Disclaimer: Kingdom Hearts is not mine.

Summary: Wherein Xemnas tries to expand the Organization and fails spectacularly.

Warning: Some language, probably some OOC-ness, stalking, Blatant Lies, unreliable narrators, references to other fandoms (mostly anime), extremely not-in-chronological-order, unbeta-ed!fic, does not adhere to 358/2 Days at all...

Author's Note: This... Hmm. It was originally only a little 1,000-word fic, and then I started editing and adding and drinking latte and editing some more... And it took a life of its own. No idea if this actually makes sense since I kept changing everything, but it was my first time writing something like this and it was hell :D Can you tell it took me months to finish this?

Cookies to anyone who recognizes all the references (I have a list at the end).

Happy New Year!

And Not a Single One Was Recruited

Recruitment Report 0 [Xemnas]

It is indeed fortunate that I found Roxas in Twilight Town. He is coming along nicely, picking up the slack the inactive Keyblade Master has left behind. Unfortunately, one Nobody, Keyblade or no, cannot make up for the losses I am anticipating for Castle Oblivion. Marluxia will die in that mission. So will Larxene. The rest, I am reserving judgement on. Nevertheless, I must have new recruits ready to take their place before the mission starts.

Alas, Greater Nobodies are extremely rare; and it is rarer still that new recruits exceed their expected lifespan of 1.5 weeks [see: New Recruits are Stupid and Annoying and Deserve to Die Report 31]. Their short lifespans are not the result of the dangerous nature of most missions. Rather, new recruits often meet their ends at the hands of the current Organization members themselves. I myself admit to turning quite a few of them to Dusks [see: Incompetence Report 4]. Powerful though they are, their ineptitude is truly astounding.

Not that my members are any better. Their reports are always handed in late, and it is often a challenge to piece together what happened when their accounts are out of order and all over the place. How am I supposed to stalk - err, ensure their safety if I do not know what is happening in the Castle? Perhaps I -

... I sense a large disturbance in the balance of Light and Darkness.

The Fourth Wall has been broken. A Greater Nobody has been born. No, not just one - eight, nine, ten, more than a dozen! This is impossible. This is too good to be true - !

Too good to be true.

There is a catch.

An investigation is in order.

Recruitment Report 1 [Xemnas]

Recruiting the previously mentioned Greater Nobodies [see: Recruitment Report 0] was, to my eternal shame, a mistake of the highest caliber.

Incidentally, I was the first one to strike down one of the fools.

He was the last one to be assigned a mentor. The rest of the members already had one or two new recruits under their wing (aside from Roxas, who is too young and inexperienced and is still technically a new recruit himself), so I decided to take a chance and have Demyx and Axel mentor him in the ways of reconnaissance and sent them all to Wonderland. It would be a good experience for Demyx, as he was the only member of the Organization aside from Roxas to have no experience in mentoring. I subconsciously hoped that Demyx's natural talent for stealth would rub off on the recruit; and that the new recruit's work ethics would rub off on Demyx. It was a foolish hope. Luckily, I had the foresight to have Xigbar secretly monitor all of them.

To summarize Xigbar's report [see: Stalking Report 12], everything was going fine until Axel left the other two to set up some barriers. That was when the Cheshire Cat showed up. The new recruit was so "freaked out" by it that he ran off and tripped over the Queen of Hearts during a game of croquet. The Queen of Hearts, in retaliation, ordered for his execution and sent Card Soldiers after him. Demyx managed to give the new recruit a crash course on Wonderland tactics during the ensuing fight and, together, defeated the Card Soldiers. Demyx then explained to him that "'Wonderland is naturally weird - you should be fine as long as you don't mess with the Queen, and where the floundering hell is Axel!" but the new recruit "cussed him out worse than Larxene and a drunk sailor put together" ran off again. It was at this point that Xigbar revealed his presence, helped Demyx track down the new recruit, found Axel laughing at the Queen, and subsequently dragged the recruit back - "kickin' and screamin'" - to the World That Never Was.

I interrogated the new recruit personally in order to gauge his reaction towards his behaviour. It was shameful. His incompetence far exceeded that of all other Nobodies before him. Even Dusks are less incompetent than he. I came to the conclusion that the new recruit was too pathetic to be of any use... and thus does not deserve to be a member of the Organization despite his status as a Greater Nobody. How a man like him came to possess a strong will is beyond me.

I am now deliberating on an acceptable course of action regarding the new recruit. Keeping him as a member is a disaster waiting to happen. Turning him into a Dusk is better than what he deserves. Leaving him at the mercy of my enemies will give them the wrong impression.

That only leaves one option.

I must see if there are starving dragons in the Land of Dragons.

Recruitment Report 2 [Xigbar]

The guy's dead, alright?

In my defence, we were training. I needed to improve my accuracy, he needed to improve his evasion. Plus, the dude was perfect for moving target practice, speeding around like that. Those boots of his were really something. Super kicking strength and speed? Hell yeah. I was sure he could take it.

Okay, I may have overdone it a bit. He was a new recruit... But I needed to let off some steam after that disaster of a training exercise with the other new recruit (heard Xemnas fed him to the dragons - heh, serves him right for being a pain in the ass), and he was the one that volunteered and arranged it and everything [see: macrohard picture document: Permission to Use the Hall of Empty Melodies During Training]. There were some Dusks hanging around, they can vouch for me. He knew what he was going into - I'm a damn good Freeshooter, after all, he should've expected to be hit.

Anyway, I have to report how it happened now. You can probably already guess what happened, but protocol is protocol.

I was lounging in the Grey Area, minding my own business (don't listen to Vexen; you know he hates me) when suddenly, out of the blue, the new recruit popped up and asked me to train with him! Took a lot of guts to ask me of all people to train with him. I said yeah, 'cause why not? So we (it was all him, really) filled out that stupid permission form (I don't care if it prevents two groups from using the Hall of Empty Melodies at the same time - it's stupid and first come should first serve), and we went. It was going well: he was running around, I was shooting around, and I was really starting to like this new recruit (amazing, right?). Then the guy tripped over a jar and one of my arrows hit his shoulder and then poof! Gone, just like that. I guess he was what they call a "fragile speedster." I have no idea where that jar came from, by the way, it was just there.

Eh, I'm not sorry for killing him. If he couldn't even survive being hit by just one arrow, then he probably wouldn't have lasted long on his missions. Might as well weed out the weak.

Also, I think I like stalking people now. Gimme more stalking missions!

Recruitment Report 3 [Xaldin]

I took it upon myself to punish the new recruit for lack of conduct during training.

Saïx asked me to train this particular recruit due to her past life as a psychologist. We both thought her expertise would be useful to the ongoing mission concerning Prince Adam, the Beast, so I agreed. I, more than anyone, know that manipulating the emotions of as volatile a creature as the Beast is a delicate procedure. I thought, with her help, the process would go more smoothly. Unfortunately, there were some... aspects... of her former job that I did not take into account.

She utterly refused to use her knowledge "for evil." In fact, she did the exact opposite. Not only did she try to give the Beast counselling, but she also scolded me for using "ethically questionable methods of therapy."

Did she not understand that we are the villains of this story?

Her background as a psychologist was, instead of a boon, a liability. I had two options: readjust her memories with the power of Naminé, or eliminate her completely.

Due to the currently unstable nature of Naminé's powers [see: What the Hell is That Witch Doing? Report 2], I chose the latter option.

Recruitment Report 4 [Vexen]

New recruits are astonishingly good at being experimental guinea pigs [see: Effectiveness of Idiot Recruits as Lab Subjects Report 16]. Scared, confused, nervous, eager to please - they'll believe anything I tell them. Please tell the other members if they have a problem with a new recruit, send them to me. I can punish them and make advancements in the field of science at the same time.

Hmm, yes, I have to report about my so-called "latest victim." I truly do not understand why our more juvenile members (and Xigbar) insist on calling them so. New recruits should be honoured for helping me with my research.

The new recruit was sent to me by Saïx to teach them the art of information gathering. Of course, there are many types of information gathering: reconnaissance, espionage, et cetera. With her, I focused on scientific research. I thought having another academically-inclined member would be beneficial to our various projects.

She took to it like fish to water. It may have something to do with the fact that I turned her to a goldfish... It was for a good cause. The potion she drank was meant to imitate the transformative atmosphere of Atlantica so we can finally get a sense of that place without relying on Demyx's dubious musical reports. It worked better than I expected... Which was a bad thing, as I only intended to turn her half fish, similar to the mermaids of Atlantica, not a whole one [see: Non-Matter Manipulation: Aquatic Animals 7]

The fact that she wrecked thousands of munny's worth of equipment with her goddamn powers five minutes after stepping into the room had absolutely nothing to do with my decision to test a potentially volatile potion on her. I am a professional - I do not hold grudges. Incidentally, that potion is permanent and there is no way to turn her back to her humanoid form, so I gave her to Demyx as a pet. That should keep him from pestering me for a while. He keeps asking me to invent fire that can burn underwater. Idiot neophyte, everyone knows you can get that from Camp Half-Blood...

Recruitment Report 5 [Lexaeus]

Recruit 5 currently rests under a five-ton boulder.

He ate my cheesecake.

Recruitment Report 6 [Zexion]

It is my firm belief that the new recruit was not mentally stable and would have been a danger to others if he was to stay as a member of the Organization. A shame that girl with the psychology background had to be eliminated - she would have been useful for dealing with this new recruit.

Though the new recruit had seemed to be adjusting well to the notion of having no heart, I noticed some indications that he was, in fact, in denial.

Case in point: he had been stalking his former lover, who was a veterinarian specializing in birds, in between missions.

It was unacceptable behaviour. He was my charge, therefore I deemed it my responsibility to properly dispose of all distractions to him.

The veterinarian and her staff are currently residing comfortably in a mental institution, leaving a house full of magpies without a caretaker. The new recruit then committed treason by trying to attack me in his so-called rage. The punishment for treason is extermination, and that, Superior, is why there is one less new recruit in the castle.

Unfortunately, the one of the other new recruits is apparently a bird enthusiast. He heard what happened and adopted the abandoned magpies [see: macrohard picture document: Adoption Papers from SPCA]. The idiot. I can already tell he's not going to last long. He'll probably end up angering Axel.

Recruitment Report 7 [Saïx]

The new recruit is a fool. I deemed it necessary to eradicate his existence for the good of the Organization.

In accordance to standard training procedures, I sent him with Lexaeus to learn how to use his Limit Break [see: Training Report 4]. Not even five minutes after, I received a message from Lexaeus that problems have arisen and he needed some help getting the new recruit out of it.

Apparently, the new recruit had been trapped by his own Limit Break. Inside a Corridor of Darkness. Why was he activating his Limit Break inside a Corridor of Darkness? According to Lexaeus, the new recruit was grating on his nerves, so he slapped him in the head to keep him quiet. Lexaeus had used too much strength and injured new recruit bad enough that he panicked and activated his Limit Break, which consisted of dozens of ropes tying and entangling would-be enemies. This would have been a clever way to incapacitate Lexaeus if he had not lost control and ended up entangling himself in it. He didn't even know how to deactivate his Limit Break, the imbecile.

I contemplated trying to rescue him, but I decided that a member who could not control his own powers was of no use to the Organization and was not worth the effort of expending the required effort to rescue him. So I opened another Corridor and threw him in Atlantis. As you know, that world has always been a problem to us due to its predominantly underwater environment, and as we are Nobodies its transformative atmosphere does not affect us. I shall ask Vexen to create a solution to that problem later (and deal with Demyx who has been pestering him of late) but as of now I am confident that the new recruit has been taken care of. The combination of his wounds and the fact that he is underwater without a capacity to breathe or an immunity to water pressure should be enough to kill him.

Recruitment Report 8 [Axel]

Kingdom Hearts, I hate new recruits. Seriously, thirteen new guys all at one? That's just too much! Why can't we just stay at thirteen? Organization XIII is a badass name, what with the whole unlucky thing we got going on. There's no need to change it to, like, Organization XXVI. That's just dumb.

Where was I? Right: I hate new recruits. So I have absolutely no regrets to what I did to our newest failure. But if I do get punished this, I'm dragging Larxene down with me, the bitch.

So me, Larxene, and the new guy (can't call him new kid 'cause he's, what, forty?) went to Halloween Town to expose him to some of the weirder worlds. He was taking it really well until we encountered that Jack Skella-whatsit dude and ran away with his tail between his legs. We followed him through a Corridor, but apparently he got himself lost and didn't make it back to the Castle. Me and Larxene eventually found him in the Rainsworth mansion being introduced to (verbally tormented by) the infamous Xerxes Break and his puppet Emily. Poor guy, no one gets away from Xerxes Break unscarred [see: Xerxes Break's Successful Attempt at Breaking Lexaeus Report 1]. Larxene didn't help matters - she just stood there and laughed. I, being the responsible person I am, dragged both of them back to the Castle.

The guy's mental state was worse than we thought. As soon as he touched home base, he just, I dunno, lost it. Attacked everything he saw, muttering something about puppets and dolls and hats. Obviously, he was a lost cause, so I saved everyone the trouble and just burned him right there. There was no loss - he was a weakling anyway.

As for the other new guy, I totally had nothing to do with that - it was all Demyx. I don't know why he's trying to frame me (maybe 'cause I stole the last ice cream bar from the freezer?). I never once spoke to the new recruit - and I was with Roxas in the kitchen entire time. Speaking of the kitchen, what the hell appened to the fridge?

Recruitment Report 9 [Demyx]

I was framed, I tell you! It was all Axel!

Also, we need more jars. Half of our stock got destroyed because of that other new guy; I'm pretty sure Luxord's writing a report on that right now. The other half... Well, I'll get to that. Anyway, I already sent the order for more jars, no need to worry [see: macrohard picture document: Receipt for Mail-Order Jars x800].

So it all went like this: I was attending the funeral of my newly deceased pet fish (RIP Mr. Fishy Fish) when the new recruit fell out of a window (what was he doing in Roxas's room?) and asked me what I was doing. I told him, then he got confused 'cause he thought Nobodies didn't die and just faded away. I explained to him that my fish wasn't a Nobody so it did die and that was why I was holding a funeral. (Speaking of which, does anyone know what happened my fish's corpse? It suddenly vanished into tiny black particles and I think Vexen may have something to do with it but he's not talking.)

So yeah, we were talking, and I asked him what he was doing in Roxas's room. He kind of evaded the question so I dropped it but then Axel burst from nowhere and demanded what the hell the new recruit was doing Roxas's room. At this point I was terribly confused and had no idea what they were talking about - something about "indulging pet magpies" and "shiny things" and "keychains".

The new recruit stormed off after arguing with Axel - which was a dumb idea because everyone knows you don't just turn your back on an experienced assassin with a penchant for fire during an argument. Axel got this really scary look on his face - like, I'm-about-to-throw-a-flaming-chakram-at-your-back scary - and told me to find and bring (lure) the new recruit to the Hall of Empty Melodies in an hour. I tried to refuse, but, well, he threatened me to saddle me with combat missions for the rest of my nonexistence (I'm not stupid; I know he and Saïx had a history), so I really had no choice. I'm terrible at combat missions and everyone knows it!

So I brought the new recruit to the place. The Hall was chock full of jars.

As soon as the new recruit stepped into the Hall, the jars shattered and unleashed their contents. Turned out they had fire inside. I tried to put out the fire, but, well, it wasn't just fire - it was Greek fire, fire that burned even underwater.

The new recruit didn't stand a chance.

You see? It was obviously Axel who set up that trap. He told me to bring the guy there in an hour so he had ample time to go to Camp Half-Blood, get some fire, and set up the trap. He used Greek fire so people will think it's me 'cause I brought him there and it was Greek fire and people'll think I used it so I would have an excuse not to be able to rescue him. See? See?

I mean, sure he touched my sitar, but I wouldn't kill someone because of it...

Recruitment Report 10 [Luxord]

It was foolish of the new recruit to challenge me to a game of chance. Marluxia knew this as well, yet he made no move to warn him. So Marluxia is partly to blame as well.

The new recruit and I were just leaving for our mission in True Cross Academy when Marluxia caught up to us and asked if he could join our mission. I saw no harm, so I let him. We met up with Headmaster Johann Faust V (also known as Loki, Raven, Mephisto Pheles, Samael, et cetera) and started our mission. Through a series of bizzare events that are explained in my mission report [see: Playing Strip Poker Inside a Demonic Cuckoo Clock is a Bad Idea Report 1], we ended up leaving Marluxia very smug, the new recruit with slightly less clothes, and me 2,000 munny's worth of clothing richer.

The new recruit did not take this well.

When we got back, the new recruit insisted we continue our game "just so I can kick - err, just for fun" (without the stripping aspect). We obliged (Marluxia because he thought it would be entertaining, and me because I never refuse a game of poker). Predictably, the new recruit ended up losing... thirty-seven times in a row.

He took it worse than he did the first time. Marluxia and I were forced to use drastic measures to, ah, prevent him from inflicting bodily harm to myself, Marluxia, and several Lesser Nobodies that happened to be around.

Marluxia was in a particularly bad mood that day.

The new recruit suffered before his destruction.

Collateral damages include a large number of jars, the refrigerator, a good portion of the library, and Demyx's new pet fish.

Recruitment Report 11 [Marluxia]

I wasn't kidding when I said the greenhouse is dangerous, especially for new recruits who don't know how to fight. The plants I cultivate (along with the insects necessary for their well-being) are among the most dangerous in all the worlds. Half of them can cause instant death with a touch. The least dangerous plant in my greenhouse can maul a person beyond recognition. I have done all I can to keep everyone away from my greenhouse: I put up warning signs, I assigned Dusks to guard the entrance, I even requested this information to be included during orientations for new recruits. But do they listen? No, they do not, and they only have their stupidity to thank for their untimely demise. Which brings me to our oh-so-talented new recruit.

The new recruit had been a botanist before being turned into a Nobody.

Despite the fact that I calmly insisted that no, the plants really were quite dangerous and even I had to be careful at times, he still thought he could handle it and the man just went and entered the greenhouse.

The Tease butterfly-golems were on him before he even made it past the door.

I contemplated letting him get eaten by the humantraps, but out of the goodness of my nonexistent heart I rescued him. Even cast a Cure spell on him.

Then the man tried to enter it once again.

This time, I didn't bother. A rare Roseanne flower I brought back from Krory's Castle [see: How That Red-Haired Bastard of an Exorcist General Saddled Me With a 40,000 Munny Debt Report 1] was quite happy to take care of the problem.

This entire fiasco is making me frazzled; I need to blow off some steam. Sadly, I can't use the Hall of Empty Melodies for training (Xigbar and a new recruit had booked it in advance)... I'll go see what Luxord is up to.

Recruitment Report 12 [Larxene]

That bitch got it coming. Who just walks up to a person and ruins their cheesecake? It's cheesecake! And she had the gall to do it with one of my books, no less!

So there I was, finishing the last of Lexaeus's cheesecake, when that new recruit just walked in all nonchalant-like, reading my copy of Juliette. What. The. Hell. Where'd she get that in the first place? It was in my bedroom - or, it was supposed to be in my bedroom... Either way, no one is allowed to touch my stuff without permission and I certainly don't remember giving it to her! And of all things she friggin' took my copy of Juliette! I had that especially commissioned from the Marquis de Sade himself! Do you have any idea how much Corridors I went through before finding the one that led to the French Revolution?

I figured she needed a lesson in staying out of other people's rooms and respecting others' privacy, so I flicked some electricity at her. It wasn't even that powerful - just around 0.13 amp - but the wimp acted like she had a heart attack (haha) and dropped my book. Into my cheesecake.

What happened next is far too complicated to write in one report (I'll be doing that separately), but it involved water, a toaster, and a Corridor of Darkness, and it ended with her landing in the middle of Soul Society. Specifically, the Eleventh Division. Nice place, I'm friends with the Captain and Lieutenant.

Yachiru Kusajishi sends her regards and assures us the new recruit "will spill lots of blood and make Ken-chan very happy".

Sweet little girl, isn't she?

The new recruit's probably not going to come back (like hell that wimp stands a chance against Zaraki), so don't hold your breath. Now I gotta check on the kitchen. Don't know what happened there - the last thing I heard before I left was that new recruit I left with the cheesecake screaming in pain and something that sounds like a boulder dropping from nowhere.

Recruitment Report 13 [Roxas]

Um, I think I killed the new recruit.

Also, I think Axel's going to commit mass murder if we get any more new recruits.

I guess I should start over.

We - me, Axel, and the new recruit - were on a mission in Agrabah. It was tense - Axel already didn't like new recruits (I think it had something to do with the time that weirdo with the pet magpies tried to steal my keychains...?) but his dislike for this one was on a whole 'nother level. I think the feeling was mutual, too. There was an incident involving the new recruit, a monkey thief, and a jeweled chalice that ended with me having to cast Blizzaga in the Bazaar, the new recruit half-singed, and Axel very, very damp [see: macrohard picture document: Bill for Special Damages].

Anyway, we finished scouting out some possible candidates for powerful Heartless [see: Jafar is a Psychopath Report 1], but before we could RTC Axel told me that I should learn how to turn Nobodies into Dusks in case one of my Samurai displeased me. So we started the lesson and I got the hang of controlling Nothing, but Axel says I should practice it at least once before leaving. It was like riding a bicycle, he said: it was something you'd never forget. But, you see, I had nothing to practice on. I didn't want to do it on one of my Samurai - they've been pretty well behaved - so Axel suggested I try it on the new recruit as punishment for the earlier incident. He said I was allowed to do it because I have seniority.

I thought the process was reversible, and I think the new recruit thought so too because he didn't object...

So yeah.

Now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure Axel's the one at fault here... Yeah, it's definitely his fault, manipulating me like that. Reminds me of that story Axel told me about ditching Demyx in Wonderland to convince the Cheshire Cat to creep out that new recruit. Speaking of which, look out for Demyx, he's been looking pretty shifty lately...

Oh, in case you're looking for that Dusk, don't bother. Axel and I encountered a rather large group of Emblem Heartless and the recruit/Dusk got caught in the crossfire. It was either the Dusk or an Assassin, and Dusks are a munny a dozen.

Recruitment Report X [Xemnas]

Thirteen new recruits - all dead within a week. I knew there was a catch. Thirteen new potential members, and they all end up dead because of their incompetence. This is unprecedented. Never before have I seen such a long succession of utter foolishness.

It makes me wonder if I should quit while I'm ahead and keep the Organization as is, casualties in Castle Oblivion be damned. Yes, that sounds good. Those new recruits ended up being more of an annoyance than help, no need to chance it again.

But perhaps... If I remember correctly, Vexen still has those notes on cloning research. I could just clone our current (mostly) competent members... If we clone Roxas we could even gain a second Keyblade...

Hmm, something to think about.

AND THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER UNTIL SORA ARRIVES AND KICKS ALL OF THEIR ASSES.

Notes & References

Greek fire, Camp Half-Blood: from Percy Jackson and the Olympians by Rick Riordan. Don't own.
Rainsworth mansion, Xerxes Break, his puppet Emily: from Pandora Hearts by Jun Mochizuki. Don't own.
True Cross Academy, Mephisto Pheles: from Ao no Exorcist by Kazue Katou. Don't own.
Tease golems, Roseanne, Krory's Castle, Red-Haired Bastard of an Exorcist General (Cross Marian): from D. Gray-man by Katsura Hoshino. Don't own.
Soul Society, Eleventh Division, Kenpachi Zaraki: from Bleach by Tite Kubo. Don't own.

0.13 amp is lethal.