A/N: Okay, please bear with me on this one. I live in what is the definition of a dysfunctional home with constant arguing between my grandmother and parents since I was young and often being treated like a child by my lazy dad who enters my room and takes my things without my permission all the time. I love them all but my mother is the only I can talk to. From the third to the eighth grade I was bullied relentlessly which destroyed my self-esteem so even today, four years later, it is dirt low and only because I went to a different high school with all new people. I am alone most of the time and this loneliness really hurts me a lot. I have friends but none near me and I don't have a girlfriend often believing I never will and I'll be alone forever. This story is the real story of my life with all the emotions, events, words, and thoughts that I've have had and still have using Shinji as a vessel. My hope is by expressing these things will help me by telling so they won't be bottled up.
Disclaimer: I don't own Evangelion it is the property of Gainax.
"My life is fucked up" that was sad statement of one Shinji Ikari as he lay on his bed in his room. The young Evangelion pilot was in a state of depression and he started thinking about the problems he faced starting with his family.
"I hate my family" said the boy, he couldn't stand his upbringing. His mother, was the only one he could reach to. Nobody got him they couldn't understand what he went through. Everyday his family brought him pain to the point he just wanted to lock himself and away and close himself off. Misato was the only one he could talk to because at least she cared. He figured it was better to close himself his on world alone because there you don't face pain.
"Alone" Shinji re-stated that word. "I'm always alone."
This was true, while Shinji had friends , Toji and Kensuke but there was no way he could talk to them. It was easier to keep things to himself rather then talking.
Then he moved to his romance life, he could never talk to girls and when he did he was only the friend like Hikari and Rei. When it came to Asuka he could never tell her how he felt and Shinji felt like he never find anyone and he was going to live and die alone with no one there for him. He was always alone and the loneliness hurt.
The he moved on the bullying. Being an Evangelion pilot meant he was saving the world from Third Impact but nobody cared they hated him for the destruction caused and he was bullied relentlessly. The names and insults flung by peers as he was right next to them. Everyone felt like a sword piercing his heart. It was to the point he faked illness to avoid school.
"Worthless" he said with anger in his voice. He often felt like this. He tried to help but often got in the way. Others had to take over and to take over and finish the job because he wasn't good enough. Whenever he was unable to help he felt like shit because he felt like he had to purpose to be around.
"Pathetic" Shinji said with hurt in his voice. Then he looked over to his drawer, he had a knife from dinner on it.
While staring at this at this a though entered his head, "I could use this to cut my wrists."
These types of thoughts weren't new at all. Wrist cutting or driving a knife into his heart, he had these appear in his head before.
"If I do that" he thought to himself "All the pain will be gone and I'll never be hurt again."
As he stared at the knife thinking about following through with these thoughts a faint knock came suddenly at his door.
"Shinji?' he recognized it as Misato
Shinji put on a happy face and said "Come in Misato" with fake happiness in his voice.
The purple haired Major entered the room and looking at her young ward said "Shinji I want to say I'm proud of how well you did on your synch training today." She knew he hurt but not how bad.
"Thank you Misato" Shinji replied with real joy in his voice, this was what he needed to know, he was of value.
Misato left and as soon as he was certain she was in her room he slipped into the kitchen making sure not to arouse the attention of Asuka or Pen-Pen who were watching TV and put the knife in the sink.
Shinji went back to his room happy, for the time he was okay but deep down he knew those thoughts would return and well he knew that wasn't the answer and wanted to live he was afraid he couldn't resist acting on them.
A/N: Like I said everything expressed in this story are feeling I've really had and still have from the feeling of isolation and worthlessness to end including off course the knife scene is my life just told through Shinji. I've been doing a lot better in the last four years and the worse was in middle school and is over. I have talked to my mother about this and she's doing all she can and I'm also talking to a therapist whose been a great help in dealing with these thoughts and emotions and who encouraged me to express my feelings in story and publish this work. Thanks again for reading and feel free to review.