. She needed me and I couldn't seem to make it to her on time. She is alone. Lucas is gone. She is alone and scared. Lucas is gone and forgot about -

I halted at the door after I pushed it open and my breath escape from me as I stared at the scene happening before me. My heart deflated in relief and revived in alleviation as I tried to regain my breath, tried to bring back my sanity.

Autumn was sitting in a kiddy pool, dressed in her flowery one-piece birthsuit, her hair soaked, covered in suds, and stuck to her rosy face. Next to her was Aaliyah, our golden retriever that Lucas had adopted from a homeless shelter, who was shaking off all the water and soap from her disheveled fur, the action making my daughter sputter out a wave of squealing laughter.

Lucas was sitting outside of the small pool, dressed in his swim trunks, completely drenched to the bone, and holding onto the hose. His face was covered in bubbles that was dripping from his chin and he had a rather impressive mohawk held together with the soap. He turned to the sound of the door being pushed open and he grinned once he saw me only to see it quickly disappear after he saw my pale complexion.

"Honey, are you okay?" he asked in concern.

"Where's your car?" I asked breathlessly.

"I lend it to Brandon," he answered casually. "His needed to be sent to the shop for a tune-up so he'll be using mine for a while. I thought you might have gotten my message as a heads up but -" he paused for a second as a glint of understanding dawned to him. "Oh. Maya, baby, I'm so sorry -"

I shook my head. A huge smile, one of gratitude and elation, masked over my face. "It's fine, it's okay. I just had a small panic attack but I'm okay now. I promise."

"Momma!" cheered Autumn, blowing bubbles in my direction and splashing the soapy water in excitement, once she noticed me. "Momma home! Momma home!"

Lucas smiled at me sheepishly. "Want to play bubble dress up? We were suppose to give Aaliyah a bath but we're having too much fun to be doing a chore."

I laughed shakily as I approached them and knelt down beside the pool, landing next to my moist husband, trying to keep my breathing even, and played with Autumn's hair until it stood tall like a tower, careful to not let it topple over. She gave me a toothless smile and I couldn't help but return it to her because I could see she was absolutely safe, completely loved, and protected from the harsh reality of this world. Even if I wasn't here.

I leaned closer to her, towards the third love of my life and the apple of my eye, who is the strength behind my willpower, to help me get through my personal struggles of my past, and the reason behind me fighting to help her get a better future. For her and for us.

"What should momma have?" I asked.

"Crown!" she immediately said. "Momma a princess!"

I chuckled. "No way, baby girl. The only princess here is you. You're mommy's little princess."

Autumn giggled then scooped up a handful of bubbles and started to spread them on top of my head, forming together a deformed version of her crown. Next to me, Lucas wrapped an arm around my waist, pulling me close to him, and smothered my cheek with multiple butterfly kisses that made me smile happily while I playfully leaned away from him.

"Not in front of our daughter, HeeHaw," I said half-heartedly, half-sternly. I felt him grin against my jawline and nuzzled into my neck.

"Alright," he whispered quietly against my skin, only enough for me to hear. His voice got lower, deeper, and huskier - the sound quavered me into a shivering mass of raging hormones. "Maybe later when she's not around," he added in a raucous tone, his breath warming up a patch of my throat. I subtly bit my lip; if he continued with this sensual act of his, we might end up having sex with hot fudge, cold whip cream, ice cubes, and a mix of cherries on top if he behaved enough until nighttime comes.

"We'll see, Sundance, we'll see."

---

"Family life is full of major and minor crisis - the ups and downs of health, success and failure in career, marriage, and divorce- and all kinds of characters. It is tied to places and events and histories. With all of these felt details, life etches itself into memory and personality. It's difficult to imagine anything more nourishing to the soul."

- Thomas Moore

---

Hours later, Lucas and I were in the living room with me grading up some of my student's essays about timeline of art and how much it changed throughout the years while Lucas went over a couple reports of the animals he had taken care of for the day and coming up with medical solutions to cure their illness. Autumn was also here, playing with her Hello Kitty airplane set and Disney laptop. Aaliyah was sound asleep beside her, curled up like a furball, and letting our rumbling snores. It was past Autumn's bedtime - she was suppose to have slept a couple of minutes ago but she had taken a nap earlier and she was wide awake like a sun.

I learned on the third months that I shouldn't force her into something she didn't want to do, especially when she was going through the "Terrible Two's" phase.

I had a pretty sizeable chunk of Susan Miller's essay to analyze but I couldn't concentrate. My daughter's adorable quirky antics were a distraction; the way she was playing with the jet and trying to chew it was irresistible to not look at. And there is the concentrated Lucas beside me who is mumbling to himself as he read his documents. Then there are those framed glasses he uses only to read ever since he was eleven. I am used to seeing him wear them but I couldn't stop being mesmerized at how alluring he looked with them resting on the bridge of his nose.

Hoping he wouldn't notice my gaze, I watched as he reached down to flip the papers and his arm muscles strained by the length. His body rippled with every movement. I am still not used to seeing something like this before. Something so...beautiful. It isn't like seeing a marble statue of a Greek god in the art museum with its glittering qualities but it was a different kind of beauty. It's like comparing a nice boulder to a galloping stallion.

Lucas noticed my gaze, though, he didn't turn to me and continued with his work. I saw his cheeks lift and the corners of his mouth curl upward. I smiled and then went back to grading, biting my lower lip.

"I'm going to the kitchen to get something to drink," he said a minute later and I look up to see him rising from the couch as he stretched out his stiff - well-defined and gloriously delicious - muscles. "Do you want anything?"

"Coke would be nice," I said.

"Pink lemonade it is," he retorted. He gave me a quick kiss on the crown of my head before he carefully stepped past Autumn and left for the kitchen before I could protest.

"Coke!" I yelled after him.

I rolled my eyes I went on the next essay, feeling my head burn from the spot where Lucas kissed me, and my blood slowly rushed up to my cheeks. I couldn't seem to concentrate on Mike Thomas' report at all; all of my thoughts kept on lingering back to Lucas, and that he was alone in the kitchen right now with no chance of us getting disturbed by anyone. Autumn was distracted by her toys so she wouldn't notice me being gone. An adventurous part of me was determined to drop everything and join Lucas in there while the motherly part of me has me grounded.

"Momma!" said Autumn. "Look what I did!"

She crawled up to me and held up her toy laptop for me to see she had managed to draw a stick figure of Mickey Mouse. There were other figures there but they seemed like a messy scribble to me and I couldn't identify them.

"That's amazing, sweetie," I said adoringly. "Are those his friends?"

"That's you!" She set the laptop on my knee and pointed at the stick figure with a triangle waist. "That's papa!" She gestured to the other that seems to have a bowtie. "And that's me!" she added as she showed me the miniature version of me. "It's Disney! Us in Disney!"

I grinned. "You really wanna go to Disney World, don't you? You want to meet Mickey Mouse one day? And one of the princesses?"

"Yes!" she said excitedly, forgetting the laptop altogether as she pushed it onto the couch and leapt onto my knee, causing me to drop the papers on the floor to latch onto her. "I wanna see Princess Elena! She's my favorite!"

"Don't worry, baby girl, one day you will," I said.

"Promise?"

"I promise."

I kissed her on the cheek then placed her on the couch next to me before I bent to pick up my fallen essays. Autumn was never one to stay still; she had dropped next to me to help me stack them up in a pile and set them onto the coffee table, her face kind and gentle. I gave her another kiss and then held her in my arms as I went back on the couch.

"Hey, honey, you want to play a game?" I asked.

"A game?" Autumn gasped incredulously, a look of complete excitement painting over her face, as I stood on my feet. I shushed her by placing a finger on my lips, and she mirrored the actions before quieting herself. "What game, momma?"

"You'll see," I said quickly, lowering Autumn down to my thigh. I moved my hand to the back of her head, and after taking a deep breath, I slowly lowered Autumn by her head to the concrete. I watched her as she tried to process what I was trying to do; she was silent until her head was inches from the floor and I was holding onto her legs like they were her only lifeline.

Then, as Autumn was near the ground, she screamed until it turned into a hysterical laughing fit and she was beginning to enjoy the thrill of this stunt. My grin widen at her ecstasy. I immediately bounced her right back but she continued tittering, the sound making me feel elated. I repeated lowering her to the ground headfirst, my hand on her head.

"More, more!" she cheered after I bounced her upright. "More, momma, more!"

Just then, as I leaned her down to the floor, Lucas came back from with kitchen with two glasses and paused once he saw us. I went on with my little game with Autumn, each rise and drop making her shriek giddily than the last, and I couldn't help but chuckle along with her, watching as her short blonde hair sprawl across her face at each movement and her chest bouncing with her laughter.

"You two having fun?" asked Lucas while he placed the two glasses of pink lemonade on the table and approached us to take Autumn in his arms, beaming brightly as she continued tittering. "Are you having an adventure?"

Lucas started teasing Autumn around, playing peekaboo as if she was still an infant. Autumn lightly slapped his hands away from his face and sometimes she would accidentally hit him in the head so hard his neck looked like it would snap back.

"Do what momma did, papa," Autumn urged on. "Do it again! Do it -" she suddenly stopped to let out a cute yawn and smacked her lips.

"Uh-oh, someone looks sleepy," Lucas cooed.

Autumn shook her head. "Not sweepy, pa -" she yawned once again and rubbed her eyes.

"I'll go take her to bed," insisted Lucas as Autumn dropped her head on his shoulder and tucked her arms closed to her chest, fluttering her eyes closed. The view of my daughter feeling safe enough to sleep so soundly in the arms of her father and my husband has me feeling a bubbling sensation in my chest.

"Yeah, that's the best."

I gave him a kiss on the cheek and smiled affectionately after Lucas as he walked out of the living room. I chose to gather up Autumn's toys into the basket and her rumpled quilt that Topanga made for her on her one year birthday. I then huddle together Lucas' paperwork into a neat stack to put them into his briefcase before I started to collect my work. I had until Thursday to give back the essays to the students for their final grade.

I carried the stuff with me on my way upstairs, flicking the lights off on the way, but I made sure I left the corridor lights on as I walked down to my bedroom. I could hear the faint sound of Lucas humming from Autumn's bedroom as I entered my room and placed our stuff on our table and I turned, about to head over to my daughter's room, when I stopped on the spot at the little figure standing at the doorway.

"Momma."

I smiled down at my one year and a half son, Troy Friar, who was rubbing the grogginess of his eyes and lazily holding his stuffed wolf beside him. The little cowboy, with his sandy blonde hair sticking up in all directions, walked up to me until he wrapped himself around my leg and rested his head against it.

"I wery swe'py," he whined into my leg.

I smiled as I bent down to pick him up and held him against my hip whilst he placed his head on my shoulder, his shaggy hair flopping over his adorable face and hiding his emerald green eyes from me. I brushed back his hair and rubbed his back while I started to carry him back to his nursery.

"Well, you were sleeping a few minutes ago," I said. "I thought you were out like a light after you drank your warm milk. Why are you awake now?"

"Sky woke 'e up," he mumbled.

I chuckled. "I'm sorry to hear that, bud. Don't worry, papa and I are getting her to sleep so you won't have to wake up ever again. You can sleep about fighting crime with Batman again."

"O'ay," he answered, his words slurred.

Slowly, I rubbed small circles on the small exposed skin of his back under his dinosaur shirt, knowing this technique is best to lure him back to dreamland quicker, and I hummed the same lullaby I sang to Autumn lightly into his ear as I listened to his slow breathing while closing my eyes to the sound.

When I was sure he dozed off, I tucked him back into bed, placed a lingering kiss on his forehead, and then I checked to make sure the baby monitor was on like I left it before I trudged out of the room, leaving the door cracked open. I worked my trend slow and quiet as I strolled down the hallway, the floorboards creaking slightly beneath my footsteps. The door to Autumn's room was wide open and when I peeked inside, I was left speechless; in the glow of the moonlight, I saw my husband cradling my daughter in his arms, humming a gentle tune despite her being already unconscious in her sleep.

"You're a miracle worker, babe," I whispered.

Lucas glanced over our daughter's head. "Is she asleep? Every time I'm about to tuck her in she wakes up again."

"She's knocked out," I said as I took long strides to them and wrapped my arms around his waist, leaning my head against his upper arm. My eyes roamed over my daughter's angelic face free from all emotions as she slept peacefully. I gently caressed her smooth cheek.

"She's so beautiful," Lucas stated.

I smirked. "Daddy likes to flatter the girls in his life, doesn't he, baby girl?"

Lucas chuckled. "I'm just stating facts."

He slowly and softly placed Autumn in her bed, watching her intently to make sure she is showing signs of not waking up anytime soon. I stood next to him whilst he pulled the blanket over her, smiling down at her as she unconsciously sucked on the tip of her thumb. It is an old habit she had and Lucas wanted to break her out of it before she started preschool this September but I couldn't seem to find the heart to stop her.

Lucas curled his arms around my waist as he stood behind me and started to spread several butterfly kisses on the side of my neck. I could feel a heat rising up within my body as he did this, the feeling causing shivers to run through my skin that I needed to suppress, though, my cheeks were blazing hot from the deep red blush I'm sure is there.

"You're going into dangerous waters, Huckleberry," I warned. I don't sound very convincing even for me.

"I think I can handle it," he quipped confidently.

I easily slipped out of his grasp and struck my way out of the room, sashaying my hips along with the rhythm of my steps, then paused at the doorway to look over my shoulder with an inviting smirk. Lucas stood there, staring at me with a ravenous gleam in his eyes, biting his lip in a desired manner.

"Aren't you coming? I still need my nightly shower."

He grinned improperly and dashed after me.

---

"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife."

- Jane Austen

---

"I love you."

My hand paused briefly. Lucas had his head on my torso, snuggled comfortable between my breasts, his eyes closed, as I weaved my fingers through his disheveled hair, which was still wet from our recent shower. We lacked energy and were savoring in the afterglow of making love a few minutes ago. Our bodies are tangled within the sheets, our clothes rumpled from dressing up in case one of the kids woke up in the middle of the night to ask for a glass of water.

"I know," I replied as I resumed stroking his hair. "You told me that fifteen times when I did that neat little trick with my tongue on your -"

"Nice to hear you're so humble, darling," he mumbled sarcastically. His lips were carved into a dazzling, calm smile. He brought my free hand up and pressed it to his lips.

I chuckled. "I love you too, Lucas. I always do. I'll be here when you wake up."

And I'll be here every day after that. Because I really do love him. Because he is the reason why I have a family. My own family. My fears died because of him. And he is half of my family. He is family.

And family is something worth living for. Because it is where heaven is.

---

Hope you all enjoyed the message behind this story. You're worth the love, the devotion, and you have a value so deep that will soon be discovered by someone who will show you what your own eyes don't see in yourself.

Stay Strong!