By Spectra16
Disclaimer: I don't own Red vs. Blue. Cock mouth- I mean Rooster Teeth owns . . . It. I'll shut up now.
A/N: I wanted to do a story having the cast of Red vs. Blue, so here it is. Enjoy . . . I hope.
This story will be small segments (just like the actual series) and it will take place in Blood Gulch, but the only thing different is that somehow a zoo popped up there. Just think of it as everyone gave up looking for O'Malley and came back to Blood Gulch.
-.-.-.-.-
Chapter One: There Is Definitely Not A Zoo Here
"Hey, Tucker?" Church spoke up after the few hours of silence at the Blue Base. Caboose was off "scouting" the area, only because Church and Tucker needed some quiet time. Tex was killing . . . Things.
"Yeah?" Tucker looked at Church.
"You ever wonder why we're here?" Church asked. Tucker thought about it.
"Actually, I do sometimes. I wonder why we were stationed in such a desolate location, and why the hell did we join forces with the Red Team! I mean, they're complete dumbasses, besides that . . . Donut guy . . . They keep inviting themselves over. It bugs me," Tucker vented. Church stayed silent for a few moments.
"What?" Church asked. "I mean why are we here? Why do we exist! Who created us! It's one of those deep questions," Church paused. "But, it should have been obvious to me that you don't think deeply. You don't think at all!"
"Hey, fuck you, man! I'm gonna go masturbate!" Tucker said and left to go in the lower area of the base. Church looked around, aggravated.
"I bet the Red Base doesn't have assholes like Tucker. I'm getting so sick of that guy!" Church yelled to himself. Caboose came up from behind him.
"Boo," Caboose said in a mono tone voice.
"AHHH!" Church screamed like a little girl, but then cleared his throat. "Don't freakin' come up behind me like that!" Church yelled again.
"Don't you ever get tired of yelling?" Caboose asked meekly.
"No. Not really," Church answered casually.
"Oo! Oo! Guess what I found, Church?" Caboose became excited. Church sighed.
"What?"
"A zoo," Caboose said and smirked.
There was a small moment of silence.
"A zoo?" Church asked, realizing this was one of Caboose's dumber moments. There was no zoo . . . There wasn't even a store! So Church assumed Caboose was schizophrenic, and just saw an image of a zoo.
"Yes," Caboose answered dumbly.
"Show me," Church said.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-
"AAAH!" Sarge yelled. Griff screamed.
"AAAARGH!" Sarge grunted.
"A I I I I I!" Griff kept screaming.
"AAAAAH!" Sarge yelled again, feeling more weird about the situation. Griff screamed again.
"JUST CLOSE THE GODDAMN DOOR, GRIFF! DO I HAVE TO FIND OUT EVERY THING FOR YOU!" Sarge yelled, sitting on the toilet. Griff stopped screaming.
"Oh," Griff said and then slammed the door.
"Well . . . That was awkward," Sarge said to himself.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-
"Tag, you're it!" Donut randomly called out. Simmons gave him a death look.
"Seriously, don't EVER touch me again," Simmons threatened and pointed his pistol at Donut.
"Okay, okay. Just put that thing away before I piss myself!" Donut cried. He ran off into the gulch. Simmons sighed in relief.
"I hate Donut so much. It makes me wanna spit in his food or . . . Kill him," Simmons said in a definite tone. Lopez sat there, with his new shiny body that Sarge made him, pretending to listen to Simmons. "You know what, Lopez? I feel like you and Sarge are the only people . . . or robots I can talk to. All this time, I feel like . . . We're family. And for that, I wanna thank you, man," Simmons looked at Lopez. Lopez sat there in a few minutes of confusion.
Lopez rambled on for a few minutes in Spanish. Simmons stood there until Lopez was done.
"Yeah. I love you too, Lopez," Simmons said.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-
Church and Caboose stood in front of a small zoo in the middle of Blood Gulch. The both of them were very silent.
"How long has this been here?" Church asked.
"A week . . . . Maybe two weeks," Caboose said, as if he really knew (which he didn't).
"Right. We should tell everyone else about this," Church said and started running off.
"NO!" Caboose yelled Church stopped and turned towards him.
"Why not?" Church asked, agitated with Caboose already.
"Because . . . Wouldn't it be cool to have a zoo all to ourselves? It would just be me and you. Wouldn't that be better than pants time? We could call it . . . Penguin time," Caboose sounded happier about this than he was about pushing "the button". Church grimaced.
"No. I don't think it would be cool. Plus, IT'S RIGHT SMACK IN THE MIDDLE OF BLOOD GULCH! You'd have to be blind in order to not see it! And eventually, it's gonna start to smell! We gotta get this thing out of here right now!" Church yelled. Caboose nearly cried.
"How about we wait until they notice it, and then we tell them," Caboose sounded stupider by the second.
"Fine. You do that. I'm gonna . . . Go call some hospitals," Church said sarcastically and ran off. Caboose stood there at the front gates of the zoo. Once Church was out of sight, Caboose turned toward the zoo.
"You are safe. For now. My precious . . . Penguins," Caboose smiled widely.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-
"Hey everyone, I'd just like you all to know that there isn't a zoo out in the middle of the canyon," Church said obviously. No one turned to look at him. Church found it weird, but left it alone. Donut walked up to Church.
"Hi!" Donut exclaimed. Church stood there for a few seconds, in complete silence.
"Why do you have to have a head?" Church asked menacingly. Donut backed away slowly.