Grief by Eridan

Disclaimer: Paramount owns everything except the situations which are, of course, non-canon. No harm towards the characters intended.

This story contains the mentioning of a f/f-relationship. If you are offended by such things...don't read it.

If you want to read it....well, it's a little bit sad and not everyone's cup of tea.

Thanks to Onyx for beta-reading and helping "rounding out the edges", to quote her.

Grief by Eridan

When the holo-image hit the low table in front of her, Admiral Kathryn Janeway jumped and looked at it – only to regret her decision.

The image showed the head of a beautiful blonde woman with the most golden hair. A faint smile was playing around the young woman's full lips, a silver implant partially encircling her left eye and on the right side of her face, a small star-shaped implant of Borg origin.

Janeway closed her eyes as the memories began to overflow her. No, she cried within herself, not again! She had no possibility to stop the sudden tears that ran down her cheeks as she began to remember things that had been closedup within her soul for so many years now. Kathryn collected the little bit of strength that still lay within her, and managed to prevent herself from sobbing helplessly.

Slowly she looked up into the face of her 16 year old daughter, Anne Janeway, with long golden hair, a rather compact form, and the eyes, the same blue eyes as...... Kathryn could not stand to pursue that thought.

In the face of her daughter there was such an intensive expression of anger and disappointment, it made Kathryn's heart ache even more.

But, after all, I should not be surprised Kathryn thought, I have lied to her about her " father".

Anne seemed to pay no attention to her mother's crying.

"Why did you hide these pictures, mom?" She asked as she showed her 5 more holo-pictures, everyone picturing the woman Kathryn had once loved, the woman she still loved deep within her heart, the woman gone so long ago, the woman who had given a part of herself to Janeway to create their daughter. Anne's second mother, Seven of Nine.

Kathryn's heart felt as if it were being torn apart and now she could not help but sobhelplessly like a child.

Anne continued, " I have spoken to your sister after finding thepictures. She told me who this woman was. She is my lost "father" isn't she?"

Janeway slowly nodded, the weight of the lies almost crushing her.

The first time Anne had asked about her father, Kathryn had told her that he had been an officer aboard her former ship, Voyager and had died in a terrible battle, just before Voyager had finally found it's way home.

Kathryn had hid the pictures of Seven well, but obviously not well enough.

Anne had found them, regardless of all the precautions Kathryn had made.

She is as bright as her mother when it comes to solving problems and satisfying her curiosity, Kathryn thought. She rocked her body back and forth unconsciencely as she cried, the grief hiddenfor so long behind the command mask, demanding release.

And now looking at her mother, Anne realized that she had torn open an old, deep wound that had never healed. The anger vanished and was replaced by a sudden rush of compassion as she sat down next to her mother, offering her a shoulder to cry on. And Janeway accepted that offer, crying like a child, crying for a long, long time, unable to stop.

"Oh mom what's wrong?" She asked as she hugged her, " Please? It hurts so much to see you this way. Talk to me mom, please? Whatever you've hidden it's been too long to do you any good."

Exactly as her mother, Kathryn thought. And she then told her daughter everything she knew about Seven of Nine, how she had been severed from the Collective, how she had taught the young woman to bean individual and a human. And then she told her of how she had fallen in love with Seven. How they both had struggled, at first, to make a relationship possible because of her captaincy and the ship's many demands. She told her of how they had succeeded. Of how she and Seven had married. And how they had agreed to have children. About her pregnancy and how Seven had taken care of her during that time. Her birth which had been the most wonderful moment in both their lives. But after she finished describing the expression of utter joy that had been on her spouse's face, she cried again, harder this time.

Anne continued to hug her, holding her closely. " What happened next?", she asked in a soothing voice.

Kathryn took a deep breath and said, " She died. . . I. . . killed her.".

She slowly began to tell Anne about the circumstances that had led to Seven's death, often pausing and taking a deep breath to prevent herself from crying again. Anne listened to her, knowing this was exactly what her mother needed right now. No comments, just someone to listen, to offer her a shoulder to cry on, to set free the feelings Kathryn had been hiding for so long behind the mask of command which had now fallen completely apart.

After a very long pause, Kathryn began to slow down and Anne knew that the most difficult part was yet to come.

"...So I used the compression rifle to open the door which had been..... locked.

When I stepped into the shuttle bay, I saw her. She was standing ....in front of a console...her hand placed on top of it......the assimilation tubules sliding out of her left hand and into the console......obviously changing it's programming....

When I stepped near her, she turned her head and nodded towards me...In her eyes, I saw an expression of fear.....of sorrow and grief.....but also of grim determination.

I...took a breath and said.....: " Annika, please stop."

Her eyes met...mine and a tear ran down her cheek. It...was the ....first time....I had seen her crying out of despair and sorrow, not of...joy.

Then she slowly shook her head and said in a...low voice that was...almost a whisper....: " No, Kathryn. I have no choice. It is the only way."

I felt the tears running down my own cheeks and I suddenly knew that it was over. But...I could...not let it....happen.

" You are endangering......yourself, the crew....me...." I had problems speaking clearly, because of the pain I felt in my chest.

She nodded and..responded, her voice trembling for the first time since I met her, "I must take that risk......to save as many as possible....to save you."

" But....why? Surely we will...find another.....way out of this."

" We've..... already tried everything, Kathryn......This risk I must take."

She stepped to another console and shoved me out of her way.....like a drone...would do."

Janeway stopped and cried again as the memories overwhelmed her.

She cried hard, leaning against her daughter's shoulder.

When she had no tears left, she continued, even more slowly, " I took the rifle and aimed at....her, I said, " Stop...or I will stun you."

She turned around and faced me, then, slowly....she turned around again, stepping towards the console. So....I....shot.....I....had....forgotten....that the rifle was set on destruction....not....

She was completely evaporated...."

Then, suddenly, Kathryn altered her speed and Anne could easily tell that her mother was in a rush to end the narration. When she finally finished, Anne just held her closely, feeling Kathry's body finally relax little by little. The older Janeway had totally exhausted herself from crying so hard, from so often, and she soon fell asleep on the couch, murmuring Seven's human designation over and over.

Slowly and careful not to wake her mother, Anne got up and went into her room. There was nothing more she could do at this very moment. But she wanted to desparately help her mother to recover and finally heal the deep wound inside her heart and soul.

Now she knew what made it so difficult for Kathryn to accept her wife's death. She thought she had killed Seven, though it was just a mistake.

A sudden rush of pity went through Anne for not knowing her other parent. She would have a long talk with her mother tomorrow and with Phoebe, her aunt.

There was one thing she knew for sure, her mother would not be allowed to cover the wound again under the command mask as she had been doing for so many years now. If it was covered again, it would never heal and destroy Kathryn's soul even further. Today, Anne had noticed for the first time, what a wreck her mother had become over the years. That had to change as soon as possible.

Seven of Nine carefully stepped towards her sleeping wife. She still found it very difficult to maintain a physical form while in this world. But her love for Kathryn gave her the strength she needed to prevent herself from fading into her world.

Before today, before Kathryn had given in to her emotions, Seven had not been able to cross the barrier between her world and Kathryn's. But today, Janeway's confession and acceptance of her feelings had shattered the barrier for a short time and Seven had sensed the opportunity and slipped through.

The former Borg knew that she was not allowed to enter this world, but she had to help her wife, to tell her that she would be waiting for her. And Seven knew that there was only a short time left before she had to cross the barrier again.

For a short time, Seven just stood there before the couch, looking down on her spouse, who was totally exhausted and so incredibly weak, her soul damaged from hiding the feelings for so long.

Then Seven kneeled down and put her hand to Kathryn's temple to soothe her and to give her the message.

" Kathryn, please listen to me. I know what you have done and I forgive you. You made a mistake. No one is perfect, I have realized that by now. Though I still think ( and now know) that my method was right, I know that you had to do what you did, as the Captain. I still love you, Kathryn. And I know that you love me, too. Do not deny yourself the feelings you feel, Kathryn. Do not deny yourself humanity – it will destroy you. And I don't want that to happen. I need you as you were when we fell in love. Whatever happened was not completely your fault, it was also mine. We had no choice.

Our daughter is a wonderful person and I am glad that she finally made you confess what you were feeling. You raised her in both our spirit, Kathryn, and I am eternally grateful for that.

I do not have much time left, but there is one thing I would like you to know.

Death is not the end, even though i do not know how that is possible. I do not know where I am now, but i know that you – as everyone else - will come here, when you cease to function. And i will be waiting for you.

Just remember me from time to time....remember our lucky moments. And please do not hide the pictures again as if you were ashamed of them.

We will be together again, I promise.

After that, she remained there, kneeling and touching her wife while she slowly dissipated, loosing contact to the physical world.

But before she finally entered her world, she whispered...

"......forever."

2ooo by Eridan, the last guardian