If you don't know about my being an "alter," you might want to go read Mairead's profile before you read this story. Otherwise it might not make much sense.

Eren's Christmas Wish

If you haven't been reading Jack's story, "The Rehabilitation Of Pitch Black," you don't know the cake situation: I was planning to make a cake for Levi's birthday (which falls on Christmas day) and he knew very well what I was up to, but he pretended not to, and I pretended I didn't know he knew. And you should also know that when we had to hurry out of the house on short notice, through the kitchen, he saw the cake pans out and cooling on top of the stove.

Well, as we headed out to the car, I said, "You can stop pretending." I tried to say it light-heartedly, but completely failed. I couldn't help feeling like something had been ruined.

After a moment, Levi said, "Well, it was fun while it lasted."

I huffed. "Yeah."

"If it makes you happy, I can still act surprised."

I shook my head with an insincere smile. I tried to let it go, but as we drove along, I blurted out, "I just wanted to do something for you... to surprise you."

Calm as ever, he answered, "You do that every day."

I snorted. "You know what I mean." After thinking about it a minute I added, "Are you getting sappy on me?"

"Maybe a little."

I felt a little better at that, but it was temporary. He put his hand on my knee as a comforting sort of gesture, but it just made the whole situation come back in all its annoying frustration.

"I miss my dad," I said suddenly. He didn't answer and the silence stretched out, making me uncomfortable. "I know he abandoned us," I said, "and I know I couldn't ask him anything..." We had agreed that we didn't want to learn any major plot-changing information about our home world until we were both ready to go back. Not, at least until Mairead was ready to learn it. That was one of the reasons we hadn't read the manga. So, even though I didn't know if my dad was alive or dead, or if he was on the side of the soldiers trying to take back ground from the Titans, or working for someone else, I wouldn't ask him even if I could. "...I just want to see him. If I could just have one wish for Christmas..." I got choked up on my own melodrama. "That would be it," I managed to finish.

A minute or so went by and then Levi asked, "Do you want to try?"

I knew we could probably arrange it. Leo was good at retrieving people we asked for, and sometimes people would "drop in" on their own if we were thinking about them enough. "I don't know," I said.

"You don't know why he didn't come back. He might not have been able to."

"I know. But that's something I couldn't ask him."

"Well, think about it. We can talk about it again later."

We got to decorate the cake in the dining room where Levi wouldn't see it before we were ready, and I started to feel a lot better, but I still missed my dad. Eventually, I told Levi I was pretty sure I wanted to go through with it, but it wasn't until two days after Christmas that I finally decided I was ready.

Levi stayed nearby, not so close that he was in the way, but close enough that he could easily step in if needed.

Drop-ins can be anything from a disembodied voice to a full-fledged flesh-and-blood visitor (on our plane, anyway, not Mairead's). I was a bit sleepy at that point, so I curled up in the living room and closed my eyes, trying to picture my father's face. It had been a while since I saw him.

"Dad?" I waited, the image of his face slipping and then coming back to me. "Dad?"

And then he was there. Not quite full-fledged, but not just a disembodied voice, either.

I don't remember exactly what I said to him... I babbled some stuff about not being able to ask him what I really wanted to and what-not.

He understood—most alters don't need major explanations when they get here. "I'm so proud of you," he said, stroking my hair.

He was a little blurry... as if his face could be only as clear as my memory of it from years ago. But I knew his voice. And when he said he was proud of me I instantly felt I didn't deserve it. "I'm so sorry about Mom," I said, quickly getting choked up.

He pulled me against his chest. "It's not your fault," he said gently, still petting my hair. "I wish I had been there. Although... likely as not, there's nothing I could have done either."

"I wanted to save her," I went on. "If I'd only known what I could do... but then, maybe I didn't have my abilities at that point. I don't know. That's one of those things I can't ask you... I wish I could ask..."

"I wish I could tell you."

"Well... you can tell me one thing," I said. There were tears standing in my eyes, but for some reason they hadn't fallen. "Did you love us?" I asked. This question wouldn't spoil whether he was alive or dead, or which side he was on, or where he was now. But it still seemed desperately important to me.

"Very much," he answered, holding me tight.

My throat tightened and I kind of plastered myself against him. "I love you, too," I said in a whisper. I couldn't get any voice out without it sounding really awful.

"Thank you."

"I don't know why I never told you... never told Mom. The last thing I said to her before it happened... was something really terrible." I shut my eyes tight at the unpleasant memory. "And then when I was losing her, even then I didn't tell her. Why didn't I tell her?"

"She knew," my dad said.

"But why couldn't I say it?" I stayed quiet for a bit, waiting for my breathing to slow down, feeling his hand on my head again and again. "We all missed you," I said. "Mom and Mikasa... Mikasa's the one I should really feel bad for. She lost her family twice."

"She still has you."

"Yeah... but she's so scared of losing me, she protects me like a mother wolf or something." I chuckled a little.

"At least I know you're in good hands."

But she's not, I thought to myself. Mikasa being so protective meant she would follow me anywhere, possibly to her death. It was the last thing I wanted. But I was also in good hands here. I glanced toward Levi.

"You have a good captain," Dad said.

I nodded. "He takes good care of me."

"Good."

We sat up—whose idea it was, I'm not sure, but it seemed to signal that he was about to leave.

"Eren, I'm sure your mother knew that you loved her," he sad. "I'm not saying she wouldn't have liked to hear it. But... she knew."

I sniffed a little and he caressed my face with one hand and that was it.

"He's gone," I said, as if Levi wouldn't have noticed.

Levi nodded. "Are you all right?"

"I think so," I said. Really, it had gone better than I expected, so I didn't know why my heart felt so heavy. I guess I just wished he could have stayed. That we could have talked for real.

Jack came back into the room (he had left it to give us some privacy) and I kept to myself for a while. I decided I was lucky to be here, where we can do almost anything we can imagine. If we had been in our own world for Christmas, I would certainly not have gotten my wish. And if, somehow, I had managed to find my father, there would have been no safe, comforting conversation free of hard questions or spiteful accusations. I knew this really had been the best I could hope for, better than unwrapping a present. Not just a wish granted. More like an answer to a prayer.

Most of the time, Levi can fill the emptiness my dad left. But he never seemed remotely miffed or jealous because I wanted to talk to my actual father. He really is a good friend... incredible is probably more accurate. I guess what I'm getting at is, now that I got my dad-visit fix, I'm content to be stuck here with Levi as the only other person from my world. I am in good hands, and things really will be OK. As long as he's with me.

Thanks for reading. I'd like to hear from you. 3 Eren