The Hogwarts Gossip Epic Poem
In the Griffendor common room high on a wall,
Is a portrait of Merlin in a bathroom stall.
Few people have seen him he's up much too high,
He's been there for a very, very long time.
And he knows all their secrets,
He knows every crime.
But you see he's in danger for the nail, upon which he's hung,
Has begun very slowly to slip, come undone.
And he will shatter to pieces if nothing is done.
But he was very lucky you see,
For he was caught by no other than Ronald Weasly.
The picture was grateful,
So it said like it knew: "I know many secrets,
So I'll share some with you."
"I know all the things they don't want you to know,
Oh the things I have seen, oh the lengths they will go"
"But promise me now that you won't tell a soul,
Promise me now kid, no one must know."
"Sure, I promise," said Ron,
"Then Mrs. Noris is an Animagus hooker from Taiwan.
Snape bought his black dress from Victoria's Secret,
Percy's hat is for rent, but he thinks he can keep it.
The Hufflepuff password is Seven-Eleven,
Loona Lovegood is dating a first year named Kevin.
Manerva Magonigal likes to play in the snow,
Hagrid's shoe size is seven, and no one must know."
…
Ron tried to keep this secret, but it became very hard,
And in his quest to convince Hermione that he's not a retard,
He let some things slip; she caught him off guard.
He let Harry in on it too. It's not like it's important. What else could he do?
He told them with relish of all of these things,
As Headwig flew through a nearby window with a bag full of buffalo wings.
They ate them in the library out of earshot of others,
From the tone of Ron's voice you could tell they had something to cover.
With a method that held little slyness or tact,
He began, "Mrs. Noris is a Animagus hooker from Iraq!
Snape bought his black dress from Victoria's Secret,
Percy's hat is for rent but he thinks he can keep it.
The Hufflepuff password is Seven-Eleven,
Loona Lovegood is dating a first year named Kevin.
Professor Magonigal likes to play in the snow,
Hagrid's shoe size is seven, and no one must know."
…
As they all got up to leave,
The three were sworn to a secrecy, that was more than naïve.
But just as the trio was ready to go,
They where joined by a Griffindor boy that they know.
Making it hard to keep their promise,
He could be very persuasive. His name was Dean Tomas.
"Hey guys, whatcha you doing."
He said, spitting out the Droobles gum he was chewing.
"I came by to hang out,
Could you tell me what you guys were talking about?
Hey, what's that empty picture frame thing?
Could somebody pass me a buffalo wing?"
Hermione said, "You know Dean, I really don't know,
Oh look at the time. Now I really should go."
Hermione and Harry and Ron did too,
Because if Dean Tomas had known what they knew.
The picture would be angry, stop telling then secrets,
They would not have a clue.
But Dean did not quit he tailed Harry all day.
He was smarter than he looked. He knew just what to say.
"You know, I expected this sort of thing from Hermione or Ron, but never from you,
And I know the password to the girl's dormitory. I was going to tell you."
Harry wasn't quite sure this was true,
But he was itching to tell someone all the stuff that he knew.
"If you promise to never tell anyone else,
Mrs. Noris is an Animagus hooker from a city that's Welsh.
Snape bought his black dress from Victoria's Secret,
Percy's hat is for rent, but he thinks he can keep it.
The Hufflepuff password is Seven-Eleven,
Loona Lovegood is dating a first year named Kevin.
Professor Magonigal likes to play in the snow,
Hagrid's shoe size is seven, and no one must know."
"Thanks Harry," said Dean and the first thing that he did once again,
was run and tell his friend Seamus Finnigan.
"Hey, Shamus," he said. "Hey, Dean, get a grip."
"Well, I bet you didn't know that Mrs. Norris is an Animagus hooker from Jabip!
Snape bought his black dress from Victoria's Secret,
Percy's hat is for rent but he thinks he can keep it.
The Hufflepuff password's 'I hate Seventh Heaven',
Loona Lovegood is dating a first year named Kevin.
Professor Magonigal likes to play in the snow,
Hagrid's shoe size is seven, and no one must know."
For a few seconds they stood in the seemingly empty D.A. room,
They knew there someone loomed.
And Neville crept out from behind a bookcase of wood,
They knew at once he knew more than he should,
And since he's been there all morning he probably would.
"Neville," said Shamus "you'd best forget what you heard,
And for the good of us all you best not breath a word.
I don't care if you have to lay low,
Move to the U.S. , change your name to Bob Joe.
For the picture of Merlin, the one on the can,
Not to mention that I've been told more than I can stand,
That no one must know,
No one must know!
I don't think I could bare it, I could not stand the guilt,
It would rock the foundation on which this school is built!
No one must know."
"Hi Shamus," said Ginny. "Hermione told me everything moments ago.
"But I swear to you now I will not tell a soul,
To be bothered by you guys is just not my goal."
…
Meanwhile, Hermione wrote a letter to her pen pal, Victor Crumb,
She wrote very slowly cause her fingers where numb.
"Dear Victor," she wrote "If you ask why I rhyme,
Well it's sort of the fashion right now, at the time.
Harry, Ron and I, in the library we sat down,
And they told me some rumors that were floating around.
Please keep this quiet cause I'm really not supposed to tell you,
And everyone's heard it believes it be true."
She crossed the last line out. "Is true." "This bloody rhyming is conflicting with my grammar!" she screamed.
"I'm not sure this is so but,
They say Mrs. Noris is an Animagus hooker from Mexico!
Snape bought his black dress from Victoria's Secret,
Percy's hat is for rent but he thinks he can keep it.
The Hufflepuff password is Seventy-Seven,
Loona Lovegood is dating a first year named Kevin.
Professor Magonigal likes to play in the snow,
Hagrid's shoe size is seven, and no one must know!"
…
Snape sat in his office in his ominous way,
There was not much else to do. It had been a long day.
The potions they brewed and the fumes they where noxious,
This room was too cheerful, the kids were obnoxious.
The head master had insisted on installing a window in the potions classroom,
Which would ruin the feeling of damnation and doom.
No, Snape was content with his single light bulb,
And the conflict of light was just tiring and old.
One kid brought a flashlight, which was simply a shock,
"And some lunatic's stolen a hematite rock!"
So Snape stared at the wall,
'Till his eyes wandered down to an envelope, small.
So he opened it boredly, which was not really wise,
This Snape, he is just not a popular guy.
And nothing horrible happened,
To his shock and surprise.
Instead some bogus letter from some guy named Steve Brett,
And a twenty-pound gift card to Victoria's Secret.
…
Meanwhile, Krumb opened his letter from Hermione,
Oh the tendency she had to be obsessive and whiney.
He read her letter to a room full of his Bulgarian friends,
And said , "Just look at these British! This stuff never ends!
Their pet cats are slutty,
they say stuff like 'balderdash', 'Trousers', and 'Bloody'!
Their potions teacher, he dresses like a lady,
They have roughly four teachers in a school of two hundred and eighty!"
…
No sooner had Neville left from Care of Magical Creatures
(Today's lesson involved something half dragon, half squirrel),
He was stalked by a copper-eyed Slitherin girl.
I don't think you know her. Her name's Ivy Carlott,
And for all of her questions no answers she got.
She simply could not stand that he knew something she did not.
"You will tell me these things for I simply must know,
Oh the things I will do. Oh the lengths I will go."
Said Neville, "Then will you be my girlfriend?"
Said Ivy, "Absolutely not!"
"Oops that didn't rhyme, did it," said Carlott.
He tried to ignore her, but it was difficult you see,
For all of her flaws still persistent was she.
Now she stood on the grass, freshly mowed,
And in one of her hands she clutched Trevor the toad.
She ran to the Quidditch pitch, toad still in hand,
And then Neville pursued her as fast as he could stand.
It was Quidditch season. The stands they were full,
The season was Fall. They wore sweaters of wool.
Ivy climbed up the stands, her expression was scary,
She climbed to the top where Lee did his commentary.
"You will tell me these things for I simply must know,
Oh the things I will do. Oh the lengths I will go."
She held the toad over the edge of the stand and she almost let go,
"Or his organs will splat on the concrete below!"
"Alright! Mrs. Norris is an Animagus hooker from Puerto Rico!
Snape bought his black dress from Victoria's Secret,
Percy's hat is for rent but he thinks he can keep it.
The Hufflepuff password is Seven-Eleven,
Loona Lovegood is dating a first year named Kevin.
Professor Magonigal likes to play in the snow,
Hagrids shoe size is seven and no one must know!"
He stood there for a moment as if stupefied,
Only vaguely aware that his voice had been magically magnified.
…
Over the next semester teaches had much to do,
To convince folks that this rubbish is simply not true.
Though they protested they were powerless to stop it,
Said Snape, "It's a kilt not a dress. It was bought at Hot Topic."
Said Magonigal, "To you ignorant fools my full pity is felt,
I don't play in the snow. Don't you know I would melt!"
Said Lovegood, "And for your information I think you should know,
I broke up with Kevin just ages ago.
If you'd like to meet him, he's one cute puppet sock,
My new boy friend is Marten, He's a hematite rock."
Percy arrived shortly at Hogwarts with a poorly thought rhyme,
"Hey, I paid for this hat! It is legally mine!"
Lurking in the background; still unnoticed in the ruckus,
Was Flich's cat, Mrs. Noris. "This poem is annoying and your rhyming it suckus,"
She said. "It is barely a story! It is barely a song,
And I hope this dumb fad will not last very long."
End.