So just what is wrong with Kakashi? I guess you'll just have to read and find out huh?
Written this morning, crappy! Thank GOD for spell check~! Reviews and flames and cookies are all welcomed my friends! (ok is it just me or did that sound very Gai-like O.o…Who knows, I'm not even a Jounin and I'm insane)
Disclaimer: Nothing, I'd rather not be sued
Sick
*X:X:X:X:X:X*
What is wrong with me? I feel weird at certain times at certain places, my stomach ties into knots and I find it hard to breath at times. I can't concentrate on anything I do and my throat is so dry it feels like I could drink all the water in rain country. So what in the name of Kami-sama is wrong with me?
I asked Tsunade a great medi-nin and Hokage, just what was wrong with me. I relayed the details about how my heart will speed at times our when my hands go clammy. She looked at me and chuckle while saying, "Kakashi when it comes to anything ninja you're a genius. Everything else, you're a complete idiot. I now understand what people mean by that now." Besides the fact people were saying things (though I really shouldn't be all to surprised) I exited the Hokage tower on a sour note.
Seriously, I could be dying or something and all Tsunade did was laugh? This was not a laughing matter. How could she just tell him to have a nice day and that he'll figure it out later? What if it's some foreign disease and there would be no later?
What if he died?
What if I am left paralyzed?
What if I'm just was overreacting…
…
…
…
Tsunade didn't seem to worried about it. If she's ok with whatever is making me crazier then I guess what could be considered normal, then I guess I'll…live?
Yes, Tsunade wouldn't let the best ninja in Konoha die… would she..?
No. Maybe? I hope not.
I had explained that it started, what a year ago? And I remember there was a really weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. Something inside me was coiling into a tight ball of suppressed feelings and I felt like I was going to explode! It's even worse now, the symptoms have gotten worse and worse to the point where I feel like I can't even breathe!
And it only happens sometimes.
Like when I turn in a mission report.
Or when I happen to glance over at the academy.
Or when I go to Ichiraku's…
I don't understand!
I am Kakashi Hatake, Sharingan Kakashi, I do not enjoy being confused. Sometimes at night I find myself outside an apartment or during the day I'll be reading in the mission room instead of in my usual tree. So just why do I find myself in these places when I feel so distracted I can't even read?
Why am I asking so many questions?
Genma knew what was wrong with me, but the little senbon chewing bastard won't tell me. Anko knew also, and it seems like the news spread throughout the village because now everyone is throwing me looks, looks of happiness!
What are they happy I'm sick? Do they want me dead? They must be because everywhere I go someone is always giving me the I'm-so-happy-for-you-look. Happy for WHAT?
When I wake up in the mornings I feel lonely, I never have before a year ago so why now? Why do I feel like dying if I'm not at a certain place at a certain time? Surely I'm not depressed because what is there to be depressed about? I am a stone cold dead hearted ninja, I don't feel. SO WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
I am not depressed, no, I'm something else. Whatever it is it hurts. Hurts like fucking hell. When I'm alone I feel it eating away at me from the inside out. The pleasant knots that I feel earlier on in the day turn savage and seem to twist my very intestines in fine untie-able knots that rope around my insides and hold me down until I can't breath. They choke me and try to bury me deep into the ground where I can't escape. And it get's worse and worse and I'm drowning, I'm dying until-
I go outside and see a face.
A happy face.
A happy face with a scar and a happy smile.
A happy face with a scar and a happy smile and short brown hair in a pony tail.
He keeps my sanity at bay. He runs a tight shift keeping it locked up until it no longer has a will to find back. But when I'm alone…
The pain returns.
I still don't understand what's wrong with me and as the days go by I hear more and more people say I'm an idiot. I used to take offense to it but now I'm starting to think that they're all right. That I really am as stupid as they say. I need to find out just what's going on.
And to do that I need to stop being an idiot for ten seconds and breath.
Ow. The air hurts my lungs.
Why does it suddenly hurt to breathe now? Have I done something wrong in a past life that the gods won't even forgive me for? So bad that I can't even take in a lungful of fresh air without feeling pin-like needles trailing down my neck and into my body?
Was I really that horrible?
Was I a missing-nin before and kill off half the world of something?
Did I kick a puppy?
Pacing. I've been doing a lot of that lately, I think there's a small indent from where I pace everyday. Right, let's think.
I feel nervous at times and anxious even. My breath hitches and the words get caught in my throat. Could I be suffering from some kind of anxiety order? No, my hands get all weird and sweaty. My mind goes blank and I all want to do is jerk off to images coming to my mind, of course to keep whatever little dignity I have left there's no way in hell that I'd do that.
And then the fuzzy feeling I get. When I look a certain way or think of a certain person my mind goes blank again but the rest of myself heats up and I feel I tingling like sensations burning away at me. I always have to quickly check to make sure I'm not on fire or something. I never am, except for that one time when I had a cooking incident but that was before everything started getting all hazy and fluffy!
Then I saw a smile.
It was a beautiful smile.
It made me warm and fuzzy inside. I wanted to see that smile everyday. I wanted no one else to see that special smile I received that day. I want it to be mine and mine alone. Why did I want the smile? I'm not sure myself.
I've seen that smile everywhere, on all kinds of faces, but when I see it on this persons, I can't help but smile back. Even if I wear a mask.
Nowadays I find myself trailing behind someone. I can't stop fallowing, I'm like a little lost dog who's finally found an owner to look after him. If only that owner would toss him a bone, he'd be more then happy.
I fallow, everywhere and I find myself eating at Ichiraku's or carrying groceries that aren't mine. Once I even found myself camping outside of Konoha in the middle of the night on guard duty. I'm the famous Copy-nin, why would I do guard duty?
But then I saw that smile again. But this time it was directed at someone else with silver hair.
Anger. White hot, agonizing anger filled me up and I couldn't help but want to rip that persons heart and feed it to my nin-dogs to shred to little bits and pieces. I am very much tempted to do that in order to get that smile directed at me again. When that person was sent to jail I couldn't help but feel satisfied. But that satisfaction died down when I saw the forlorn look on that used-to-be-smiling face. That lovely face that kept me captivated and left me confused.
September. September 15th. It's my birthday, where on earth did the time go? Last I remember it was Christmas now it's nearly Christmas again? Since when did that happen?
There's no way anyone would know or could know that's it's my birthday but nevertheless I received something I'll never forget. It was a book, filled with smut yes, but it was who gave it to me. With a bright blush and stammering 'let's go to dinner'
I agreed, of course, and I've never felt happier. And just when I thought my sickness was being cured, it hit with it's full power that night and I felt my body tighten and squeeze out what little air I had. I woke up sweaty and drained the next morning. I was pale then any person should ever be, that including Sai, and I felt sick until-
"Hey Kakashi!" It's a sweet voice it is. I makes my heart sing and do weird things. It makes me want to jump and dance and do something very Gai-like. Like shout to the world or hug anything that moves. I didn't want to hear that voice say anyone's name but mine, I didn't want that voice to scream in agony or sound betrayed. Ever. I wanted it to stay sweet and pure. I wanted it to stay sounding like honey.
The days got longer and harder and by harder I mean harder. If you unfortunately get my drift… So this sickness was effecting everywhere now? Jeez what's next? First my mind and now… the rest of me? What else is it going to consume? What else will it take over, what else will be invaded unwilling? Will my body be taken over completely by some outside force? Sure seems that way. The only way I can feel somewhat normal is after, like, two or three hours in a cold shower. And I really didn't think cold water could run out!
I noticed that I had even bought a different shampoo. It smelled so achingly familiar but I couldn't place it. I don't understand damnit! Why did I want this shampoo? The fruity aroma smells nice and it seems to calm senses down at but why do I go out my way to do things for this one person and not just anybody?
I don't know the answer!
When will I understand like what Tsunade-sama said? I asked that everyone I came in contact today and the most received answer was 'when are you going to stop being oblivious?' I'm not oblivious am I? I am not dense like Naruto, but I don't think I'm all that bright either from what everyone else says…
Christmas.
It's Christmas time again and I got some cookies from my genin team! They weren't amazing just simple cinnamon…
Cinnamon..
Crap. I'm allergic to cinnamon!
Where's the ER? Ok crap not the hospital too! The universe must hate me because not only can I not talk, but I can't spend Christmas in my home, albeit alone but home is better then here! Now I have to spend it in the white walled jail cell called 'hospital.'
It reeks of medicine and bacterial disinfectant. The halls are somewhat empty due to the fact not to many people are out on missions and are alive, for now, somewhere in Konoha. I received multiple visits from multiple people, including my team which fallowed with a trail of 'I'm sorry-s' and 'we didn't knows.' Of course even if I wanted to, which I didn't, I couldn't blame their stupidity because I never actually told them my allergies.
Which ended me here with an IV drip pierced into my forearm.
What a lovely Christmas eve.
Then bright eyes came in.
Those bright eyes full of life. That lit up the room. Fallowing those eyes was a smiling mouth and short silky hair.
Those eyes brought him to life. Even if he was strapped down to an uncomfortable bed with a burning cinnamon filled mouth.
A soft but confident voice rang in my ears and I felt like flying to know that the voice was concerned about me.
The smile pierced it's way through my barriers and awaked something. It made me feel happy to know that that smile was directed at me and no one else.
So what was it about this moment that made the sickness disappear? I may never truly know.
May. May 26th. It was happy face, bright smile, and brown eyes' birthday. How did I remember that? Oh because brown eyes told me of course! I got something that I guess would be nice. It was a stuffed dolphin and since his name means dolphin…
"Oh thank I love it! It's so cute!" to hear that voice squeal in glee and happiness, makes my heart swell and burst into a big gushy mess. Why did this sickness reside and take a step back when I was with happy brown eyes? Did he make any difference? Was someone controlling it so the pain goes away when I'm near him?
Or could I finally be losing? Let's hope it was the latter.
February. The 14th. Valentines day. There are hearts everywhere and I want to be with that happy smile today, I want to see those brown eyes light up with happiness, and see that face bright red from blush. I want to see it all.
And I did. It was a nice day it was. An evening with a happy smile and a soothing honey-like voice. I felt relaxed, happier then usual these days what with my sickness. Seriously what's with it?
It's making my stomach know in various places, it made me a bit dizzy and empty-minded. But it didn't hurt as much as it did when he was alone. He would not endure that agonizing torture today. No, he would be happy!
Another day, sometime later. Boring, on a mission. Incredibly painful… Three months later. I'm still gone. I'm missing something, but what?
A terrible storm. It's Wednesday. It was bad and the thunder was loud and vibrated the walls. A knock, happy face was at my door, but his face wasn't happy. It was pale and blanched, soaked to the core. I made tea and brought him in, he stayed the stormy night. I was happy however… I never wanted to see his face like that again. It was to horrible to even think about.
The sickness didn't bother me as much now. It left for awhile. I didn't mind it's absence. Actually I was wondering if was finally gone. It disappeared ever since that day. That day last week me and happy face went out somewhere nice. I don't know why or when I agreed to do such a thing. But all I remember is being disturbingly happy. Maybe I was high that day? It really did feel like it but I don't at all remember drinking anything… or swallowing some foreign pill… I still remember that day so I couldn't have been officially high. Maybe I was mildly stoned is all. But I remember for sure that the pain and sickness was gone.
A few weeks later. A regular Tuesday. Plain. Nothing at all, boring blah. Not worth my time. The sickness had returned tenfold after I heard that my happy smile would be taken away for a mission for a few days. Sometimes I forget were still ninja.
So to ease the pain I take on a mission too. A short, C ranked one. One that would only take possibly the same amount of time as my happy little brown eyes. But the pain stays. But it goes away when-
Brighter then the sun blinding me, smile. Richer then chocolate brown eyes. Smoother then silk hair, and sweeter then honey voice. It all came back. And I've never felt more happy in my life!
Then, it was a simple day off. And I felt something like never before when something special happened. Sparks on my tongue and inside I was feeling like I was going to burst. And I unintentionally pulled back to see that happy smiling face. The face that I see everyday. The face that brightens mine up.
That face that I…
Now I really feel like an idiot.
I get it now, I really do! And I understand now why this happy face lights up the world and everyone else in it. It lights up my world. I understand why I felt like dying if I didn't get whatever I had wanted at the time. I get how a simple smile could make my day, how eyes could bring mine to life. How a voice could make me want nothing more then just hear it. I get it now, and I'm absolutely insane. I'm crazy, I've lost it, I've finally kicked the bucket.
I've lost it.
I'm no longer sane.
Yes, I get it.
Yes, I'm crazy.
Yes, I think I'm mad. No I know I'm mad
Madly in love with Umino Iruka that is.
I don't really know… For those of you who thought at the very begging I was going to make Kakashi die, your all crazy! I would never kill off Iruka or Kakashi because I love them, and them together too much to do such a thing! However, I would do that but if it meant bringing one back to life. I am a die heart KakaIru fan, the relationship must live!